Thursday, November 29, 2012

Fast forward, please?

One would normally think I'm wanting to fast forward through the two week wait. Of course, I do want that. I'm anxious to know if our efforts this month have worked. But actually, I haven't been thinking or stressing about the 2ww as much this time. Whether it's stress from other places or just being so f'ing busy at work and life in general, I really just want to fast forward to some relative calmness and peace in my life.

This week has been crap. Everything happened so fast last week and I was so hyped up on the good response that this week has really been well, a huge let down. My emotions are going from such highs and lows, I can't really keep up...and it's draining.

Of course, this is the point in my cycle, where I try to avoid alcohol, just in case. However, I need a gigantic glass of wine in all kinds of desperate ways right now. It's weeks like these that I wonder how much longer I can stay in this game. Is all of this going to be worth it if my mental health doesn't survive?

Trying to keep the faith, but this week has been very, very hard on so many levels.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Officially in the 2ww!

The past 5 days has been a complete whirlwind. I can't believe how fast the holiday weekend flew by and that it's back to work tomorrow.

I think I last left off with, "holy cow, it's 9 dpo and I'm triggering" post. We went in on Thursday morning with T's sample firmly situated between bra and boob for our IUI. We were one of two couples that they were seeing that day. So should they have mixed up the sperm, I guess we'll know who they mixed it up least this was how we chose to joke about our early Thanksgiving adventure. Once we got back there, they were in and out in 30 seconds. The nurse kept saying how great the catheter went in and I didn't have any cramps during or after. We also found out that T's "contribution" prewash was a whopping 244 MILLION! Big high five to my awesome guy. Post wash was 51 million and 90% motility. So they definitely took the strongest and fastest! I was home in time to make my mother's sweet potato biscuits all before lunch. 

This was one of the first holiday's that we haven't traveled to see family. Mainly because we knew we'd be traveling over Christmas, so next month won't be a medicated cycle. For Thanksgiving, we went to a close friends mother's house for a fantastic dinner. I was a little nervous because, well, there were almost more children than their were adults. Luckily all the kids were over the age of 4 and didn't really strike my overly sensitive baby radar. I actually really enjoyed playing card games and having tea parties with the kids. I came home with 4 more homemade necklaces and bracelets than I had than when I left that morning. The funny thing was that there were TWO sets of twins and one other boy that had been conceived via fertility treatments. One of the ladies even saw my RE and raved about him. Her son is now 10 years old. T went to a bar with the guys for an hour or so and said they were trying to get him to take shots and he finally broke down and said he wasn't drinking because he had to give a sample the next day, he said every guy there, groaned and said, oh yeah, we've been there. Why is it that SO many people have these kind of issues these days?! 

Friday morning I got up at 7 am, so that I could hit the mall. I was there at 8 am when they opened and hit Anthropologie, Saks and Crate and Barrel. Score!! I was home by 9:15, a full hour before we had to leave for the RE's office again. Of course, the same couple was there again for their second IUI...too funny, we had a nice nod and laugh as they entered the waiting room. The actual IUI went super fast again and T's sperm count was almost the same as the day before. 234 million prewash, 44 millions post. Another job well done. We left, had lunch and went to see Silver Linings Playbook. Loved it! It was so good. We went out for hibachi with T's sister for dinner and had a great time! We ended a perfect day with a little baby dancing! Finally! Since I had been on AF almost up until my u/s on Wednesday, it had been almost 2 weeks. Saturday, we went to see Lincoln. Tis the season to see movies, right!? After that, we went home decorated our tree and spent the evening in front of the fire watching tv. Another fantastic day! (including more baby dancing!)

Sunday, more baby dancing. I'm pretty sure, the bases are covered! He's officially on a break. I start taking my progesterone supplement tomorrow and go in for my p4 test next Monday. Beta would be the following Monday.

I'll leave you with a little pic of the oldest and the boss of our house, Sidney. Our cats, LOVE Christmas because it means they get to sleep under the Christmas tree. 

Here we last 2ww of 2012. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Say what?! Like, WHAT?!

Wow. What a day this has been. I'm hoping it was my low point this weekend that had the IF Gods (as BFF JB calls them) taking notice and smiling down on me today. My hope is...they continue to do so.

