Monday, December 31, 2012

Saying goodbye to 2012

Last year on NYE I was waiting for my HCG to drop to 0. We toasted to 2012 being our year. Since we had conceived after only 3 months of TTC, we had no doubt that the next time, it would be right, it would happen. 2012. It was supposed to happen.

That wasn't the case. 2012 will go down as one of the hardest years I've ever endured rivaling only the 2008 when I watched my mother battle her illness and ultimately lose her battle in a matter of months.

At the same time, I struggle with being so down about 2012. After all, it was my second year of marriage to my love. My life with T is amazing and I'm beyond lucky. To say it's the worst year ever, discredits my life with him.

Month after month, I actually thought that a pregnancy could happen. I was so hopeful, so optimistic. Even as I made the decision to see an RE and move forward in our journey, our new doctor encouraged us. I believed his decisions and his judgement. I trusted him when he said I didn't need certain tests because of my response to meds. I trusted his decision to only do IUI's and meds every other month rather than charging forward more aggressively.

I've become bitter, angry, sad and unhappy. I was a pain in the ass over Christmas. My husband is so supportive and bends over backwards for me but I can't seem to let a second of the day not revolve around our fertility struggles. He wants more than anything for me to be happy. He continues to tell me that no matter what, it's going to work out. Whether we get pregnant with our eggs, donor eggs, choose to adopt or make the decision not to have children. He said our life...will work out. Why can't I believe that? I don't know how to get to the point of acceptance.

My doctor still hasn't called me. Other than the nurse telling me almost 2 weeks ago that my AMH was >.16 all I've had on medical advise was thanks to the internet. I have no idea what this journey holds for us and unfortunately it's not moving at a fast pace either. My temp has started to drop and my next cycle will start most likely tomorrow. Which means, with my doctor still out and not expected back until next Monday, I will be sitting out another cycle. My surgery is scheduled for February 1st (if that is even still happening) which means, another cycle gone. I have high FSH and very low AMH, yet no one but me is worried or in a hurry to get me pregnant with my eggs. I'm 35 years old. I just can't comprehend that I don't have any eggs left.

So the moral of 2012? It wasn't meant to be our year. It was even meant to be better than 2011. I chose the wrong RE and that has cost me months of precious time. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully make a few better decisions to see what 2013 can bring.

Can it get worse? If this isn't rock bottom, then my heart may not be able to handle it.

Much love and please have a happy and safe New Years.


Sunday, December 23, 2012

2nd Opinion

Several things have happened since my short little post last week.

Might as well start with the most important. I'm now in Florida. I went from frigid, wintery blah-ness, to 70 degrees and sunshine. Boy was that needed. Nothing worse for an already sad mood, than cold, grey weather. We'll be here until next Friday. The only thing that would make this week better, is if it were just T and I. Unfortunately, his family is too. (Don't tell him I said that) They're great. I love his mom, but the aren't always the easiest to be around, especially during already trying times.

The next is my current RE never called. I only received my AMH levels because I called the nurse. I understand that he was having surgery last Monday, but he still said that he would call later in the week. Now the nurse is saying he'll call me when he's back after January 7th. With the whole test fiasco (that I didn't need--ha!) you would have thought they would have been falling over themselves. Obviously they aren't, since they're completely content to let me sit and stew with my crap >.16 for another 2 weeks with now explanation or plan. I went to him because he was supposed to be the best in my area. Right now, I'm wondering, exactly what makes him the "best". The only person I personally know that has a baby with his help, was done by DE and he made the exact same mistake with her as he did me. A little fact my husband pointed out when he asked "who do we know that had success with him". Unfortunately, I don't live in a city with a lot of options. I'm sure he's a very good doctor. But, seems like he's a little more into stats than really trying to give ALL his giving his patients a baby.

Which leads me to my next bit of news. T is in Chicago in mid January for work. So, paid hotel for a week. I had planned on joining him over the MLK weekend, since I have that Monday off. Did a little research on doctors that specialize in high FSH and came across the Fertility Clinic of Illinois. I called them on Friday and I had the most pleasant experience I've had to date (since MAY!) with an RE. How sad is that!? That really should say a lot. So I have an appointment for a second opinion on January 21st. Not to say that I'm going to necessarily leave my doctor. He certainly has the next few weeks to come back and surprise me. I hope that he does, because while I'm more than willing to travel to Chicago (3 hour drive) it certainly would be easier here in town.

