Saying goodbye to 2012

Last year on NYE I was waiting for my HCG to drop to 0. We toasted to 2012 being our year. Since we had conceived after only 3 months of TTC, we had no doubt that the next time, it would be right, it would happen. 2012. It was supposed to happen.

That wasn't the case. 2012 will go down as one of the hardest years I've ever endured rivaling only the 2008 when I watched my mother battle her illness and ultimately lose her battle in a matter of months.

At the same time, I struggle with being so down about 2012. After all, it was my second year of marriage to my love. My life with T is amazing and I'm beyond lucky. To say it's the worst year ever, discredits my life with him.

Month after month, I actually thought that a pregnancy could happen. I was so hopeful, so optimistic. Even as I made the decision to see an RE and move forward in our journey, our new doctor encouraged us. I believed his decisions and his judgement. I trusted him when he said I didn't need certain tests because of my response to meds. I trusted his decision to only do IUI's and meds every other month rather than charging forward more aggressively.

I've become bitter, angry, sad and unhappy. I was a pain in the ass over Christmas. My husband is so supportive and bends over backwards for me but I can't seem to let a second of the day not revolve around our fertility struggles. He wants more than anything for me to be happy. He continues to tell me that no matter what, it's going to work out. Whether we get pregnant with our eggs, donor eggs, choose to adopt or make the decision not to have children. He said our life...will work out. Why can't I believe that? I don't know how to get to the point of acceptance.

My doctor still hasn't called me. Other than the nurse telling me almost 2 weeks ago that my AMH was >.16 all I've had on medical advise was thanks to the internet. I have no idea what this journey holds for us and unfortunately it's not moving at a fast pace either. My temp has started to drop and my next cycle will start most likely tomorrow. Which means, with my doctor still out and not expected back until next Monday, I will be sitting out another cycle. My surgery is scheduled for February 1st (if that is even still happening) which means, another cycle gone. I have high FSH and very low AMH, yet no one but me is worried or in a hurry to get me pregnant with my eggs. I'm 35 years old. I just can't comprehend that I don't have any eggs left.

So the moral of 2012? It wasn't meant to be our year. It was even meant to be better than 2011. I chose the wrong RE and that has cost me months of precious time. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully make a few better decisions to see what 2013 can bring.

Can it get worse? If this isn't rock bottom, then my heart may not be able to handle it.

Much love and please have a happy and safe New Years.

xo

2nd Opinion

Several things have happened since my short little post last week.

Might as well start with the most important. I'm now in Florida. I went from frigid, wintery blah-ness, to 70 degrees and sunshine. Boy was that needed. Nothing worse for an already sad mood, than cold, grey weather. We'll be here until next Friday. The only thing that would make this week better, is if it were just T and I. Unfortunately, his family is too. (Don't tell him I said that) They're great. I love his mom, but the aren't always the easiest to be around, especially during already trying times.

The next is my current RE never called. I only received my AMH levels because I called the nurse. I understand that he was having surgery last Monday, but he still said that he would call later in the week. Now the nurse is saying he'll call me when he's back after January 7th. With the whole test fiasco (that I didn't need--ha!) you would have thought they would have been falling over themselves. Obviously they aren't, since they're completely content to let me sit and stew with my crap >.16 for another 2 weeks with now explanation or plan. I went to him because he was supposed to be the best in my area. Right now, I'm wondering, exactly what makes him the "best". The only person I personally know that has a baby with his help, was done by DE and he made the exact same mistake with her as he did me. A little fact my husband pointed out when he asked "who do we know that had success with him". Unfortunately, I don't live in a city with a lot of options. I'm sure he's a very good doctor. But, seems like he's a little more into stats than really trying to give ALL his giving his patients a baby.

Which leads me to my next bit of news. T is in Chicago in mid January for work. So, paid hotel for a week. I had planned on joining him over the MLK weekend, since I have that Monday off. Did a little research on doctors that specialize in high FSH and came across the Fertility Clinic of Illinois. I called them on Friday and I had the most pleasant experience I've had to date (since MAY!) with an RE. How sad is that!? That really should say a lot. So I have an appointment for a second opinion on January 21st. Not to say that I'm going to necessarily leave my doctor. He certainly has the next few weeks to come back and surprise me. I hope that he does, because while I'm more than willing to travel to Chicago (3 hour drive) it certainly would be easier here in town.

I know that this doctor could tell me the same thing, you need to move to donor eggs. I'm prepared for  that, if that's what we need to do, but I need to know for sure. I need to know that I've tried what I can and everything that makes sense to have a biological child between my husband and myself. I certainly am not going to throw a ton of money at something that has little chance at working.

It's been a lot of very emotional moments the past week and a half. From full on heaving sobs to just sitting and staring into space, to a few really sweet moments with my hubby that I am able to smile. I know I'm just grieving and these are all stages of that. It's just hard.

Results are in...

The FSH of 15.5 was no joke. My AMH confirms my eggs are either crap or there aren't many of them, or both. It was less than .16.

My doctor is still on medical leave since he had a knee replacement on Monday so I've not heard from him. The nurse said very little other than the number kind of reflects the high FSH number and I'd hear from the doctor probably after the holidays.

I have no idea where he'll want to go from here. I have no idea what my options are. I'm just trying to get through my last day of work for the year so that I can take a much needed mental break.

I'll update more when I can, for now, I'm just a little numb.

xo

Bowling Alley Meltdown

Well, the internet was not my friend late last week. I spent way to much time and energy looking up FSH levels, IVF outcomes and donor egg information. Basically if my AMH level comes back low, then I may have trouble getting an RE (at least without going out of town) to do IVF with my own eggs.

I worked all day Thursday and Friday, and we had plans Thursday night. By Friday on my way home from work, I was pretty frazzled. When T got home, I collapsed in a puddle of sobs. He really wanted to meet some friends to go bowling that evening and  I wasn't sure it was a good idea. First of all, I felt sick, like I was coming down with a cold. I knew I also was in a rather "fragile" state. Regardless, I was determined to try and have a good evening out because I know he's been so supportive and we really haven't been doing much lately, mostly because of me. We ate dinner at home, then I got ready and we headed out. We got there early and put our name in. After getting drinks we sat there close to the lanes and the tears started to flow.

Good heavens, did they flow. I finally had to find a corner in the food area that I could face a wall, so no one would see the fact that I was full on sobbing again.

What happened next? Oh, we left. T called our friends, said it wasn't a good night and we went home. I felt awful, but T was awesome. I think I have held everything in the past several days that on Friday night my grief over the possibility that I may not have, at least a biological child of my own, kind of took over. Of course T said we don't even have the tests results yet. I need to relax until we know more. He also said that we would find a doctor wherever that takes us, that specializes in high FSH women to at least TRY with my eggs first.

Saturday and today have been much better. I've still had moments of being a little down, I still feel like I have a cold, but I was able to enjoy Christmas shopping and a little date night with my hubbers. Today's been the perfect Sunday couch day.

I don't know what the results will bring this week, but as my husband said, today is not the day to grieve.

12-12-12 is not a good day

I know I posted on Monday that I was waiting on my surgery to be scheduled and that bloody FSH test that I've been begging for seriously 4 solid cycles. I found out my surgery date yesterday but then was like, "I'll just wait till I get the results of the test so I have a decent update".

Well fuck me. I have an update.

Yesterday I found out the soonest I could get into surgery was February 1st. I was pretty bummed about this because that seems really far away. The nurse said RE was on vacation starting Dec 17 until Jan 7. So really, I guess if he only does one surgery day a week, that's only 4 surgery days away. Not preferable, but what am I gonna do? So I booked a trip to LA for a long weekend and scheduled a weekend in Chicago the weekend after. (T's on production in both cities during those times)

Well then today happened. I might mention that I've only actually met or spoken with my RE twice. Nurses do the monitoring appointments and my IUI's. Nurses also are the ones that call me with results and to answer questions. I know he is behind the scenes making all the decisions, but all in all, I've met with him twice. This morning, he called me personally. My heart dropped, because I knew this couldn't be good.

1) He was going to tell me that I was ridiculous for asking for an FSH when he kept telling me that I didn't need it.

or

2) My results were bad.

Guess what folks. It's option 2. My FSH level was 15.5. They want it to be less than 10, but anything over 15, is not good. His response on the phone was first to ask me if I came in on cycle day 3. Why yes, yes I did. His next response was actually shock. He said he doesn't want to believe it. My responses to meds have been great and on very low doses of Letrozole/Gonal F. He asked how soon I could come in to get and AFC and AMH. I said anytime you want me, I can be there. I also asked him what that meant. He said IF the results were accurate, it would not be a good prognosis and I would have a low chance of getting pregnant with out donor eggs. But...again, he said he doesn't believe so neither should I...yet.

I called T and he cancelled meetings to be with me at the appointment. (I've mentioned before how awesome he is, right?!) I was pretty upset at work (and again when I saw T), one of the owners now know we're having fertility issues, because of a little breakdown when I told him I wouldn't be back this afternoon. Sheesh.

