Go Goose!

First of all, I want to acknowledge how helpful everyones comments were over the weekend. Augusta specifically said something that really hit me and has helped me tremendously. I cannot compare Goose's cycle to my own IVF. Goose is not infertile. 

Of course that's what I've been doing. Though, how could I not? It's all I know. My cycle I had 3 follicles, 2 eggs, none were mature. It was that very cycle that I needed all of about 5 minutes to realize that donor eggs was the right direction for us. I don't have any eggs. The few I do...aren't good!! 

Obviously, my preference would be for a giant basket of eggs to be dropped off on my door step. After making the decision for donor eggs, we didn't consider that our donor wouldn't respond, respond well, or so slowly. But she did. 

What I've been reminding myself, and many of you have helped remind me, is it IS quality over quantity. There is no reason that her quality isn't great. She's young. She's got her own child. Her tests results were all great. She passed CCRM's rigorous standards to be a donor. These are all things to be confident about. 

I got a very vague update today on yesterday's monitoring appointment:

Goose will have at most...10 eggs

She will not be triggering tonight

Next check will be tomorrow

Like I said. Very vague. Tomorrow is my regroup with Dr. G regarding the cycle. This was scheduled weeks ago, before she even started stims. So by tomorrow night, I'll have a lot more information about all of this. For whatever reason, it's like pulling teeth to get information about this cycle. 

I am still scared. I'm hopeful. But scared too. We have so much on the line, and I don't know what "Plan C" would be should this not work for us. 

So I guess I could use a few prayers, twinkily ju-ju fingers, good vibes, "go go ovary" cheers for Goose, whatever is in your repertoire...I'll gladly take. 

This next week or two...is going to be long.  

Good news or bad news?

Ever since my call last night with my nurse at CCRM, I'm really undecided on how I feel about the news. Goose is still cycling as of now. The doctor feels at this point we should keep going. However, as of right now, she has 11 follicles. Certainly not as many as I would have hoped with a donor cycle. 

This is the breakdown:

Left ovary 

5 follicles between the sizes of 4 - 9mm

Right ovary

6 follicles between the sizes of 3.5 - 9.5mm

Her labs were "okay", but I do not know the actual levels. 

So she's responding slow. This was after 6 days of stims. Her next check is tomorrow, I won't get the update until Sunday. 

They were unable to give me any indication of when this could put the retrieval date. As of now, T is scheduled to fly to Denver on Tuesday. My assumption based on those sizes, we'll be pushing this back, potentially more towards the end of the week. 

On one hand, yes, the cycle is going forward, but knowing that we'll most likely get less than 10 eggs does bother me a little bit. We still need them to fertilize AND make it to 5 day to freeze. So it's pretty scary. 

For now it's just one step at a time, one DAY at a time...trying to stay as relaxed and calm as possible. Which really translates to me being a nervous train wreck!!! 

Is this a sign?

First of all, I've been a wee bit absent lately. I apologize. I had gotten so attached to so many threads and blogs that I literally was spending all day at work and at home, just keeping up. My job needed me to rejoin the world, so I've tried very hard to check blogs only in the evening for a few minutes, so that I'm not neglecting my husband and I've left several of the threads I was on. Not that I don't check in with the lovely ladies on there once a week or so, but the constant email notifications that had me scurrying online 20-30 times a day, had become to much. So if you've noticed that I've been less comment-y or wondered where I've been. There you have it. I'm still thinking of you all so often and I AM still reading. Promise.

I guess part of the step back was also the limbo I've been in. I needed a mental break before Goose's cycle began. Before my mock cycle begins. Just to be me. That helped...a little. But as you all know. Infertility is never not there. It's still on my mind, daily, hourly...you get it. 

Last Friday was Goose's baseline. I was only going to hear from CCRM if the cycle was not going to continue. So I waited all day for the phone NOT to ring. It didn't. So we went on about our weekend and on Sunday, gave a little shout out to Goose as she started her stims. 

Yesterday was her first monitoring appointment. I was told they would not update me, that I would need to call or email later in the afternoon (to allow for blood work to be back) and then they would respond. Remember, CCRM is two hours behind me, so with great torture, I waited until close to 4:30 to email my nurse. As soon as I hit send, I headed into my barre class for a distraction. I knew otherwise, I'd just stare at my phone for who knows how long it would take her to reply. 

After my class, I had an email...and a missed call. Goose's appointment did not go well. They weren't specific on this, but said they were upping her meds and rechecking on Friday, but there was a possibility that this cycle would be cancelled. 

I can only assume that after only 3 days of stims, she really must not have had many follicles for them to already be considering canceling. It certainly does not sound good. 

I know that with my own eggs, it would be a different story. They would just keep pumping me with meds to get as many eggs as possible. With donor eggs it's different. They expect a lot. They won't go forward without a good number that they are happy with. 

All in all, I'm numb. I'm shocked. I feel a bit blindsided. After all the bad news we've received these past few years, to my horrible IVF response, the last thing I expected was for my donor not to respond. Her tests were all fantastic and she has a child of her own. So it makes no sense. I have been so worried about my body once we transfer. I mean, it's always been me. Never once did this scenario cross my mind. 

