Where do I start?

I wish I could say that I came to Denver and they looked at my uterus and saw a magic fix. I wish a lot of things.

I wish that maybe we hadn't waited until I was 34 to get married and start trying for a family

I wish that I had never had a D&C in August, especially since the pregnancy wasn't in my uterus.

I wish I had never gotten pregnant this summer. It's only caused more and more heartache and loss.

That's an awful thing to say, isn't it? But I feel like now that one time miracle, has taken away the chance of me ever carrying a child.

CCRM was great. As they were last time I was here, the doctor was very thorough with my hysteroscopy. The one in June was quick and fairly painless. The one today took longer and hurt quite a bit more. All I could think during, was I just wanted him to see everything he needed in order to figure all of this out, I would have gone through any amount of pain at that point.

The first problem was my cervix. It was basically sealed shut with scar tissue. So his belief is that the SIS my ObGYN did never made it into my uterus. He was able to finally break through and get his scope where he needed it.

The next problem was the scar tissue at the top of my uterus. It was NOT adhered shut as my ObGYN believed. This was the good news.

The last problem was my endometrial glands (basal layer) were damaged, most likely during my August D&C. These glands are basically what help make our lining nice and pink and cushy.

The plan is surgery. (I already knew this, right?) I head back out to Denver (okay, actually I haven't left yet, I'm sitting at the airport with a 3 hour delay--scratch that…it has taken me 3 days to finish this post) for surgery on January 10th. They will remove all the scar tissue and place a balloon in my uterus to keep it from collapsing. After a week, this will be removed and I will begin estrogen therapy for 2 months. After that, I will then do a mock cycle to again, attempt to grow my lining.

The tricky part is the glands. It's not something that can be fixed. We are just basically hoping with everything we've got that with the removal of the scar tissue, that the glands will start "working" again. If the first mock cycle doesn't work, we will do one more mock. If that doesn't work….

Game over.

My only option will be a gestational carrier.

It was crystal clear how much my doctor did not want to tell me this news. He apologized over and over again. He showed me the hysteroscopy film from June, when everything looked great. It was a far cry from where it was today. I understand now, that he just didn't anticipate that much damage from August to now. I'm glad I pushed, but in the end, finding out a month ago wouldn't have changed the outcome. I wish I hadn't had to force his hand, but that's something that I have to put behind me and focus on making this work.

On to what made my trip to Denver extra special. Meeting Nicki for the first time was truly a gift. I can never repay her enough or even comprehend how happy it makes my heart that she would, on a moments notice, book a flight to sit with someone she had never met before at a doctors office. Okay, I'll admit it, we also sat at a wine bar talking, laughing and crying for hours. She's simply amazing and my life is better to have her in it. Thanks N, you are the BEST!

All of your comments recently really meant a lot to me. I've never felt so loved and supported in my life. To know how passionate some of you felt regarding my care really warmed my heart in a way I can't even describe. I may not have responded to each and every comment, but please know what every one meant to me.

Finally, I just want to tell all of my wonderful friends that are reading this blog that I truly wish you all have very Merry Christmas. Whether you're still struggling and waiting for your miracle, or you are dealing with a loss and trying to start again, or if you've finally after years of trying, finally had your dreams come true…I'm thinking of all of you this holiday season.

Much love,

Suz

Denver...it is ON

My next several days are going to be crazy, so I want to give a quick update.

CCRM received the report from the sonohystogram this morning and they called me immediately. First they called and wanted the reports from my D&C. I offered these back in October and was told it wasn't necessary. Within an hour, they requested that I come to Denver for an office hysteroscopy. This was all VERY speedy for CCRM. Usually I hear from them at the very end of the day. I wish I hadn't had to force their hand with all of this, but at this point, that's neither here nor there.

While part of me would prefer to go right to the operative hysteroscopy, I do understand that Dr. G wants to see what's what in there to confirm the sonohystogram. I get it. With traveling to LA on Thursday - Sunday and to Kansas City for the week of Christmas, I was hoping they would squeeze me in next week.

They did. I'm booked for my hysteroscopy next Friday (December 20th). Talk about a crazy few weeks of travel!! But I'm more than happy to do it. I want to know exactly what we're dealing with. While I'm in Denver I'll be able to have a face to face sit down with Dr. G to have all my questions answered. What a major relief and WAY overdue.

The bad news. T is traveling for work next week and cannot go with me.

