Friday, August 24, 2012

Sex-on-Demand be gone!

First of all, my first RE appointment was everything I hoped it would be. Of course, we were running late due to road closures and one way streets and anything else that could pop up in the way, which just sent me into a frantic tizzy. T was driving like a maniac! We made it up there, and of course sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes and then we sat in the consultation room for another 20ish minutes. Seriously, I was shaking so bad. I couldn't believe that T was sitting there reading/laughing at the jokes in the Readers Digest! I couldn't concentrate on anything! I had all my papers in front of me. Questions, charts, spreadsheet, all of it. Then, in walks Dr. J.

This guy was awesome. T loved him. He just walked in, shook our hands, sat down and said "go". Oh great, put it all on me. I mean I was hoping to be lead a little before throwing out all my crazy info to him!! So I started at the beginning. We told him about being together for 11 years, but only married for a little over 1. We told him about the ectopic we experienced while on the Mirena IUD a few months before our wedding. His response to that was "wow, that's pretty hard to do", my response was yes, yet here we sit. I told him about waiting 3 months after the metrotrexate injection and a month after our wedding to begin ttc. About how my cycles were 40ish days (having to use Provera) and then ultimately being given Letrozole in October of last year, only to find out the cycle before I started that, I was pregnant. I told him about the spotting during my pregnancy, and then of course about the ultrasounds that showed only a sac. I then told him about the botched d&c that didn't remove the pregnancy that sent us on a wild goose chase at the ER over Thanksgiving weekend only to have another d&c only 5 days after the first. I told him it took 9 1/2 weeks for my next cycle to begin.

We told him about T's SA. How his count wasn't low, but were slightly less than average, still doctors all said more than enough to get pregnant. We told him about the mental "issues" that have come with baby dancing on a schedule. How difficult that's been for us (especially him) and the anxiety that has caused him (and me). His response? SEX ON DEMAND!! It's so completely normal. He told T, we're done with you. You're FINE! My heart just about overflowed with joy for T. I can't even tell you how stressed he's been about the performance issue.

I then told him about my last 7 cycles. They seemed more normal. As far as they were less than 30 days, but they had short LP's. I finally took my Letrozole and it was only a 23 day cycle so when my OB suggested Clomid, I jumped at it. (wince) I told him that the second I was prescribed the Clomid, I call his office and made my appointment, only to be told it would be 3 1/2 months away. So I did the Clomid. I struggled through 2 cycles of unmonitored Clomid. He was shocked my side effects, emotionally and hot flashes, weren't worse than they were. I told him of my concern for my lining and how I pushed so hard to finally be monitored that 3rd and final cycle. BTW, why doesn't my OB know that I'm too skinny for Clomid? I mean how can simple things like that be missed between 2 types of doctors that are so closely related?! Food for thought...moving on. He asked how I knew to be concerned. I told him, that I've learned the hard way through people I love, being in my shoes before me. I told him about the u/s that showed that my lining was indeed only 5mm last month, but my ovulations on Clomid were so strong. I told him about the HCG trigger, but the lining just never got there. Finally I told him about this cycle. How I had decided no meds, but that it seemed like nothing was happening. He asked how I wanted to start. I told him well, I really want to know what's going on right now...his response, well, lets go get an ultrasound. And we did.

And guess what? I was right. Absolutely NOTHING was going on with my ovaries. So glad I spent a week and a half peeing on OPK's 3x a day! Even worse, my lining didn't thicken. It was even more thin than last month. 4.5mm. Wow.

Back to the consultation room we went. Dr. J told us to consider this cycle a vacation. He ordered blood work. Prolactin and thyroid screen, I went this morning for my blood draw for that. I was given a prescription for Letrozole (Femara) that I will take on my next cd 2-6. After that, I'll begin FSH injections with an u/s on cd 10. A HCG trigger shot will then be given and after T makes his contribution, we'll do an IUI.

NO MORE SEX ON DEMAND (from here one out, better known as SOD!). We couldn't decide if we felt guilty or giddy over not making a baby the old fashion way. I can tell you with 100% certainty, the giddy definitely won over the guilty.

So Dr. J called me Miss Well-Informed multiple times. It was pretty funny, and even though he glanced at the BBT charts, I was happy that he did take interest in my spreadsheet!! He then told me, no more monitors, no more temping and no more OPK's. I no longer need them. He will already know all of this for me. Wowsers. My second huge sigh of relief of the day. I don't even know what it will feel like not to have to POAS or cup the majority of my cycle. I wonder how long it will take for my body to stop automatically waking up between 6 and 6:30 am for a temp/monitor reading. Yay. Yay. Yay.

I asked how many of each treatment will we do before moving on. He said only 2 and we'll take a month off in between. Because of my ectopic and past endometriosis, he normally would have done a laporoscopy before anything else. The fact that we got pregnant since, he's going to push that off. If after 2 IUI's we are not pregnant, we will go straight to the laporoscopy before moving on to the next treatment. Unfortunately he did throw out the, "because your 35" it will be a 20% chance. Whatev. I'm a super young 35!!

Holly Moses, it's a plan AND it's a detailed, well thought out plan that is out of my hands. I feel relieved. T & I are thinking about celebrating by having just plain old sex this weekend. No baby dancing, no doing the deed. In my doctor's words "if you're horny, have sex"!

