Tuesday, November 29, 2016


I think back over the years of Thanksgivings where I put on a smile, but my heartache never allowed me to fully be "thankful". Of course, I was thankful for Trevor, my family, my friends...but so much was missing. My mom...this was her favorite holiday and she died just one week prior. I also had our first miscarriage on the anniversary of her death. The memory of what we went through that Thanksgiving with two separate D&C's in the same week, is still very vivid.

Last year, our Thanksgiving was amazing. It was just the four of us, with Liddy's arrival just weeks away. And yes, I was thankful beyond measure and so hopeful for our family of five. This year, my heart literally burst with pride and joy. I will always miss my mom on Thanksgiving. But I also try and remember her by carrying on little traditions that were so dear to her heart.

I continue to be grateful for all who made it possible for the blessings we've received. Our egg donor Goose. And especially, my sweet, sweet forever friend and extension of our family, Kelly, her husband and children for carrying our boys. I still hope that one day soon we can do for someone else what they have done for us.

Our Thanksgiving was not without chaos. What day isn't in our household? We had one sick little one. Luckily, it was a 24 hour bug and Casey was back to his old self by Friday.

We're less than 2 weeks away from Liddy's 1st birthday and I have so many emotions right now. Knowing all my babies will be a year and won't be babies anymore. It definitely is tugging at my heart. I'm exited for their next stages, but sad to say goodbye to what's been an amazing year of firsts for us.

A quick update, Liddy AND Britton are walking. Luckily Britton walked a few weeks before her, so he won't have to live with his baby sister walking first for the rest of his life! It was awfully close though. Casey is running. They are all so happy and have such unique personalities.

So yes, I'm thankful. And blessed. And love every crazy, chaotic, insane, and beautiful moment.




Thursday, October 20, 2016

Little Liddy

My little girl is 10 months old. Well, technically a little over that now. But I'm not exactly on the ball these days. Is there any wonder? Cause if there is, there shouldn't be.

Liddy lights up my world. It breaks my heart just a little to know my baby is just a few short months away from being one. And then...my babies won't be babies anymore.

Things to know about Liddy:

She loves her brothers. Most of the time. Except when:

1) They take her toys
2) They knock her down
3) They hog "mama time" (this is a biggie)

She's happy most of the time. Except when:

1) Mama isn't holding her
2) She can't see Mama
3) Mama's boob isn't out

She sleeps. Well, rarely.

She naps at most an hour, two times a day if we're lucky. She nurses till 8:30(ish) and goes down in her crib. Sometime between 10pm and 1pm, she wakes up and nurses again. Goes back to her crib. Wakes up again around 4:45am. Nurses again. Between 5:15 and 5:45, she's wide awake.

So. Mama is exhausted. Daddy is exhausted. We're going on over 15 months of not sleeping through the night. And it's catching up to us. We're cranky, irritable and just generally not much fun right now. And while many have suggestion for us to let her cry it out. Her tendency to make herself vomit within 5-10 minutes of that and the fact that I know, she's crying for ME, and I refuse to diminish in even the slightest way, that beautiful demeanor she has, we've decided that's not for us. So, we continue on. In hopes that in the coming months, she'll begin to wean herself from a feeding or two.

Eating. She kinda eats. More likes sucks on her food and then spits it out. She likes pouches that she can hold and suck on. She's still obsessed with oatmeal baby cereal. Probably because it's laced with breastmilk, but if I want to get food in her belly, I know that's the sure-fire way to do it. Oh, and those little freeze dried yogurt snacks. Her eyes literally light up when I hold up the bag.

She weighs 18 1/2 pounds. (ish) She wears size 3 diapers and size 6-12 month clothes or 9 months, depending on the brand I guess. The 12 month clothes still swallow her. She also wears a size 2 shoe. So apparently she got my little feet.

She loves to push things. Anything. Toys, laundry baskets, diaper pails. You name it. She'll push it. She gets that from Casey. She loves her mama. Her whole world lights up when I walk in the room. And yes, my heart melts into a giant puddle. She likes to play quietly and independently. I love it when she does this. She can be very meticulous with whatever she's playing with. It's so sweet. She likes to drum on her brothers heads. She's standing for 10-20 seconds. Has been doing this for several weeks now, so I know it's only a matter of time before she walks. Heaven help us.