The fantastic news. A dear, dear friend that has been by my side for more than a year, though we've never met, is traveling to Denver to be with me for all of this. THIS is why the online infertility community and blog world means the absolute world to me. It has brought simply amazing women into my life that I will treasure always. I am beyond grateful and humbled by how quickly and on the spot she agreed to join me. Expect a night of laughs, tears and red wine!!

When finally turning my focus to donor eggs and accepting all that comes with that and the loss of a genetic connection, I never expected that I would end up in this situation. It scares me to think of the worse case scenario, but at the same time, I've had to...maybe just to prepare myself. But until I'm told that there is nothing left to do, I will continue to have hope that I can carry one of my six embryos and I will try and look at all the positives that have come with this journey.

A major positive...all of you.

An Unsurmountable Journey?

Do you want to know what I've learned the past few days since my last post?

I do have a family that I talk to, that listens and that knows all the struggles that I have faced over these past several years. I do not have words to express what your comments and emails have meant to me. Some of you I've talked to almost daily for months, even years at this point. Some of you I don't know very well...and you may have posted anonymously...but your comments have struck me with how very lucky I am to have the amount of support and love, that I do. I wanted to say that before I say anything else, because really, it's what makes me strong enough to carry on.

My husband is traveling almost the entire month of December. So between that and my struggle with the approaching holidays, we decided that we'd decorate minimally this year. Just our end tables and mantle. It's enough. We didn't completely shut out Christmas, but it's not overwhelming. Here's a picture of our mantle after we finished.

Yes, we have 5 stockings. One for T & I, and one for our three fat cats cause we're crazy cat people. 

After my post on Thursday, I did hear back from Dr. G at CCRM. He still wanted to continue on with another mock cycle and try to get my lining to at least 6mm. I continued to question him about the lining and potential for scar tissue, but he brushed that aside for now. He asked that I have an ultrasound and lab work to see where I was. 

So I was right. I am ovulating normally. The "cyst" that the CCRM nurse asked me if I had thought about having drained a few weeks ago, was not a cyst (I knew this) it was a follicle. I had been using OPK's and BBT these past few weeks and I knew I ovulated and knew my temps were rising and falling as they should based on a normal luteal phase. However, I still wasn't having a period. My ultrasound confirmed all of this. I was at a baseline stage. My lining was (still) thin and my ovaries were  quiet. No cyst. My estradiol was also lower than it's been in 8 months. It was 75. My progesterone was still elevated at 1.43, but that seems to be my new baseline normal. 

I decided that I could no longer wait and see, nor was I willing to continue to fork out thousands of dollars on mock cycles that I knew weren't going to produce a thick lining. Call it a gut feeling. 

I saw my ObGyn on Friday. Spoke with him about everything that's been going on. He agreed that my ovaries seem to be working, my cycles seem to be normal, but my lining seems stuck. He said that he does believe I should investigate what's going on and he offered to do a saline infusion sonohystogram.  

While I have been worried about what CCRM would think about me doing this without their orders, at the same time, I had to find out. My heart has just felt that something is wrong. 

Unfortunately...I was right. 

The saline sonohystogram did not go well. My uterus would not even allow fluid inside which indicates that the walls of my uterus are adhered together. Which indicates severe Asherman's Syndrome. My ObGyn told me that his recommendation is that CCRM preform an operative hysteroscopy to attempt to remove the scar tissue. 

CCRM called me (finally) this afternoon to discuss my results from Friday's monitoring visit. They wanted me to try a special mock cycle. Once I told her about the procedure I had today, she said that definitely changes things and I could hear the compassion in her voice. She felt sorry for me. 

I'm currently waiting on my OB's office to send over the report from today so that Dr. G at CCRM can then tell me what I need to do. I'm hoping he'll be willing to do the surgery that I need. What I do know is I want them to try and fix this before telling me that I need a surrogate. 

My husband is traveling right now. It was a rough day for sure and I wish I'd had him to come home to. I also had an MRI this morning that showed a labrum tear in my right hip. I had the same thing in my left hip 6 years ago. I have hip dysplasia (yes, like a dog) that makes me very susceptible to these type of tears. Awesome, huh?

It means I was told I needed 2 surgeries in a 4 hour period. One that will have me on crutches for 3 weeks and one that will determined whether I will ever have children. 

So when I came home to an empty house tonight, I ate breakfast for dinner, drank TWO glasses of wine, took a long hot bath and have been sitting in bed since 7:30 pm. What I keep looking at is what's on the mantle in our bedroom, that is directly in front of my bed. It's a wonderful reminder of what I do have. Even if he is far away right now...