So list of questions in hand, we head to the RE's office. He first did an ultrasound to check AFC. He loved my left ovary. Apparently he counted 5 follicles on that side. My right wasn't as good as the left, but he said there was some "noise" going on. That made him feel better. Especially combined with the fact that on Clomid, I responded well. On Femara, I responded well. On Femara/Gonal F, I responded well. And now with no meds at all, my body is still producing. So that's good.

So now it all comes down to the AMH and of course, it takes a week to get those results. I also found out my RE isn't really on "vacation" for the next 3 weeks. He's having knee replacement surgery. So even though the results should be in by next Tuesday, it will most likely be Wednesday when I hear from him. Who wants a drugged up doctor reading test results?! Agreed. I can wait one day.

So where do we go from here?! Well I can't say that for sure until next week. Though I do know that either way, we will be turning up the aggressiveness of our protocol either a little or a lot depending on the AMH result. Surgery is also in question depending on that result. My guess is IVF. Guess I'll have a pretty big update next week.

Merry Christmas to us, eh?

Thank you to my friends and my husband for making me feel loved today. Trust me, I know how lucky I am, even through all of this.

Cycle Day 2

Lets get some stats out of the way. This month will be my 15th cycle trying to conceive and my 12th cycle since my miscarriage. Ugh.

My BFN was confirmed with spotting on Saturday and full AF on Sunday. I spoke with my nurse today and I finally talked them into doing cycle day 3 blood work (FSH) tomorrow. I've been asking for this since August. I think they are finally doing it for my peace of mind and less because they think it's necessary. I certainly hope the results show that they are right. 

I was hoping to update after I had more information on my surgery. Their scheduler was supposed to call me today but didn't. I actually would like to go ahead and get the surgery this year. My deductible has been met, my job is crazy in January and T is out of town for the majority of January. My guess is, they will not be able to get me in by the end of next week, and I'll have to figure out surgery while T is out of town. Boo. Really hinders my would be pampering if he's not around. Guess I'll know for sure tomorrow when they call me. Guess at least if it is in January, I'll meet my deductible early on for 2013. If surgery doesn't happen in the next week, I guess we'll be trying on our own with no meds this month.

This weekend was pretty emotional. One, knowing that I had to go to my company Christmas party with lots of pregnant ladies. Exactly what I was looking forward to. Wanna know the most awesome part. One of the gals, that is due in February mind you, sat there sipping a glass of red wine the entire night. Really?! Luckily with 90 people there, I was able to ignore the 3 knocked up gals for the most part and had a pretty good time. Sunday I got a call from a friend of mine that had her second baby in September. I am beyond happy for her, but still hearing about how crazy her life is now knowing that I'm trying so hard month in and month out to have that life, it was just a tough phone call I guess. 

8 more work days in 2013. You have no idea how happy that makes me. Christmas shopping is done and we're heading to Florida in 11 days...another something that makes me happy. Guess I"m going to focus on the happy stuff for a bit. 

I'll leave ya'll with a little sample of one of the happier moments of the weekend...

Therapy Cry-Fest

It's really hard to say therapy and not automatically know that it's going to be one solid hour of tissues, sobs and tears. That's basically how it went. Being my first visit with her, I knew there would be a lot of history discussed. I've been told before that I have a lot of abandonment and loss "issues", she basically concurred.

So for those of you that remember my post from the summer where my old therapist basically told me I was ridiculous for have such bitter and difficult feelings toward friends and acquaintances that were expecting and how I left that appointment in a shaking rage of anger never to set foot in her office again? Well, the great thing is, this woman said quite the opposite. "If being around pregnant people is too hard, then avoid it, when possible." I can't help my feelings and if it helps me from dipping into that place of bitterness, then don't hang out with those friends. If they are true friends, they will understand that my mental well-being has to come first for me. Now, there are some that just can't be helped. I work with a friend that has known all about my journey over the past year and a half. She just found out she was pregnant a week ago, yet she continues to come in my office and complain about morning sickness and her digestive issues. It's hard to fathom how she doesn't realize that I am NOT the right confidant for her prenatal woes. She also keeps asking me, "so did this month work"?!?! Seriously, don't ask me. I think next week's session is going to have to be about how I explain (in a nice way) these, what would seem to ME to be obvious, actions are actually quite insensitive and to please leave me alone.

We talked a lot about my mother and how the grief and loss of my pregnancy last year and the difficulties in getting a BFP again have brought up the loss of my mother as if I had just lost her versus being 4 years ago. How sometimes I'm bitter and angry at other members of my family because I miss her and don't have that type of relationship with anyone else and really, that's what I want and need.

I told her how after ten years of dating T, I often worry that he's going to be discouraged with me. He knows how sad and down (dare I use the word depressed?) I am and have been for months, maybe more like a year and I can't seem to find a way to be ME again.

T was so glad that I made the effort to do this on my own. He's so supportive and absolutely amazing. I told her how very lucky I am to have him and sometimes wish that I could just put feelings of having a baby behind me and just live our lives together...happy.

He gave me a sweatshirt (early Christmas present) the other day that said "I am happy..." Today he mentioned doing a weekend trip to Ojai, California when he's out there for work in January. I started to cry when he mentioned that because I know how hard he's trying to put a smile on my face. I love him more than words for his constant awesomeness.

Update on this cycle. I'm 12 dpo and it's still a BFN. Not feeling very good about it at this point, but I'll continue to test till Friday.

Big flipping BOO.

Time to ask for help

The past few weeks have been pretty hard on me. I know my posts have seemed rather down in recent weeks and I hate that. I really do want to get back to more hopeful posts vs. bitter, angry and sad posts. I'm not sure how to get there though.

It's crazy to sit back and think about all the ladies that I've "met" this last year on this journey and how many of us have losses that happened in November/December of last year. So I know that I'm certainly not the only one that is really affected by this time of year. We've got so much cheer and holiday spirit coming from every angle and here I am spewing hateful pouts. So I caved. After my horrible experience with a therapist this summer, I've decided that I need to find someone to talk to about all of my emotions and heartache and well, hormonal outbursts.

I reached out to a therapist today and was able to get an appointment tomorrow night. I simply feel lost, broken, sad and angry ALL the time. I think "I" need a little mental fixing, and maybe then, I can at least feel get back to enjoying TTC, enjoying my family and friends and enjoying my life. Not to say I won't have tough moments...but there certainly needs to be a balance that I don't currently have.

My husband and I are very fortunate. To have the home we have, the jobs we have and each other. I want more than anything to have a family of our own, but that can't come at an expense of losing myself. I need a little courage and hope to keep going...nothing wrong with getting a little help to achieve that, right?

SO...here we go. I'm up for anything, and hopefully this woman is much better equipped to handle the emotional rants of a woman on hormones than my last therapist!

Quick update on this cycle...I don't really know anything. I had a progesterone draw this morning and it was only 13.3, my lowest p4 numbers in all the months it's been checked. If I have a positive HPT, I will go in for beta next Monday. At 10 dpiui, it's currently a BFN. Way early, I know. No symptoms to report other than some mild period-like cramps on and off over the weekend.

Fast forward, please?

One would normally think I'm wanting to fast forward through the two week wait. Of course, I do want that. I'm anxious to know if our efforts this month have worked. But actually, I haven't been thinking or stressing about the 2ww as much this time. Whether it's stress from other places or just being so f'ing busy at work and life in general, I really just want to fast forward to some relative calmness and peace in my life.

This week has been crap. Everything happened so fast last week and I was so hyped up on the good response that this week has really been well, a huge let down. My emotions are going from such highs and lows, I can't really keep up...and it's draining.

Of course, this is the point in my cycle, where I try to avoid alcohol, just in case. However, I need a gigantic glass of wine in all kinds of desperate ways right now. It's weeks like these that I wonder how much longer I can stay in this game. Is all of this going to be worth it if my mental health doesn't survive?

Trying to keep the faith, but this week has been very, very hard on so many levels.

Officially in the 2ww!

The past 5 days has been a complete whirlwind. I can't believe how fast the holiday weekend flew by and that it's back to work tomorrow.

I think I last left off with, "holy cow, it's 9 dpo and I'm triggering" post. We went in on Thursday morning with T's sample firmly situated between bra and boob for our IUI. We were one of two couples that they were seeing that day. So should they have mixed up the sperm, I guess we'll know who they mixed it up with...at least this was how we chose to joke about our early Thanksgiving adventure. Once we got back there, they were in and out in 30 seconds. The nurse kept saying how great the catheter went in and I didn't have any cramps during or after. We also found out that T's "contribution" prewash was a whopping 244 MILLION! Big high five to my awesome guy. Post wash was 51 million and 90% motility. So they definitely took the strongest and fastest! I was home in time to make my mother's sweet potato biscuits all before lunch. 

