Thursday, January 23, 2020 much?

Certainly doesn't seem that way anymore, does it? Well, time to change that. Time to jump back in the game. You know why? Because I miss it. I miss the interaction. I miss the love, the support and the community.

And...because I feel like now that my littles are 4 years old, maybe I can start to refocus on things that I used to be able to enjoy when free time was a thing. Not that free time is really a thing still, but I feel like I'm in a place where I can finally MAKE time. I am.

Lets start with an update on my trio.

Casey: Where do I start with this guy. He's all energy, all boy and all snuggles wrapped up in this amazing tiny human body. If I tell him no, he very dramatically pouts, but the second I start to move away from him he melts into a giant mama's boy puddle. He'd give up pretty much every toy he has if it means he can still come in my room at night. No bribe is working on that kid. He cuddles and likes to play with my ear while he sleeps which is bizarre, but whatever comforts you little man. He plays hard and loves even harder. It's what I love most about him.

Britton: Oh my sweet, little slightly high strung, big brown eyed boy. I'll admit, he loves his mama, but this one is a daddy's boy. Though the second I "pretend pout" he's all about giving his mama some hugs. He loves a mix of everything. His favorite color is rainbow. He loves music...from Andy Graham to George Strait to the Beatles. He's by far our best eater of the group. He's also so polite it literally makes my heart burst. Oh. And he toots literally all day every day. I don't even know how it's possible to toot THAT much.

Liddy Rose: This girl is ALL girl. Her favorite color is pink. She loves all things Disney princesses, unicorns and rainbows. She's literally the best hugger on the planet and has the sweetest little voice I've ever heard. She rarely gets in trouble and when she does it breaks her heart. Like shatters it. So, she just doesn't. She nursed for 3 years and even though I finally weaned her, it wasn't by her choice and she would still be doing so if I let her. She's a mama's girl through and through. I hope it lasts for ever. Though I know her independent, opinionated mind will definitely give me a run for my money come those pre-teen years. She loves to go to the theater, we've seen Frozen 2 three times, and Little Women. Her favorite princess is Sleeping Beauty. She also has such a beautiful connection with my mother's spirit. I can't even describe it any other way.

These three keep me on my toes, they keep me busy and they keep me laughing. People ask me all the time, how do I do it? How do I not? I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I was born to be their mom. And the journey that got me there is still not lost on me. I think about it every day. I think about how lucky and blessed we are because of them. I also think about the women that still struggle. .All the time. Women still reach out to me for support and guidance and I love that. It makes me feel needed. Like I have something to offer. I want to figure out a way to help. Make a mark in this infertility world. It's time I figure out how to do that.

I'll wrap this post with a few visual updates of our crew from 2019!

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Major Update

As I posted back in 2017, we made the decision to donate our remaining 3 embryos that were still frozen at our clinic in Colorado. We went through so much, and trust me, that's a pretty mild statement, and couldn't imagine destroying them or "donating them to research". We wanted them to have a chance at life. Problem is, we were and are done having children. Having three amazing kids all 3 years old, is amazing, hard, filled with joy and also challenges. We are at peace and completely in love with our family of five.

Our family is what it is because of some very special people. Our egg donor. Our amazing, surrogate, Kelly. Doctors and nurses, literally across the country. So how could we not pay some of that forward? It honestly, wasn't a difficult decision for us. In the fall of 2017, we officially donated our embryos to our clinic in hopes that someone else that was dreaming as hard as we did for their own miracle, could potentially have that opportunity, because of us.

This is completely anonymous. Apparently, we will never know anything about the family or children that come from these embryos. Even though they will be 100% biological siblings to our boys and biological children to my husband, we knew that in our heart, this was still absolutely what we wanted and needed to do.

Luckily, our clinic does allow us to find out if the embryos are adopted, and if they are successful. Last week, I got that answer.

While one remains on ice and is awaiting adoption. Two were transferred to a patient, and they both stuck. And even more split. This person or couple, now has triplets. Just like our miracles turned into three. So has theirs.

People have asked how we feel about this. We feel joy. Pure joy. And maybe a little bit of compassion for these parents that are about to have their world rocked by three at once! Because let me tell you, we know, it's going to be amazing chaos. And exhausting chaos. In the best possible way. We have our children. We are blessed by three of the sweetest, most hilarious little humans we could ever wish for. They are ours. And together, we are perfect, just the way we are.