(My brother-in-law made this for us as a wedding present)

(My company Christmas party, Friday night)

I'm going to end this with another thank you for all of your kind and compassionate words of encouragement. I am not giving up and I am not done. I will move mountains to have a baby and this has not changed my determination. I have 6 embryos counting on me. 

Holiday Funk

More than anything I have wanted to write a post that was not all doom and gloom. I even feel depressed looking back through my last few posts, I can only imagine what everyone else thinks reading about all of my boo hoo crap.

But the thing is...nothing is changing. Nothing is getting better and absolutely nothing is being done about it. My anxiety is through the roof right now. My holidays are shot. At least Thanksgiving was and I'm dreading Christmas. I was angry and bitter and just wanted to be at home rather than with my family who knows very little about my infertility. They know I had a miscarriage in 2011...but that's it. For whatever reason, that I can't even explain, while I can be very open to friends, acquaintances and strangers about my infertility, I can't seem to open up to them. No desire at all. And sadly, I found very little be thankful for other than this man that is always by my side that seems to keep picking me off the floor and holding me tight because he honestly doesn't know what else to do. 

I still haven't had a period. Nothing. I thought I potentially ovulated because of an OPK and temp shift but 3 weeks later, still nothing. Of course, at the same time I thought I could be ovulating, my lining was a 2. So what's there to shed anyway? CCRM continued to tell me, wait another week, then call. After multiple weeks of this, I let them know on Tuesday that I still didn't have a period and the nurse responded with the following:

"I'm so very sorry. I suggest that you set up a phone regroup with your doctor in order to ask your questions. We can get you scheduled NEXT Thursday."

I then emailed my doctor because he's always so prompt with responses. Usually within a day. That was Tuesday night...still nothing. 

I KNOW that CCRM knows that they're doing. I KNOW that they are the best and I KNOW that they can make miracles happen. But I can't help but feel a bit pushed under the rug. My first phone consult with them was last February. My one day work up was in June. Granted I had the ectopic pregnancy that month, but that was resolved in August. I also know it takes time for your body to get back on track. Even still, I've had enough ectopics, chemicals and D&C's to know...that 4 months is a bit excessive. 

My gut, my every instinct is telling me that something is wrong. I've told them this. Multiple times over the past month but I've got nothing. Just a wait and see. 

I spend my every waking minute literally shaking and on the verge of a panic attack. I started sobbing on my way into work this morning. I need someone to take me seriously. To listen to me. I am frightened that my beautiful embryos will go to waste. That I will never know them beyond their current frozen state.

I'm mostly afraid of what becomes of me if that happens. Will I always want to run for the hills every holiday because the thought of being around family literally makes me ill right now? Will I never get over this sharp pain of constant loss that is attacking my heart right now? 

I really wanted to write something witty and clever and enjoyable so that all of you that are so kind to me, won't look at my blog as the girl that can't seem to get it together, but I am lost right now and have no idea where to turn or what to do. 

Where do we find the strength?

Everyone left so many kind messages the other day. I wish I could say I spent the day being completely selfish with just me and my memories of my mother. It's what I tried to do. Unfortunately, CCRM had other plans. More on that in a bit. Few things I want to catch up on first.

Autumn Mug Swap was the past few weeks. One of the sweetest gals and a fellow CCRM'er and advertising worker bee, Jessah, put this fabulous idea together and I was thrilled that we were matched. She made my day when I received so much more than just a mug (I've been in a whirl wind lately, and wasn't nearly as creative).

Sipping on my tea, as I write this post. Thank you Jessah...you are amazing.

We also celebrated T's actual birthday and spent a weekend in St. Louis. Where my mother lived for most of her life (and I lived for 11 years). I have so many friends there and this is where T and I met, but I don't get back as often as I'd like. It's very emotional and I usually struggle crossing the bridge into downtown, seeing the arch, without shedding a few tears. The memories are countless.

I was kind enough not to make T blow out 40 candles. He made it through and seems to be handling his new decade with grace, just like I knew he would. 

This past weekend as many of you probably have heard about, there were deadly storms that ravaged the midwest. They swirled all around us, but we somehow, only got a little light rain and wind. But I did happen to look out my bedroom window and see this. I hope it's a sign, because I really need one.

Finally, Monday afternoon, I came home and found this on my doorstep. My best friend and her daughter, left this for me. Thank you, J, for giving me the opportunity to have cupcakes and wine for dinner and know that I was loved a little extra that day.