This was one of the first holiday's that we haven't traveled to see family. Mainly because we knew we'd be traveling over Christmas, so next month won't be a medicated cycle. For Thanksgiving, we went to a close friends mother's house for a fantastic dinner. I was a little nervous because, well, there were almost more children than their were adults. Luckily all the kids were over the age of 4 and didn't really strike my overly sensitive baby radar. I actually really enjoyed playing card games and having tea parties with the kids. I came home with 4 more homemade necklaces and bracelets than I had than when I left that morning. The funny thing was that there were TWO sets of twins and one other boy that had been conceived via fertility treatments. One of the ladies even saw my RE and raved about him. Her son is now 10 years old. T went to a bar with the guys for an hour or so and said they were trying to get him to take shots and he finally broke down and said he wasn't drinking because he had to give a sample the next day, he said every guy there, groaned and said, oh yeah, we've been there. Why is it that SO many people have these kind of issues these days?! 

Friday morning I got up at 7 am, so that I could hit the mall. I was there at 8 am when they opened and hit Anthropologie, Saks and Crate and Barrel. Score!! I was home by 9:15, a full hour before we had to leave for the RE's office again. Of course, the same couple was there again for their second IUI...too funny, we had a nice nod and laugh as they entered the waiting room. The actual IUI went super fast again and T's sperm count was almost the same as the day before. 234 million prewash, 44 millions post. Another job well done. We left, had lunch and went to see Silver Linings Playbook. Loved it! It was so good. We went out for hibachi with T's sister for dinner and had a great time! We ended a perfect day with a little baby dancing! Finally! Since I had been on AF almost up until my u/s on Wednesday, it had been almost 2 weeks. Saturday, we went to see Lincoln. Tis the season to see movies, right!? After that, we went home decorated our tree and spent the evening in front of the fire watching tv. Another fantastic day! (including more baby dancing!)

Sunday, more baby dancing. I'm pretty sure, the bases are covered! He's officially on a break. I start taking my progesterone supplement tomorrow and go in for my p4 test next Monday. Beta would be the following Monday.

I'll leave you with a little pic of the oldest and the boss of our house, Sidney. Our cats, LOVE Christmas because it means they get to sleep under the Christmas tree. 

Here we go...my last 2ww of 2012. 

Say what?! Like, WHAT?!

Wow. What a day this has been. I'm hoping it was my low point this weekend that had the IF Gods (as BFF JB calls them) taking notice and smiling down on me today. My hope is...they continue to do so.

Cycle Day 9 Recap:

I started off with an early morning acupuncture appointment. I then raced to my ultrasound appointment, already resigned to the fact that my lining would be thin. With Thanksgiving tomorrow they were doing the u/s on cycle day 9 instead of the normal cycle day 10. So I'm expecting maybe a few small follicles and the IUI's most likely being scheduled over the weekend, at the earliest.

Boy was I dead wrong!
First of all, my lining was 9mm!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?! I've never had a lining thicker than 6! So before I could remove my jaw from the floor, I found out about my follies:

Left Ovary: 29x17, 22x16
Right Ovary: 23x17

My LH was 12, so the doctor called me with those results at 2:30 today and told me to take my Ovidrel at 3 pm. What a perfect excuse to start my holiday weekend a few hours early and get a jump start on traffic! Trigger is now done and I'm already in my comfy pants!

IUI #1 - We have to have Mr. T's sample at the office by 8 am. My IUI will be around 9 am.
IUI #2 - Mr. T will have his sample at the office at 10:30 am, IUI following.

Taking turkey bastering on Thanksgiving to a whole new level, eh?!

YAY! I finally feel confident! Lining. Check. Follies. Check. Trigger. Check. 2 IUI's CHECK! Now I know that this certainly doesn't mean it will work. But I'm so very happy that things are at least lining up. Today I have hope that even if this isn't the cycle...it's going to happen, we'll get there. What a huge difference from how sad and lost I felt last Thanksgiving which fell only 4 days after my D&C.

Happy Happy Thanksgiving to all of you lovely ladies whether you have your miracle sitting in your lap, whether you recently got your BFP, or are still on the journey. Hugs to all of you.

My cruel universe

So this weekend is my low point. I keeping wishing these few days off of my calendar for good, so far, no such luck.

4 years ago, at 6 pm, on November 17th, I chatted with my mom on the phone about Thanksgiving. We talked about us coming to her instead of her coming to our house, she wasn't feeling well. The next morning I woke up to find that my mom was gone, she had died at 1:30 am, November 18th. Most likely a blood clot caused by the chemo she was taking.

I am her only child. So there isn't anyone to share the loneliness of this day. So as everyone else moves on with their lives, here I am, remembering what November 17th and 18th means to me.

Last fall, I was pregnant. I was scheduled to see the heart beat of our baby on November 18th. I remember telling T a few days before the appointment that everything had to be fine. The universe wouldn't be that cruel.

Unfortunately, I underestimated the universe. That was the day that we found out about our blighted ovum, that lead to our subsequent D&C's and ultimately, on the journey that we are still on.

November 18th, is not my friend. I don't even want to acknowledge it. Especially since even after all of that, I believed that a BFP would still happen. So many times over those difficult months, my husband told me, don't worry, 2012 will be our year. Here we are, November 18th and this has been far from our year. Don't get me wrong. T has certainly gave me many happy moments, but at the end of the day, I feel lost. Lost without my mother to help me through these struggles and lost with the constant disappointment month after month of that negative pregnancy test.

I remember a time, very recent, that each month, I had such high hopes of a BFP. I think the worst part of where I am right now, is that I no longer have those hopes or expectations. Right now, I miss that hope. I miss that I should have a 4 month old right now. I miss my mom.

We're a go...by the skin of our teeth

Such a weird saying...teeth don't have skin. I only thought of that after seeing it typed out.

Today did not get off to a good start. Went in for my baseline u/s and had a cyst on my left ovary that was concerning. They did blood work to check the estrogen levels to make sure that cyst wasn't putting off high levels. If it was, this cycle would be out and let me tell you, I would have been one unhappy, ranting, kicking and screaming blogger.

She just called. The doctor likes the levels to be less than 50 to continue forward with the cycle. My level was 48 so apparently the doctor said we're good to go.

I mean, I know I let off a huge sigh of relief. I was all prepared to tell them lets just get on with the Laporoscopy and start again next year. Thank goodness we get one more shot before we move on to the diagnostics.

So the plan is:

Femara 5mg - Cycle days 2-6
Gonal-f 75ml - Cycle days 6-10

Ultrasound on cycle day 9 (since Thanksgiving is on cd 10) then determined which day I'll be triggering and which days we'll be going in for the IUI's since we're doing back to back this cycle. The nurse was assuming sometime between Friday and Sunday.

So I guess for today, I'm really thankful that I at least get a shot this month.

The Highs and Lows of Hell

It's been a while since I updated (at least by my standards). I think a big reason for that is just where I've been emotionally the past week. Each time I've logged into write a post, I've started, then stopped. I don't want my blog to always be gloom and doom. I want it to be cute, funny, sweet and yes, a little gloomy. The past few weeks, I've felt pretty dark. I've been bitter, angry, frustrated and sad. Not just in regards to TTC, but just in general, to friends and family. I always knew that this journey can take you to some low places and I think I hit mine. (Lets hope that was the low, sheesh!) So now that I've gotten that off my chest, lets move on, shall we!?

So yesterday, 18 dpo, I finally got AF. It's crazy how you dread for her to show up for most of the month, but then it gets to a point where I'm literally pleading with the inside of my toilet bowl to show signs she's here. Once she's here, I get to move ON! So, here we are officially cycle day 2.

Now lets get to the drama that happened when she arrived. I called my RE's office and spoke to the nurse. Since this was starting mid-afternoon, she said, oh, just call me tomorrow when you have full flow for a day and dismissed me, hanging up quickly. I have been in a panic since that call. Here's why: 

(TMI warning)

Ever since I was on Clomid May-July, I haven't had a normal period. It starts on cd 1, where I will go tinkle, and there will be blood that will drip in the toilet and when I wipe. I will not need a tampon, pad or liner, because once I'm off the toilet, it doesn't do anything until I need to tinkle again, then repeat, and so forth. CD 2, will be spotting to very light, again only when I'm tinkling and wiping. This will continue through cd 3-5. These are my cycles. They're very consistent. So...

Today I called again, at the brink of tears, basically saying I need someone to listen to me. My cycles aren't normal and I believe this could be my biggest issue, relating to lining and so forth. Every cycle they've said that on Letrozole (Femara) you don't need as thick of lining, but maybe that's people that have normal lining to begin with. They've poo-poo'd my request for estrogen supplements. Well finally, after a long conversation with the nurse, I think she finally understands. Which means...

Yesterday was cycle day 1. Tonight I start the Femara and tomorrow morning I go in for my baseline u/s. They want to see if my lining is thick or thin, confirming whether this is truly the only period I'm going to get. They are also going to test my estrogen. Finally, they are listening to me! 

So I do feel better today. I'm still nervous that this won't work regardless and I ultimately need to Laporoscopy and Hysterscopy procedure to really move forward, but at least I know that if this cycle doesn't work, that's the next move. 

