Thursday, January 23, 2014

Where I Am Today

This post may be a lot of rambling. Maybe it won't be. But there is a lot on my mind lately. So I'm going to try and articulate it into words somehow.

I've felt a little lost lately. I have days where I'm positive, but I also have these deep fears that continue to smack me in the face and to be honest, have really affected me and my mindset.

I'll back up a bit.

The decision for donor eggs came swiftly for me. Our one and only IVF was a complete disaster. For those of you that remember that time, know, that's probably an understatement. Rather than continue with my own eggs at the risk of still walking away with nothing, we quickly (and I mean quickly, because it was the same month as my retrieval) moved on. In that SAME month, we miraculously became pregnant only to find out it was ectopic AFTER we had a D&C that has now left my uterus in question to ever carry a child.

Does that sum up my 2013 in a nutshell?

My decision to do donor eggs has not wavered. I still know in my heart it was the right decision for us. From the second those follicles were retrieved from Goose, they were mine. When I heard that I had six  perfect blasts, those have been my 6 babies and every day I think of them.

Still, all of the waiting of these past few months since Goose's retrieval has given me time to reflect, to think, to wonder. I now look at every mother and child and try to see the similarities between them. I look at my husband and wonder what features my children will have of his. I look at my own reflection and grieve that they will never have any part of me when I look into their sweet faces.

That was all okay with me when we made this decision because they would be a part of me as I would give them life. I would carry them for 9 months. But what if I don't get that chance now? What if I am completely removed from the equation? This haunts me.

I know that no matter what the next few months bring, I will do anything to bring life to those precious embryos that are waiting for me in Colorado. There is no other option for me. If a gestational carrier is what we have to do, I will do it. But, the grief when that decision is made, will be difficult.

I know. We're not there yet. But I know that everything, and I mean everything hangs by what happens in this next month or two. But it doesn't even stop there.

I was told in December, and this is something that has taken me a bit of time to even have the strength write because it scares me, is that I am at an increased risk now if I'm able to get pregnant, of placenta accreta or percreta. That transferring two embryos may not even be an option and that I could at the end of a pregnancy, end up with an emergency hysterectomy.

I've also bled now for almost 2 full weeks. All the "complications" of a hysteroscopy include excessive bleeding. Of course, some of these complications can lead to a hysterectomy. So add this to my current worries.

Google is my friend. Google is also my enemy.

So yes. I'm scared. I'm trying to just relax and remember that CCRM has a plan. They are doing everything they can to make this work. Some days, the fear still takes over.

I can't help but wonder if I'm always going to have that sick feeling in my stomach when I expect that I'm about to hear news that someone close to me is pregnant. There are several right now, that every day, I wonder about. I'm expecting a call anytime and I hate that I know it will devastate me. I hate that I still can't handle baby showers. That's it takes everything in me not to hide every baby photo or comment on Facebook. I hate that this is who I've become and I fear that I may never be who I was before.

I'm angry that we've spent almost $65k in the past year alone, but I have never had a transfer. Each time I say that out loud…or write it for that matter, it makes my blood boil. All that money, but thus far, not a single actual chance. My only chances were my 3 angel babies that were all on our own.

I also had cycle day 3 blood work done at my OB's office back on January 3rd. I don't know why I requested it. Maybe it was just to put a nail in the coffin of my own eggs once and for all.

E2 - 120 (elevated, but not awful)
FSH - 7.5 (a year ago it was 18.5)
AMH - .28 (a year ago it was <.16)

There is no doubt I have DOR. I don't know what I wanted these tests to tell me. Maybe that I didn't go from <.16 to a big goose egg in a year? (no pun intended)

So this is where I am today. A giant mix of fear and anticipation, of anxiety and sadness. I'll get through. What other choice do we have, right?