So back to Monday's testing. I can't make sense of anything anymore and to be honest, I know I've had low moments these past few years, but I'm struggling right now. Maybe more than ever. 

I don't know how to pray for this dream I've had my whole life, but seems that all odds are stacked against me

I don't know who I will be, if this doesn't work out and my life becomes one that is childless

What kind of wife, friend, sister...will I be if that happens?

Where do I get the strength to move forward even though I know, I'll never be able give up? 

I'm 36, but I've aged the past few years. I feel decades older

Because the last several years have broken my heart again and again. 

I'm angry at the world for all the loss that I have endured. But then I think of Holly, Conceptionally Challenged, The Unexpected Trip and my dearest N and the grief they are facing in this moment and I'm angry and sad for them as well. 

Labs:

E2 - 911 (9-1-1 is right!! WTF)

P4 - 1.64 (elevated...nothing new)

Lining - 2.2mm 

Right Ovary - 20mm follicle/cyst (no one knows which since we don't know where I am in a cycle)

CCRM - Keep waiting for a period

Me - I'm concerned about lining damage from my D&C. My gut says there's more going on here and I want to know what. What about a hysteroscopy? What about a low dose stim cycle to get me going? What about something...anything?? 

CCRM - We don't want to put you through that yet. 

Me - Puh-LEEEZE...put me through it!!

CCRM - Call us next week if you don't have a period.

Me - Flip off my phone and throw it on the bed.

This entire year has been nothing but waiting. Waiting for my body to recover from surgery, from a chemical pregnancy, from crazy hormones, from an ectopic pregnancy, and now a chronic thin lining. 

As some recently said..."we need a win". Yes. We really, really do. 

Lastly, I know that there has been a lot of heartache going around, but there are also miracles to celebrate. Congrats to one of my favorite ladies...Aubrey your news has me celebrating and hoping that above all of the hell we go through to make our dreams come true, it's possible to make it out to the other side. Congrats my wonderful friend. 

I'll end this on another positive note...my most recent fortune cookie. It was funny how all 3 people at our table got the perfect fortune for each of us. Mine especially. 

A day to forget

November 17, 2008

Message from mom..."hey, it's me, bye".

6 pm: Home from work, we spoke on the phone. Her cancer had returned a month ago, only 6 weeks after her first round of treatments concluded. She was on a very aggressive chemo that unlike the first round, she's much weaker, she needs blood transfusions and her breathing is more labored. We talked about Thanksgiving. She had been wanting so much to come to Indianapolis again. I was ordering a hospital bed for her, so she could sleep better while she was here. I told her, "Mom, I'll come there, you know I will". She said, maybe that's a good idea. She cried. I know it isn't what she had hoped for. I told her I'd take care of everything and could tell she had talked enough already and we hung up. I thought to myself...I didn't say I love you...should I call back? No...she needs her rest.

I fell asleep early that night. Even forgetting to take my phone upstairs.

November 18, 2008

T wakes me up around 7 am, he has almost 10 missed calls on his phone.

I rush to call my step-dad. My mom is gone. I collapsed on the floor and T runs to me, knowing what this means. I guess I should be thankful. The calls all came in after she was gone. There was nothing I could do. Maybe she wanted me to have that last night's rest.

A blood clot. It was not the cancer took her, but the effects of the chemo that got her first. After a summer of treatments, she said we'd get to say goodbye 1000 times. She was wrong. There is never a day that goes by that I won't think of the words left unsaid. That I won't relive the moment I chose not to call her back and say, "Mom...I love you".

I've never been much of a saver. I don't have years of birthday cards that she (or anyone) gave me. But I do have the last birthday card she gave me. I read it every so often. This specific card, was perfect and I will treasure it, always.

A Letter for My Daughter 
On Her Birthday

Dear Suzanne,

Think of a mitten and a hand 
or the way tea fills the curve of a teacup. 
In the same way, there is 
a place in my life
shaped like you.
Before you came, 
I did not even know it was there. 
But afterward, I knew
I had always had it, 
this quiet and waiting space 
in the middle of my heart
that you, and 
only you, could fill.
And even more than the day 
you came into my world...
I love you. 

Always.
Mom

November 18, 2011

I've had my doubts about this pregnancy. The lack of symptoms and the brown spotting that had lasted for more than a week. Yet, the past few days, the spotting had stopped and the morning sick was starting. I started to believe that maybe it was possible...but this particular day, at my ultrasound appointment, I found out how cruel the world truly could be. My pregnancy was not meant to be. There was no fetal pole. No yolk sac. No heart beat.