Lastly, can I just give the biggest cyber hug to my husband for putting up with my crazy these past few months. Who knew I married a saint?! (I'm sure I'll feel differently once I'm back on my progesterone supplement)

IUI Cycle...take 2.

I'm super late in posting a new update. It's been over a week! My job has been incredibly insane lately. By the time I get home from work, I've had no desire to be on the computer. Hate when work starts effecting my social life/blog in such a way! Things have been really good the past week and a half.

First, I got fantastic news from on of my cyber TTC longtime buddies that her first IUI worked! She got a BFP last weekend and I'm beyond thrilled for her. It's funny how hearing some women get pregnant can make you feel bitterness, but then there are others that really just give me hope. This was definitely one of the latter and I wish her a very health and happy 9 months!

As for how my "off cycle" went, unfortunately, it was a BFN. I've discontinued my Prometrium, so AF should be here this weekend. Where's the good news in all of this?! I'm on to cycle number 2. Lets take a "perfect cycle" and make it a perfect BFP! That's my goal for the month. Considering I will very likely be getting one of my IUI's on Thanksgiving, it would most certainly give me something to be thankful for. So I'm going into this cycle thinking the very best.

Based on the results of last cycle, I will be doing the same protocol. Femara/Gonal-f/Ovedril and then back to back IUI's. I'm concerned about my lining. That's really where I think my issue is and would love to have a nice fat lining for once. Come on, give a girl a break, just once!

"It was the perfect cycle...

you just didn't get pregnant"

Those are the words of my RE today during our consultation. My last IUI cycle was text book perfect. He still doesn't see how I could have ovulated early based on my LH levels on cd 10 being 5. (IUI was on cd 13) At least it would have been very odd and highly unlikely.

That being said he hopes that, well, for one, maybe this cycle on my own will work! Okay, so the realist in me is just moving on and planning for my November IUI. If I get a BFP between now and then...bonus. For now, lets plan "next time". It gives me something to focus on. So, he doesn't want to change any of the meds. So Letrozole/Femara cd 2-6, Gonal-F cd 6-10. Baseline U/S on cd 3 & 10. Ovedril trigger prior to the IUI(s). The one difference, is we'll most likely be doing back to back IUI's. He did say that it does increase my chances, he just doesn't do them as often because some folks have issues with the scheduling, but he was completely on board with doing it. Oddly enough, if things stay on track, I'll most likely be looking at my IUI around Thanksgiving.

What stumps me is he said that my ovaries are in great shape. My follies were great. T's sperm count was great. He's extremely optimistic. So that said, why has it been 10 months of TTC and nothing?!

So a couple things I'm still fuzzy on even though he's explained this over and over again:

1) I've never had a FSH test on cd 3. The nurses in the past have said I didn't need it and now the doctor told me based on my response last cycle, it would be a waste of money because he knows that's fine.

2) My lining at cd 10 last cycle was 6.5. That was the only time it was checked. My doctor has never been concerned about this because "it doesn't have to be as thick on Letrozole".  So he poo-poo's this anytime I mention it.

Any comments from you ladies that know about these things, by all means, let me know!

Lastly, if the November IUI doesn't work, I'll be doing the Laporoscopy/Hysterscopy procedure the next cycle. After that, we'd most likely at least one more IUI cycle before moving to IVF. Lets hope it doesn't get to that.

News of this cycle: I'm 4 dpo, some cramping today, I start my progesterone suppositories tonight. I plan on testing at 12 dpo (Nov. 7th) since that's Trev's birthday. Here's hoping!

Chicago. Wine. Food. Liquor. Oh...and O.

It appears that I ovulated on Friday, cd 13. Love that it was while we were in Chicago on our little mini-getaway. What is it that makes having sex away from home so hot?! I think it's just nice to get out of the regular routine...whatever it takes, I guess!

This has been a weird week though. I never actually got a positive OPK. Let me mention that I tested about 3-4 times a day since Tuesday! So very weird that I may have missed it. Not sure that means much, but there we have it. My monitor showed a dip on Wednesday which indicated I was fertile, and my temp rose Saturday, significantly. Then on Sunday, I had O pains. Weird transition, but that's really all I have to go on. Fertility Friend did confirm O for Friday as well.

Aside from that, we had a great time away! We met some good friends of ours that live in Denver here in Chicago they are such good people. She did ask me about having kids. Ironically, our last trip with them was a few days after my ectopic pregnancy from the IUD before we got married. I did tell her we've been having some struggles and she was so sweet and supportive. She was easy to talk to about it because while she has kids (3), they are done. Their youngest is 5. I didn't feel like next week I'm going to look at Facebook and see her pregnancy post!

I must admit I had more alcohol than I have in a while. A whopping 5 drinks all weekend.. I don't even feel guilty. This journey can only take so much of my life and I'm sure next week I'll abstain till AF comes again, but for now, I'm glad I relaxed a bit and enjoyed my weekend.

Happy Monday, I'm officially in my 2 week wait, again!

Gearing up for O...again.

Does it ever get boring hearing about my cycles, over and over again?! Maybe it's just me that's bored with my cycles that ultimately end with a BFN. I'm ready for a change.

I haven't updated in a while mostly because there wasn't much to report! I'm on cycle day nine. I finished my Femara on Saturday. I started OPK's today, not positive yet, but I expect it to be positive by Wednesday-ish. I've been using my Ovacue again, and it's kind of refreshing! My fertile window has been pinpointed between tomorrow and Friday, so we'll start bd'ing tonight or tomorrow, probably every other day until my +OPK, then every day. The nice thing about my monitor is that in the past, everything always lines up. The OPK's, the monitor and my BBT's typically will all confirm the same day as ovulation, which is nice when I'm not being monitored.

Next Tuesday, I meet with my RE to discuss our next IUI cycle. Would love, love, love to not need another round of injectibles. Who knows...October was the month we conceived last year. Maybe this year we can pull it off again, but hopefully with a sticky little one this go round.

Other than that, life is just moving along. We've both been crazy busy at work lately, but we've got a fun weekend planned in Chicago with some friends of ours. Should be a perfect weekend away to take our minds off of our TTC journey.

I know that one day, I'll look back on this journey and it will all be worth it. I just really hope that day comes soon...

Eat my words?

Sorry. Not this time. Trust me, I was hoping that was going to be the case, but today is officially cycle day 1. Again.

I'm doing surprisingly well. I think the doubt and just gut feeling over the past week or so has made today when AF showed up, a little, well, easier. I'm just ready to look towards this next cycle and give it our all. We'll be in Chicago for the weekend during what should be my fertile window which is perfect. For some reason, being away from home, baby dancing tends to be a little more "ahem" exciting. Maybe it's just out of the ordinary and takes a little pressure off. Either way, the timing couldn't be more perfect.

I've officially gotten my thermometer out of hiding (since I never really stopped temping...only told the hubs that I did) and my Ovacue monitor is cued up and ready to go tomorrow. I haven't used it since July, but without being monitored, I decided I wanted every advantage possible this month. Would love, love, love to get a BFP on our own without having to go through the cost of the injectibles and IUI in November. Here's my positive thinking in full effect!!

We've had an awesome weekend (well, other than AF showing up) and I wish tomorrow wasn't Monday. I enjoyed a chill, kicked back weekend with my favorite guy. Love these kind of days. Hopefully this week flies by so we can get back to the weekend!

It appears the heart always knows

Here I am at 11dpiui, and I'm rocking a BFN. It's funny, I knew this over the weekend. Shit, I knew this the 24 hours prior to my IUI when I knew for certain that I was ovulating and we had been told not to baby dance those days leading up. It's a lesson for sure. I know how I'll handle my next IUI.

I'll continue to test through Friday, just in case this was a late implanter. However, sometimes when you know, you know. My lower back has been on fire for the past 5 days, I think that's more of a pre-AF symptom, rather than a pregnancy symptom. I also have officially moved past the "bloated" stage that I had most of this cycle due to the meds and have reverted back to flat belly. My breast tenderness is also wearing off. I usually am tender following ovulation, but it ends several days prior to AF.

I was pretty heart broken over the realization this past weekend. I know so many people that have supported me have continued to say that it's early, don't count yourself out till AF shows, but, there's a time when you just know and since AF won't show until I discontinue the prometrium, it's kinda on me. I know how my body works. I'm sure every pregnancy is different. I know that I'm technically 11dpiui, however, since I know I ovulated the day before (I even had a temp spike to prove it the morning of the IUI) that is technically makes me 12dpo. Many of you have said, the timing is perfect if the egg has already dropped. I totally agree. But and egg only lives for 12-24 hours. I ovulated around late morning on Friday. My IUI was late morning on Saturday. That's 24 hours. So that is in fact a bit of a stretch. I appreciate more than words the support and the push for me to stay positive, but it's also necessary for me to be real.