Cycle Day 9 Recap:

I started off with an early morning acupuncture appointment. I then raced to my ultrasound appointment, already resigned to the fact that my lining would be thin. With Thanksgiving tomorrow they were doing the u/s on cycle day 9 instead of the normal cycle day 10. So I'm expecting maybe a few small follicles and the IUI's most likely being scheduled over the weekend, at the earliest.

Boy was I dead wrong!
First of all, my lining was 9mm!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?! I've never had a lining thicker than 6! So before I could remove my jaw from the floor, I found out about my follies:

Left Ovary: 29x17, 22x16
Right Ovary: 23x17

My LH was 12, so the doctor called me with those results at 2:30 today and told me to take my Ovidrel at 3 pm. What a perfect excuse to start my holiday weekend a few hours early and get a jump start on traffic! Trigger is now done and I'm already in my comfy pants!

IUI #1 - We have to have Mr. T's sample at the office by 8 am. My IUI will be around 9 am.
IUI #2 - Mr. T will have his sample at the office at 10:30 am, IUI following.

Taking turkey bastering on Thanksgiving to a whole new level, eh?!

YAY! I finally feel confident! Lining. Check. Follies. Check. Trigger. Check. 2 IUI's CHECK! Now I know that this certainly doesn't mean it will work. But I'm so very happy that things are at least lining up. Today I have hope that even if this isn't the's going to happen, we'll get there. What a huge difference from how sad and lost I felt last Thanksgiving which fell only 4 days after my D&C.

Happy Happy Thanksgiving to all of you lovely ladies whether you have your miracle sitting in your lap, whether you recently got your BFP, or are still on the journey. Hugs to all of you.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

My cruel universe

So this weekend is my low point. I keeping wishing these few days off of my calendar for good, so far, no such luck.

4 years ago, at 6 pm, on November 17th, I chatted with my mom on the phone about Thanksgiving. We talked about us coming to her instead of her coming to our house, she wasn't feeling well. The next morning I woke up to find that my mom was gone, she had died at 1:30 am, November 18th. Most likely a blood clot caused by the chemo she was taking.

I am her only child. So there isn't anyone to share the loneliness of this day. So as everyone else moves on with their lives, here I am, remembering what November 17th and 18th means to me.

Last fall, I was pregnant. I was scheduled to see the heart beat of our baby on November 18th. I remember telling T a few days before the appointment that everything had to be fine. The universe wouldn't be that cruel.

Unfortunately, I underestimated the universe. That was the day that we found out about our blighted ovum, that lead to our subsequent D&C's and ultimately, on the journey that we are still on.

November 18th, is not my friend. I don't even want to acknowledge it. Especially since even after all of that, I believed that a BFP would still happen. So many times over those difficult months, my husband told me, don't worry, 2012 will be our year. Here we are, November 18th and this has been far from our year. Don't get me wrong. T has certainly gave me many happy moments, but at the end of the day, I feel lost. Lost without my mother to help me through these struggles and lost with the constant disappointment month after month of that negative pregnancy test.

I remember a time, very recent, that each month, I had such high hopes of a BFP. I think the worst part of where I am right now, is that I no longer have those hopes or expectations. Right now, I miss that hope. I miss that I should have a 4 month old right now. I miss my mom.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

We're a the skin of our teeth

Such a weird saying...teeth don't have skin. I only thought of that after seeing it typed out.

Today did not get off to a good start. Went in for my baseline u/s and had a cyst on my left ovary that was concerning. They did blood work to check the estrogen levels to make sure that cyst wasn't putting off high levels. If it was, this cycle would be out and let me tell you, I would have been one unhappy, ranting, kicking and screaming blogger.

She just called. The doctor likes the levels to be less than 50 to continue forward with the cycle. My level was 48 so apparently the doctor said we're good to go.

I mean, I know I let off a huge sigh of relief. I was all prepared to tell them lets just get on with the Laporoscopy and start again next year. Thank goodness we get one more shot before we move on to the diagnostics.