Now I go back to the card that my mom gave me. Because now when I read it. I not only long for her. But I long for what else this card stands for. There is a place in my life...in my heart that only a child can fill. Yet here I am. Without a child. Without my mother. On what's been one of the worst days of my life.

November 18th. I do not care for you. 

We've got another hiccup

My mock cycle has officially been called a big fat bust.

I guess it's time to lay out all the details of the past few weeks. Who knows, maybe one of you ladies can offer up some advise.

October 2 - still no period 8 weeks after my methotrexate shot. Lining was 2.5mm

October 5 - PIO shot to attempt to induce a period

October 11 - Started Vivelle patches

October 17 - e2 levels were 300, patches seem to be absorbing and I'm slowly increasing to 4 per day

October 25 - e2 levels were 1354, however, my lining was 3.48mm. Immediately added in 3 estrace (vaginally) per day

November 1 - e2 levels were 3400...lining was 2.1mm

Mock cycle cancelled and I was instructed to take another PIO shot. I was told that even spotting would be considered cycle day 1 due to my super thin lining. We'll then start the mock cycle over. At this point, I've not had a period since June 14th (my period prior to my ectopic pregnancy). I'm very skeptical that I'll have one since last time I took a PIO shot, I also did not get a period.

I think I've mentioned before that my biggest fear these past several months was that I would have these perfect embryos...and no where to put them. I'm terrified that this premonition is coming true. What would we do if my lining is just kaput? Surrogacy is a whole different ballgame that we can't afford. Should I even be thinking this yet? The last time my lining measured a decent thickness was November 2012. Granted this past year has been frocked with surgery, crazy hormones, a wonky IVF and an ectopic pregnancy, so I realize, there's not been a whole lot of opportunities to monitor my lining...but still.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned. I really, really am.

On a more fun note, I've been a little MIA with comments and replies lately and I apologize. I've been completely overwhelmed planning my husbands surprise 40th birthday party this past weekend. We had folks fly in from all over and house guests for the 4 days...all while keeping it secret!

(not to mention sneaking in ultrasounds and blood work and ramped up on hormones!!)

Well, I'm exhausted, but it was a success!! He loved it and was thrilled to have his family and closest friends to celebrate with him.

40 (almost) and still smiling!! 

Who ever heard of handing out nerdy glasses at a bar?? Regardless, I had fun with them! 

Thursday is his actual birthday and I plan on a really quiet night, just him and I on the couch as he enters a new decade!! 

Too much loss and sadness

It's been a crazy few weeks in the blog world. There's been entirely too much sadness and my heart continues to ache for my dear friends as they cope with loss and heartache.

Outside of the blog world I have someone that is so very dear to me that is waiting for what could be tragic news for her very long sought after pregnancy. She's at her twelve week mark when she should be breathing a sigh of relief, not this. She has meant literally the world to me this last year as we've traveled side by side through our infertility. She makes me laugh. During a year in which laughter has been a challenge, no less. I would give anything in the world to change what she's going through right now. Her heart is broken and there's nothing I can do to fix it. My dear, N...I'm hoping for the miracle that you so deserve.

This makes me ask...have I mentioned how much I hate infertility and the hell that it has brought upon my friends? On me? I know without a doubt that we have all been changed by what we've gone through. I hope that one day I can look at this and know that it made me a better person. Rather than a bitter one. I truly hope that's the case. For all of us.

The past week has been difficult for me to blog about my piddly mock cycle. It's so insignificant in comparison to what's going on around me. I will say it's not going well. At least it wasn't last Friday. I'm still on patches and have added in Estrace. I'll find out tomorrow if my lining has finally decided to cooperate. However, it's doubtful. It had a long, long, long way to go.

A time to come together

One of my sweet blog friends, Holly needs all of your prayers for her precious, Brinly & Jude. She's 17 weeks and her water broke last night putting her babies at risk.

We have all become such a tight-knit group that have supported one another through laugher and unfortunately many tears. Lets all of us rally around her as Holly and her husband, Darren face this uncertainty and pray that God works a miracle for them.

YOU, my dear Holly, are so loved.

I'm Walking on Sunshine

Over the past few weeks I've been nominated by some of my sweet blogger friends, Aubrey, Well-Intentioned, Holly, and Kasey for the Sunshine Award and the Libster Award. Thanks ladies!! I know they probably thought I was ignoring them, but I wasn't...I kept track! I was so focused on our cycle that I couldn't put two sentences together that wasn't related to that. I tried to mix up questions from everyone. 

