Monday, July 29, 2013

Reality sucks

It's been a very long seven days for us. I feel so bad for being MIA for so long after such a grim post. The constant emails, comments and texts I received were so kind and everyone filled me with love. Knowing that I'm not alone. As bad as things my feel and seem...there are so many amazing women with their own struggles and their own stories of loss and infertility challenges that spent a few minutes out of their day sending prayers, thoughts and support.

Last week was a struggle. Emotionally, the loss hit us immediately. We couldn't believe after everything that we'd gone through, that this could end so quickly and harshly. My bleeding got pretty heavy by mid week. When I went in for my hCG level on Monday, it had been 81. So decreasing, slowly, but surely. On Thursday, I thought for sure it would be much lower as much as I was bleeding.

It was not. It was 110. My heart sank. My doctor started talking potential d&c and I needed to postpone my work trip to California this week. Until we know this is resolving...I'm going no where.

Even husband had a weekend trip with his best friends from high school college (that he never sees) planned for 4 months. I couldn't imagine this weekend without him, but wanted him to go. I've never felt such a battle of the head vs. heart before EVER. In the end, I forced him out. Told him there was nothing he could do here...I have more than enough friends that are close if something happens, to go and try and get away from all this, even if it's for a moment.

I spent from Thursday night until Monday morning in bed. (except one lunch and dinner outing) I would walk up, feed the fat cats, grab some water and Cheez-its and back to bed. I watched movie after movie, read a few books and just laid there. It was exactly what I wanted to do this weekend. Nothing.

T arrived home last night and brought pizza and salad, and we had dinner in bed. I'm so glad he's home, but don't regret for a minute making him go. I think it was good for both of us.

My hCG level yesterday was encouraging. It's down to 65 now. I was in a lot of pain over the weekend. Mostly on the right side in my back, so I had been concerned. The bleeding has mostly stopped. My hope is that when I go back later this week, for an ultrasound and more labs...this will be almost over.

It's time to move on. Again.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

It was almost perfect

The timing of it all. The fact that we got pregnant at all. But really, none of that makes me feel better.

I got my hopes up. I believed for a nano second that maybe we were going to really have a baby. That it could happen. And that it would be mine. My DNA. My egg.

I was looking forward to donor eggs. I was excited to get started. What would be the point to give me a BFP now...only to take it away so quickly. Why even take me down that road?

These are my questions to the universe today.

I woke up in the middle of the night in the wee hours of Saturday with sharp pains in my uterus. I got up to go to the bathroom and there it was a tiny bit of blood. I knew then that this was over.

I was able to go in for labs yesterday. My hCG was 94. Down from 98 on Wednesday.


What's been the hardest part is that T was so hopeful. Even with the cramping and spotting (which got heavier yesterday) he didn't want to believe it. He wanted to be positive. There was no way this was happening to us again.

But it has, and we're just hurt right now. And angry. I'm angry. I'm mad that I believed. I'm mad that our donor egg cycle has just been delayed for nothing. I'm mad that a had a biological child dangled in my face only to be snatched away.

Infertility isn't fair. Nothing about it is fair.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

My little egg that could...did?

First of all...from every bit of my heart, thank you. Every comment and well wish I've received these past few days has brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I have such a close relationship with so many of you amazing ladies and I couldn't imagine getting through these past 2 years much less these past 2 days without so much love and support. GOD bless every single one of you for being so freaking awesome and for being my friends.

I arrived at the doctor this morning for my beta...first thing. They informed me that because of system issues, that I shouldn't freak out if I don't hear anything today.

Ummmm. Impossible. I've been freaking out for 6 days. No can do, lady.

Not to mention, I ran into my OB's nurse who came up to me and was like "what's going on!?!" She was shocked the other day and said they were so excited and are really pulling for me.

I called her after I left and asked her about going to another lab so I could get results today. She immediately sent orders to a lab closer to where I worked and off I went. Second poke of the day.

At that lab, they informed me that the nurse forgot to right stat, so it would be 24-48 hours.

Shiiiit, people. Doesn't anyone realize that my mental health is dependent on these results TODAY!?

I called my doctor's office AGAIN and they called the lab to make sure they were ran STAT.

Results are in. My second beta is 98. Doubling time of 36 hours.

The nurse I spoke with didn't have my file, so she thought it sounded really low. I told her it was 37 on Monday and she asked how far along I was. I said 15 dpo. They obviously don't get a lot of high strung infertiles in there much, probably because the infertiles are with an RE! She said that she'd have my doctor call me tomorrow to decide what's next.

My awesome RE from Chicago did say if needed, he'll help follow this so I can get as much assurance as possible. There was definitely a reason I liked it there, regardless of how my IVF turned out...

For the present moment...I'm on track, but I'm a long way from feeling good about this. I had amazing betas with my last pregnancy, only to find out at 7 weeks it was a blighted ovum. I also have zero symptoms, much like that one. So I can only hope that all of this, and the timing considering, happened for a reason.

