Thursday, January 29, 2015

My Loves.

I needed to see them grow.

I needed to know they would both still be here.

They are.

Both of them. Both of my little loves.

With perfect growth and perfect heart beats. They are, well, perfect.

As Monday, we were 8 weeks and 4 days.

Baby A measures 8w3d and Baby B measures 8w5d. Their heart rates were 178 and 176.

I needed to see that growth from our 6 week ultrasound to now to feel comfortable announcing that there are two. That we are having not just a baby. But babies. I've always been okay with just one, but, I want them both with my whole heart.

I hope they both continue to stick around. Cause I really, really want to meet them.

So many of you have asked about Kelly. She's amazing. She's having a lot of morning (well all day) sickness, but she had that with her other pregnancies and she's seriously, the most awesome trooper.

I'm also super excited that in 3 weeks, I'm going to Texas for our first OB appointment. We'll be 12 weeks at that point and I couldn't be more anxious to see them in person!

I've said it so many times before, but maybe I'll have to say it a million more times before this pregnancy is over...I'm grateful. So very grateful for Kelly, for my friends here, for my family and for my husband. It's not easy to be removed from the pregnancy. Luckily, Kelly and I chit-chat throughout the day on most days. I know her cravings and her aversions. I know how she's feeling. I've seen her cute little bump and as of later today, she'll even be recording their little heartbeats for me. So because of her...I am a part of each little moment of their lives from the very beginning...even if I can't be with them.

So yes...infertility be damned. I feel like a pretty luck girl.

Monday, January 12, 2015

My happy day

Well, in true "me" fashion, this day was not without chaos, bumps and bruises. But I won't make you did end with a happy ending.

K's appointment for her ultrasound was at 9:30 this morning. To say that the two of us were anxious, nervous and excited is a bit of a giant understatement. Either I was having sympathy morning sickness, or a panic attack. Not sure. Maybe both.

So we waited.

By 10:30, she went to the front desk to ask about her appointment. They said, that she was next.

So...we waited.

Around 11 am, her and I both went from extremely annoyed.

By 11:30, they told her that the ultrasound machine was broken and they would have to reschedule.

Que the panic and a lot of "WTF's!?!?!".

Seriously. We've had so many problems with this OBGYN office. So yes, we're going to find her somewhere else for her prenatal care. She called around and I called around to find another office to do an ultrasound today. Luckily an OBGYN office I spoke with said they couldn't do it, but gave me phone numbers for radiology clinics. She called and was able to get a 4pm appointment.

Mind you, K drives 45 minutes each way to her appointments. Not to mention arranging for child care, etc. She's seriously my hero for all she does for us and for this pregnancy.

We had to wait out the entire day after being completely frazzled this morning, but it was absolutely worth the weight.

Heartbeat was in the 120's and measuring right on track!!

We're seriously over the moon and so happy!!

Next ultrasound in 2 weeks!!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Cheers...this is a first

Bad news always happens right before the holidays. At least for me it has.

My mother died on November 18th, 2008.

Our first ultrasound with our first pregnancy ended also, on November 18th, 2011. (Please note, that November 18th has officially been erased from my calendar)

I was told that IVF would never work for me, that donor eggs were my only option in December, 2012.

And on December 20th, 2013 after going through more pregnancy loss and finally using donor eggs...I was told that my best bet for ever having a child would be through surrogacy.

So to say that my holidays have been filled with heartache and loss is stating the obvious. Our New Year's toasts have always been something to the effect of...

"Well it can only get better in 20__" or "It certainly can't get any worse than 20__". And each year, it seemed we were wrong. So on New Years Eve, 2013, we just said..."Cheers 2014, to being married to the love of my life...and it all working out".

Our 2014 started off rocky. We knew we faced an uphill battle. Surgery, our one and only FET, and if that failed...finding (and being able to afford) a gestational surrogate.

There was pain in 2014. Unimaginable amounts of hurt that I'll never forget. I've always tried to put on a happy face. To have faith and hope. But I've been broken too.

June, 9 2014
The day our transfer failed

The day that our FET failed and my husband broke for the first time in our 3 year journey, I really felt true loss. Because we both knew that to have a body had to be left behind. Our child or children would not have my mothers smile, or my eyes. And I...would never know pregnancy.

A few days later...K and I seriously began conversations about surrogacy. Things began to shift at that moment, and they haven't stopped. I will always be infertile. It's not a war I'll ever win. I'll never be "out of the trenches" as we say. 

But that's okay. I have faith that I will have my little family. Every day, I hope and pray that this pregnancy will be healthy and happy and it won't matter how they arrived...because when he or she is here, I get forever. I get to be a mother. I get to tell my child how many people were involved in making them happen. I want them to grow up much they are loved by so many people. 

For the first time...a year didn't end with a whole new set of shitty news. It ended with the simple words, "pregnant". It ended with two amazing pink lines. Whatever I did to deserve this kind of happy. I'm forever grateful.

So Cheers, dreams coming true.

December 24, 2014
Positive Beta Day

*We had a 3rd beta on Monday at 20dp5dt. It was 18,315. Our ultrasound is in 5 days. I do not know how much I'll share from that ultrasound. This blog has become very public with friends and family and we may keep a little to ourselves other than a "thumbs up". So just be prepared. 

But to my infertility blog friends...all you have to do is ask. xoxoxo