Monday, July 30, 2012

Progesterone woes

So my first 2 cycles on Clomid ended with my progesterone levels at 47 and 48. This cycle on Clomid + HCG trigger shot my progesterone level was 24. Of course the nurse said it's a good number and anything over 10 is good, I know this. I definitely ovulated, so I can officially put those worries behind me, but can't I secretly wish the number had been higher??

(not that a higher number means pregnancy, because obviously, my first two cycles were proof of that)

8 DPO and still waiting...

I've been trying my best to keep myself busy. This weekend was good, I rarely even touched my laptop. Figured it was for the best. I can't say that I feel strongly about this cycle working, 8 DPO is early, but I feel absolutely no different than I have on any other cycle. I did go in for my p4 blood draw this morning and should have the results back this afternoon. My doctor gave me the choice of continuing the blood draw since every cycle has proven a strong ovulation, there was no reason to think this cycle wouldn't do the same. However, without my BBT to fall back on, I really wanted to see my p4 numbers if nothing else, but for peace of mind.

I've been testing out my HCG trigger shot. I think today was pretty much negative. I could see where the test line was supposed to be, but even that was squinting. I think that any positive later this week would certainly not be from the trigger. It's a little sad to see that BFP go away, regardless of it being "fake".

These past few days I've been just blah. Not overly distraught over TTC, but not exactly in a great frame of mind either. I'm

25 days till my RE appointment. Not that I'm counting...

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

All my crazy moments

Lets be honest. I am the most indecisive, worry-driven, OCD individual I know. Which means TTC, is just extra difficult for me. Not to mention I'm an accountant and it's my job to make numbers line up. So when they don't, I go into a tizzy. I'm absolutely certain I drive my OBGYN crazy and he's probably as happy as I am that I'll be moving on to an RE next month. I most likely even drive some of my TTC cyber buddies nuts with my constant worries, so my apologies ladies!! (trust me, I'm like this with everything in my life!!) My friends and husband would be nodding in agreement right now.

So, officially today, I'm considering myself 3 dpo and I'm just going to go with it. My temps have almost been laughable. Every day since Saturday, they've rose 2 tenths. So I'm definitely over my coverline now, and hopefully that trend will continue throughout the cycle. I'm going with the advise I've been given and I'm going to forego temping and monitoring the rest of the cycle and just assume that all the extra hormones have it all a little whacked out. It seems odd to think that I won't take my temperature over the next two weeks after 7 straight months of waking up at 6 am just for that!

I was still having O cramps even through last night where the even seemed to be closer to my uterus. Weird. We're going to say that's just residual cramping from a great big, strong O this month! See all this positiveness I've got going today!? If I type it all out, maybe I'll start believing it!

Acupuncture yesterday was perfect. I am just so relaxed after a visit. He also was in agreement with the month off of meds in August if this cycle doesn't work, and allowing my body to gear up for my RE appointment. He was also slightly concerned about my thin lining. Hopefully that's thickened enough that this cycle has possibilities, if not, I'm going to go into my appointment knowing that most things ARE lining up every month and this doctor is going to know exactly what needs to be done to make every single star align for us. I've been told this doctor leaves no stone unturned and is the best in the city. (no doubt considering the 3 month wait for my first appointment!)

I'm feeling much better today and I'm trusting in everything that we did this month. There really isn't anything else that we could have done or can do.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Crystal Clear Signs

I'm OCD, I admit it. Sometimes I get a bit frantic over things and decisions I make. Simple things like, did I pick the right color of that top I like, or shoes. Other things that send me in a tale-spin are things like baby dancing. When to do it, how long in between and when can we call it good? I've overall felt very confident this weekend as far as timing goes. But I'm a black and white kind of girl. I need to see obvious signs. I did have some what felt like possible O cramps on Saturday evening and again on Sunday. Even a little today to be honest. I woke up this morning expecting to see a temperature shift. I was surprised that it remained steady as it has all month. So now I don't know what that means. Did I ovulate or not? It's so stressful. Was just wanting it to be crystal clear so that I could sit back and know that I'm officially in the 2ww. Of course, its' never that simple for me.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

No doubt about it!