I hope those triplets have a full and happy life. I'm guessing their parents will, that's for sure, albeit they are going to be really tired for the foreseeable future.

Oh, and we did snicker at the thought "what if we'd have transferred the one that split"? Geez. Never mind, on second thought lets not think of that.

Instead, lets focus on what's right here, right now, in my heart and in my arms. And all mine.

My new reality into perimenopause

I literally cannot believe it's been over a year since my last post. Life has been, well, a blur.  A busy, chaotic, blur. And it's been amazing. I'm forever grateful for my three miracles.

I do have an update that relates back to all my infertility though, and for the sake of keeping all my information up to date and accurate to help anyone else out there searching, I'm going to lay it all out here.

My little miracle pregnancy that happened while my gestational carrier was half way through her pregnancy with my egg donor babies, happened in April, 2015. I gave birth at the very end of 2015. Since then, I fed my daughter until her 3rd birthday. I had no periods until I stopped breastfeeding her. I thought that was because of breastfeeding. And I think mostly, it was.

At my annual this year, I had a few complaints. Bloating, feeling down, hot flashes, difficulty sleeping, etc. I receive an ultrasound yearly to do a little looksie at my uterus and ovaries due to my increased risk of ovarian cancer. What they found was my lining looked very thick. Odd, since that was the opposite of my infertility days. They scheduled a d&c to take a look and to remove any thick tissue that could become cancerous. What they found, was that it was the opposite of thick. It was actually scar tissue from top to bottom. So basically, my uterus looks as bad if not worse than it always had. My doctor told me if he had seen my uterus before my pregnancy, he too, would have suggested the use of a gestational carrier.

He also ran a few tests. We tested my FSH. Just to go back a few years it was always between 10 and 18 between 2013-2015. It's now 51. Which confirms that I am in perimenopause. I mean, I'm 41. So it's on the young side, but with my diminished ovarian reserve. This is what we expected, no?

What this did tell me. Was to be grateful. Truly, from deep in my soul, grateful for my miracles. All of them. But especially of Liddy. Because she did come to me from my crappy eggs. And my equally crappy uterus managed to carry her practically full-term (only 3 days shy). In he end, my body did what I dreamed it would. And I'm at peace that this old body of mine, at least from the reproductive point of view, is hanging up it's hat for good.

Because. Miracles. Happened.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Our end is here

Maybe not the right title. Then again, maybe it is.

I blogged awhile back about our hope to donate our embryos. While I would have loved to potentially have an open relationship with whoever adopted them, the time and energy to move them, and find someone, was just more than I can do with how much we have going on in our life. At the end of the day, I'm thrilled that they won't be destroyed, but are continued to be looked after by the best lab in the country and are currently on a list for hopeful would-be-parents that are at the end of their infertility journey and this is their only remaining option. While I definitely had a good cry over this, it was right for us. They have a chance of life. And that gives me peace.

I know donating embryos that we worked so hard for is very difficult for some people to imagine. But remember, our family is here because of not one, but two incredibly amazing people that donated themselves or pieces of themselves to make us parents. Third party reproduction is how we came to be a family of 5. So if I can give my remaining three embryos a chance at life, and help other couples the same way I was helped, how is that not a win-win for me in a really amazing way? Dr. G at CCRM also said that while the program is anonymous, he is also willing to inform me when they are adopted and let me know if there is a successful pregnancy. Again, this makes me happy. Just knowing.

I also, obviously don't blog like I used to. I don't text and email with friends the way I used to either. Life is chaos. Crazy, amazing, busy, and exhausting, but wonderful chaos. So something has to give. I have to be present in the moment with my three babes, because unlike the folks that spread their children out by, you know, a year or so, I have to do it right the first time, have no regrets. No do overs.

So I miss talking to all of you. I miss the updates, I miss the comments, and just the relationships I shared from this journey. I think of all of you so often, and I'm thankful that I still get to follow along with a lot of you on social media. I will not close this blog. I've had too many people find it helpful. A lot of my issues were rare and didn't have a lot of information out there. It makes me happy to be a resource to others. And I still welcome the emails that occasionally come to me from women that are in search of answers in DOR or Asherman's Syndrome, Donor Eggs and Surrogacy.

From time to time, I will try to post updates about our little family. I'm proud of them. So I enjoy sharing how we're doing. I also have topics from time to time that I may post about. It just may not be often. (i.e. extended breastfeeding and sleep consults are kind of in the works right now, so may make a good future post.)