*I also want all of you ladies to know that between surgery and my busiest month of the year for my job (corporate controller/accountant), my blogging, commenting has been minimal and I'm so sorry. I will be catching up with you all over these next few weeks, I promise!! xoxo

23 comments:

  1. Suzanne, I am hurting for you. Have been thinking about you every day. I think one of the hardest things is having everything up in the air without a clear path. I am still very hopeful that this procedure will work and you will be able to carry these embryos. But I also know that if (and that's still a big if) you need to get help in bringing these babies into the world via gestational carrier you can do it. You are so strong. And there is no way these babies are not your babies. No matter what. I am also at high risk for placenta accreta and am very anxiously waiting to hear whether things are ok with each ultrasound. It is very scary but I haven't wanted to say anything because I feel so lucky to be in a place where I can worry about that when others are still struggling to get pregnant. Anyways, this is all flight of ideas but I wanted to let you know I care, I'm listening, and I am pulling for you with everything I have. You are such a positive beautiful person and you deserve so much better than this. Hugs.

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  2. I wish so, so badly that I had answers, that I had foresight, that I had a solution. There is literally no other person in the world that I want a successful pregnancy for more than you. I'm so desperate for good news for you, for direction, for a solid, complete path forward. You are so incredibly strong, and I know that whatever the next few months bring, that you and Trevor will be okay, but I really, REALLY want something good for you guys!

    Still hopeful that everything is going to work out and that a transfer is on the horizon! Love you, friend!

    P.S. It's good to hear from you in blogland!

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  3. In my experience, it takes time to grieve when you decide to use donor eggs. We had to wait for our donor to cycle with another couple, so we had 3 months or so to do that. And I needed it. I cried a lot. Felt bad for myself. Spent time alone. And then, as you said, I felt that those embryos were mine!!!

    When our first two cycles didn't work and I was covered in injected-related hives, we looked into surrogacy. And I felt loss again. I didnt want to be out of the egg equation AND the uterus equation. If I coulnd't have one, didnt I deserve the other?! In the end, like you, I knew I would do whatever I could to give my embryos a chance. Even if it meant a carrier.

    What I am trying to say is that I can relate to your experience and I think what you are feeling is totally normal. It takes time and energy to process DE. and it would take time and energy to process GC. and it feels super unfair to have to do both. But you seem like you are processing everything really well and doing the best job possible trying to avoid all the 'what ifs!'

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  4. Thank you for being such an open book about it. We have struggled with infertility for years and were blessed with a little one but nothing since. I am grateful for the kiddos I have but still feel like I am not complete. It is an awful feeling. Hugs!

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  5. It's so hard not knowing what is going to happen, especially since we all have a part of us that wants control and in situations like this, we have nothing. I pray you will be able to carry your children, but if you aren't, I just want you to know that in the end, it won't make any difference when you hold your child for the first time. My husband and I adopted our son and when I look at him, I don't think of how he was adopted or how he is not biologically mine. Because he is mine. He is my son and I'm his mama. It doesn't matter how our children are brought into this world, we are still their parents and they love us the same. I'll continue to pray for you and your family!

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  6. I'm so sorry that your heart is so heavy right now. I can't even come close to knowing how you feel or what you are going through. Please know that you are not alone in this journey and so many of us are pulling for you and your dream. I will continue to pray.

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  7. Oh Suzanne, it brings tears to my eyes to hear how much pain you are in. I wish I had a way to take it all away. You are truly in my prayers every night. A personalized prayer to make that clear. I wishing/hoping/praying that you are given the chance to carry your baby.

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  8. Hang in there girl... sending lots of hugs your way. Hopefully you'll figure out how to move forward soon!

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  9. I am soo sorry girl. This journey has not been easy at all for you :/ I'm praying for you right now (I'm not just saying it, but I REALLY AM) that you will have peace throughout this whole process. I know that God will take care of you and I just have this feeling that he or she will have sooo many similarities as you. I just have that feeling. God knows what we need. He knows our desires. He will do something miraculous. xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  10. Hang in there girl! I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much fear. Praying for peace to envelop you and for all of your dreams to come true!

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  11. Oh sweet Suzanne, you are always in my thoughts. I am always sending you positive thoughts, prayers, vibes, whatever you believe..... I have no long pep talk for you. This journey is hard and long and is definetly not fair but you know all that. There is nothing I can tell you that you don't already know. But I'm pulling for you, thinking of you, in awe of your fight. You deserve this to all work out. I am so sorry this road is paved with scary things. Big hugs my dear friend. Big hugs.