If I get a + HPT come Friday, by all means, blast me with I told you so's, I'll welcome them with open arms. I'm definitely doing better now. I think the past few days has helped me to accept, so that I can move on to the next cycle. Don't get me wrong. This fucking sucks and I really wish that this would have happened this month. The next month is just a slew of reminders for me...namely I found out I was pregnant last year on October 27th. So this was my last chance to get this done within a year.

Okay, so plan for next month. My RE likes to take a month off of the injectibles and IUI to give my ovaries a bit of a rest. I do still plan on doing the femara on cd 2-6 to help with ovulation and hopefully help to keep me from having another 42 day cycle! November will do the IUI again, armed with a bit more knowledge than I had this month. One, I'll either demand 2 IUI's. I asked about this last month and was just told "no". I'm paying 100% out of pocket, if I want it, I'll be making damn sure I get it. If we don't go that route, I'll be baby dancing the night of the trigger and the night of the IUI and the following day. The typical schedule that I seem to see from others. I am kicking myself that I didn't go with my gut and do that this cycle. Another thing that I want to see is where my lining and follicles are prior to the IUI. This cycle I did a cd 10 u/s and we knew I was close with the 20mm follie on the right and the 18mm follie on the left. I was told to trigger the following night and then the IUI 36 hours later. As I mentioned before, I got the +OPK several hours prior to the trigger. I also did not have another u/s this cycle. I think it would have been smart to have done with in between the trigger and the IUI or the morning of the IUI. I was told it would "disrupt" the environment and that's why they didn't do one that morning. Pretty safe to say, I learned a lot and I'm going in a little more determined to voice my opinion. I trust my doctor, but I also trust my body. I've been at this for 15 months. I KNOW when I ovulate. I've also been charting all these months and it's always been very reliable. I also know that after a +OPK, I ovulate the next day with a temp shift the following day. All of these "signs" have coincided month after month.

The good news. I ovulate every month. This is the plus side. I'm confident that this next cycle will be no different. We'll be traveling during my fertile window this month. Little side note, we tend to have lots of extra, non-feeling-like-sex-on-demand-sex when we travel. This makes me very happy and maybe, just maybe, we can do this with just the femara and I won't even have to do another IUI. A girl can hope right, sometimes it's what gets me through. Mr. T has told me I don't have to sneak and temp this month since I won't be monitored, he just doesn't want me to tell him when I'm ovulating. Done. Whatever he needs, I'm more than willing to oblige. The TTC journey certainly starts to effect him as well, and if that's what he needs, you got it, champ.

I'll post back this weekend...with an "I eat my words, I'm pregnant post", or an AF confirmation.

Happy Wednesday!

1 more week to wait it out

This has been an excruciatingly long week. Not sure how else to put it. Work has been a bit of a drag which makes the days super long. Tomorrow will be one week since my IUI and other than a bit of cramping and lower back pain, it's been business as usual. My progesterone levels yesterday at 6 dpiui, were 31, which is great. I know that the trigger is out of my system, so by mid-late next week, I'll probably start testing. If I have a BFP, I go in for my beta on October 16th. If not, I'll discontinue the progesterone supplements and move on to the next cycle.

I wish my heart was into this cycle, but it's not. I don't feel that this is it. I certainly hope it is, but my gut is telling me it's not. T got pretty upset about my "negativity" the other night, so I guess the only way to express my feelings is right here. Not sure if it's still the timing of the IUI that is bothering me, I feel in my heart that I ovulated much earlier than the expected 36 hours after the trigger, but something just isn't sitting quite right with me. That's okay, I know that this was just our first opportunity and if it doesn't work, we'll do it again in November.

On an incredibly happy note, and one that really should inspire me to think more positively, I've seen 2 of my cyber buddies that were also going through IUI's this month get BFP's in the past 2 days. I couldn't be more overjoyed for them!! I've been doing a little dancing jig all day just for them.

No worries, soon enough, it will be my turn. See how I turned that mopey-ness around by the end!? Go team.

What a beautiful day to make a baby.

Well, at least give a solid honest effort.

We arrived bright and early for Mr. T's contribution, iPad in hand, just in case they had wireless and he needed any "extra motivation"...which of course, they didn't and he didn't since I timed him and he was in and out in 8 minutes. High five.

We had an hour to kill while they washed his sample, luckily there was a Paradise Cafe very close by, so we went there for a quick breakfast. We even tried to gaze lovely into each other's eyes because we figured we should if we were going to try and make a baby this morning.

At 9:30 we headed back to the lab, were given the paperwork and the little vial of goods and headed to the doctor's office. They really should seal the results. Our ride was full of anxiety, since neither of us knew how to read the results and thought that his total count was 19M and the count after the wash was 6M. Well, no, we're just idiots. His total count was 65M and the count after the wash that are headed after those 4 eggs of mine was 42M. All other variables were "text book" as she called them. Another high five and a lolly pop for Mr. T. Job well done, sir.

We were in and out of the doctor's office in about a half hour to forty five minutes. The procedure was fairly quick. Took about 7-8 minutes and wasn't painful. I think my expectations of cramps was worse than any thing I actually felt. They had me lie there afterwards for 15 minutes while she answered lots of questions for me. I start progesterone supplements on Tuesday, twice a day, and this time I'll be inserting them vaginally rather than orally. On Thursday, I'll head in for a progesterone blood draw. Funny enough, I was told that baby dancing around 3-5 days after the IUI has shown to help with implantation. Who knew?! I certainly didn't. We'll that's at least an easy little home remedy I'm willing to try.

I was told to take an HPT or come in for a blood draw on cycle day 30. That's October 16th. There is no way in hell I'll be able to wait that long to test, my guess is I'll test around October 10th and probably even test before that to see the trigger leave my system. If it's negative on cd 30, I'll discontinue the progesterone and AF should arrive shortly after.

So, the longest 2ww of this journey starts now. I responded well to the meds and T did his part perfectly. We did what we could and now we just sit back and hope. If this isn't our month, then we'll try again in November. This afternoon we made homemade spicy pineapple ice cream (hey, another thing great for implantation!). We've got all the windows and doors open and have just been enjoying spending the day together watching movies and planning what we're going to make for dinner tonight. We live on a 26 mile bike trail, so we're thinking of taking a little stroll a bit later to get a piece of this awesome weather and check out the changing of the leaves.

Seems like a perfect conception day to me!

Holy moly it must be a litter!

My right ovary is throbbing! The left chimes in every now and then, but the right is pretty constant, It started up pretty good yesterday and is even worse today. Of course makes me wonder how many of those 4 follies is trying to release. My lower back has been hurting for a few days. I got a + (or really close to it) OPK last night just prior to my trigger shot. I took it at 10 pm on the dot! I started getting worried that my IUI on Saturday morning could be to late! Especially since they said Wednesday night was the last time we could baby dance prior to Saturday's procedure.

So of course after googling at 3 am this morning under the covers so T wouldn't catch me...I got even more concerned. So many stories about how they triggered right after a + OPK then did the IUI the following day. Well crap. First thing I did on my way in to work this morning was call my RE's office and the nurse told me it's all being timed perfectly, not to worry, we're still good for Saturday. I guess I feel better, but it seem so out of my control when it all depends on this one little IUI to get all the little guys up and where they need to be in a timely fashion! Add in the pain I'm having today, it's hard not to think that ovulation could happen today instead of tomorrow. I'm paying to trust the doctor, so I guess that's all I can do at this point.

Tomorrow is the first time in 4 years that I will not be walking in the Ovarian Cancer walk/run in my city. I've always done a big fund raising effort and had a group of my friends and my mother's friends walk together in her memory followed by brunch. These past few months have been so tough without her that, emotionally, I just wasn't able to pull it together. That said, I did think that T and I would go and walk together anyway, just the two of us. Well, that's of course changed now, since my IUI will be during this time. Here's hoping that it was a sign all along that this year I'd be doing something even more important. I know my Mom is cheering me on wherever tomorrow's "walk" may lead me!

Lastly, I've decided on homemade pineapple ice cream for my couch time tomorrow. Delish AND great for implantation. Bonus!

And no, I most definitely won't forget the hot fudge!!

As always, thanks gals, for your never-ending support!!

First IUI is...

SCHEDULED!!!

My cycle day 10 ultrasound went great! I had 4 follicles in total. Two on each side. One large and one small on the right and one large and one small on the left. The dominant follicle on the right measured at 20mm and the dominant follicle on the left measured at 18mm. The smaller ones were less than 15mm so the doctor wasn't really concerned with those. My lining was 6.5mm and they want it at 8mm, but they said it will continue to thicken over the next few days.

So the plan is...

He would like the follicle on the left to get a tad bigger, so tonight I'll do my last shot of Gonal F. Tomorrow at 10 pm, I'll do the Ovidrel trigger shot. Saturday at 8:30 am, Mr. T will be making his "contribution" and at 10 am, we do the IUI. The only thing that could change the timing is if this morning's blood work shows I'm close to ovulating on my own, they'll move everything up a day. I've been taking OPK's and they have been as negative as negative can get, so I'm thinking the blood work will keep things on track for Saturday.

