Thursday, May 31, 2012

Time to reign it in a bit

I'll start with this cycle isn't over for me yet. I'm only 5 dpo. Though my confidence is a bit shattered this cycle. This is actually why our plan over the next couple months is a good thing.

I may have never mentioned this. I'm an accountant by trade. A controller at an advertising agency. In my job, I live and breathe numbers. Numbers to me are very black and white. When numbers don't make sense, they send me into a tailspin. Because of this, I'm not sure Ovacue was the right monitor for me. Don't get me wrong. It seems to have accurately detected ovulation on the same day as my temps and OPK's on my past cycles. However, it comes with a lot of analysis. When the numbers don't look as they should, it's extremely disheartening. At 5 dpo, I should be thinking about how slow the clocks is ticking during this 2ww. Certainly not that my cycle is over and done and I should be moving on, because my Ovacue readings seem to indicate that. Whether they mean that at all, who knows. This is the anxiety that it has caused, regardless.

We leave for a 12 day vacation in July. We're going to Savannah and Hilton Head and I cannot wait. I'm looking forward to the first vacation just my husband and I since our honeymoon last June. I'm looking forward to us celebrating 11 years together. I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday, just us. I'm looking forward to not being at home the day after my would be due date. As we start planning little details like reservations at restaurants and so forth, I came to a decision.

We're taking the month of June off. Don't get me wrong, there won't be protected sex, I'm sure of it. But there won't be monitors, temping, OPK's. Zilch. If this cycle doesn't work. I want to enjoy my vacation. That just so happens to be a  potential fertile time for us, if my cycles remain as they have. I want to eat raw fish. I want to drink fruity frozen drinks and drink the best red wine I can find. I want to kick off my heels and have FUN! It's one month off. If we happen to get pregnant "not trying" even better. My husband actually is really excited about the no monitors and pee sticks and wait for that isn't so scheduled out. I'm undecided about Clomid for another cycle. I'll wait and speak to my doctor about that once we know the outcome of this cycle.

I think it's a much needed breather, during a sad time for me. I thought for sure I'd be pregnant by the time my due date came around. I feel good about all of this. I really, really do.

33 days and counting till vacay.

On a side note, I'd like to say that I had a rare moment of pure joy over hearing about another women's pregnancy. I "met" her on the Ovacue forum and follow her blog. After a miscarriage in November as well, and the ups and downs that come with that, she got her BFP this week. It's been so hard to hear about pregnancies popping up left and right...this news...was not hard to hear at all. I'm so happy for her and her husband and I'm wishing her a healthy and happy pregnancy. Thanks for giving me the hope that this will happen for me!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

1 dpo...FINALLY!

After over a week of negative OPK's, it looks like ovulation may have actually happened regardless. After all my stressing, I'm surprised!! Below is my BBT & Ovacue charts. As with the last few months, it shows a rise in my temp and my readings on the same day, making yesterday O day. I've never been so relieved to be in my 2ww!!

Another thing that has happened since my last post is that I've made an appointment with an RE. I wasn't able to see him until August 23rd. Actually, I'm okay with this. It gives me a solid 3 months of winging it on Clomid (unmonitored) before I see him, so I feel that at that point, I'll have exhausted my options at my obgyn. At that point we'll have been TTC for 14 months (not counting the months off during the pregnancy/miscarriage) AND I'll be 35. I think that puts me in a new age bracket for all of this. Awesome. Having this appointment has given me a sense of calmness. I'd rather be proactive now and have to cancel it if we do get a BFP vs. waiting until several months of BFN's, only to then have to wait 3 more months for an appointment. So overall. This makes me happy.

We've had a great Memorial Day weekend so far. Date night on Friday, we drove to Cincinnati to see my mom's in-laws yesterday, with a little Mexican and Margarita date night after and today we cleaned, ran errands, sat outside and had a pina colada. This is the last day I'll drink for the next 2 weeks, so I enjoyed every last sip! Then we hit a local farmer's market and make gazpacho for dinner. We plan on sitting outside and enjoying the night together, lounging!! Maybe one more effort on the baby dancing front, then a pool and bbq day tomorrow. Ahhhh...I love holiday weekends that we aren't going all over the place in a million different directions. This rarely happens for us!