Much love.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Beta #1

I showed up at my OBGYN's office the minute their doors opened this morning and begged the front desk gal for an hCG and p4 draw. She was so sweet, she was like "Suzanne" right? Dang...they know me. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my gyne? Cause I do.

I had to sit around and wait till 4:30 for the results. Um...TORTURE!

So the results are in and they are decent. Not great, but I guess only time will tell when I go back on Wednesday.

At 13 dpo:

HCG - 37.10

p4 - 25.20

They were really happy with the p4 level. Hopefully on Wednesday (15 dpo) the number will be closer to 25. I'm having lots of twinges in the old uterus area, so hopefully that at least means it's in the right place! The nurse told me that my doctor had a huge grin on his face when reading my results. She even told him that I did it on my own.

The next few days are going to really, REALLY drag.

So on other news, the one thing that surprised me was that CCRM said I needed to contact my OB since I conceived on my own. They won't be following this. Interesting I guess, because other RE's I've had said that no matter how I conceived once I was their patient, they would follow any pregnancy in the first 12 weeks.

Luckily my gyne knows my history and has even been a part of both of my failed pregnancies. Still...I mean, I paid a big chunk of money to CCRM, kinda thought they would over see this a little. update on Wednesday!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Beach, birthday, 12 years together...and a miracle

It's going to take me a few days to catch up with my blogging. I promise, I will though.

Our vacation to Anguilla was simply amazing. We were right on the ocean in an open air room at a resort that was the ultimate "kick back, relax in the most serene, secluded, beautiful" place you've ever seen. It was exactly what we needed. We went snorkeling. We laid on the beach. We ate fantastic food and we drank rum punch! Infertility was pushed aside and we made our trip just about us.

My birthday was perfect. Just Trevor and I...well and a few dolphins. I've always wanted to swim with dolphins. So, this year, I did. It was super corny, I know, but hey, consider it checked off my bucket list. Trevor said he hadn't seen me laugh and smile like that in a long time which made him really enjoy watching.

That evening we had my favorite meal of the whole trip. They brought us champagne for my birthday and dessert. Then the local "celebrity" who was a professional cricket player turned musician came to my table with his guitar and sang happy birthday to me...and not in a cheesy way. It was the "Anguillian" version and there was a verse about wishing me joy. Cue tears. Couldn't help it. It got me.  Simply was an amazing birthday.

Here are some of my favorite pics from our trip.

The boat ride from St. Maarten to Anguilla...complete with rum punch!

View from our room

Beach at our resort...dinner date night!

The cove where we snorkeled

Boat ride!

My birthday dinner

The crayfish was to die for down there

Omari Banks serenaded me with a beautiful version of Happy Birthday, look close, you'll see big fat tears in my eyes. Such a sap!

Day trip to St. Martin (French Side)

Another view of one of Anguilla's fabulous beaches

T & Me

Sunshine and another frozen cocktail

My daily spot on the beach with the view of St. Martin in the background

Having an absolute blast together...much needed

The "dolphin push"
If only I could have "Free Willy'd" them...I totally would have, but they really did make my day

The last day of our trip (yesterday) happen to be the anniversary of when we went on our first date 12 years ago. So most of the day was spent traveling and eating dinner in a crappy airport restaurant. However, we did take a morning walk on the beach and had one very special surprise before we left.

Now, I have to preface this with the fact that I've yet to barely crack a smile over this. I'm terrified and scared. I can't comprehend a world in which this will work out. I've been told over and over again how I need to move on to donor eggs and in our heads we had and really, still are because this isn't real yet. My eggs are awful, what eggs I have anyway. My hormones are all over the place, even THIS cycle they were wacky.

I know that this is a wall that I've put up around my heart because I'm so scared of being let down again. Things just haven't worked out for me these past few years on my journey to be a mother. But really, it's not going to matter how many walls I put up, I will be devastated if this pregnancy isn't viable. But still, the fact is...right this second, I'm pregnant...with MY egg. Something I thought would never happen. That's amazing in itself.

Tomorrow I plan on going in first thing for a beta. The digital says "pregnant". The second pink line is decent, at least for 12 dpo.

So today...fresh from vacation...(and crap, too much rum punch) I'm cautiously hoping that this is my miracle.

Friday, July 5, 2013 I come!!!

I am the WORST blog buddy ever these past few weeks. I'm pretty sure bouncing from coast to coast and everywhere in between probably has something to do with it, but I do want to apologize for my lack of comments. I've been reading all my fellow bloggers posts, even if it seems I've been absent.

Quickly, I'm on cycle day 22 and I'm just 3 DPO. So LATE ovulation. Good thing is, I won't be on my period all through vacation!! So I'll likely get to start my mock cycle (operation "build that lining") as soon as I return. 

Other than that...I'm OFF TO ANGUILLA!!! We leave first thing in the morning! I'm SO excited. I'm ready to get away from all things infertility and negative about me, my body and my life and just focus on my amazing husband and all the things I can be thankful for. 

So if you think of me this next week (as I turn 36...gah) think of me with a piƱa colada in my hand. :)

Also, good luck to the lovely Aubrey tomorrow as she has her egg retrieval!!