I know that this doctor could tell me the same thing, you need to move to donor eggs. I'm prepared for  that, if that's what we need to do, but I need to know for sure. I need to know that I've tried what I can and everything that makes sense to have a biological child between my husband and myself. I certainly am not going to throw a ton of money at something that has little chance at working.

It's been a lot of very emotional moments the past week and a half. From full on heaving sobs to just sitting and staring into space, to a few really sweet moments with my hubby that I am able to smile. I know I'm just grieving and these are all stages of that. It's just hard.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Results are in...

The FSH of 15.5 was no joke. My AMH confirms my eggs are either crap or there aren't many of them, or both. It was less than .16.

My doctor is still on medical leave since he had a knee replacement on Monday so I've not heard from him. The nurse said very little other than the number kind of reflects the high FSH number and I'd hear from the doctor probably after the holidays.

I have no idea where he'll want to go from here. I have no idea what my options are. I'm just trying to get through my last day of work for the year so that I can take a much needed mental break.

I'll update more when I can, for now, I'm just a little numb.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bowling Alley Meltdown

Well, the internet was not my friend late last week. I spent way to much time and energy looking up FSH levels, IVF outcomes and donor egg information. Basically if my AMH level comes back low, then I may have trouble getting an RE (at least without going out of town) to do IVF with my own eggs.

I worked all day Thursday and Friday, and we had plans Thursday night. By Friday on my way home from work, I was pretty frazzled. When T got home, I collapsed in a puddle of sobs. He really wanted to meet some friends to go bowling that evening and  I wasn't sure it was a good idea. First of all, I felt sick, like I was coming down with a cold. I knew I also was in a rather "fragile" state. Regardless, I was determined to try and have a good evening out because I know he's been so supportive and we really haven't been doing much lately, mostly because of me. We ate dinner at home, then I got ready and we headed out. We got there early and put our name in. After getting drinks we sat there close to the lanes and the tears started to flow.

Good heavens, did they flow. I finally had to find a corner in the food area that I could face a wall, so no one would see the fact that I was full on sobbing again.

What happened next? Oh, we left. T called our friends, said it wasn't a good night and we went home. I felt awful, but T was awesome. I think I have held everything in the past several days that on Friday night my grief over the possibility that I may not have, at least a biological child of my own, kind of took over. Of course T said we don't even have the tests results yet. I need to relax until we know more. He also said that we would find a doctor wherever that takes us, that specializes in high FSH women to at least TRY with my eggs first.

Saturday and today have been much better. I've still had moments of being a little down, I still feel like I have a cold, but I was able to enjoy Christmas shopping and a little date night with my hubbers. Today's been the perfect Sunday couch day.

I don't know what the results will bring this week, but as my husband said, today is not the day to grieve.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12-12-12 is not a good day

I know I posted on Monday that I was waiting on my surgery to be scheduled and that bloody FSH test that I've been begging for seriously 4 solid cycles. I found out my surgery date yesterday but then was like, "I'll just wait till I get the results of the test so I have a decent update".

Well fuck me. I have an update.

Yesterday I found out the soonest I could get into surgery was February 1st. I was pretty bummed about this because that seems really far away. The nurse said RE was on vacation starting Dec 17 until Jan 7. So really, I guess if he only does one surgery day a week, that's only 4 surgery days away. Not preferable, but what am I gonna do? So I booked a trip to LA for a long weekend and scheduled a weekend in Chicago the weekend after. (T's on production in both cities during those times)

Well then today happened. I might mention that I've only actually met or spoken with my RE twice. Nurses do the monitoring appointments and my IUI's. Nurses also are the ones that call me with results and to answer questions. I know he is behind the scenes making all the decisions, but all in all, I've met with him twice. This morning, he called me personally. My heart dropped, because I knew this couldn't be good.

