Sunday, March 23, 2014

Mock Cycle Verdict

I wasn't sure what CCRM would decide to do when they received the results on Friday. I assumed they would cancel, let me get my period and start over…

When my nurse called, and what was nice was she wasn't rushing to tell me the results and get off the phone, she talked with me for a bit. She complimented on how patient I've been for so long.

Dr. G wants me to still do the Integrin Biopsy this cycle. So on Wednesday, I'll begin progesterone and on April 4th, I'll have my OBGYN do the biopsy so that I can send that off to see if I will need Lupron Depot for two months. Once CCRM has those results, I will then schedule a regroup with Dr. G to discuss my "two" options:

1) Use a gestational carrier

2) Go forward with an FET knowing my chances of pregnancy are low

T and I had a long talk on Friday night about these options and the options we thought we'd have. We assumed there would be another mock cycle. This cycle, while an improvement on lining thickness (somewhat) was still not successful for multiple reasons. The lining throughout the cycle was homogeneous and cystic. I would never do a transfer with a lining like this, thinness aside.

I have 6 embryos. While maybe that's plenty for some people…it doesn't feel like it to me. There's no going back for more for me. So I have a deep feeling and need to make sure all scenarios are right in order to go to transfer. They are all I have. Maybe there is a low chance that they could implant. But how do I risk that, knowing if it doesn't work, I have even less to offer a gestational carrier…and what if it takes a transfer or two to get that right? We would be out. Done. I also know they would require that we use the best…first. So would we really be willing to risk the best on me?

Not with a lining that looked like this.

I want to share my embryo grade again with all of you. I know some of you know based on IVF cycles and transfers in the past, what these grades mean, more than I do. These were all frozen on day 5:

2/3 (I really don't understand this one)

This is what I have. All I have. I know the 4AA is the best…but what's the difference in that and the 3AA? And the real question is….how do I turn one of them into my baby? Will I care once he or she is in my arms, how they got there? Will the need to carry a pregnancy follow me forever? What would you do with these embryo grades with the odds that I have stacked against you?

I'll rewind for a second. I emailed Dr. G on Friday night about an option 3. Another protocol. I cannot possibly go into an FET on the protocol I was just on. Can we do another mock? Another protocol during the FET without testing it first? I know we have our regroup coming up and I will be able to ask all of these questions, but in the mean time, between now and then, I needed to know that another option is…or isn't on the table. It is. he is willing to do the low-dose stim protocol (Letrozole/Gonal-F). We would also most likely be moving to Delestrogen as well, if we were to use estrogen again. The patches…the Estrace…I'm saying good bye. (well, in about 2 weeks when this cycle is over, I'll officially say goodbye)

So our three options (really only two, because I'm taking out an FET on my current protocol). I still don't know if the next cycle would be a mock, or a real cycle. I think I need to wait and see what the biopsy shows and whether or not I'll need to go on the Lupron Depot.

However, should we decide to go into an FET, I will be going into it very skeptical and ready to cancel in a heart beat. I am too nervous about transferring with little to no shot of it working. Because the reality is…I just want a baby. And if I need someone else to carry it for me…I need all the embryos I can, to make that happen. So yes, moving straight to a GC…has come up. Because the option in the back of my head is…what if we move forward with the GC, could have a baby(ies) in a year, then with the other embryos I had left, would be more comfortable transferring them into my broken uterus?

Am I ready to give up my genetic connection to my child and the ability to carry them? I'm all over the place. What would you do?

Friday, March 21, 2014

Another Quickie

I'll have a longer post this weekend after I've spoken with CCRM, but I didn't want anyone in any suspense waiting for some great lining post today. Sadly, that's not the case.

My lining was 4.37mm. So down quite a bit. I can't say I was surprised. I spent most of this week in bed with a very nasty sinus infection, which I'm sure didn't exactly help my blood flow.

The speeding ticket after leaving the clinic…was just the icing on the cake. Jerk.

I'm okay. I have great friends in all of you that have helped me through every step of this. So many texts and emails of well wishes and even a really special phone call. You guys get me through.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Going and Going and Going

I'm still at it.

My ultrasound today was a bit of a bummer. I'm still sitting at 5.7mm. There's been no change. I did worry that they would call the cycle off, but they haven't. I'm continuing on my meds and rechecking (again) on Friday.

I wish I could write more, but I'm not feeling well. I did want to at least update you all.

Thank you for all your sweet comments and support.


Friday, March 14, 2014

Well Thanks For Remembering Me, CCRM

After my post I sent (a rather nice, considering) email to my nurse. I listed out my questions and said, hopefully we'd speak today (Friday).

By noon, I had also left a message this morning around 11 am, because I couldn't stand it anymore. My nurse finally emailed me around noon, that she was still waiting on Dr. Brown to respond. Why in the world would it take a doctor over 24 hours to get back to a patient? That seems crazy to me. Thank goodness this wasn't an actual FET cycle!

She finally called me around 3 pm today and said that I was to continue my meds through the weekend and have a follow-up ultrasound and blood work on Monday. She said missing one day of Viagra shouldn't be a big deal. I'm blaming her if my lining doesn't thicken. It's officially all her fault because I missed a day of my Viagra. :-)

I'm also starting Synthroid because of the elevated TSH level. They plan on rechecking my level in a month.

That's it for now.

Dr. G is back on Monday and he's officially not allowed to go on anymore vacations!!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Hello? Anyone There?

