This post may be a lot of rambling. Maybe it won't be. But there is a lot on my mind lately. So I'm going to try and articulate it into words somehow.
I've felt a little lost lately. I have days where I'm positive, but I also have these deep fears that continue to smack me in the face and to be honest, have really affected me and my mindset.
I'll back up a bit.
The decision for donor eggs came swiftly for me. Our one and only IVF was a complete disaster. For those of you that remember that time, know, that's probably an understatement. Rather than continue with my own eggs at the risk of still walking away with nothing, we quickly (and I mean quickly, because it was the same month as my retrieval) moved on. In that SAME month, we miraculously became pregnant only to find out it was ectopic AFTER we had a D&C that has now left my uterus in question to ever carry a child.
Does that sum up my 2013 in a nutshell?
My decision to do donor eggs has not wavered. I still know in my heart it was the right decision for us. From the second those follicles were retrieved from Goose, they were mine. When I heard that I had six perfect blasts, those have been my 6 babies and every day I think of them.
Still, all of the waiting of these past few months since Goose's retrieval has given me time to reflect, to think, to wonder. I now look at every mother and child and try to see the similarities between them. I look at my husband and wonder what features my children will have of his. I look at my own reflection and grieve that they will never have any part of me when I look into their sweet faces.
That was all okay with me when we made this decision because they would be a part of me as I would give them life. I would carry them for 9 months. But what if I don't get that chance now? What if I am completely removed from the equation? This haunts me.
I know that no matter what the next few months bring, I will do anything to bring life to those precious embryos that are waiting for me in Colorado. There is no other option for me. If a gestational carrier is what we have to do, I will do it. But, the grief when that decision is made, will be difficult.
I know. We're not there yet. But I know that everything, and I mean everything hangs by what happens in this next month or two. But it doesn't even stop there.
I was told in December, and this is something that has taken me a bit of time to even have the strength write because it scares me, is that I am at an increased risk now if I'm able to get pregnant, of placenta accreta or percreta. That transferring two embryos may not even be an option and that I could at the end of a pregnancy, end up with an emergency hysterectomy.
I've also bled now for almost 2 full weeks. All the "complications" of a hysteroscopy include excessive bleeding. Of course, some of these complications can lead to a hysterectomy. So add this to my current worries.
Google is my friend. Google is also my enemy.
So yes. I'm scared. I'm trying to just relax and remember that CCRM has a plan. They are doing everything they can to make this work. Some days, the fear still takes over.
I can't help but wonder if I'm always going to have that sick feeling in my stomach when I expect that I'm about to hear news that someone close to me is pregnant. There are several right now, that every day, I wonder about. I'm expecting a call anytime and I hate that I know it will devastate me. I hate that I still can't handle baby showers. That's it takes everything in me not to hide every baby photo or comment on Facebook. I hate that this is who I've become and I fear that I may never be who I was before.
I'm angry that we've spent almost $65k in the past year alone, but I have never had a transfer. Each time I say that out loud…or write it for that matter, it makes my blood boil. All that money, but thus far, not a single actual chance. My only chances were my 3 angel babies that were all on our own.
I also had cycle day 3 blood work done at my OB's office back on January 3rd. I don't know why I requested it. Maybe it was just to put a nail in the coffin of my own eggs once and for all.
E2 - 120 (elevated, but not awful)
FSH - 7.5 (a year ago it was 18.5)
AMH - .28 (a year ago it was <.16)
There is no doubt I have DOR. I don't know what I wanted these tests to tell me. Maybe that I didn't go from <.16 to a big goose egg in a year? (no pun intended)
So this is where I am today. A giant mix of fear and anticipation, of anxiety and sadness. I'll get through. What other choice do we have, right?
*I also want all of you ladies to know that between surgery and my busiest month of the year for my job (corporate controller/accountant), my blogging, commenting has been minimal and I'm so sorry. I will be catching up with you all over these next few weeks, I promise!! xoxo