My HCG trigger shot was delivered to my door this morning. T went into work for a bit today, so I was on my own to administer it. I watched several you tube videos to make sure I was mixing it correctly. I tried to do it in my rear, but I couldn't get a good angle to get myself to get the needle in. My doctor had said the arm or the hip, so I did my arm and it was a piece of cake. Hopefully that's fine. I did see that most people do put it in their behind. About an hour and a half after I took an OPK and got this...

The test line was so dark on both that I felt like it was screaming at me! So the plan for the day, I just made homemade ice cream for a girls afternoon at the pool. Dinner and a movie tonight followed by a little baby dancing. We'll then BD tomorrow night and again on Monday night. It's hard not to feel upbeat about trying something new, so in my head I keep telling myself it doesn't mean anything...but in my heart I know I'm getting giddy. Lets hope the heart wins out this month!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Here, have a trigger shot!?

I just got back from my ultrasound. I was so super nervous and not sure what to expect this being my first monitored cycle...I had 1 follicle on each side. The right side was the largest. My lining was a little over 5mm. Which isn't great. I started an estrogen supplement literally as I was pulling out of the doctor's office parking lot. He's hoping it continues to thicken and hopefully I'm getting some estrogen flowing in there in time to help. What I wasn't expecting was being offered a trigger shot. He said size was really good and if I wanted they would call one in and have it overnighted to me. My OB offered to come in on Sunday to administer, but I felt bad and asked if it was something I could just handle. I've got the nurses cell phone number, so she's going to walk me through it tomorrow by phone. I'm excited about trying something new, but still worried about the lining factor. If anyone has any advise on timing after a trigger or on the lining, please feel free to chime in!!

Good thing the husband is going out with a friend tonight, looks like I'll have the whole evening to spend with my good frienemy Google!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The good, the bad and the really pissed off!

Lets start with the good. I just got off the phone with my OBGYN. I'm getting an ultrasound this cycle to check follicle growth and my uterine lining. I almost went all "Praise Jesus" on him! (and while a faithful person, I'm not really an "Oh, praise Jesus" kind a girl) Once my OPK starts to edge towards positive, I'm to call and they'll work me in. What a relief it was to hear him agree. Not only that, but he also agreed on my plan of taking off next cycle in preparation for the RE appointment. A month off (of meds, not TTC) should do a body good.

On to my other woes. The last evening of our vacation we had dinner reservations in Harbor Town, Hilton Head. We decided to walk around the marina area for a bit, so we went early. T grew up going to Hilton Head with his family every year. He remembered this singer/song writer that used to play underneath this big tree that they used to enjoy. I had no idea (while I should have since T was a kid then) that this literally was a family/children's entertainment. We walked up and there are tons of kids on the stage sitting waiting for this man to come out. All the parents were on the benches surrounding the tree. It was a little mini concert set up. Of course it's bittersweet for me. Watching all these kids run around, their parents laughing, what a great family event! I want that. I want to be there with my kids. He came out and I realized just how geared towards children this really was. It was super sweet. I was a tad emotional, but in a wistful way. Until he got to song number 3...and I wish I could remember it exactly, but it was something to the effect of "thank god for kids". Cue the tears, please! I'm talking full on crying in the middle of all this. T took my arm and said, our reservation is now, lets go enjoy our last evening (also our 11 year anniversary since our first date). Here's a little sample of Gregg Russell and all his family sweetness if you're curious about what I endured...