But NOW...I've got nothing but time!! So let's do this!! 

The rules are as follows:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
2. Link to the person who nominated you

3. Answer 10 questions about yourself

4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award

5. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated

1) If you had to choose one person, other than your significant other, to live with for the rest of your life, who would you choose?

That's easy, my sister. She's 10 years younger than me but I can't remember a moment since she was born that we haven't been super close. She's hands down one of my favorite people. 

2) What do you do for work (I'm always curious to know what everyone does all day long)?

I work for an ad agency. Though sadly, I'm the lone "non-creative" person and I'm nothing like anyone on Mad Men. I'm the Controller, so I just handle the money and HR (crack the whip/party pooper, because no, you legally can't say that to your co-worker no matter how "creative" it sounds). 

3) If you could choose any 1 person to spend a day with  - dead or alive - who would you choose? What would you do? 

I would most definitely pick my mother. I'll spend the rest of my life wishing I had just one more day with her. I wouldn't want to do anything but spend the day outside talking to her. Telling her what she meant to me and how much I loved her. I'd want to tell her about my wedding day and how happy I was, but it was bittersweet without her. I'd want to tell her about all the loss and heartache of our infertility. We'd laugh and we'd cry, most likely with my head on her lap and her playing with my hair. (I never did out grow that) 

4) Who is your best friend?

Jill. Who would have thought when I met her more than 8 years ago that she'd become one of the most important people in my life. We're kindred spirits and we crossed paths for a reason. No doubt about it. Pretty sure I wouldn't have survived the past 5 years without her.

5) What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is just beginning their journey in the land of infertility? 

That's such a tough one. I think I would tell people that decide to wait until their older to find out about your fertility at an earlier age. I think I'll always advocate that from here on out. I would say find a support system. Whether it's friends, family, forums or blogging. You need that. I also think you should never be afraid to challenge the doctors. They don't always know what is right for YOU. Sometimes that means a second, third or fourth consult.  Always, always be your own advocate and educate yourself. 

6) Are you a cat or dog person? 

I love both. I grew up with both. But as an adult, I've only had cats. This little guy is a giant lump of love, and kind of a weirdo.

7. Do you have any tattoos and what are their significance? 

I have 2. One I got right after my divorce when I was only 23. It's on my back (it's small) and has no significance other than it was me "moving on" at a difficult time of my life. 

The other is a butterfly on my wrist. The main color is teal which is the color for Ovarian Cancer. I got it the summer my mother was ill. 

8. Where did you come up with the name of your blog? This intrigues me? 

When I first started TTC, every other day they were talking about the celebrity "baby bump" watch. That was how I chose "hoping for a baby bump". 

9. Why do you blog, and will you continue to blog when (I'm being positive for ALL of you!!) you get pregnant/have a baby(ies)? 

I would love to continue blogging. I started this blog because I wanted an outlet. Just to be able to get my feelings out because very few people in "real life" know or at least knew of my struggles at that time. I still keep my blog mainly private to only a few people that know me. Those that do know me and read my blog, have also struggled with infertility and understand the sensitivity in which I write about. I do hope to continue blogging. It's become very therapeutic for me. I hope that my topic isn't always about loss and grief, but rather happiness and fun...so yes, my goal is to be able to move my blog into a "pregnancy" blog one day. 

10. How did you and your husband meet? 

I actually married very young to my high school sweetheart. That marriage was over by the time I was 23 because of drugs, alcohol and cheating. Not many fond memories of those times. However, when I sold the home I had with my ex-husband, I moved into an apartment over Trevor. A few "spottings" and run-ins at the pool and guess who knocked on my door one Friday night!? That was 12 years ago!! We dated for 10 years before finally tying the knot! 

OK, here are the bloggers whom I've nominated for the Sunshine Award: 

1. Amanda at Genuine Greavu

2. Sarah at Where the Heart is

3. Heidi at Hidden Infertility

4. Em at Teach Me to Braid

5. Erin at The Gypsy Mama

6. Emily at Eat Love Procreate

7. Mrs. Lost at Where is that Bird

8. Sara at The Baby Games

9. JoJo at JoJo's Infertile World

10. Augusta at All In One Basket

So sorry if I duplicated anyone!!  

My questions for you all of you:


1) Was there a particular moment in your infertility journey that made you realize that you wanted/needed to start blogging? 

2) What was your favorite vacation spot ever? 

3) What food could you never live without? 