1) He was going to tell me that I was ridiculous for asking for an FSH when he kept telling me that I didn't need it.


2) My results were bad.

Guess what folks. It's option 2. My FSH level was 15.5. They want it to be less than 10, but anything over 15, is not good. His response on the phone was first to ask me if I came in on cycle day 3. Why yes, yes I did. His next response was actually shock. He said he doesn't want to believe it. My responses to meds have been great and on very low doses of Letrozole/Gonal F. He asked how soon I could come in to get and AFC and AMH. I said anytime you want me, I can be there. I also asked him what that meant. He said IF the results were accurate, it would not be a good prognosis and I would have a low chance of getting pregnant with out donor eggs. But...again, he said he doesn't believe so neither should I...yet.

I called T and he cancelled meetings to be with me at the appointment. (I've mentioned before how awesome he is, right?!) I was pretty upset at work (and again when I saw T), one of the owners now know we're having fertility issues, because of a little breakdown when I told him I wouldn't be back this afternoon. Sheesh.

So list of questions in hand, we head to the RE's office. He first did an ultrasound to check AFC. He loved my left ovary. Apparently he counted 5 follicles on that side. My right wasn't as good as the left, but he said there was some "noise" going on. That made him feel better. Especially combined with the fact that on Clomid, I responded well. On Femara, I responded well. On Femara/Gonal F, I responded well. And now with no meds at all, my body is still producing. So that's good.

So now it all comes down to the AMH and of course, it takes a week to get those results. I also found out my RE isn't really on "vacation" for the next 3 weeks. He's having knee replacement surgery. So even though the results should be in by next Tuesday, it will most likely be Wednesday when I hear from him. Who wants a drugged up doctor reading test results?! Agreed. I can wait one day.

So where do we go from here?! Well I can't say that for sure until next week. Though I do know that either way, we will be turning up the aggressiveness of our protocol either a little or a lot depending on the AMH result. Surgery is also in question depending on that result. My guess is IVF. Guess I'll have a pretty big update next week.

Merry Christmas to us, eh?

Thank you to my friends and my husband for making me feel loved today. Trust me, I know how lucky I am, even through all of this.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Cycle Day 2

Lets get some stats out of the way. This month will be my 15th cycle trying to conceive and my 12th cycle since my miscarriage. Ugh.

My BFN was confirmed with spotting on Saturday and full AF on Sunday. I spoke with my nurse today and I finally talked them into doing cycle day 3 blood work (FSH) tomorrow. I've been asking for this since August. I think they are finally doing it for my peace of mind and less because they think it's necessary. I certainly hope the results show that they are right. 

I was hoping to update after I had more information on my surgery. Their scheduler was supposed to call me today but didn't. I actually would like to go ahead and get the surgery this year. My deductible has been met, my job is crazy in January and T is out of town for the majority of January. My guess is, they will not be able to get me in by the end of next week, and I'll have to figure out surgery while T is out of town. Boo. Really hinders my would be pampering if he's not around. Guess I'll know for sure tomorrow when they call me. Guess at least if it is in January, I'll meet my deductible early on for 2013. If surgery doesn't happen in the next week, I guess we'll be trying on our own with no meds this month.

This weekend was pretty emotional. One, knowing that I had to go to my company Christmas party with lots of pregnant ladies. Exactly what I was looking forward to. Wanna know the most awesome part. One of the gals, that is due in February mind you, sat there sipping a glass of red wine the entire night. Really?! Luckily with 90 people there, I was able to ignore the 3 knocked up gals for the most part and had a pretty good time. Sunday I got a call from a friend of mine that had her second baby in September. I am beyond happy for her, but still hearing about how crazy her life is now knowing that I'm trying so hard month in and month out to have that life, it was just a tough phone call I guess. 

8 more work days in 2013. You have no idea how happy that makes me. Christmas shopping is done and we're heading to Florida in 11 days...another something that makes me happy. Guess I"m going to focus on the happy stuff for a bit. 

I'll leave ya'll with a little sample of one of the happier moments of the weekend...