So the plan is:

Femara 5mg - Cycle days 2-6
Gonal-f 75ml - Cycle days 6-10

Ultrasound on cycle day 9 (since Thanksgiving is on cd 10) then determined which day I'll be triggering and which days we'll be going in for the IUI's since we're doing back to back this cycle. The nurse was assuming sometime between Friday and Sunday.

So I guess for today, I'm really thankful that I at least get a shot this month.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Highs and Lows of Hell

It's been a while since I updated (at least by my standards). I think a big reason for that is just where I've been emotionally the past week. Each time I've logged into write a post, I've started, then stopped. I don't want my blog to always be gloom and doom. I want it to be cute, funny, sweet and yes, a little gloomy. The past few weeks, I've felt pretty dark. I've been bitter, angry, frustrated and sad. Not just in regards to TTC, but just in general, to friends and family. I always knew that this journey can take you to some low places and I think I hit mine. (Lets hope that was the low, sheesh!) So now that I've gotten that off my chest, lets move on, shall we!?

So yesterday, 18 dpo, I finally got AF. It's crazy how you dread for her to show up for most of the month, but then it gets to a point where I'm literally pleading with the inside of my toilet bowl to show signs she's here. Once she's here, I get to move ON! So, here we are officially cycle day 2.

Now lets get to the drama that happened when she arrived. I called my RE's office and spoke to the nurse. Since this was starting mid-afternoon, she said, oh, just call me tomorrow when you have full flow for a day and dismissed me, hanging up quickly. I have been in a panic since that call. Here's why: 

(TMI warning)

Ever since I was on Clomid May-July, I haven't had a normal period. It starts on cd 1, where I will go tinkle, and there will be blood that will drip in the toilet and when I wipe. I will not need a tampon, pad or liner, because once I'm off the toilet, it doesn't do anything until I need to tinkle again, then repeat, and so forth. CD 2, will be spotting to very light, again only when I'm tinkling and wiping. This will continue through cd 3-5. These are my cycles. They're very consistent. So...

Today I called again, at the brink of tears, basically saying I need someone to listen to me. My cycles aren't normal and I believe this could be my biggest issue, relating to lining and so forth. Every cycle they've said that on Letrozole (Femara) you don't need as thick of lining, but maybe that's people that have normal lining to begin with. They've poo-poo'd my request for estrogen supplements. Well finally, after a long conversation with the nurse, I think she finally understands. Which means...

Yesterday was cycle day 1. Tonight I start the Femara and tomorrow morning I go in for my baseline u/s. They want to see if my lining is thick or thin, confirming whether this is truly the only period I'm going to get. They are also going to test my estrogen. Finally, they are listening to me! 

So I do feel better today. I'm still nervous that this won't work regardless and I ultimately need to Laporoscopy and Hysterscopy procedure to really move forward, but at least I know that if this cycle doesn't work, that's the next move. 

Lastly, can I just give the biggest cyber hug to my husband for putting up with my crazy these past few months. Who knew I married a saint?! (I'm sure I'll feel differently once I'm back on my progesterone supplement)

Thursday, November 8, 2012

IUI Cycle...take 2.

I'm super late in posting a new update. It's been over a week! My job has been incredibly insane lately. By the time I get home from work, I've had no desire to be on the computer. Hate when work starts effecting my social life/blog in such a way! Things have been really good the past week and a half.

First, I got fantastic news from on of my cyber TTC longtime buddies that her first IUI worked! She got a BFP last weekend and I'm beyond thrilled for her. It's funny how hearing some women get pregnant can make you feel bitterness, but then there are others that really just give me hope. This was definitely one of the latter and I wish her a very health and happy 9 months!

As for how my "off cycle" went, unfortunately, it was a BFN. I've discontinued my Prometrium, so AF should be here this weekend. Where's the good news in all of this?! I'm on to cycle number 2. Lets take a "perfect cycle" and make it a perfect BFP! That's my goal for the month. Considering I will very likely be getting one of my IUI's on Thanksgiving, it would most certainly give me something to be thankful for. So I'm going into this cycle thinking the very best.

Based on the results of last cycle, I will be doing the same protocol. Femara/Gonal-f/Ovedril and then back to back IUI's. I'm concerned about my lining. That's really where I think my issue is and would love to have a nice fat lining for once. Come on, give a girl a break, just once!