Everything seems to be going great so far, and I responded perfectly to the meds. Now, if I can only get my body to cooperate the rest of the way, maybe, just maybe we can make a baby this weekend. Here's freakin' hoping.

T is on abstinence lock down until Saturday. We BD'd yesterday morning and he had permission to "relieve" himself this morning after I left. That gives him 4 days to stew the perfect batch of swimmers!

So...Saturday afternoon, please expect to find me on my couch watching chick-flicks and eating ice cream and most likely updating my blog!!!

Fingers and toes are crossed!!

Heart & Soul - All In

I can't find a lot of people where the injectibles and IUI works the very first time. Trust me, I'm looking relentlessly. There are some, for sure, but more folks that go on to have a second and third. Yet, I feel such an absolute need for this cycle. I can't keep hearing about siblings and siblings in-laws that are pregnant. That's right. My middle sister (step-sister actually) is pregnant with number 2. Her first was conceived via IVF. Which she didn't try all that long and she never shared the details of the how's and why's. However, she went into her first IVF without the slightest worry that it would "work". I have no idea how she conceived this child. That information wasn't shared with me. What I do know, is that she is well aware of my miscarriage and struggles, yet, I found out about her pregnancy in a most insensitive way. I'm so upset that this is a person I call my family, that I'll just end it here and move on.

I know without a doubt that if this cycle doesn't work, my heart will break. I feel completely invested. Heart. Soul. Bank account. I'm very close to when I conceived last year and never thought for a minute that a year later that I a) wouldn't be holding my baby right now or b) would still be trying to conceive. It's to the point of being maddening. I finally shared with my MIL the treatments we're going through. She understands my need for keeping this quiet, but at the same time, I don't have my mother to turn to and I've felt a little lost over that lately. If I can't have my mom, might as well have his.

In less than 16 hours, I'll have my cd 10 u/s to find out what's going on in there. I've had some lower back pain, a few cramps and A LOT of bloating, but other than that, no other side effects from the meds. They'll be doing blood work with the u/s as well, so I'm very anxious to find out what comes of all of this and how the cycle is progressing. I would assume after tomorrow we'll have a better idea of when I'll be triggering and scheduling the IUI. So far, OPK's are very faint, which is what I expect for cd 8 (I haven't taken one today yet).

I keep hoping for a miracle, but at the same time, this is me we're talking about, and things just don't always work out for me. T has better luck than me, so hopefully that prevails.

Will update tomorrow with the stats.

Everything is a waiting game

Waiting for AF
Waiting for ovulation
Waiting for a BFP (yet always getting a BFN)

It's a never ending cycle of waiting, yet all I seem to be doing is wishing my life away. I'm on cd 5. Doesn't it seem like I should be mid-cycle by now? Maybe it's the 42 day cycle that's clouding my mind, but this seems to be dragging.

Better news, I did receive my injectibles to day. I'm already to get started tomorrow evening after my last dose of Femara. Not to nervous about the needles. I'm not squeamish, so I think I'll be fine. From my readings, it doesn't seem like they cause to many side effects. I certainly haven't felt any with the Femara. Compared to my raging bitch hormones that I had on Clomid, I'd say that's pretty good.

I went to acupuncture today. Completely relaxing. That's why I like it. He did want me to start taking these Chinese herbs today. I took them, but I don't think I'm going to take them. He said they wouldn't have any affect on my fertility meds, but I'm spending a lot of money on my RE, meds and IUI. I don't think I want to risk throwing in something that my RE didn't recommend. So, I'm going to hold on to them, and if my doctor condones them, then I'll consider it.

I'll try and post later this weekend how the injections are going. I'm being all tough now, but I'll probably be a big fat baby by the time I'm actually ready to do it.

All systems go...so far.

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning to check for cysts, my lining and discuss the Gonal-f injections. Everything looked on track. No cysts, or at least anything that looked concerning whatsoever. My lining was 4mm, but I was told that's normal at CD 3.

I started taking the 5mg of Femara last night. The nurse is calling in my injections to be delivered on Friday. I'll start taking the Gonal-f Saturday - Tuesday. Next Wednesday morning I'll have a CD 10 u/s to check where things are and determined if I need to continue with the injections. She did say it will most likely be to early to trigger, but at least we'll have a better idea of the timing of when that will happen and if the IUI will happen based on how many follicles. 5 or more, and we cancel. (It's really hard to imagine 4, but we're trusting the doctor on this--I guess the more targets the better!) I am a little nervous about injections in my belly! I'm sure it will be no big deal and the thought is much worse that how it actually is. It just sounds like it's no fun!! 

I already knew this, but it was confirmed that my insurance does not cover anything for fertility. Big bummer. So we're paying out of pocket from here on out. I just created a nice little spreadsheet to keep track. Not sure we'll want to look at the bottom number when this is all said and done, but if we get a baby, you won't hear a single complaint from me. 

Acupuncture is scheduled for this Friday and again next Friday. Just hoping and crossing all fingers and toes that my body has a good response. Whether it works this first cycle or not, I just would like to know that things are progressing past the Clomid fiasco. 

Can you tell I'm still a little scorned from that 4 month waste?! 

About to break...

This cycle has been by far my worst. I'm to the point of either screaming or just breaking down in a puddle of tears.

I started Provera (10 days) last Thursday. Yesterday I had the faintest of faint spotting, but didn't think anything of it and took my 4th dose of the Provera. This morning I woke up to AF. So after 42 days, it's finally here, cd 1. Today started off with a sigh of relief that we're finally moving forward.

I called my RE's office at 8:45 am to let them know, find out if I should continue the Provera or stop and whether or not I go forward with the Femara tomorrow (cd 2). I also wanted to know if I need to plan for any cd 3 blood work and what the plan for the injectibles were. All and all, it seemed like fairly important questions that should be addressed quickly. Especially since there are meds involved.

Next I called and scheduled an acupuncture visit for Friday, cd 5, since cd 7 is on a Sunday. He said better to get in early, than late.

Since then...waiting. I've had my phone on me constantly. Walking to the bathroom, to the printer, to get a water bottle and even sitting on the table at lunch just in case.

STILL waiting.

At 3:50 I called again even though they specifically say on the voicemail that I should not leave duplicate messages. I knew they close at 4 pm and really need to know if I should take the dose of Provera tonight. The comments I got on BBC were mixed, so where I thought I would just stop, I don't know what my doctor would have me do.

I'm frustrated mostly because, while I know this is one of the best RE's in the city, I really started going to him so I wouldn't be waiting for days for a response or having these frustrations of not being able to get answers. Here I am, in the exact same position. I have no clue if they call patients after hours. I had been planning on writing a "yay, finally" post complete with the doctor's orders for this coming week and it's turned into yet another venting/frustration post.

Update--My vent worked

The doctor's office just called. Whew. I was about to go postal.

I'm stopping the Provera, this is officially cycle day 1! Time for my Yaaaaayyyyyy!! I start 5mg of Femara tomorrow and then I go in on Wednesday for a baseline ultrasound with the nurses and I'll also order and learn how to do the injections and will start those later this week.

The Black Eyed Peas song running through my head right now, as I do my best white girl bootie shake is...

Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here

Never ending cycle. Day 39

Seriously?! I'm all ready to start this next journey with my new RE + meds + IUI and I can't seem to start another cycle! I'm so frustrated I could scream. I took 5 days of Provera last week and finished that on Saturday. Here I am, 5 days after that, and still nothing.

W.T.F.

Sorry, it's going to be one of those posts. I've even been temping, kinda on and off, this cycle. There was a definite shift at some point. Hard to say exactly which day that happened, but I went from consistent temps of 97.33 for the first 23 days, to the past week and a half or so of temps of over 98. So potentially I did ovulate? I would have thought my temps wouldn't have rose had I not. I'm not thinking BFP, because well, there was no baby dancing...we were traveling to different parts of the country the past 2 weeks. (and yes, I did test just to be sure)

Even if I did ovulate around CD 23-24 (which is 2 weeks later than I normally do) then I'd be around 16 dpo. So either way, I'm late.

Again...WTF.

Isn't it bad enough we've been wanting a BFP for 14 months now and the month after month of disappointment, that when I finally get to move forward it's like my body is saying, nah. Lets just not.

This is me mad and annoyed.

Dear Mom

Happy Birthday, Mom. I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since I last saw you, hugged you, talked to you. Trust me, that void is not lost on me. We used to talk daily. Every day on my way home from work, we'd spend a half hour chatting. My god I miss that. I think that's when it hits me most that you're gone, in the car. I've spent the last 2 days sobbing every time I drive to and from work or head out for lunch.

These past few years have flown by. That first year was the hardest. It was just so raw. I cried daily. I still think about you all the time, but I laugh and smile too. The tears aren't as frequent. At least until I get to days like this.

There's so much that I've wanted to tell you. The second year after I lost you Trevor finally proposed. You wanted that sooooo badly and I'm so glad that you loved him as much as I do. Know that he does take good care of me and I truly am a lucky girl to have him. He misses you too, ya know.