Breastfeeding is still going well. I still pump 2-3 times at work 3 days a week and nurse her the other 4 days and at night. For someone that never thought I'd enjoy breastfeeding, I never want to stop. I can't even think about stopping. So I won't. Moving on.

We recently did one year photos for all three. I thought it made most sense to split the difference between their birthdays. Not to mention October is the perfect time of year. I'll post them in the next few weeks when we get them back. I will say, getting images of 3 babies, happy AND still, is well, challenging. Hopefully there are a few that are good!

I'm busy planning her 1st birthday and I can't wait. It's going to be perfect! Will definitely be sharing all the details on her as the time comes.

The boys just turned 15 months, so I'll have another update in the next week! Stay tuned!!

Here are some recent Liddy 10 month photos!!


Tuesday, September 20, 2016

time flies

It's hard to believe that a little over a year ago, I was childless after so many years, so many treatments, so many bumps (well more like giant boulders) in the road. Today, I sit in a very different place. One that I never imagined. Ever. Even when I hoped that something, anything would work. Never did I believe or even think that I'd be in this moment, with three amazing children that are ours.

It's something I've been reflecting on a lot recently. Maybe it's missing my mom, her 60th birthday was just last week. Maybe it's seeing that my babies, aren't exactly babies anymore. Maybe it's just finally having a moment to look back and see what all transpired this past year.

Honestly, there are so many days that I almost forget that we shed blood, sweat and tears for these little miracles. There here, and we're living this chaotic and awesome life together as a family. But I'm reminded by little things here and there. And I'm glad that those reminders are here. It reminds me to cherish every moment. To be grateful for every day I'm given. To love these three by be present in their lives as much as I possibly can.

Speaking of kiddos. They are AMAZING!

Britton and Casey are 14 months old, Casey has been walking for over a month and Britton, well, isn't. But hey, he's my sweet old soul that likes to do things at his own pace. March to your own beat, B. I love you for it. Their wellness exam is end of October, but all I know...is Casey weighs way more than Britton! He was 25 pounds 6 ounces a few weeks ago. Britton, I'm pretty sure is around 22-23. Gulp.

Liddy is 9 months and is cruising like crazy. At this rate, I'm not sure who's going to walk first, her or Britton.  At her recent wellness visit she was 18 pounds 7 ounces and 27 1/2 inches long. She was in the 50th percentile for height and weight. Her head on the other hand, was in the 95th!

They make my world go round. And every day, I just remain thankful for all the people that went into making my family a reality. Goose (our egg donor), Kelly, CCRM, Midwest Fertility...my friends and family and most especially T. What would I do without these little monkeys!?

Thursday, August 11, 2016

my baby girl is 8 months old

I seem to always post the baby updates together. I decide this time, I'm actually gonna give Liddy her own post AND it's gonna be on time.

She's 8 months old today and I don't know where the time has gone. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was still pregnant with her. I feel like this entire year has been a blur. That makes me a bit sad, I won't lie. My dreams came true in a giant one-two-three punch. There are times that I wish I could just spend a whole day focusing on just one baby. That they should be getting more one on one time but it's just not possible. There are moments of course. Where I'll run errands and Trevor will stay home and I'll take one baby with me, but those moments are rare and they never last very long. I hope they all know how very much I love them and I truly hope they feel that love even if they are constantly surrounded by and sharing their mom and dad with their siblings.

That all said, yes, I'm feeling emotional about the fact that my babies aren't really babies anymore. Liddy has been crawling since she was 6 months old and has been standing since she was 7 months old. I've begged her to slow down, but she refuses. Gotta keep up with her brothers. At this rate she'll be walking the same time they are!

She was at the pediatrician this week and weighed 17 pounds and 13 ounces. At her 6 month appointment she was right at the 50th percentile for weight and 25th percentile for height. However, she was pretty close to the 90th percentile for her head size, which makes sense considering it was her head that caused me to have a c-section! She's wearing 9 month or 6-12 month clothes. She's wearing size 3 diapers and size 0-3 month shoes! Guess she's gonna have small feet like her mama! (I'm a size 6)

The nurse practitioner she saw in early July told us her teeth were coming in any minute. Well, still no teeth, but she's been drooling and chewing on everything for months. So we're still waiting.