Our dinner was amazing. One of our favorites of Hilton Head. We had wine, I for the most part put the song and all the little kids out of my head. Then somewhere between dinner and dessert, we started discussing our pregnant friends and my friend that recently told me she was going to start trying after this month so she can have a spring baby...if only it were that easy. I may have even said that I hated that our friends were pregnant. I've not even been able to congratulate them on the pregnancy and she's 6 months along, I told him that made me sad I couldn't do that. (it's easier that they live in California...but regardless, I haven't)

T started making these faces like he was disgusted in what I was saying. He couldn't believe that I "hated" our friends. Well, #1, I didn't say that. It went down hill from there. I'm crying in the middle of my bread pudding, neither of us are speaking and we didn't, the rest of the night. When we went to sleep, he said, I thought we don't go to bed mad? I said we don't, but I'm not apologizing. He said neither am I. And that was it. The next day we drove 12 hours and never mentioned the night before other than he said he wants to discuss it with our therapist who's been trying to help us (me) with the grief and struggles of a miscarriage and TTC.

Last night was our appointment. I relayed the entire story to her and told her that I couldn't control the feelings that I have or the way I grieve over something I want, but don't have. Her response was MIND BLOWING. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to be around other pregnant women. She said but even if you're not around them you are still in the same position and the grief is the same. I couldn't make her understand that the bitterness I was feeling wasn't thrown in my face sitting with a non-pregnant friend vs. sitting with a pregnant friend. She also tried to blame my "anger" on the fact that my husband and I got married later in life. Like I was resenting him. He know feels like I do, regardless of the fact that has never crossed my mind. Like anyone, you think about all the years of "preventing" but I have never thought to myself, this is his fault that we didn't get married sooner. Who knows if we'd have even wanted to try any sooner regardless! She told me that she'd never seen me so angry. She said that she's never come across someone in my position resentful of other women's pregnancies. I told her that I'm very happy for all my friends that are having a baby. What's hard is to listen to all the wonderful stories of pregnancies that are happy and healthy when I don't have that, I didn't have that. It's not resentful as much as it just hurts. I was so upset by her lack of understanding and support. At the end of the day, I expected to be able to vent my frustrations and thoughts to my husband because if not him, who? I also expected to be able to talk about these to our therapist without feeling attacked. BTW, she even tried to blame it on my meds, as if no other TTC woman out there would have thoughts like this without being on meds...there is a whole forum of people on the world wide web that have feelings of envy over women that can get pregnant at the drop of a hat that are NOT on meds. I'm sure I am hormonal, but I doubt that's the sole cause of my feelings.

The one good thing, as we left (after NOT making another appointment) Trevor was completely falling all over me with apologies and promises to support me and whatever I'm feeling. He was so loving the rest of the evening. He even said that he couldn't believe that the therapist and I were on the brink of a straight up argument. Funny this started as a disagreement between us and he ended up on my side at the end our appointment!

Okay...I'm done venting over that, and I'm putting it out of my head. And to be clear, it makes me so happy to hear about my friends (in real life and online) getting pregnant, whether it's easily or difficult. That doesn't mean that it's not emotional at the same time and brings out all kinds of hurt and despair. Sheesh, after all this, can't I be entitled to my feelings?

On to happy news. Ultrasound most likely tomorrow or Friday!! Lets finally see what's going on in there!!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Countdown to RE...38 days

I have been trying to get a hold of my doctor or his nurse since last Monday. That's 8 freaking days. The first day I called, he's not in, leave a message. 2 days later, he's still not in, leave a message. 2 more days later, oh, he's been out all week. Sheesh, couldn't that have been communicated on Monday?! I was told his nurse would call me today.

Well of course today came and no call. When I finally called (again) and spoke with a front office staff I found out that my doctor is out until Thursday! I'm all for vacations. By all means, but some organization please?!?! Surely patients still have needs when they are out of the office, why no back up plan? I told her that I'm on my 3rd cycle of Clomid. I want an ultrasound. I have concerns about my lining and I'm on CD 8, and I can't really wait till he gets back to get on the schedule and ask permission. What's my next option? Apparently the nurse is back tomorrow and is receiving yet another message from me. Awesome. Is this going to be like the cook at a restaurant spitting in your food for sending your meal back to many times?!? I feel like I'm being such a bother, but I really need to do something productive this cycle. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure I'll skip Clomid next cycle before heading to the RE. This is going to be a long 38 days till that appointment...