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  12. I honor, respect, love you for your strength and determination. You don't deserve this, yet you offer such kindness toward others. You are a beautiful person. I'm so thankful for those babies who are YOURS. I pray with all my heart that you will be able to carry them.

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  13. Oh Suzanne- I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better. I hate this so much for you. But I also have a lot of hope for you. Hope that your story will end without any of the fears that your mentioned in this post. XOXO

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  14. There is no doubt you have been dealt a raw deal. It is so unfair and I wish things weren't as they are for you. Maybe you got all the crappy stuff out of the way now and you can start getting some great news from here on out. I will definitely be praying that will be the case.

    I hope you are able to carry your babies. I know that would be so special for you. You are going to be such a great Mom no matter how you get there. I just hope it is soon... xo

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  15. I am so sorry that this is all so rough for you Suzanne. I mean, we all have our fertility crap, but you just keep getting dealt hand after hand of crappy cards and it sucks. My heart truly hurts that you haven't gotten your sticky bfp yet, but I KNOW it is coming. You are such a strong woman and with your determination, it WILL happen. Plus, your babies will feel so loved! You are going to be such an amazing mom and I know it will mean the world to them when they find out what all you went through to bring them here. Praying so hard for you!

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  16. you know, you addressed something that I didn't write in my last post… about the fear of hearing of a pregnancy. it happened last week, and the insane meltdown it resulted in actually scared me. it crushed me because of the relationship (or lack there of) that I have with this "friend"… a friend that at one point was truly a part of my family, whom, come to find out, was talking about me behind my back and criticizing the way I've handled myself throughout this process. I suppose that's why I wonder why she is more deserving than I am, because she's obviously a selfish, mean individual.

    each day brings something [good or bad], and we handle it the best way we can. from where I'm standing, you're doing a pretty darn good job. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love your way. xoxo

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  17. I had tears in my eyes reading this. It breaks my heart to pieces what some of you women have been through. It is SO unfair. Beyond unfair. There isn't a word for what this is (maybe "torture" is the word?), but I wish it wasn't happening. I can only imagine what you're dealing with physically and emotionally, and I'm amazed at how gracefully you seem to handle it all. I pray that things take a positive turn soon. You're in my prayers!

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  18. Oh Suzanne, I'm so sorry you are stuck in this dark and foggy place. Nothing is quite what you were expecting, nothing really makes sense. Why, one wonders. It is just unfair.

    Bleeding can be so scary. It always gets me - even though, ironically, when something was wrong with my pregnancy there was no blood.
    I hope your body recovers soon, and that there will be more light and peace in 2014 for you.

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  19. Oh Suzanne, I hate all that you are going through. It hurts my heart to read this. After all you have been through, it is understandable to have these feelings. I hope that you have stopped bleeding, and I too, hope that you don't always have that sick feeling in your stomach (that I know all to well) when there is a pregnancy announcement. I hope you experience your miracle soon! You deserve it! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Sending you a big hug!

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  20. The mix of fear, anticipation, anxiety, and sadness is totally understandable Suzanne. Allow yourself to just feel it all. Standing here from afar with arms wide open, just offering hugs and kisses and always a shoulder to cry on or vent to. Praying for better days ahead for you. xo

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  21. My dear, dear friend. I'm so sorry for all of the pain, fear and anxiety you're experiencing. I understand your anger about the money, about having nothing to show for it and having to grieve never conceiving your own biological child. There are no words that can make any of that better for you. I hope with all of my heart that you can still carry your babies.

    I have to believe in my heart that somehow, some way…we will become mothers and this time will be an awful, distant memory for both of us. Hang in there, love. Sending hugs across the miles.

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  22. I am so sorry for all that you're going through. Just makes me so mad that everything seems to go wrong sometimes and it's so unfair. I am really hoping and praying that your body will let you carry the embies. Thinking about you! *hugs*

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  23. I have that sick feeling in my stomach for you. Reading that $65,000 thing just takes my breath away and makes me so angry on your behalf. Feel my hug, friend.

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