Comfy Cozy

I'll going to make this a short update and will write a longer post once I'm off of bed rest. Today was perfect. From getting up early and enjoying a nice breakfast with my awesome hubby, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. To walking around some cute shops, to acupuncture in my transfer room that completely relaxed me...

The transfer went beautifully. At least that's whet Dr. G said. Just need my lining to hold up! I'm back at my home away from home with my feet up, movies, books and PF Changs. What more could a girl want??

Other than holding this preciousness in about 9 months...

Hopefully this little guy/girl is as comfy cozy as I am right now!! 

Ups and Downs of Transfer Week

Well I've been on a crazy roller coaster this week.

First, on Friday, I found out that I had mixed up the meds I was supposed to take last week. Well, CCRM messed up too, to be clear. They told me over the phone to start Dexamethosone last Monday, well I didn't write it down and by the time I got home and looked at my meds that I had, the only one that started with a "D" was Doxycycline. So that's what I took. I take partial responsibility for sure, but when I looked at my pharmacy order later when the mistake was realized, it was never on there. So I'm going 50/50 on this one with them. So basically I ended my antibiotic 4 days earlier than I should have. They said it was fine, but still, you never want anything to be off on these cycles.

I was told over the phone on Friday (and emailed with instructions) to come in again on Monday morning for an ultrasound to check the fluid again and blood work. I made my appointment, and set off to enjoy my weekend.

Sunday morning I got a call from CCRM's lab asking where I was and if I was planning on coming in for my post-trigger blood work. "Excuse me?" I explained what I had been told and she said she'd check with a nurse on call and they both said Monday was sufficient. Fine. Dandy. Then I get another call from someone else at the lab asking the same thing. Now I'm freaking out. I left a message with the nurses and again, they still said we'll just see you tomorrow.

Okay, so little tidbit of info...I'm a little OCD. So all of this chaos…does not sit well with me.

Monday morning, I show up for my ultrasound and there is a LOT more fluid than there had been on Friday. Not only that, but they were measuring a 2mm lining!! My heart literally fell to the floor. I thought for sure they would cancel. They took us to a room, a nurse said that they would send off all the info and I'd hear from my regular nurse on Tuesday. I had labs done and left.

A bit later, they called with the progesterone results. It was 37. They wanted it higher than 5. So finally, something they were really pleased with. About an hour later, the nurse called again to say she decided to go ahead and page Dr. G about the fluid. He wanted me to come in on Tuesday for another ultrasound and to have the fluid aspirated by him. Gah.

So Tuesday…after not sleeping at all because not only do I have no lining, but my uterus is filled with fluid, I'm pretty much banking on this cycle being scrapped. We went to CCRM, started the ultrasound and were shocked. Like jaw on the floor shocked.

No fluid. Not. One. Drop. Lining was 6mm and there was a triple stripe. The ultrasound tech asked me if I was a different person. She kept asking if I had had a procedure to drain the fluid the day prior? Nope. And…nope. She then went and got another ultrasound tech to come in and confirm what she was seeing. All in all, it was probably the longest ultrasound I've ever had.

They tracked Dr. G down and he said, perfect, she's free to go, we'll see her Friday.

I know that I have many, many of you that are sending prayers, good thoughts, vibes and all kinds of other goodness my way, and I cannot thank you enough. It makes my heart swell to know how many people care about us. My brother-in-law and his wife live in Denver and took us to their church on Sunday night. It was very touching how we were prayed over by everyone there. Whatever the reason for the turn around, I can just say that I feel all the love and support around me. It it means everything.

I still have a thin lining. Nothing is changing that, but things at least look way better than they have in a long time. This still has a better chance of not working…but I actually have hope that maybe this time, I can be on the other side of the odds…the side that dreams do actually come true.

Think of me Friday...this is it! 

Love to you all...

*Several comments have questioned the earlier ultrasound. Just as a reminder I have had fluid in every ultrasound the past 6 months, including the previous 3 ultrasounds this cycle. 

Transfer day is SET!

We made it to Denver! It was pretty questionable with the storms that swept through the area on Thursday afternoon, but we managed to be one of the only flights that made it in without a delay.

Our appointment at CCRM was early yesterday morning and can I just say how awesome it was to be at MY clinic. T usually doesn't go to my monitoring appointments in Indianapolis, so I think he enjoyed being able to actually see what it is that they are looking for (and what I'm talking about) every time I say "thin lining", "fluid", etc. They also measured the blood flow in my uterus, and it looked fairly good. The left side could use a tad more flow, but we're working on that with the electroacupuncture. 

So my lining…that's really what we all want to talk about, right?? 

6.8mm!! 

Now I know…the majority of you ladies would probably be pretty upset over such a thin lining. But for me, 6.8mm is almost a 7mm. Dr. G even rounded up and called it a 7 later in the day. This is a major, major improvement for me. 

T and I spent the rest of the morning working at a cute little coffee shop cafe in downtown Denver. I went to my acupuncture appointment and I really liked her. I had never had electroacupuncture so I really was unsure what it would be like. I liked it so much, I went back again today. 

My nurse called me later in the afternoon with the news. 

My transfer is scheduled for next Friday, May 30th. 

I had initially thought they would want to keep me on the stims to try and continue to thicken it. However, Dr. G does not think my lining will get much thicker. I think his worry is that if we try to get to greedy with my lining, it will start to go backwards. 

So tonight I trigger with HCG and tomorrow I start progesterone. I have another ultrasound on Monday. 

So where am I at with all this? 

I'm happy. I mean, I honestly didn't think I'd make it to an actual transfer. It's been over 2 years of fertility treatments and I've never once had a transfer. It's even been a year and a half since my last IUI. This is my first ART attempt since 2012!! Doesn't that seem crazy? 