The next 3 weeks are pretty crazy. So I'm hoping that will spring me right through this 2ww with as little anxiety as possible! I'm on shopping lockdown thanks to my dear husband...oh well. We've got his sister's 40th birthday next weekend, the following weekend we'll be in Kansas City for birthday's, retirement parties, etc...and the weekend after my sister will be in town. The great thing about this is it means 4 day work weeks for 3 weeks straight!! The bad thing, it's a lot of functions where people are going to wonder why I'm not drinking and will start speculating.

Hope everyone is having a happy, safe Memorial Day!!!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Cycle bust or just really delayed?

Either way, I'm pretty frazzled. As of cycle day 16 I've had no signs of ovulation. Odd for me. I know the Clomid can cause later ovulation, but I can't help but have that feeling that this cycle isn't even going to have a fighting chance.

I've felt so down this week. Just that zoning out, staring in to space kind of down that I can't snap out of. I know my husband is worried about me. I don't want our whole life to revolve around this journey, but I don't know how to turn it off either. I thought the 2ww was torture. This is the first month that waiting to ovulate has been even worse.

We don't have a lot planned this weekend. I'm not sure that is a good thing or not. I tend to crawl in to my hole of self pity when I spend too much time at home, so I'm hoping we can find a good balance of things to do and relaxing at home. Hopefully, just maybe, ovulation is still around the corner and we can spend the holiday weekend trying to make a baby.

One can hope.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Still waiting

I haven't posted in few days. Honestly, I've been a little frustrated and anxious about ovulation. This being my first month on Clomid, I'm concerned about what's going on with my cycle. I'm on Clomid because of a short luteal phase, not because I'm not ovulating. I am ovulating or I was, very consistently. I was consistently getting positive OPK's. So far, no positive OPK's and no ovulation signs. 

I had to partake in a baby shower for someone at work a few days ago. I found out this girl was pregnant around the same time as my miscarriage. Needless to say, I've avoided this particular pregnancy unless absolutely necessary. That sounds horrible doesn't it? I wish being happy for others joy of having a child wasn't so hard. It's just that I probably know no less than 25 expecting acquaintances at this very moment. It's getting to the point of ridiculousness. 

Maybe this is a "break my alcohol consumption during ovulation rule and have a small glass of wine" kind of night.

Friday, May 18, 2012

I need a day.

My hubz is out of town right now. Just till tomorrow night. Enough time to sit back and enjoy my clean and quiet home, but not so long that I have to mope around without him.

So today as I sit at work (not working) thinking about tomorrow being cycle day 10, which means the OPK testing begins, the baby dancing gets into high gear, etc...etc...etc...I decide that I need a day for me. So I booked a deep tissue massage, followed by a manicure/pedicure tomorrow morning. It's supposed to be a gorgeous, sunny weekend, so I plan on getting up, making myself a little breakfast, walking to the spa, (well it's only 2 blocks) get pampered a little or maybe a lot, then I plan on baking a cake. I seriously can't think of a better way to spend my day.

What's better, is by the time I'm done with all of that, my husband will be home. Super excited. What better way to get in the mood to try and make a baby!!

If this month works, I totally plan on crediting my special Suz day vs. the Clomid...just so you know.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Clomid...Round 1

Well today is my last day of Clomid. I'm taking it CD 3-7. I'm doing all my normal monitoring: BBT, Ovacue oral and vaginal readings and I'll start OPK's on CD 10. We're going to do our best not to miss a beat, so we started BD'ing last night! He leaves town tomorrow so we'll BD again tomorrow morning and when he is back on Saturday, so I'm not really concerned about his absence since we'll still manage the EOD this early on.

