That wasn't the case. 2012 will go down as one of the hardest years I've ever endured rivaling only the 2008 when I watched my mother battle her illness and ultimately lose her battle in a matter of months.
At the same time, I struggle with being so down about 2012. After all, it was my second year of marriage to my love. My life with T is amazing and I'm beyond lucky. To say it's the worst year ever, discredits my life with him.
Month after month, I actually thought that a pregnancy could happen. I was so hopeful, so optimistic. Even as I made the decision to see an RE and move forward in our journey, our new doctor encouraged us. I believed his decisions and his judgement. I trusted him when he said I didn't need certain tests because of my response to meds. I trusted his decision to only do IUI's and meds every other month rather than charging forward more aggressively.
I've become bitter, angry, sad and unhappy. I was a pain in the ass over Christmas. My husband is so supportive and bends over backwards for me but I can't seem to let a second of the day not revolve around our fertility struggles. He wants more than anything for me to be happy. He continues to tell me that no matter what, it's going to work out. Whether we get pregnant with our eggs, donor eggs, choose to adopt or make the decision not to have children. He said our life...will work out. Why can't I believe that? I don't know how to get to the point of acceptance.
My doctor still hasn't called me. Other than the nurse telling me almost 2 weeks ago that my AMH was >.16 all I've had on medical advise was thanks to the internet. I have no idea what this journey holds for us and unfortunately it's not moving at a fast pace either. My temp has started to drop and my next cycle will start most likely tomorrow. Which means, with my doctor still out and not expected back until next Monday, I will be sitting out another cycle. My surgery is scheduled for February 1st (if that is even still happening) which means, another cycle gone. I have high FSH and very low AMH, yet no one but me is worried or in a hurry to get me pregnant with my eggs. I'm 35 years old. I just can't comprehend that I don't have any eggs left.
So the moral of 2012? It wasn't meant to be our year. It was even meant to be better than 2011. I chose the wrong RE and that has cost me months of precious time. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully make a few better decisions to see what 2013 can bring.
Can it get worse? If this isn't rock bottom, then my heart may not be able to handle it.
Much love and please have a happy and safe New Years.