I didn't sleep last night. When I did, I dreamed of linings measuring 9.99. My stomach was all kinds of topsy turvy this morning. I really meant to post this update much earlier. I'm not happy about why it's so late…more on that in a bit.

I arrived at my clinic, they did blood draws first, then got me in the ultrasound room. I've always been able to tell on my own how thin my lining was, this time, it still looked really thin to me and I wasn't feeling talkative, so I didn't say anything while she was "looking around". I just felt numb. If it was still 3 something…this is never going to work. I just know it.

When she finished up, I asked about the measurement. She said it was...


As we all know, that's a terrible lining. It's got a very low chance for pregnancy. So, my news isn't great. But…if I look for the silver lining, it's an improvement.

With linings between 2mm - 3.8mm over the past 8 months, I've almost doubled that.

CCRM set a very low bar for me to achieve. He wanted it to get close to 6mm to move on from the mock cycle. I'm close to that.

What this means is…while I'm not exactly doing back flips right now…I'm not out of the game yet either.

I heard from my CCRM nurse early this afternoon. She seemed happy that I was responding, but did mention continuing for another week on the meds. My doctor is currently on vacation and she was consulting with one of the other doctors and would be calling me back with next steps.

She had also had me run some routine lab work that had expired. TSH, Vitamin D and CBC. These are all tests that I've always had normal results. Of course, until today. My TSH is 4.78. I've not looked into this, so I'm welcoming input for any of you lovely ladies. She was also going to speak with the doctor about this new development.

The last thing she said was that my uterus was starting to look "cystic". Again. This was new for me. I haven't ever heard of the uterus looking cystic. Ovaries maybe, but not the uterus. So I have no idea what this means. Was hoping for more on our follow up call.


I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty annoyed (pissed) right now. I have no idea if I'm supposed to continue my meds tomorrow or not. I'm officially out of my Viagra as of today (I even told her this today) and thought she was going to order more, and nope. Not a phone call. Not an email from them. Nothing. I. Am. Livid. How can they just leave me hanging not knowing what to do?

I was waiting on that call to update my blog so I would have all the information. So…I'll have to update tomorrow after I hear from them, because as of right now. I'm clueless. (and did I mention pissed?)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Update Before the Update

I know I've kind of left things hanging a bit since my last post at the start of my mock cycle. I will most definitely be posting the results of my lining check on Thursday. But I've had so many sweet texts, emails and comments, wishing me well, that I wanted to do a quick update now. Just so you know, all of you wonderful women are my life-line through all of this. Your caring words and prayers and the fact that you simply think of me so often, means so much.

The medications haven't been bad. The first several days I had some pretty nasty headaches, but my body has since acclimated, and I'm feeling much better. My boobs on the other hand, HURT! But hey, that kind of goes with the territory with this much estrogen pumping through my body. And if anyone is wondering…Viagra suppositories FOUR times a day…is really gross. And messy. And gross.

They checked my E2 levels last Wednesday and they were 1634. That was after one week on the Estrace and Vivelle patches. The nurse said it needed to be over 50. Well mission accomplished. That wasn't something I was concerned about, since my last mock cycle my E2 reached over 3400. What I have been reading is those very high levels can sometimes saturate the lining. So of course, I'm concerned about that, among other things.

Thursday morning, my appointment is at 7:30 am. At 9:00 am, I have to pick up my Dad and Step-mom at the airport for a weekend visit. I am not very open about my fertility journey with them. So I'll have a very short window in which I can recover if this goes badly. So hopefully, I can get some good news and can enjoy our weekend. Even though another mock cycle is possible, I can't help but think, if my lining is still around 3mm, that's going to be a bit of foreshadowing, how how my journey will end.

I'm doing my best to stay positive. I've been doing my Fertility Yoga (thank you, Danielle) and acupuncture 2 times per week. I've done castor oil packs almost nightly since my period ended. Btw, my period was very heavy last week. I would consider that a good thing, but since my lining had been so thin, I'm not sure where it's coming from. I'm at a loss for words on that one. I've also been drinking pomegranate juice, eating brazil nuts and taking little walks. I already don't drink caffeine other than the occasional iced tea, but I cut those out completely. I've had one glass of wine per week, just to keep a little sanity.

Back to the brazil nuts. I have no idea if this little ritual works. I'm at a point that I will try and do anything to help my little lining along. Let me tell you why I'm singling out these nuts. I HATE nuts. All nuts. With a passion. I don't like them in anything. Seeds, nuts, pecans, even the kernel in popcorn…yep, that's a nut to me, so I even hate popcorn. It sends people into a tizzy trying to understand this very odd palate of mine. (I also dislike dark soda, chocolate, deli meat and coffee) I realize, I should just leave America now, because I'm obviously from a different world. So these nuts…have been lets say, challenging for me. They make me gag, and even typing out this paragraph and thinking of them, is making my stomach turn. So, it's my big sacrifice for all of this. And that's your fun fact about me for the week. :)

Here's a few pics summing up the past two weeks:

Vivelle Patches suck…my poor tummy looks like a battle field.

I've been trying it all…including legs up the wall pose every night when I get home from work. (thanks to Amanda for the comfy jammie pants)

Which means, every night, my sweet Sidney, joins me on the floor.

And finally…this guy. Who reminds me every day by his love, support and pure awesomeness, that as John Legend says…

"Even though I'm losing…I'm winning"