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Therapy Cry-Fest

It's really hard to say therapy and not automatically know that it's going to be one solid hour of tissues, sobs and tears. That's basically how it went. Being my first visit with her, I knew there would be a lot of history discussed. I've been told before that I have a lot of abandonment and loss "issues", she basically concurred.

So for those of you that remember my post from the summer where my old therapist basically told me I was ridiculous for have such bitter and difficult feelings toward friends and acquaintances that were expecting and how I left that appointment in a shaking rage of anger never to set foot in her office again? Well, the great thing is, this woman said quite the opposite. "If being around pregnant people is too hard, then avoid it, when possible." I can't help my feelings and if it helps me from dipping into that place of bitterness, then don't hang out with those friends. If they are true friends, they will understand that my mental well-being has to come first for me. Now, there are some that just can't be helped. I work with a friend that has known all about my journey over the past year and a half. She just found out she was pregnant a week ago, yet she continues to come in my office and complain about morning sickness and her digestive issues. It's hard to fathom how she doesn't realize that I am NOT the right confidant for her prenatal woes. She also keeps asking me, "so did this month work"?!?! Seriously, don't ask me. I think next week's session is going to have to be about how I explain (in a nice way) these, what would seem to ME to be obvious, actions are actually quite insensitive and to please leave me alone.

We talked a lot about my mother and how the grief and loss of my pregnancy last year and the difficulties in getting a BFP again have brought up the loss of my mother as if I had just lost her versus being 4 years ago. How sometimes I'm bitter and angry at other members of my family because I miss her and don't have that type of relationship with anyone else and really, that's what I want and need.

I told her how after ten years of dating T, I often worry that he's going to be discouraged with me. He knows how sad and down (dare I use the word depressed?) I am and have been for months, maybe more like a year and I can't seem to find a way to be ME again.

T was so glad that I made the effort to do this on my own. He's so supportive and absolutely amazing. I told her how very lucky I am to have him and sometimes wish that I could just put feelings of having a baby behind me and just live our lives together...happy.

He gave me a sweatshirt (early Christmas present) the other day that said "I am happy..." Today he mentioned doing a weekend trip to Ojai, California when he's out there for work in January. I started to cry when he mentioned that because I know how hard he's trying to put a smile on my face. I love him more than words for his constant awesomeness.

Update on this cycle. I'm 12 dpo and it's still a BFN. Not feeling very good about it at this point, but I'll continue to test till Friday.

Big flipping BOO.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Time to ask for help

The past few weeks have been pretty hard on me. I know my posts have seemed rather down in recent weeks and I hate that. I really do want to get back to more hopeful posts vs. bitter, angry and sad posts. I'm not sure how to get there though.

It's crazy to sit back and think about all the ladies that I've "met" this last year on this journey and how many of us have losses that happened in November/December of last year. So I know that I'm certainly not the only one that is really affected by this time of year. We've got so much cheer and holiday spirit coming from every angle and here I am spewing hateful pouts. So I caved. After my horrible experience with a therapist this summer, I've decided that I need to find someone to talk to about all of my emotions and heartache and well, hormonal outbursts.

I reached out to a therapist today and was able to get an appointment tomorrow night. I simply feel lost, broken, sad and angry ALL the time. I think "I" need a little mental fixing, and maybe then, I can at least feel get back to enjoying TTC, enjoying my family and friends and enjoying my life. Not to say I won't have tough moments...but there certainly needs to be a balance that I don't currently have.

My husband and I are very fortunate. To have the home we have, the jobs we have and each other. I want more than anything to have a family of our own, but that can't come at an expense of losing myself. I need a little courage and hope to keep going...nothing wrong with getting a little help to achieve that, right? we go. I'm up for anything, and hopefully this woman is much better equipped to handle the emotional rants of a woman on hormones than my last therapist!

Quick update on this cycle...I don't really know anything. I had a progesterone draw this morning and it was only 13.3, my lowest p4 numbers in all the months it's been checked. If I have a positive HPT, I will go in for beta next Monday. At 10 dpiui, it's currently a BFN. Way early, I know. No symptoms to report other than some mild period-like cramps on and off over the weekend.