I've had no physical symptoms with the Clomid. Which is a good thing I imagine. I've heard of mood swings, hot flashes, etc. I've had nothing. Hopefully on the low dose (50mg) my lining is in good shape. My doctor didn't seem concerned about that. I'm taking a baby aspirin every morning, hoping to help. We're also using Preseed in case the Clomid creates a "dry environment". Not sure there is anything else I can do at this point but cross my fingers and baby dance my heart out!

I did call my doctor's office yesterday to question them about not being monitored while doing the Clomid. How do I know I'm responding to it? What if I release tons of eggs and end up being the next Octomom!? (I know, that was IVF) This is just my slightly controlling personality that I have to know the why's and why not's of everything. Apparently they do monitor cycles of Clomid at their office. I don't have to go to a specialist, but they typically don't start monitoring until cycle 3. I guess that's fine for now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to bring it up again if this cycle doesn't work though! They already have a lab order waiting for me for my progesterone check a week after ovulation.

Alrighty, that's it for now...good luck to all my other TTC ladies out there, maybe this will be our month!!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

I saw this on the blog of another woman on the same journey. This brought tears to my eyes because of how true this is and it's exactly how I feel today...

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

My Mother and I...1982

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mother's Day Blues

This is my forth Mother's Day without my Mom. It's a day I typically curl up on my couch. Look at pictures of my mom and simply miss her. The week leading up to Mother's Day I see all the signs in the stores, the radio ads, etc., advertising Mother's Day gifts and cards. Each time I see/hear these little things it brings sadness. It reminds me of what I no longer have. 

This year has been no different except one thing. I'm supposed to be 2 months away from having my first child. This was going to be a bittersweet and special Mother's Day. Instead, I'm remembering my mother and remember the baby that I'm not going to have. 

I just took the first of my Clomid this evening. I heard it can cause nausea and hot flashes and that it's sometimes better to be taken at night. So we'll see. After the last few cycles, I'm trying not to put much hope or expectations with this medicated cycle. We're not really being monitored at this point other than the progesterone check a week after ovulation. I probably will only be willing to do a few months of this before it's time to move on to a fertility specialist. At (almost) 35, I don't feel as if I have the time to wait around. 

Everyone seems to keep telling me to just relax and it will happen. How exactly do you do that? I mean my brain just doesn't work like that. I don't understand how you just turn off TTC and not think about it. Big props to the folks that can, but I'm not one of them! 

To all the Mother's out there, celebrate your babies tomorrow. To all the daughters, celebrate your Mama's, you never know how long you have with them. To all the ladies trying to conceive. I know tomorrow will be just a little sad for all of us, know that there are others out there that are understanding exactly how you feel. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Here we go again...

Well here we are, cycle day one. I could tell it was coming, so for it didn't hit me as bad as last month. I had such high hopes for this month. Ovulation definitely happened and it just seemed like we did everything right. We did get great news from Trevor's follow up doctor's visit, so things look great on his end. I picked up my prescription for Clomid today. I'll start that on Saturday. This will be my first cycle, so I'm certainly anxious to see how my body will react.

I was really hoping this Mother's Day weekend was going to bring celebration. I'm hoping I can remember my mom and celebrate how lucky I was to have her, even if my time with her was too short. I know it's going to be difficult not to dwell on what else has been lost this year.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I could scream

Today has been ROUGH. I have no idea why. Oddly enough, today's the best I've felt in days. I'm finally over my cluster headache flare up that has been lingering the past 3 weeks. I got a good night sleep last night, after traveling over the weekend, I had been exhausted lately. So why in the world do I want to cause serious injury to everyone I come in contact with? (I mean not really, but I would like to yell and scream)

I'm super sensitive too. Or maybe I'm not and people really are just making me mad. Do they have no idea that I'm a few days away from either having to start yet another cycle with the addition of fertility meds or a BFP. I'm thinking everyone around me had better wish for the latter!!

On a positive note, I did hear from my doctors office today and my progesterone level at 9dpo was 16.5 which they were happy with. Especially since I'm also taking supplements. One less thing to concern myself with.

Sometimes this journey can really overwhelm me with emotions. I wish I could concentrate on other things and as much as my husband tells me to relax, it's really hard. Today's just one of those crappy days I think...

