Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Aftermath and Regroup

Last week was probably one of the lowest moments of the last three years.

I want to apologize for not responding to all of your comments. I read each and every one (out loud even to my husband) and cherished them more than you will ever know. It amazes me still, that I am part of a community of women that support each other so fiercly, even though many of us have never met face to face, and share such love and kindness in moments of joy and despair.

We may all have different roads, but we are on the same journey and no one and I mean no one, understands any of this the way we do. Infertility is an awful disease. But because of it, I have so many of you in my life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

One of these days we should all have a great, big infertile "play date" reunion. Wouldn't that be amazing? Imagine the tears and laughs we could share. I dare to dream.

Last week was difficult to even get out of bed. Shower. Even move. But I did. Kind of. T was out of town last week, which was hard on us both. I think the news of the negative beta effected him harder than anything we've been through to date. That, my friends…was the worst and broke my heart. He's always been so strong and so supportive, but to see him grieve and struggle with what this meant for us, was torture. He was so sure, so confident that it was going to work.

Last Thursday was our anniversary and he flew back in town that morning. Neither of us went to work and took the day off just to be together. We had lunch, had our wedding bands engraved (each with a little something that we say to each other) had a couples massage, shopped and ended the night with a fantastic dinner and MUCH needed bottle of wine.

It was not a sad day. I've never felt more loved and more connected to my husband than I did on that day. We have not been blessed with a child yet, but I most certainly was blessed with love from one hell of a good guy.

We spent the weekend in Gatlinburg, Tennessee for a friends wedding. We drove, so it was actually a nice little road trip for the two of us. We talked a lot about what to do and where to go from here…

Yesterday we had our regroup with Dr. G. I won't lie. This was a really tough phone call. Mostly, because he gave us two options and I was only expecting one.

We discussed my failed cycle, my questions regarding the protocol and changes from the protocol. (i.e.. not doing the Neupogen Uterine Wash) All his responses made sense. Basically he was afraid that it was too late to do the wash because if my progesterone would have risen due to being on the stims for longer, then the whole cycle would have been cancelled. I get it, but at the same time, I went into this cycle hoping for an "all guns blazing" and it never really felt like it quite got there.

He said everything had looked good (despite the thin lining), even better than it ever had for me in the past year, so he was very disappointed as well that it hadn't worked.

He then offered to do another cycle. Transferring one or two embryos and planning on doing the uterine wash earlier. This was what I was not expecting. I had trouble even getting the words out and my husband had to finish for me.

We declined.

We have 5 beautiful embryos. I just can't waste them on me. Not now. Does that mean if we are able to have a successful pregnancy with a gestational carrier that I won't try again with my uterus with any embryos we have remaining? Absolutely I would. But right now? I just can't. And that was very, very difficult to walk away from.

Dr. G confirmed that the fastest, most successful way for us to have a baby, is through a carrier. Today I received all the gestational carrier information from CCRM on what our next steps need to be.

So here we are. Looking forward, not backwards.

Now I'm off to catch up on all the blog happenings I've missed this past week! xoxoxo

Monday, June 9, 2014

I'm only human...

I can take so much, before I've had enough…
but I'm only human
and I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human...
and I crash and I break down

It didn't work. 

We knew it was a long shot. But we had hoped that after all that it's taken for us to get to this moment, maybe this once the odds would land on our side. 

They didn't.

I started testing last week, and I knew. So many people try and say that they implant later with FET's…or you have to wait till your beta. Some people even said don't analyze the symptoms, but I never had any to analyze. I know that it's because everyone wants this for us, so they hang on to every little shred of hope. I'd by lying if I didn't wake up every morning these past few days, hoping they were right. 

They weren't.

Words keep going through my head that I can't seem to shake. It's words that have haunted me for years. Words that for some reason, I've always feared.

I cannot have children. 

I can't make a baby. I don't have enough eggs. I can't carry a baby. I have a broken womb. 

I cannot have children. 

Here I am, one month shy of my 37th birthday. The year that our "fertility takes a nose dive"…but my fertility left me a long time ago. Now it's time to face that, and what it means.

I won't lie and say that I'm okay. I'm really not. I've cried in the middle of a parking lot at a mall. I cried driving down the road. I've cried on my couch and while curled up in bed. I've cried on my husband's shoulder. Right now, my heart is broken because what I want most in this world is to complete my family with T…and no doctor, no specialist, no matter where we go or who we see, is going to fix me

CCRM has worked miracles for many couples with some of the toughest cases…but I'm not going to be one of them.

I cannot have children.

Yesterday I went to see "The Fault In Our Stars". I read the book, so I realized what I was doing when I decided to go see this movie (by myself). And yes…I pretty much cried for the entire two hour film. Some because of the movie, and some for me…

There is a quote in the movie that hit me: 

"Apparently the world is not a wish making factory"

No, Augustus Waters, it is not.