T is out of town, and what hurts was how shocked he was when I called him. He has always been the "it will all work out" mentality kind of guy. Lately, I think this constant string of bad news is starting to really effect that easy going, laid back attitude that I've always admired. Twice this summer, he took two photos on his phone that I went and looked at again because of how I felt/feel right now. Because to be honest...I'm really scared that this all means that someone/somewhere is telling us we aren't meant to be parents.

He took this one downtown Indy over lunch on June 19th...a few days after our failed IVF

He took this one on his camping trip on August 9...when we found out our pregnancy was ectopic.

Do I really believe the that a higher power or the universe is really giving us the middle finger?? No. At least, not really (okay, maybe today I feel like it a little). But it certainly does present a bit of irony. 

You'll never believe this...

But my hCG level is officially LESS THAN 5!!

On one hand, I'm happy about this. I can put the pregnancy behind me and move on to my mock cycle as soon as I get my period which hopefully, is later this week.

On the other hand, my pregnancy is officially over. My last chance to have a baby with my egg, is over. So yes, that stings a bit.

I guess this is going to be a short update because honestly, I'm not sure what else to say. It's a weird place to be for me, sad that it's come to an end, but happy to move forward.

Oh, for the love of all things

My hCG is 6. I waited to go in and test till yesterday, hoping that a week and a half would have given it plenty of time to drop from 16. No such luck, I go back in on Monday. Major, boo hiss.

Trust me, I know I'm close, but 5 weeks to get my hCG down from a measly 179 seems a bit ridiculous.

Today is also a big day. In about an hour, I'll be calling CCRM and handing them over our savings for this donor cycle. It's all due before she starts stims which is next weekend. I didn't want to have any issues, so we're paying a week early.

Pretty anxious and nervous about how Goose will respond. Also nervous about fertilization. Dr. G swears we don't need ICSI. It's hard not to just want to go that route anyway, because it seems like that's the better fertilization rate. He says our fertilization rate should be the same, around 80%. I get it. I've asked a dozen times, and he still says he doesn't recommend ICSI for us, but we can always do rescue ISCI if needed. I should and (am trying) to trust my doctor that works with one of the best labs in the country. We went here for a reason. But still...I'm a gal with no eggs, and this is my best chance to get some, I don't want anything going wrong.

T started his three weeks of no caffeine or no alcohol. Especially with doing natural fertilization, he was told 3 weeks prior to retrieval, to stop both. The alcohol, while yes, he likes a good glass of wine or a crown and ginger here and there, was not AS stressed about giving up as his morning mocha lattes. (Well, and his afternoon ones as well) Poor guy was SO sleepy last night.

Lets be honest gals, for what we give up and put our bodies through...I'm not really feeling all that sympathetic! He can do it. I'm cheering him on and have promised no wine or vanilla chai's for me either these next several weeks that would rub it in. See, I am a good wife.

Everyone have a good weekend. Hopefully I have a good hCG report on Monday/Tuesday followed by a cycle day 1, finally!!

Goose starts stims in 9 days!!!

A good mother

I've been thinking lately...what does it take to be a good mother?

A good mother never gives up

A good mother is always brave

A good mother is strong because everyone around her needs her to be

A good mother is supportive, even when it's hard

So why will I be a good mom? Because mine taught me how.

No matter the miles between us, and for a lot of years, there were many...I always felt loved by my mother.

No matter what my choices in life were, her support never wavered. She never gave up on me, for a single second. Her wisdom and her compassion brought more to my life than anyone I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, or ever will, I'm quite certain.

She loved hard. So do I.

She was by far, the bravest and strongest women I know. Her courage and fight during her battle with cancer was simply inspiring.

I miss her. Today especially.

Happy Birthday, Mom. Thank you for teaching me, not to be the perfect mom, but to be the best mom.

16

That was my hCG today. A whopping 16.

It's funny. I was hoping for a number less than 18. That would mean that it was continuing to drop at the same rate. It was less than 18. I should be thrilled. I'm not. I'm annoyed. That means at LEAST another week at this rate, probably closer to a week and a half, before I finally reach less than 5. 

So...since that's all I have for what's going on with me and my reproductive B.S. We'll move on to our weekend. 

Friday night we had a super casual dinner out with T's sister. She bought us dinner for dog sitting a few weeks ago. Super sweet.

Saturday, we drove down to Cincinnati to see the AVP Cincinnati Open. I'll preface this with my husband has played volleyball since high school. If it's sunny outside and he's not working or spoiling me, he's at the volleyball courts. So we decided to go enjoy seeing the top players (and olympians) play only a few hours from home. So Kerri Walsh...the girl has won 3 gold medals. Had 3 kids. One was just  6 months ago, and here she is...playing volleyball...in the sand...in this:

Really??? One...I've had no children and my ass does NOT look like that. Two...I would never dive around in sand wearing something so tiny around my lady bits. That is nothing but unpleasantness. Hey, if you can rock it...go for it. 

Sunday, my bestie and I decided to switch up our normal brunch and shopping with a little morning kayaking. Okay, so we maybe did a little more floating than kayaking, but it was a great relaxing morning followed by lunch on the water. Then we still went shopping!

Then it was date night!!! Hubby snuck in this photo when walking to the restaurant. 

Monday we had tickets to see Mumford & Sons. How do you know when you're officially over the hill? You decide that the couch sounds much better than being surrounded by 25,000 people and opt to just "not go" and we couldn't have been happier home, snuggled up on the couch, with breakfast for dinner and catching up on Dexter. Perfect ending to our long weekend.