Thursday, May 21, 2015

Two Miracles and a Rainbow

*A request to anyone that reads this blog and knows me in real life. I am not ready to share this news with friends and family. So please, please respect that and let me tell this story in my own way and in my own time. Thank you! 

This has been a difficult post to write. We've been through so much heartache and loss and I had moved on from ever believing something like this would be possible. And we were and are okay with that. We have two perfect boys arriving in August. The way they were conceived and are coming into this world is an absolute gift. I can't even comprehend how lucky we are that we have them. And not just them...but Kelly. Kelly and her family are forever a part of our family now. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Maybe this happened because my heart literally soars when visiting Texas. Seeing my babies and spending time with her amazing kids. Maybe that sent my ovaries (and uterus) into overdrive. So I will forever believe that Kelly is giving me my twins, my little miracles, but she also may be giving me my rainbow baby.

Several weeks ago...I got this...

I struggled with how and when to share this news on my blog. I feel guilty for one. Guilty for all of a sudden going from infertile to three babies. That seems way to lucky. Too good to be true. I had given up on dreams of a large family. I was thrilled with the twins because at least my children would have a sibling. beyond what all my post-infertility dreams could imagine. But with that, comes the guilt because there are so many friends that I want and need to have this kind of miracle. I hope and pray for them every single day and will never stop until everyone gets the joy of holding their child. I know how much I ache for that...and I know how much many of you still ache for that as well. All I can say is miracles really do happen. So please, please see this news of mine as hope that no matter how bad things are, no matter how hopeless things seem to can and will beat the odds. 

I also have a history of loss. With two ectopics under my belt, a chemical and a blighted ovum...I needed to be sure before really coming out with this pregnancy. I had four betas early on...all doubled appropriately. But the blighted ovum back in 2011 really did a number on me. With that pregnancy my betas were great. But when we got to the ultrasound at 6w3d...there was nothing but an empty baby, no heartbeat. I was 34 years old then. Now I'm almost 38. I couldn't fathom this being a healthy pregnancy. 

Last Wednesday at 6w2d I had my first ultrasound. And this is what we saw...

A baby. An actual baby. In MY uterus. And best of all. It had a heartbeat of 120. I had never heard that sweet sound coming from my body before. It was amazing and emotional. Not just for me and my husband, but for the doctor that has so kindly treated me so well through all my years of monitoring me for CCRM, doing IUI's and now this...Midwest Fertility I'm happy to say, is probably one of the most compassionate and kind clinics I've had the pleasure of being a patient at. And even with a natural pregnancy, they didn't even question following this pregnancy and absolutely embracing me. These are the people that know me. That saw me for every blood draw for CCRM, for every heartbreaking ultrasound...but never got the credit...good or bad for my treatments. But they are probably the clinic that I will hold closest to my heart for the way they have treated me. They cried tears of happiness for me these past few weeks. I love them for that. 

This past week, I got hit with symptoms. PREGNANCY symptoms. I've never had these before! My boobs are killing me and wow I am nauseous literally 24 hours a day. It sucks!! And I love it!! I can't believe it and I'll take every crappy moment!! For moments like today...

When I got to see "Baby C" and how much he or she grew! At 7w3d the baby is measuring three days ahead with a heart rate of 164. The doctor said everything looks perfect. He's so shocked!! I mean...seriously...who isn't!? He said that if this all works out, I will be one of his most favorite stories ever. This is supposed to be impossible. This is supposed to be a less than 1% chance. We used donor eggs. We used a surrogate. I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. I have Stage III Endometriosis. And the biggest kicker of all, as if those weren't enough...I have Asherman's Syndrome. I'm no where near out of the woods. But I couldn't wait any longer to share this with the people that have supported me from day one. 

And's overwhelming. We have twins coming in August. And if things continue to go well, I'll be half way through this pregnancy. I'm going to have three babies under six months old. It's crazy!! I have no idea how we'll do it. But even though I know there are going to be some hard times ahead of us...I'm so happy. We both are. Thrilled actually. That our family will be absolutely complete in every way we could have ever imagined. 

Monday, May 18, 2015

a day of pure love

I have so many people to thank for giving me such a beautiful shower a few weeks ago. I truly was everything I could have ever hoped for. My best friend in the whole world Jill out did herself and gave me a perfect day. I have no idea how I'd have gotten through these past 4 years without her...and I know without a doubt, that she'll be the reason I get through the next 4...or 10 or 20...

If you ladies like a good DIY blog by a truly beautiful talent, you should check out A Handcrafted Affair. Not only is Nakia an amazing friend that I'm so lucky to have, but she also has quite the eye. She helped Jill with the decorations and styling of the shower and I personally couldn't have imagined anything move beautiful and perfect.

My good friend Lisa Diederich also photographed the shower for us. Something that has always bothered me was that there is not ONE photo of my mother pregnant with me. Not one. And I knew...that my boys would not have photos of their mom pregnant either. I didn't want to do a long maternity shoot with Kelly, Trevor and I. We wanted natural. We wanted the boys to one day see how much love was involved in bringing them into the world. And not just from the three of us, but our family and our friends. I want them to know their story...and embrace and love it the way we do.

Thank you Jill, Nakia and Lisa...for supporting me in this journey and creating lasting memories through these beautiful pictures. Here's just a few of my favorites.

Nakia made and GAVE me the beautiful mobiles hanging here as a gift for the nursery

Jill, Kelly, Me & Nakia

Kelly surprised me with a beautiful Pandora bracelet 

My mom's good friend Kathleen came from St. Louis to be a part of my day

Trevor & his mother

Me & my always supportive sister-in-law, Autumn who came in from Denver

Most especially grateful to Kelly for coming all the way from Texas to be a special part of our day. It gave my friends and family a chance for this pregnancy to feel just as real to them as it has been for us. I absolutely loved having her spend time with us at our home with our closest friends and family. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

This Mother's Day...

This day has so many meanings for me. So much heartache, so much hurt, so much joy and so many memories. Most importantly, for the first time, it's a day of "what's to come".

Mother's Day will forever be bittersweet to me. Even when I hold my babies close, when they bring me flowers and pictures that they made in school, the day will be a reminder of what's been lost.

My joy and my memories of my mother are always in my heart. But there are times that I feel selfish...I want her here. I want her helping me plan for my babies.  I want her to help me with the nursery. I want her to be the first one to hold them after Trevor and I. I want her helping to take care of them when they are sick. To be standing next to me cheering the loudest when they have a soccer game or a school show. I want her to meet Kelly. To meet THEM. I want them to know her. I feel like my boys are missing out on a grandparent that would have been on the floor rolling around with them and playing in the dirt outside with them. She would have been that kind of grandmother. This all makes me so very sad.

But...for me, I will get to finally be a mother. This isn't my first Mother's Day. Next year will be the official "first". But this year, I get to see that light. See that I finally will get to be called the most wonderful title that anyone woman could ever be graced with. Mom.

I'm also still hurting for my friends that are still waiting for that moment. For that light to shine on them. I want them to keep believing. Keep hoping. Keep being brave. It's what will get you through. I want to wrap them all in my arms and hold them tight. I want the pain to go way and I want them to finally have their dreams come true. This is my wish for you.

And to all my wonderful friends that are finally going to be celebrated after way too many treatments and years of struggles. Enjoy. Enjoy every single minute of YOUR day. I will be thinking of you on Sunday. I'll be smiling in honor of your joy.

Most especially, Happy Mother's Day to Kelly. For being a super mom every single day to her four children. And for being the best SurroMom that I could even have imagined for my little guys.