My nurse said that she's seen people get pregnant with a 7mm lining. I know my chances aren't as good as someone with a nice cushy, thick lining, but this is our shot. Finally. And I'll take it. 

So for the next week we plan on enjoying all the awesomeness that Colorado has to offer. We're spending time with our family and friends. Some of which are so incredibly amazing that have welcomed us into their home for TEN days. I could never, ever thank them enough for being so kind. 

So FRIDAY!!! YAY! (It's muted excitement…but excitement nonetheless) We're transferring our 4AA embryo. 

Here goes, you know, everything.

Chin Up

My cycle is still moving forward.

I wish it was because things looked great. They don't. But the cycle isn't cancelled either. So on Thursday, we leave for Denver and hope with all of our hearts, that things start to improve.

Lining - 4.52mm

Estrodiol - 530

Progesterone - .70

I start 150iu of stimulating hormone tonight, adding in the Viagra, Dexamethosone and continuing the Trental, Vitamin E and estrogen.

My next check is at CCRM on Friday morning.

I've asked myself "why" a lot lately. I've reflected on these past 3 years that we've tried so desperately to conceive. I've thought about all we've gone through. The pain and heartache that has followed each failed attempt and loss. The devastation of knowing that my body, has essentially had enough. With each diagnosis being just a little bit worse than the one before. I've thought a lot about the ill-fated D&C that has (possibly) robbed my uterus of a chance to carry our child.

It reminded me of the post that I wrote after that procedure last August (Treat it Like Gold). While I know that no doctor would intentionally harm my ability to conceive, it breaks my heart that all of this has happened because of a D&C that was done during an ectopic pregnancy. That surgery was pointless, never even needed…but with such monumental lasting effects. I guess it all just makes me very sad.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother. While in some ways, it feels like that's slipping away, I can only hope that somewhere and somehow, it will happen. In my bones I feel that it's what I was meant to do. To be. And I'm so close. I have 6 reasons to remain hopeful.

So no matter how consuming the fear is today, for them, I'll keep marching on towards tomorrow.

Another Mother's Day Gone By

For the past 6 years, Mother's Day has been a struggle for me. I tend to go off on my own, avoiding any place or function that is recognizing mothers. It simply hurts to much to not have mine. For the past 4 years, each Mother's Day has brought a new loss of another child. While you would think that the pain of such a day would be slightly less each year having gone through it all the year prior, but it doesn't. It's actually worse. The longing cuts a bit deeper a little more each year that passes.

My mother & I - 1977

As far as my FET cycle update, things are moving along. There were no cysts and I started with estrogen on Friday. My first lining check will be on Monday. As long as my lining is close to 5mm, they will start me on 150iu of stims per day and add in the Viagra. 

On Thursday (May 22nd), we'll head out to Denver. My first monitoring appointment with CCRM will be on Friday, this is also the day they could potentially do the Neupogen infusion in my uterus. I could potentially start progesterone that Saturday with a very, VERY tentative transfer scheduled for 5/29. 

As of right now, we're scheduled to come home on June 1st. That gives us several extra days in case things get pushed back. 

So I guess we'll be spending our Memorial holiday in Colorado!! I'll have to start figuring out some fun stuff for us to do to keep me distracted.

I'm trying really hard to be hopeful, but it's hard. I feel like there are literally mountains to overcome for this to even be a decent shot. 

This is IT

Literally. The showstopper. The grande finale. Our swan song.

Today is cycle day one. Tomorrow is my baseline labs and ultrasound to check for cysts. So I guess we'll know more officially then if the cycle really, really is a go.

Plan is to start the estrogen priming portion of the cycle tomorrow and then start the stims on May 19th. If my lining is not responding, they will add in the Neupogen infusion prior to the transfer.

I'm fully prepared to not thaw an embryo if my lining does not look favorable. They're very precious to me and while 6 sounds like a lot…it doesn't feel like a lot when I know I can't go back for more. If the lining were to look similar to the last mock cycle, I would most likely convert to a "Hail Mary" IUI.

Who am I kidding…this whole cycle is a "Hail Mary".

Thanks to a very, very generous donation, I have a good start with my meds. I also plan on being monitored at CCRM after the first stim check which will be on May 23rd. With all that's on the line, I feel a lot more comfortable if they have me right there in front of them. Especially since the Neupogen infusion must be done at CCRM anyway.

Because of our risk of placenta accreta or percreta, Dr. G thinks it would be disastrous if I were to become pregnant with twins. Therefore…we would only be transferring one.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless.

This is it.

This past week has been overwhelming and very emotional. My heart has been very heavy. The costs of a gestational surrogate really has had me pretty stressed. It's not a route that I want to go. Financially it will put strains on us for years to come. We currently live in a condo and have wanted to finally buy a house…with a yard! While nothing is more important than having a family to us, it's also been difficult to know after this, we'll have to move towards such an expensive option. While I know that we'll find away to make it work somehow, I still hate that my body has become such a financial burden on us. Never our future child. But my body…yes.

For now, I'll brush those fears and concerns aside. I'll focus all my energy on me and my body for one last time. I'll hope that my uterus cooperates. Maybe even gives us a sign that she's not out of the running. I plan on keeping as active as I can, cutting out what small amount of caffeine I drink (so long, sweet tea) and my much adored red wine and margaritas. I'm trying to eat healthy and continuing my electroacupuncture. I'm trying it all.

Let's just hope that this beat up, "severely damaged" (words of Dr. March) uterus of mine has it in her to pull through for us.

We're going to need a miracle...