I was your only child. I know you always wanted more. Though now, I'm kinda glad I never had to share you. I got all of you. All your love, all the time. Did you know you had all of mine? It's a question I've asked myself often. You were so excited to one day become a grandmother. You were never a fan of kids. Not other peoples anyway, you liked me!! Thank goodness. And you had no doubt in your mind that you would love mine as well. You would have been your silly, crazy self and they would have loved you.

What I wish I could tell you know is the struggles that happened the third year after you left. The ectopic that came as such a surprise. It's what really made Trevor want to have children. He was so scared before I think, then it was a reality...and then it wasn't and he was game after that. The weeding was perfect. Just like you and I imagined. Only thing missing was you. We started trying right after the wedding. You would have laughed at my impatience, the fact that we always knew I didn't get that from you. My cycles were wonky, but three months later, BFP. I would have called you the second I found out. I know how thrilled you would have been. The struggles that came after with the spotting, I wanted you so bad to tell me that it was okay. Then when they scheduled the ultrasound on the anniversary of your death, I knew that there was no way that anything would be wrong with this pregnancy. The universe simply couldn't be that cruel. Or so I thought. You would have been heartbroken right there with me. Through the D&C's and the holiday's that were so hard for me last year.

We thought that after the IUD ectopic and the other quick pregnancy, surely it would happen again soon, and this time it would be fine. These past 9 months have not been what I expected and more than anything I've needed you. I sometimes feel the pain that this would have caused you though. I still remember the tears that you shed for my closest friend each time an IVF didn't work. I'll never forget how much it hurt you each time that you heard about her struggles. Maybe it's better that you don't know that I'm now going through the same thing. Would it hurt you too much? Does it make me selfish to wish you were here anyway? Cross your fingers, Mom. I need all the support I can get.

I went home this weekend. I remember why we both left. We don't fit it. We love them, and they love us, but we are most definitely different. Thank you for making me different. I so much like you that I can't decide if you'd laugh or cry. I only seem to get MORE like you every year. You'd love it. I do.

I hope somewhere you're drinking scotch over a desert sunset...most likely from a hammock.

Love you mom...always.

Still waiting...

I'm on cycle day 36 today. I'm 2 days past my last Provera and no AF in sight. This is the longest cycle I've had in a year and of course it's the one cycle that I want AF to show up more than anything. I just want to get started. If it's not one obstacle it's another.

I've been really down the past few days. Less about ttc, though that is always a part of it, more so, because I miss my mother. Going home to see my family (dad's side) only made that more obvious. While I love my dad and sisters, I feel out of place and isolated. I've never really fit in there. I think after these past few months what I've really wanted is to go to my mom, crawl in her lap and cry. I've got no one in my family that knows and understands or that I can even talk to about what's happening in my life right now and that makes me very, very sad.

Whether this is all so emotional right now because of my fertility issues or because tomorrow would have been my mom's 56th birthday, I don't know. Maybe both...most likely the latter. I think all of this has really shown me what an important part of my life she was and still is. I hope she knew that before she died.

I also have done an Ovarian Cancer walk/run every year since she died. This is the first year, that I just don't know if I can do it. It's in a few weeks and I haven't even tried to fundraise for it or put a team together. I think I just need to sit this year out.

I'll check back in when AF arrives. HOPEFULLY that's later this week and hopefully I'll be feeling a little more positive.

Thumb Twiddling

It's been a while since I've updated. Basically because there is nothing going on, nothing to report. I'm on CD 30 of my crap bust cycle. Dr. J said to call him on CD 35 to start Provera if AF hasn't shown by then. I think I'm still in a state of shock after ovulating every month this year, with Clomid and without, that this cycle has been so whacked out. I just want AF to show so I can move on to my IUI cycle!

So...since that's really all I've got as far as TTC, I guess I'll talk about my Labor Day holiday. I went to NYC with my closest friend. It was a whirlwind! We packed so much into 3 days that my body is exhausted and sore. Here's the breakdown of what we did:

Saturday:

Eataly (Mario Batali's restaurant) for lunch. This is a must go. Most amazing homemade pasta and gelato.

Times Square - Funny story, we went into the McDonald's there for a pop and I decided to get a small fry for a snack. He said, "No fries, NEXT!" What"!? How is it possible for a McDonalds, in Times Square, no less, to not have fries. Insane.

Broadway - We got day of (50% off) Broadway tickets to the show Once. It was amazing. One of my favorite things we did all weekend.

The Rock at Rockefeller - We went up to the observation deck, amazing views! Check out the new WTC building in the back ground!

We had dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant called Pure Food and Wine. It was great, but it did confirm that I do in fact LOVE cheese and meat and could never live with out it.

Sunday:

Cookshop in Chelsea for brunch - Seriously, they had a Bloody Mary menu. After a night of no meat, I obviously choose the Bacon Infused Vodka Bloody Mary! We ate beignets and grapefruit brulee. Wow.

We walked the High Line in Chelsea.

We took a architectural tour on a 1920's boat around Manhatten. Got some great pics and saw a lot of structures and parts of the skyline that we wouldn't have seen otherwise.

Shopped in SoHo!

Dinner at The Spotted Pig. If you are ever in NYC, I highly recommend. They had hands down the best deviled eggs I've ever put in my mouth!

Drinks at a mixology bar, Little Branch.

Monday:

We went to the 9/11 Memorial site. It's beautifully done. Such a tragic event in our history and it was a little surreal be there and trying to imagine that day and time.

St. Paul's Chapel on Wall Street a few blocks from the WTC site.

West Village Shopping!

Walked Central Park, barely...it's huge!

Madison Avenue Shopping complete with macaroons from Laduree.

Ended our trip with a Grays Papaya's Hot Dog!! Yum!!

I'm back to work today and I'm exhausted. I have to somehow regroup to head to North Carolina and see my family on Thursday. Hopefully by next week, we'll be starting the Femara and getting our cycle going...not to mention we'll be done traveling for a while!

So sorry for the long, potentially annoying post about my travels, but as of right now, it's all I've got. Hopefully the next few weeks brings lots more TTC chatter!!

Sex-on-Demand be gone!

First of all, my first RE appointment was everything I hoped it would be. Of course, we were running late due to road closures and one way streets and anything else that could pop up in the way, which just sent me into a frantic tizzy. T was driving like a maniac! We made it up there, and of course sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes and then we sat in the consultation room for another 20ish minutes. Seriously, I was shaking so bad. I couldn't believe that T was sitting there reading/laughing at the jokes in the Readers Digest! I couldn't concentrate on anything! I had all my papers in front of me. Questions, charts, spreadsheet, all of it. Then, in walks Dr. J.

This guy was awesome. T loved him. He just walked in, shook our hands, sat down and said "go". Oh great, put it all on me. I mean I was hoping to be lead a little before throwing out all my crazy info to him!! So I started at the beginning. We told him about being together for 11 years, but only married for a little over 1. We told him about the ectopic we experienced while on the Mirena IUD a few months before our wedding. His response to that was "wow, that's pretty hard to do", my response was yes, yet here we sit. I told him about waiting 3 months after the metrotrexate injection and a month after our wedding to begin ttc. About how my cycles were 40ish days (having to use Provera) and then ultimately being given Letrozole in October of last year, only to find out the cycle before I started that, I was pregnant. I told him about the spotting during my pregnancy, and then of course about the ultrasounds that showed only a sac. I then told him about the botched d&c that didn't remove the pregnancy that sent us on a wild goose chase at the ER over Thanksgiving weekend only to have another d&c only 5 days after the first. I told him it took 9 1/2 weeks for my next cycle to begin.

We told him about T's SA. How his count wasn't low, but were slightly less than average, still doctors all said more than enough to get pregnant. We told him about the mental "issues" that have come with baby dancing on a schedule. How difficult that's been for us (especially him) and the anxiety that has caused him (and me). His response? SEX ON DEMAND!! It's so completely normal. He told T, we're done with you. You're FINE! My heart just about overflowed with joy for T. I can't even tell you how stressed he's been about the performance issue.

I then told him about my last 7 cycles. They seemed more normal. As far as they were less than 30 days, but they had short LP's. I finally took my Letrozole and it was only a 23 day cycle so when my OB suggested Clomid, I jumped at it. (wince) I told him that the second I was prescribed the Clomid, I call his office and made my appointment, only to be told it would be 3 1/2 months away. So I did the Clomid. I struggled through 2 cycles of unmonitored Clomid. He was shocked my side effects, emotionally and hot flashes, weren't worse than they were. I told him of my concern for my lining and how I pushed so hard to finally be monitored that 3rd and final cycle. BTW, why doesn't my OB know that I'm too skinny for Clomid? I mean how can simple things like that be missed between 2 types of doctors that are so closely related?! Food for thought...moving on. He asked how I knew to be concerned. I told him, that I've learned the hard way through people I love, being in my shoes before me. I told him about the u/s that showed that my lining was indeed only 5mm last month, but my ovulations on Clomid were so strong. I told him about the HCG trigger, but the lining just never got there. Finally I told him about this cycle. How I had decided no meds, but that it seemed like nothing was happening. He asked how I wanted to start. I told him well, I really want to know what's going on right now...his response, well, lets go get an ultrasound. And we did.