On a more positive note...I forgot to mention that I finally broke and read Fifty Shades of Grey over vacation. Not just the first one, but all THREE in 6 days! I couldn't put the damn books down. My husband was a huge fan of my reading material. Wow, the ideas it can put in your head!!! It certainly spiced up our vacation! With O around the corner, I'm thinking I need to have another sexy book in the wings for this weekend. :)

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Back home

I have mixed emotions about being back home. We've been gone for 12 amazing days. Relaxed doesn't even begin to say how I've felt this past week. Such a difference from where I was 2 weeks ago. Hopefully this vacation really gave me the mental TLC that I've been needing to go into this 7th cycle since the miscarriage.

I really missed our cats. They've been SOOOO happy to have us home. I missed my friend, who I got a little time with today to play catch up. Other than that, quite honestly, I could leave again and never look back. I do not want to go back to my job. There is such a negative energy there and I know that's a big reason for a lot of my stress and anxiety these past few months, among other things. Hopefully the break will mean I can go back tomorrow with a new, fresh outlook and can completely ignore the negativity around me. Here's hoping!!

I'm on cycle day 7. Last day of Clomid. I've been pretty lax compared to the past few months. I've still been temping and using my fertility monitor, but I haven't been logging my results for the fertility monitor like I typically do. I'm just going by the calendar in the monitor that says how fertile I am...honestly, anything else is overkill and I'm letting all of that go for a bit! I will do the OPK's later this week. Since in Clomid Cycle 1 I ovulated on CD 17 and in Comid Cycle 2 I ovulated on CD 12, I really have no idea what day O will happen. I'll probably plan on 2-3 OPK's a day starting on CD 10, just in case. I bought the super cheap ones on the internet so I can POAS to my little hearts content.

I'm hoping to hear from my doctor tomorrow, I'm still hoping for a little more monitoring this week. He was on vacation last week, so the day I was all pumped up to talk to him, he wasn't there. We'll see how forceful I can be come tomorrow.

Acupuncture will be on Tuesday followed by our couples therapy session to discuss the fertility anxieties we have.

That's my little update for now. xo

Monday, July 9, 2012

Evil irony

Or just plain evil. I've yet to decide. Today was my due date. Today is the day after my birthday. And as of a few minutes ago, today is CD 1.

Really? It's shit, I tell you.  (this post may be a little more flagrant, I'm sorry if I offend)

I knew this was going to happen over the past could days, I mean I even stopped testing after Friday. There was no need, I knew. Yesterday my temperature dropped a degree. It was an obvious sign.

I am calling my doctor's office in a few minutes. It's time to take charge and I'm hoping he doesn't challenge me today, it would be a bad idea.

Ironically, as annoyed and bitter as I am, I'm utterly relaxed on vacation. So once my phone call is done, I'm going to go back to the beach, put on my seriously oversized sunglasses to hide any tears and to the best of my ability, enjoy my day and my husband. Where better to get through such a day than on vacation at the beach?

Friday, July 6, 2012

BF'ingN. 13 dpo.

No sign of AF, but my HPT was a glaring, absolutely no question about it, negative.

Know what that means? I'm splurging on the drinks on vacay to drown my sorrows.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Emotional Moments - 10 dpo

Here I sit, a few minutes after a phone call with my doctor's office, who had relatively good news. My progesterone level was 48. Similar to last month. A very good number. It shows, yet again, a strong ovulation. However, as soon as I hung up the phone, the tears came. I know in my heart it didn't happen this month. (Aside from the BFN today) I know 10 dpo is still technically early, but I just don't feel it.

I think all of this just really scares me. I'm concerned that maybe there is a complication from the multiple D&C's. T's sperm analysis was great. So that's fine. We DTD 3 days prior, on O day and 2 days after. We got all the right days, just like the previous 5 cycles. So what gives? This is my heartache today.

We leave for vacation in a few hours. It's much needed. Time with just T and I to relax, eat good food, shop and well, lets face it, most likely partake in some very good wine. So I'm taking this moment to shed a few tears then I'm going to try my hardest to just enjoy our first "alone" vacation since our honeymoon. It's husband and wife time. Not TTC time.