She's still a breastfeeding champ. She gets about 12 oz a day by bottle, 3 times a week. The rest of the time I nurse her. She still nurses a few times at night and sleeps in her crib about 30% of the time. The rest of the time she sleeps with me. I'm exhausted pretty much every day. I work full time and have 3 babies under 13 months, so, yes, when she wakes to nurse, I bring her in bed and we both fall asleep. But to do what I do, I need rest, so for now, it works for us. Plus I know she's the only baby I'll ever get this experience with. So I'm just gonna enjoy it while it last. Most people say by the time they are a year, the middle of the night feedings will end. That's really not that far away.

She eats solids...kinda. She's not a huge puree fan. She does like to do finger foods IF you can get her to sit in her high chair. That's a huge giant "if". Because she hates it. She hates her high chair, she hates her car seat, she hates sitting in pretty much anything that isn't your lap or the floor. She only moderately likes her stroller. She literally will stretch and contort her body to keep from getting into any such seat. It's quite comical.

She's definitely a mama's girl still. I'm sure it's because I'm her food, but also her comfort person due to our nursing bond. I won't lie...I like it. She's still such a happy baby, and we are incredibly lucky. She's completed our family and our hearts in so many ways. I look forward to so many amazing moments with this little girl.

Here's some pics of her from this morning...

Monday, July 25, 2016

one year + seven months

It amazes me that time has flown by like it has. One year ago we were in Texas spending every moment possible in the NICU just waiting to take our little boys home. Here we are, celebrating the first year of their life.

And what a year it's been.

It's been crazy, hectic and exhausting. It's been amazing, surreal and the best moments of my life.

These boys have changed me in so many ways. I feel happy and complete. (Even when I can barely keep my eyes open)

Since the moment I laid eyes on them they stole my heart. But seeing the little people they are becoming has been a dream. Their laughs and their personalities can brighten even the hardest of days.

As far as an update, here goes:

Casey is 24 pounds 2 ounces and 29 inches long, though he was pretty squirmy so that could be off slightly. The pediatrician wants the poor guy on 2% instead of whole milk. Speaking of which. He likes everything. I really haven't found any foods that he won't eat. And lets not be late on serving this guy...when it's time to eat, he is ready! This kid is the tidest eater ever. Mainly because he prefers that all food actually make it into his belly. He also is not a Still no walking, but he's a speed crawler. And he walks really well holding onto things, so we're getting there. He has the best laugh ever. It comes from deep in his belly. There is nothing better than hearing my Casey laugh. He's also such a snuggler, but is also very independent. He's the less needy of the three, he's really good at just waiting his turn (unless we're talking food...obviously) He says mamamamamamamamamamamama...and he knows how to clap. But no real talking yet, except for their own language, which I can't quite decipher yet.

Nickname is Casey Bear still. Cause...his bear hugs are amazing. We also like to say "Casey Smash" cause he kinda just barrels through everything. There is nothing delicate about this guy. I love it.

Britton is 22 pounds 8 ounces and 29 1/8 inches. He gets whole milk now.  He also likes pretty much everything but is WAY messier about it. You can bet your tush he's gonna have half his meal in the seat of his high chair or on the floor. Still no walking, he and Casey pretty much are neck and neck with their abilities. He's a little needier and wants to be held a lot still. When it comes to separation anxiety, this guy definitely shows more of that than his brother. But he's also more likely to snuggle in your lap and let you read a book than Casey is. He likes his downtime a little more and definitely has a bubble...that Casey likes to be in. They either love laughing at each other or are horse collaring and pulling each others hair, making one another cry. Guess I better be ready for many years of that! He knows the difference between Mama and Dada. And this guy...is a daddy's boy. He loves, loves, loves his Daddy. He is all about me until his Dad walks through the door. Then I'm pretty much chop liver. Luckily we have 3 babies.

Speaking of three. Liddy turned 7 months. And watch out, there is no stopping this girl. She's 17 pounds 8 ounces and has been scooting/crawling for a month now. She's also standing. The boys were MONTHS behind this little chickadee. And she loves them! She wants to be near them. Even if it means getting toys ripped out of her hands, pushed over, crawled on top of, for the most part, she doesn't care. She's slowly eating more foods. But it's SLOW. About 60% of the time she just refuses. She likes rice cereal or oatmeal (probably because it's soaked in breastmilk. Anything else, it's a gamble. She still nurses regularly. Like every 3-5 hours. Even at night. So she's still sleeping with me. And, if you want to talk about separation anxiety...this one has it bad. I can't even get up to pee at night without her losing it because I left the room. So maybe this is for another day, but would love to get some feedback on how often she's nursing at night and the fact that she is a little magnet to me. Is that okay? My husband wants to put her in her crib and just let her cry. (Uh...yeah, I'm not thinking I can go to that extreme.) But, I am tired. And after a year of waking up nonstop every night...the lack of sleep is starting to get to me a little.