And guess what? I was right. Absolutely NOTHING was going on with my ovaries. So glad I spent a week and a half peeing on OPK's 3x a day! Even worse, my lining didn't thicken. It was even more thin than last month. 4.5mm. Wow.

Back to the consultation room we went. Dr. J told us to consider this cycle a vacation. He ordered blood work. Prolactin and thyroid screen, I went this morning for my blood draw for that. I was given a prescription for Letrozole (Femara) that I will take on my next cd 2-6. After that, I'll begin FSH injections with an u/s on cd 10. A HCG trigger shot will then be given and after T makes his contribution, we'll do an IUI.

NO MORE SEX ON DEMAND (from here one out, better known as SOD!). We couldn't decide if we felt guilty or giddy over not making a baby the old fashion way. I can tell you with 100% certainty, the giddy definitely won over the guilty.

So Dr. J called me Miss Well-Informed multiple times. It was pretty funny, and even though he glanced at the BBT charts, I was happy that he did take interest in my spreadsheet!! He then told me, no more monitors, no more temping and no more OPK's. I no longer need them. He will already know all of this for me. Wowsers. My second huge sigh of relief of the day. I don't even know what it will feel like not to have to POAS or cup the majority of my cycle. I wonder how long it will take for my body to stop automatically waking up between 6 and 6:30 am for a temp/monitor reading. Yay. Yay. Yay.

I asked how many of each treatment will we do before moving on. He said only 2 and we'll take a month off in between. Because of my ectopic and past endometriosis, he normally would have done a laporoscopy before anything else. The fact that we got pregnant since, he's going to push that off. If after 2 IUI's we are not pregnant, we will go straight to the laporoscopy before moving on to the next treatment. Unfortunately he did throw out the, "because your 35" it will be a 20% chance. Whatev. I'm a super young 35!!

Holly Moses, it's a plan AND it's a detailed, well thought out plan that is out of my hands. I feel relieved. T & I are thinking about celebrating by having just plain old sex this weekend. No baby dancing, no doing the deed. In my doctor's words "if you're horny, have sex"!

Now that's a brilliant idea.

Lastly, I want to thank all my FRIENDS that follow me from BBC & Ovagraph for sending me your thoughts, encouragement, laughter and strength through your comments and emails. I don't know how'd I'd get through any of this without you all. There is most definitely a time for us to have our day, and I will hope and pray that it happens very soon for us all. I will be cheering you all on, just as hard as you have cheered me on. Lastly, thank you to JB, my one and only follower that knows me in "real" life. What else can I say but where in the world would I be without you. NYC...here we come.

August 23rd. My turn?

I fear that I've put so much into this day that I'll still be disappointed in the end. Maybe it's been all of the build up over the last 3 1/2 months. After all, that's the longest I've ever had to wait to get in to a doctor before. Month after month I hoped that I'd be able to cancel today's appointment. Month after month, I didn't. Now as I sit here, 6 hours to go until I meet the man that I hope more than anything will give us the one thing that we don't have, but want more than anything. I'm full of emotions. I'm nervous, anxious, and scared. I'm frightened of the why's. I'm anxious to start treatment, any treatment and I'm nervous that even after all of the waiting, this too, won't work, or maybe it will, and then I'll move on to a whole other set of worries.

I think I'm set. I've gone over and over my paperwork. It seems it's all complete. There are no more blanks, nothing more I can add. I've printed 8 months of charts. I've even created a spreadsheet that's more of a snap shot of my cycles and meds that I've done. I also included everything that happened in my pregnancy last fall. The HCG numbers each week, the d&c(s), and how long it took for the numbers to go down. It's all there. I've even got a sheet full of questions that I know I'll be too nervous to ask. But I'll have them there in front of me, just in case. T is going with me. Thank goodness. (and yes, I even have his SA analysis in my little packet of goodies)

Still no ovulation this month. It's strange. In all the months since my d&c, I've ovulated. The latest day I've ever ovulated was cd 17 in these 8 months. Most often on cd 14ish. Now, I'm cd 18. My hope is that he'll do an ultrasound to confirm, deny, or verify what's going on. My opk's barely even show a hint of a line.

I'm sure I'll post later after my appointment, once I've wrapped my head around everything that I'm told. For now, I'm going to try my best to get through these next 6 hours...

Cycle bust or just all over the place?

Either way, it's driving me to bitchy-ness. I'm now on cd 15 and my opk's are not evening nearing the positive stage. This is crazy. I don't know why I thought getting off the clomid wouldn't really change my cycle all that much, but obviously I was mistaken. It's getting a little annoying. T and I just continue the every other day thing hoping that if it sneaks up on us, we're covered. So anxious for my appointment on Thursday. It's consuming way to much of my thoughts right now. Would love him to do an ultrasound to see what's going on this cycle, here's hoping!

Our weekend for the most part was very relaxing and enjoyable. I even spent Saturday with a close friend that is nearing 8 months pregnant and I was totally fine. I think she's just to sweet to resent. That evening, we went out with friends of ours, 7 couples in all. T and I are the only ones without kids. All of them with 2-3. So the ladies conversations revolved around what it was like to get pregnant, give birth, be a stay-at-home-mom, and even how many women there are out there that can't get pregnant. Seriously sat their flabbergasted that I was stuck listening to all of this. My pregnant friend felt awful for me. One of the worst parts were 2 other ladies even know about our struggles and miscarriage and were big contributors to the conversation! Did they not realize I was sitting right next to them, being super quiet?! Apparently not. It even got worse. One of the gals talked about how she was supposed to get AF the following day and she had spotting once on Friday and that was it and considering how "drunk" she was feeling, she's thinking she's probably preggers with #3. Oh, and did I mention it was their first month trying? I've never been so ready to get out of a place than that night.

Well, guess I'll continue for the 8th straight day to pee in a cup 3 times a day for my opk's. Seems like this is going to be a pricey month in that regard...

And just so everyone can really understand my frame of mind, this is my afternoon snack. Please note, I'm not a fan of chocolate, but these spicy habenero truffles are crazy good! Check out the little design on them!

3 more days...

Longest 1ww ever

In mid-May, around the time I was starting my first Clomid cycle, I decided that I didn't want to go through months upon months of fertility meds with my OBGYN who really didn't do much monitoring along with the meds.  I was pretty shocked at the 3 1/2 month wait to get an initial appointment! At the time, I was thinking, that's okay, I'll have 3 months on Clomid and in my head, I really thought I'd end up canceling the appointment way before August 23rd and if I didn't, I've have already given the Clomid a go, ready to move on to something else.

One week from today, I meet with the best my city has to offer in Reproductive Endocrinology. From what I've heard he leaves no stone unturned and doesn't dilly dally around. Exactly what I need and what I've been counting down the days all summer for. I can't believe that I can finally say my appointment is "next week". 

I know that just because my appointment is 'round the corner, that doesn't mean that I'll be pregnant next month. I think it's more the piece of mind that we'll have some help. Someone trying as hard as we are to make a baby happen for us. They'll be tests/procedures to go through first and who knows what will work for us, whether it's Femara, IUI, injectibles or IVF. As of right now, I'm going in to this, believing that something will work. This journey has not been easy. It's not been on my preferred time frame. I'm bummed that 3 cycles were wasted with a thin lining. I wish that my doctor would have monitored me earlier. But I'm armed with information and I know more about my body than I think I ever have or ever thought I would know. So doc...get ready for me!!! 

This weekend we are heading to Kansas City to visit family. Actually, we leave this afternoon. (well, if the line of storms rolling threw don't derail that plan and delay our flight) Trevor had a chat with his Dad, letting him know that while we're very happy for his step-sister (we found out she was pregnant last week), we are struggling. His Dad completely understood, and I think a little sensitivity will be given. I was unsure about opening up, but I believe that it's better for them to understand our feelings than for anyone to feel slighted. Hopefully, this will make for a nice family weekend all around! 

As far as my cycle goes, we're heading into my fertile window. Currently I'm CD 11. Temps have been remaining steady (since I started taking them again, so that I can confirm ovulation) but I'm still not using the monitor. I started my OPK's and so far, BFN. We're thinking we'll be getting busy under his Dad's roof...exciting, HA! We've already started the EOD thing. We'll start ED once I get a positive OPK. This will be my first month of not doing a P4 test (well at least with my OB) but I think that's fine. Every month, even before the Clomid, ovulation was confirmed. I've also had a little more CM this cycle, and since I'm typically at zilch, I have to wonder if it's the lack of Clomid, the estrogen supplements I've taken this first part of this cycle or a combination of both! Either way, I hope that means my lining is fattening back up! 

Who knows, maybe I can go in, meet this doc, and in the next few weeks, he can tell me you're preggers, go home! Wishful thinking, but hey, it could happen.