Monday, May 7, 2012

Back to my reality

I had a lovely weekend visiting friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. It was as I anticipated a nice distraction. I only had a few reminders of the journey I'm on, as I of course, heard of more couples that are expecting, thank goodness I didn't have to see any of them. I officially know of more than 10 people expecting babies right now. Could be closer to 15-20 if I sat down to think about it, but I really don't want to.
So if my cycle goes as the last few have, I could see AF any day now. I'm on CD 24, which is how long my last cycle was. I'm hoping, because that would be a super short luteal phase, that I don't. Well I'd prefer I see a BFP on Wednesday, which is when I'll start testing. Just like every other month, I have zero symptoms of pregnancy. So I'm not holding out much hope. Of course I had zero symptoms with my pregnancy last fall...
So now that I'm back home, I think I'm just really anxious, and really nervous. I just want to find out so that I can get on with my next cycle. I did have my progesterone blood draw today since I'm 9 DPO. Hopefully that comes back within a normal range.
Trevor goes back to his doctor tomorrow for one more round of tests on him. They just want to confirm that the results he had a few weeks ago were not a fluke. Hopefully he's done with the prostate exams though! I'm sure that's his hope as well.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Weekend Distraction

I'm headed to St. Louis this weekend. Road trip, just me, leaving the hubs behind. FYI, I lived in St. Louis for 11 years. I spent my last 2 years of high school, college and early twenties there. Needless to say, many friends to spend time with in a short weekend. I actually think this will be really good for me. If I stayed home, I would be wanting to test every day, I'd be analyzing every little symptom and I think this will be a good distraction. I've got plans every single minute of the weekend. What's even more impressive. I'm leaving my thermometer and Ovacue at home. I know that getting readings the entire month helps to establish a pattern, however, the Ovacue readings after ovulation really create a lot of anxiety for me. I know I've ovulated this month and there is nothing the readings are going to tell me that will change the outcome. So I'm on a mini-vacation from it all!

About 8 years ago I lived with one of my closest friends while she put her life back together. She had a 1 year old at the time. So at 24 I was able to experience just a little bit of what it was like to have a child around. That little girl is almost 11 now and I've continued to remain super close to her. I'm like the cool aunt that lives out of town that she gets really excited to see. I can't help but be flattered. So tomorrow, her and I are spending the day together. I'm really looking forward to the carefree attitude of a child. What better remedy could I ask for.

Of course my challenge will be the non-drinking thing. I know I'm still very early in the dpo stage, but I still want to try to keep any alcohol intake to a minimum. I really everyone to really know how hard we're trying. It's so easy for folks to say that in those first few weeks before you know, it's like "freebie" time. Well, they all have happy, health children. I may get a drink and just sip all night. They're less likely to notice if I order a drink and don't really drink it vs. not ordering one at all. So that's my plan.

So with that said, I'm off for a non-ttc consumed weekend!!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Times a creepin'

This 2ww is absolutely dragging. Who am I kidding, the 2ww drags every month and I obsessively think of nothing else. But right here and right now, THIS 2ww seems like the worst ever! I'm sure I'll say the same thing again next cycle. (hopefully not) I question everything we did over this cycle. Did we time it right? Did I lay flat long enough after? I try not to discuss my crazy too much with my husband. I'd get the "you've got to RELAX!" look followed by a lecture of how if I'm this wound up, it's not going to happen. I know he says these things to help and I love him for that. 

To top it off, I feel like pregnancy is just in the air everywhere I look. People I know are popping out their babies left and right. Baby showers are being planned around me, I politely declined to help plan one for a co-worker, I know, I'm a horrible person for that. I can't help it. As my "would-be" due date approaches in the coming months, I just can't help but notice all the others that are easily getting pregnant and having seemingly healthy pregnancies. It's official, of the 3 couples that were trying at the same time as us last July, all of them are pregnant now. All are in their second trimester. Here I am, still chugging away with my BFN's. 

But maybe, we did time it right and this is our month. Only time will tell. But not for another 10 days!