4) If you could spend one day with anyone (dead or alive) who would it be? Why? What would you do? 

5) Favorite article of clothing? 

6) We have so many tears through IF...do you have a REALLY funny moment that you've shared with your husband through all of this? (Here's mine Tears, Laughter, 180 miles and Little Friday Humor)

7) Your child's 16th birthday present...a new car or a nicely wrapped stack of fertility bills and  bus pass?? 

8) What one thing would you go back and tell your 20 year old self? 

9) You are going on a trip and lose your suitcase. What one item are you going to replace first the second you get where you're going!?

10) What is the best part of blogging your IF journey? 

Feel free to answer any questions in the comments if I missed you!!!

Aaaaaaannnnnnd GO! 

Thank you, my dear Goose

The past few days have been riddled with anxiety. It all came down to these past few days and how many blasts we would have to transfer, how many chances we'd have, would we be able to try for a sibling...

In our heads, we kept saying that four would be good. We would be content if that number frozen had been four. If it were less than four, yes, it would definitely be a better shot than we've yet to have, but what if it didn't work? The pressure would really be on. I would have stressed over it. I have no doubt. But realistically, about half make it to freeze-quality blast. Four is realistic.

Six was what we wanted. What we hoped and prayed for. Six would give us multiple chances. It gives us options. But six, is 67% of nine. That seemed unlikely.

They said they wouldn't call us until today. However, we knew that the best quality would be frozen yesterday and any that they waited to continue to develop would be frozen today. Did I mention the wait has been excruciating?

SIX!! We have 6 perfect frozen blasts! (Quality: 2 - AA, 3 AB, 1 BA)

I am thrilled beyond words. In 2 1/2 years, this is the best news we've gotten since trying to conceive. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, for all of the prayers and words of kindness and good thoughts directed toward my little embies.

I can't quit thinking about Goose. I wish I could hug her. I wish I could tell her how excited I am about all the chances that she's given me. I know that I thanked her in my letter, but even without knowing her, I feel so incredibly close to her. I will never, ever forget what a perfect stranger did for me. Regardless of her motivation, it is still a gift of life and I just hope and pray that my body can take what she started and create a cozy little home for one (or more) of these little ones.

Last bit of good news I have is about me. I finally started my mock cycle on Friday. I did not have a period, but they believe was because my lining was so thin, and they were comfortable starting regardless. So for the next few weeks, I'll be pumped full of hormones to try and figure out the right combination for a perfect FET cycle. I'll also have my Integrin biopsy on November 4th to determined whether or not I'll have to do two months of Depot Lupron before my FET. I hope not...but whatever it takes, I'll do.

All I know is today is a happy day for us. We've had so few, that I'm holding on to this one and I choose to believe that the wind is changing for us.

Much, much love to all of you for continuing to cheer me on. xoxo

Day 3 - My Nine

Of course CCRM calls me when I'm in the middle of my ballet barre class. Luckily, I was taking no chances and have been carrying around a pad of paper and my phone everywhere I go. 

Sprinting out the door to take the call may have been the most my heart rate increased during that entire workout. Well, that and then having to wait till after class to call T, send texts and update my blog. 

All NINE are still going! 

8 are between 6 & 10 cell and show less than 10% fragmentation

1 is a 5 cell and shows 15% fragmentation

The embryologist sounded really happy with the report and said the quality is looking great, so I'll be happy for now! I do know that usually only make it to quality blast stage in order to be frozen. Which means three more go-to-beds before I know for sure how many shots at this I have. 

I may need to drink/medicate myself into a coma until Monday. 

I mentioned this the other day, this is completely new territory for me. So feel free to chime in on what I can realistically expect will make it to freeze? 

New Territory

It's strange to know I've gone through as much as I have in regards to infertility. Yet, I've never received a fertilization report. Such a small step in all of this to wonder over, to be nervous about, to anticipate. 

I was told on Monday that I would not get a call on the day of retrieval. This caused me quite a bit of anxiety. After all the waiting and ups and downs these past few weeks, don't they realize how frantic I am to find out how many eggs are retrieved? Either they don't, or the don't care, but they were true to their word, no call.

I was able to get a quick, early dinner with Trevor before he headed out of town on Monday night. It certainly was strange to send him off to Denver while I stayed behind. He's been a champ this past month. It has not been easy on him giving up allergy medicine, alcohol and his beloved mocha lattes. But he never complained. Not once.