My infertility journey is coming to an end. There is nothing more that can be done for me. Or that I will allow. I cannot risk wasting another embryo on my body. We have to move on. There are only five left.

So this week we'll begin to look for our gestational carrier. Whoever she is, hopefully she makes all our dreams come true. I can only imagine what a special person she will be.

I'll be thinking about how my child will not have my eyes, or my mother's smile. How I'll never be the one to bring him or her into this world. 

We'll be grieving for the embryo that we lost. Our best. And he or she is gone because I couldn't provide a healthy place for it. 

On Thursday, we will celebrate our wedding anniversary. 3 years. I wish I could say it's been nothing but bliss. Infertility has kept a dark cloud hovering over our entire marriage. What it has been filled with is love. And support. Holding each other up, when we needed it most. Making each other laugh, even when we'd rather cry. 

He's my everything. Can you tell? 

We'll get through this.

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it
But I'm only human

Monday, June 2, 2014

It Was Finally Our Day

We're back home!!

I have to say…leaving was very emotional for me. So many wonderful things happened while we were in Colorado, that it was very hard to say goodbye.

My post last week recapped all the medical drama with ultrasounds, meds and fluid. This post, I'd like to recap all the great moments we had.

On Memorial Day, we took a day trip with our friends and family to the zoo in Colorado Springs.

Not sure this needs anymore explanation!! 

I also received this beautiful bouquet of flowers from my sweet friend, Amanda. Those of you who follow her blog, know her kindness and love is an inspiration. I especially loved that since we weren't staying at a hotel, she took a little extra initiative and conspired with my husband to make sure these got to me. Love her. Love her. Love her. They were beautiful right up until the day we came home.

One evening we were able to spend with some friends that I grew up with. We realized that we had known each other for 30 years!! These wonderful people were dear, dear friends of my mothers and it meant so much to be able to see them. It's such a lovely experience to be able to still have contact with people that were such an important part of your life when you were a child and to have them give such warmth and well wishes during a time when I needed it most. 

T's brother and his wife moved to Denver recently and we were able to see them most every day that we were in town. They're building a great life there and we're so happy for them. Reminds us how much we wish we lived closer to one another. They got up extra early on Friday to have a special "pre-transfer" breakfast with us. I could never thank them enough for being so supportive and loving to us during this time. 

I also was able to spend some quality time with my sister-in-law. We see each other over holidays, but it's not often that her and I get to really enjoy some good girl time together. We enjoyed long walks, mani/pedi's, shopping, talking and well, eating. I know how busy she is and was so grateful that she made us (ME) such a priority last week. I hope she knows how much I love her and how happy I am to call her a sister. 

We were in Denver for a solid 10 days. That's a long time away from home. It's also a long time to stay in a hotel room, especially when we're dealing with trying to work while in Colorado and being on bed rest and the cost of that kind of extended stay, etc. When we told our close friends that we'd be out there, there was no hesitation. Obviously, we'd stay with them. They're generosity and kindness to us during this time still overwhelms me. They have 3 children that are in their last few weeks of school, yet they welcomed us into their home, allowed us to disrupted their lives and routines and made us feel as comfortable as we would have been in our own home. There are no words for how thankful I am to have them as friends. People like this are rare these days. And not only them, but their children as well. Children that were so concerned about how much I "moved" while on bed rest and just curled up by my side for two days. These children melted my heart.  It's only been a day and I miss them so much. 

Finally my husband…what would I do without him? He's so kind, caring and best of all…he loves me to the moon (and back about a gazillion times). 

Hope he realizes that as much as he loves me, I love him about triple that. 

As I said before, the doctor said that the transfer went beautifully. Our 4AA thawed like a champ and if a miracle is possible, could be OUR baby. There's nothing I want more. Even with our low odds, I cling to hope that this is possible. 

Here's a few more pics documenting transfer day...


I even wore my mom's bracelet and ring all week for good luck. 

I tend to have a lot of anxiety. To the point that I sometimes have panic attacks or "nervous tummy syndrome"…as my bestie's daughter would say, "tummy pooptitis". Never fails. Important phones calls, doctors visits, ultrasounds, everything sends me into a nervous tizzy. 

Last week in what should have been my most nerve-wracking moments of my 3-year-trying-to-conceive history, I was the most relaxed and calm I've ever been. I credit all of the people above for giving me that wonderful gift. If anything, I was very emotional during the have finally made it to that moment.

Our beta is scheduled for next Monday (6/9). I know that the trigger shot is still in my system, so at this point, I'm unsure if I'll try and test that out, or if I'll wait it out till Monday. 


But we finally had our day, our moment…in one week, we'll see what comes of it...