The boys also had to get tubes last week. We've just had too many ear infections. I was super nervous but the procedures went great and were super fast. So here's hoping we're officially on the road to some happier little boys!!

I feel like this post is a giant ramble. But...I posted and these days that's a major accomplishment. I'll leave this with some of the pictures from the boys birthday party.




Thursday, June 23, 2016

11 Month + 6 Month Update

I never wanted to stop blogging. And I guess I technically haven't, as obviously, I haven't, completely. But when I notice my posts getting further and further apart, my heart aches. I want to write about so much. There really is so much to share about my experience, my life, my new normal. But...here I am, a month since my last post, and there is still no free time to speak of.

I never understood how parents could take DAYS to respond to a simple text. I mean, your phone is always with you. It takes like 2 seconds, right? Well not only are my responses sometimes delayed. I feel like I've fallen off the face of the earth to many of my dear friends that I used to text with on a daily (some hourly) basis.

My post my be all over the place. It may ramble. But...it's a post and it's the best I've got right now in this 15 minute window that I sit at work (in the bathroom pumping). Really, that's the only me time I get, and many times I literally tilt my head back and doze. In a bathroom.

And you know what? I'm deliriously happy. We are crazy busy. There are a lot of things that have gone right out the window that we used to do. Our priority now? Eating, feeding, sleeping, holding, working, playing...rinse and repeat. So...an update:

Britton + Casey

Turned 11 months. I cannot even believe it's been that long since they literally stole my heart. And every day, I love them more and more and wonder how that's even possible.

Casey is my little chunk of love. He's knocking on the door of 25 pounds. Literally only a few ounces away. He finally started crawling a few weeks ago. And once he did that, he immediately started standing...and cruising. It's like there is no stopping him. And he's not dainty (obviously). He just barrels right through anything and everything. Casey, smash....that's him...in a nutshell. But he's so loving. If I would hold him in my arms all night long, he would be in pure heaven. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes tight. So we call him Casey Bear still...because there is nothing better than a Casey Bear Hug.

Britton has been crawling for a few months now. And he's been standing the past several weeks. And cruising. He's my little spider monkey. He just clings with all 4 limbs when you pick him up. And he's a little needier. When he's upset or tired, you know, because all he wants it to just sit in your lap. He's started to have a little separation anxiety when we leave a room. His sweet face when he yells "ma ma ma ma ma ma ma" (to Trevor or myself) can break me in two. He's been pretty stable at around 22 pounds. No question he's the slimmer of the two!

Together they are either the best of friends or completely angry at each other...usually over a toy or a pacifier. They are such paci snatchers! Right out of each others mouth. It's hilarious. They love to just smile and laugh at each other which warms my heart. May they always, always have such love for each other. Love, respect and kindness. And I will have done my job.


Oh Liddy Rose. She's 6 months going on a year. (16 pounds, 8 ounces) She watches everything they do and is leaps and bounds ahead of where they were at her age. She's army crawling, sitting up on her own and getting on her hands and knees and rocking. I know it's their prematurity that has them behind, but holy moly, she's determined to do what they do. They crawl all over her and she isn't phased in the least. It's just a normal day in her life to have one brother trying to sit on her and the other one eating/sucking on her leg, butt or arm. She loves them though. And they love her. They stand up on her apparatuses and just laugh and talk to her. I finally started giving her a little bit of oatmeal the week she turned 6 months. Even though the pediatrician pushed for 4 months. I wanted her EBF for a solid 6 months, and she was. She's a big comfort nurser at night. I'd say it's something we're working on, but we aren't. I don't mind. And I kinda love it. So, we're co-sleeping at the moment.

She is without a doubt a mama's girl. No question, no doubts, it is what it is. And you get no complaints out of me! Maybe a few out of Casey and Britton when they also want their mama's lap, but we always make room. She's still my super happy baby. She's content about 98% of the day. She wakes up smiling and goes to sleep smiling. I can't ask for much more than that.

We're planning the boys 1st birthday party. I'd say I hope to write again before that, but lets be realistic. That will be my next post. So until then...