His appointment at CCRM was at 9 am yesterday. He was in and out pretty quickly and I made him recount every single detail (much to his delight...he spared nothing and even provided a few pics of the "room", funny guy). He was also in charge of packaging together the gift we had for Goose. Here's the one photo that I'll share, since I'm quite certain none of you care about what kind of magazines CCRM keeps on hand in the special "boy" room.

 Love this man. What he does for us and for me on a daily basis reminds me how lucky I am. 

I have to thank Danielle, a former infertile that beat the odds and welcomed her son last week, that has not only been a fabulous friend but also helped to create a custom designed necklace that spoke to the connection that we will always feel for our Goose. She created the perfect gift that was personal and one of a kind. Thank you, dear friend and most of all CONGRATS on your little man!! She lurks among a lot of our blogs and some of you may have seen comments from her. She's a keeper and if any of you are ever interested in checking out her fabulous handmade jewelry creations, Finding Felicity, I highly recommend it!

Writing my letter was one of the hardest parts of all of this. How in the world do you thank a woman for giving you a chance at a child? It was not an easy thing to express. I'm happy with how it turned out and I hope it means as much to her, as it did to me to write it.

I also want to thank my bestie, Jill for lunch yesterday. She knew I was in need of a distraction, and boy, did I! No question, I'd be in a padded room without her love and support!

Not to mention, the cupcake for dessert really hit the spot! 

I received my phone call from the lab this morning and it was pretty, darn good news.

18 eggs retrieved
15 eggs mature
9 fertilized normally
3 are still being watched

Dr. G was the doctor that did the egg retrieval yesterday and he said she did really well. Now we just hope and pray and do lots of dances to the embryo fairies that those 9 are great quality and maybe even those 3 stragglers can still fertilize.

They will next check the embryos on Friday and call me with an update. It was surreal getting that call...it was a first and it gave me hope. 

Thank you everyone for all your sweet comments and prayers during this crazy week! 

My Goose is NOT Cooked

I'm way past due for an update. I felt like the news was so up and down it was hard to blog about it because the next day, it changed...and then changed again. So I waited.

I'll start with my regroup with Dr. G last Tuesday. He was feeling really positive about the cycle after the slow start. Even went as far as saying he was thinking we'd get 15-16 eggs. Wha?!? So different that what the nurses had been saying.

But then...on Thursday, the nurse that called with the update, was not feeling good about it. There had been little change from Tuesday, the follicles seemed, stalled. She even still said the cycle could be cancelled. This completely threw me because it was so different that what Dr. G had told me. She said that her next check would be Saturday and then they'd have an idea of what would happen. She said that I wouldn't get an update and only get a call if they cancelled or if Goose was going to trigger.

So all day yesterday I waited. Waited for the phone to ring...or not ring. I knew based on the sizes on Thursday that a trigger was unlikely yesterday.

However, as we sat watching Sunday football, my phone rang and CCRM popped on my screen. My heart stopped. Which would it be? Cancel? Trigger?

Goose is TRIGGERING TONIGHT!!! 

The nurse said that while she was certainly "pokey", it seems she's come along in the end. Here was the potential contenders:

Left - 23, 23, 22, 18, 18, 16

Right - 18, 17, 16, 16, 15, 14, 14

I'm hoping that those 14's can maybe plump up just enough by Tuesday morning. T flies to Denver tomorrow and returns on Tuesday.

I can't believe this is (actually) finally happening. So thank you for all the well wishes, prayers and Go Goose dances you sent my way this past week. Maybe just a few more for good measure? That Goose has a successful retrieval and that we then can have a good fertilization report.

Something else the nurse made a point to tell me. Goose is very sweet. She said it was the first time she had met her, and she really wanted me to know how sweet and kind she was. It made my heart soar just to hear that. I thanked the nurse, for telling me.

As far as me and my body and where I stand, it's still going to be a struggle. After stopping my bcps and having a negative hCG 3 weeks ago, I've had no period. I went in for an ultrasound and labs last week to see where I was in my cycle.

Cyst (small) in each ovary
Fluid in my uterus
Lining 2.4mm
E2 - over 300
p4 - 1.5
LH - elevated

So basically, I'm all over the place. My lining is so thin, it's not surprising that I haven't had a period. However, my hormones indicate something completely different. Yesterday I was instructed to do a shot of Progesterone in Oil (OUCH!) and hopefully that will help to bring on a luteal phase. I may or may not bleed, but hopefully my levels can get to a point that we can start the mock cycle later this week. Here's hoping!

Big week for us. I'm nervous, excited and scared. It all comes down to this.