Monday, April 30, 2012

Two week wait begins...

I'm not a patient person. Ask anyone who knows me. I plan everything. When we go on vacation, I can typically tell you what restaurant we'll be eating at on any given day of our trip. I do research. I read reviews. It's probably part of my slight OCD of being completely organized all of the time.

Trying to conceive is really throwing me for a loop. I can't make it happen, like I tend to do everything else in my life. On one hand, it's probably a good reality check for me. On the other hand, it's driving me CRAZY! My least favorite part of this, is the dreaded 2ww. The anxiety that comes with the next few weeks has definitely tested me month after month.

So here's to lots of distractions over the next 10-14 days.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Tears, laughter, and 180 miles.

This cycle has given us memories for sure. Two Saturday's ago we found out the previous cycle didn't work. I took that one the hardest thus far. I cried on and off all day. Memories of the miscarriage and where I "should" have been in my pregnancy completely overwhelmed me. I had such a strong feeling about that cycle and couldn't believe that we have to start all over. Again.

That week, Trevor had a doctor's appointment with an RE to have his numbers checked. I went with him, wanting to be supportive, but honestly, I was curious too. Counts were great. (whew!) I'm going to leave out the fun details, but after the doctor read us the results he proceeded to an exam. Not that weird, right? Prostate exam. Enough said. AND I WITNESSED IT! I have to say it will go down as one heck of a memory for us both! If the doctor was hoping to take some pressure and stress off of us, I have to say, it kinda worked!

This week, my ovacue monitor suggested my peak days would be Tuesday - Saturday, Friday being our most fertile day. Of course my husband was supposed to be 3 hours away on business Monday - Thursday! There was no way I was going to let this month be a bust because of a little thing like mileage. No way. I told my boss I had to be in Chicago on Wednesday night and I'd be working from there on Thursday. Thank goodness he didn't ask any questions!! So I drove to Chicago, had a fabulous dinner out with my husband and came home together on Thursday. It was great!! Maybe we should do this every month! Whether this month happens or not, I at least feel that we got all the days we needed too through this weekend. We'll see, I'm guessing I'll have ovulation confirmation by this evening and will start my 2ww.

Trevor's always had the mentality of "it all works out". He's always been better at believing that than I have. Maybe I've had more loss than he has, that it's more difficult for me to trust in those words. Though as I sit and think about how does it work out, I look at my friends and loved ones that have gone through their own challenges, I realize, that ultimately, things do work out. It may not always work out the way we originally planned. When I look at people I love that have hurt and longed for a family and endured more let downs than anyone should have to go through, and I see pure happiness in their face because in the end, it did work out, exactly as it was meant to. My husband said those words again last night and while I know that nothing will take away the "want" and the "need" each month as we continue forward in this TTC journey, I know that we will look back on this one day and know that it did work out. For now, at least today, I'm going to take comfort in that.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

First blog. Ever.

I can't believe it's taken me this long to write a blog. I love to write. I'm not sure I'm good at it, but I enjoy it. I enjoy getting my thoughts out, but not necessarily by saying them out loud. I read blogs often. I have for years. I read blogs about food. Why? I love food. I read blogs about children that I've heard about that are sick. That go through unimaginable procedures, treatments and endure in a way that only children can. I listen to the parents as they discuss the emotional roller coaster that they are on while caring for a child that is ill, yet remaining that positive rock their child can rely on. I pray for these parents because I can't imagine. I read blogs about people that have been injured in awful accidents and the will and courage that it takes to bounce back and regain their strength and reclaim their life. It's sad, but it's inspiring to me.

More recently, due to the forums I constantly visit with questions, concerns and just the need of understanding and support from women going through what I am, I read blogs about trying to conceive. I cheer for these women whom I've never met, yet I feel a bond with. Recently, it hit me, that I finally have that reason to write. To create an outlet for my emotions. To express the highs and lows of this journey that we're on. My husband is amazing. I couldn't ask for anyone so understanding and supportive. Of course I know this. It's why we've spent almost 11 years loving each other. It's why I married him. It's why I'm truly a very blessed gal.

Another reason for this blog. My mom. What girl can move through the process of trying to have a baby, the struggles and the pressure that come with that without their mom. The heartache of losing a baby that you only had a short time to even know existed before you hear that this baby, the one you thought would arrive the day before your birthday in July, 2012...isn't meant to be. I've relied on my mother for everything. Every decision. Every laugh. Every tear. She was there. In 2008, when I was 31 years old, I lost my 52 year old mother, to ovarian cancer. She was the bravest and hardest fighting women I've ever known. She wanted more than anything to know my children. I scream sometimes. I get so angry that I was robbed of her love and wisdom far earlier than either of us ever dreamed. I need her right now and not in a "she's always with you" kind of way that everyone always says. I need her, simple as that.

So I'm blogging now. Officially.