Our end is here

Maybe not the right title. Then again, maybe it is.

I blogged awhile back about our hope to donate our embryos. While I would have loved to potentially have an open relationship with whoever adopted them, the time and energy to move them, and find someone, was just more than I can do with how much we have going on in our life. At the end of the day, I'm thrilled that they won't be destroyed, but are continued to be looked after by the best lab in the country and are currently on a list for hopeful would-be-parents that are at the end of their infertility journey and this is their only remaining option. While I definitely had a good cry over this, it was right for us. They have a chance of life. And that gives me peace.

I know donating embryos that we worked so hard for is very difficult for some people to imagine. But remember, our family is here because of not one, but two incredibly amazing people that donated themselves or pieces of themselves to make us parents. Third party reproduction is how we came to be a family of 5. So if I can give my remaining three embryos a chance at life, and help other couples the same way I was helped, how is that not a win-win for me in a really amazing way? Dr. G at CCRM also said that while the program is anonymous, he is also willing to inform me when they are adopted and let me know if there is a successful pregnancy. Again, this makes me happy. Just knowing.

I also, obviously don't blog like I used to. I don't text and email with friends the way I used to either. Life is chaos. Crazy, amazing, busy, and exhausting, but wonderful chaos. So something has to give. I have to be present in the moment with my three babes, because unlike the folks that spread their children out by, you know, a year or so, I have to do it right the first time, have no regrets. No do overs.

So I miss talking to all of you. I miss the updates, I miss the comments, and just the relationships I shared from this journey. I think of all of you so often, and I'm thankful that I still get to follow along with a lot of you on social media. I will not close this blog. I've had too many people find it helpful. A lot of my issues were rare and didn't have a lot of information out there. It makes me happy to be a resource to others. And I still welcome the emails that occasionally come to me from women that are in search of answers in DOR or Asherman's Syndrome, Donor Eggs and Surrogacy.

From time to time, I will try to post updates about our little family. I'm proud of them. So I enjoy sharing how we're doing. I also have topics from time to time that I may post about. It just may not be often. (i.e. extended breastfeeding and sleep consults are kind of in the works right now, so may make a good future post.)

two

I never thought anyone would make my heart flutter the way my husband does.

And then I met my sons. Their giggles, laughs, kisses and even there general every day shenanigans
simply light up my world.

The past two years have been a blur. I still can't believe that they are mine. That for the rest of my life, I get to see who and what they will become. I'm honored to be there mom.

And I'm thankful for the women that gave them to me. Goose, our egg donor and of course, Kelly, who carried them when I couldn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of these women and say a simple prayer of gratitude for the amazing gift they have given me.

Britton is our shy, sweet, meticulous little problem solver. He's 28 pounds of love. Casey is the 29 pound instigator of all things trouble. And has the laugh and smile to go with it, to make it absolutely impossible to be stern.

These boys are my world. And on Saturday, they turn two.

Happy Birthday Britton & Casey! 

My Breastfeeding Journey

When I was trying so hard to become pregnant for all those years, I never really gave a ton of thought to breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to try it. But I really didn't set a lot of expectations. One way or another.

Then Liddy arrived and it just "took". There was no painful latches, cracked or bleeding nipples. It just worked. When she was a month old, I developed a yeast infection nipples which, wasn't a ton of fun, but we treated it, and moved on. I made it to 6 weeks, then 3 months, then 6 months of exclusively breastfeeding. Quite frankly, I was amazed at myself.

So we kept going. I decided, might as well shoot for a year. A year came, and a year went. And the breastfeeding continued. She's never slept through the night. She doesn't even sleep in her crib. She doesn't soothe herself to sleep, and usually has to be nursed to sleep at night. And you know what? I'm okay with all of that. She is healthy and happy. I love seeing her sweet, sleeping face lying between us at night. There's a day where she won't sleep with us and I know I'll miss it. So for now, it's our normal. It's not for everyone, but it works for us.

So many people have said their babes kinda just weaned themselves around year one. Liddy is pretty adamant about her mama and her mama's "babas". Well, lets be honest, we kinda go together, so not sure which she's really more into. But here we are, knocking on the door of 18 months old and I don't see any signs of her being ready to wean.

I've had in my mind that we'd be done sometime in her second year. I've never imagined that I would be a mom, nursing a toddler. But here I am. But I guess I'm just letting her take the lead on this one. I asked her last night, what she would say if I said "no more babas"? She burst into tears. Point taken, Liddy.

This is all new and different for me. I don't have friends that nursed this long and while no one has said anything to me (friends or family) in a negative way, I know they are somewhat surprised that it's still going.

My breasts went from a 32D to a 32G by week 12 of my pregnancy and they have pretty much stuck there. So, trust me, if she were done, I wouldn't argue. I'll probably be knocking on the door of a plastic surgeon begging for a reduction when it's all over with.

She's the only baby I will ever carry. The only baby I'll ever get to breastfeed. Shouldn't I just try and have as few of regrets as possible during this most precious time in her life?

My littles are quickly approaching 18 months and 2 years old. I know I don't blog often anymore. With three toddlers, the time is just not there anymore. But, I do hope for updates over the next few months, so stay tuned! 

She's ONE. (yes, I realize this post is almost TWO months late)

I'm long overdue on this post. It's shameful really. I never even did a ONE year post for Liddy. Actually, that's a lie. I started one like twice, but never finished and never posted it. But, the struggle is REAL to actually do anything other than keep three tiny humans alive. And I'm managing that, so we'll call it a win.

My little Liddy Rose. They don't get much sweeter, much happier, and more of a delight than this little one. Our world maybe filled with chaos and very little sleep, but wow, I wouldn't want it any other way, because my world would not be the same without her. Our trio was simply meant to be ours.

Here's what's new with her:

She weighs 19 1/2 pounds and is in the 50th percentile. She started walking around 11 months, and since she's been watching her brothers for so long, once she started, she was really good at it! She currently has 3 teeth, with 2 more about to pop through. She was definitely on the later end on getting teeth, but so was I apparently. Her feet are tiny, well, she's pretty little in general, so I guess that makes sense. She still wears a lot of 6-12 months. Most 12-18 month brands are huge on her. She's just now fitting into some size 3 shoes. Interesting considering how long she's been walking and how hard it is to find shoes with soles smaller than a 4. She says moo, mama, dada and (kinda) tickle. It comes out "ticka ticka ticka" whilst proceeding to tickle us or her brothers. Oh, and she roars. She LOVES books. Probably more than the boys do. At least, she has more patience to sit and finish a book. She still naps 2x a day and sleeps sorta, at night. Mostly in our bed and she nurses 3-4 times per night. Usually for comfort. It's what works for us, so I go with it. She's a happy, healthy baby. She eats fairly well. Maybe not quite like her brothers do, but I can't complain.

I had a lot of emotions going into her 1st birthday. This little girl still astounds me every single day and I struggle to really believe that she's mine. I have from the very beginning. I don't know how or why I was blessed with such an amazing miracle, but from the bottom of my heart I am grateful, every single second of every day.

Here are a few snaps from her "Winter ONEderland" birthday party.

My dearest baby girl. You are so so loved.