Now that's a brilliant idea.

Lastly, I want to thank all my FRIENDS that follow me from BBC & Ovagraph for sending me your thoughts, encouragement, laughter and strength through your comments and emails. I don't know how'd I'd get through any of this without you all. There is most definitely a time for us to have our day, and I will hope and pray that it happens very soon for us all. I will be cheering you all on, just as hard as you have cheered me on. Lastly, thank you to JB, my one and only follower that knows me in "real" life. What else can I say but where in the world would I be without you. we come.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

August 23rd. My turn?

I fear that I've put so much into this day that I'll still be disappointed in the end. Maybe it's been all of the build up over the last 3 1/2 months. After all, that's the longest I've ever had to wait to get in to a doctor before. Month after month I hoped that I'd be able to cancel today's appointment. Month after month, I didn't. Now as I sit here, 6 hours to go until I meet the man that I hope more than anything will give us the one thing that we don't have, but want more than anything. I'm full of emotions. I'm nervous, anxious, and scared. I'm frightened of the why's. I'm anxious to start treatment, any treatment and I'm nervous that even after all of the waiting, this too, won't work, or maybe it will, and then I'll move on to a whole other set of worries.

I think I'm set. I've gone over and over my paperwork. It seems it's all complete. There are no more blanks, nothing more I can add. I've printed 8 months of charts. I've even created a spreadsheet that's more of a snap shot of my cycles and meds that I've done. I also included everything that happened in my pregnancy last fall. The HCG numbers each week, the d&c(s), and how long it took for the numbers to go down. It's all there. I've even got a sheet full of questions that I know I'll be too nervous to ask. But I'll have them there in front of me, just in case. T is going with me. Thank goodness. (and yes, I even have his SA analysis in my little packet of goodies)

Still no ovulation this month. It's strange. In all the months since my d&c, I've ovulated. The latest day I've ever ovulated was cd 17 in these 8 months. Most often on cd 14ish. Now, I'm cd 18. My hope is that he'll do an ultrasound to confirm, deny, or verify what's going on. My opk's barely even show a hint of a line.

I'm sure I'll post later after my appointment, once I've wrapped my head around everything that I'm told. For now, I'm going to try my best to get through these next 6 hours...

Monday, August 20, 2012

Cycle bust or just all over the place?

Either way, it's driving me to bitchy-ness. I'm now on cd 15 and my opk's are not evening nearing the positive stage. This is crazy. I don't know why I thought getting off the clomid wouldn't really change my cycle all that much, but obviously I was mistaken. It's getting a little annoying. T and I just continue the every other day thing hoping that if it sneaks up on us, we're covered. So anxious for my appointment on Thursday. It's consuming way to much of my thoughts right now. Would love him to do an ultrasound to see what's going on this cycle, here's hoping!

Our weekend for the most part was very relaxing and enjoyable. I even spent Saturday with a close friend that is nearing 8 months pregnant and I was totally fine. I think she's just to sweet to resent. That evening, we went out with friends of ours, 7 couples in all. T and I are the only ones without kids. All of them with 2-3. So the ladies conversations revolved around what it was like to get pregnant, give birth, be a stay-at-home-mom, and even how many women there are out there that can't get pregnant. Seriously sat their flabbergasted that I was stuck listening to all of this. My pregnant friend felt awful for me. One of the worst parts were 2 other ladies even know about our struggles and miscarriage and were big contributors to the conversation! Did they not realize I was sitting right next to them, being super quiet?! Apparently not. It even got worse. One of the gals talked about how she was supposed to get AF the following day and she had spotting once on Friday and that was it and considering how "drunk" she was feeling, she's thinking she's probably preggers with #3. Oh, and did I mention it was their first month trying? I've never been so ready to get out of a place than that night.

Well, guess I'll continue for the 8th straight day to pee in a cup 3 times a day for my opk's. Seems like this is going to be a pricey month in that regard...

And just so everyone can really understand my frame of mind, this is my afternoon snack. Please note, I'm not a fan of chocolate, but these spicy habenero truffles are crazy good! Check out the little design on them!

3 more days...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Longest 1ww ever

In mid-May, around the time I was starting my first Clomid cycle, I decided that I didn't want to go through months upon months of fertility meds with my OBGYN who really didn't do much monitoring along with the meds.  I was pretty shocked at the 3 1/2 month wait to get an initial appointment! At the time, I was thinking, that's okay, I'll have 3 months on Clomid and in my head, I really thought I'd end up canceling the appointment way before August 23rd and if I didn't, I've have already given the Clomid a go, ready to move on to something else.

One week from today, I meet with the best my city has to offer in Reproductive Endocrinology. From what I've heard he leaves no stone unturned and doesn't dilly dally around. Exactly what I need and what I've been counting down the days all summer for. I can't believe that I can finally say my appointment is "next week". 

I know that just because my appointment is 'round the corner, that doesn't mean that I'll be pregnant next month. I think it's more the piece of mind that we'll have some help. Someone trying as hard as we are to make a baby happen for us. They'll be tests/procedures to go through first and who knows what will work for us, whether it's Femara, IUI, injectibles or IVF. As of right now, I'm going in to this, believing that something will work. This journey has not been easy. It's not been on my preferred time frame. I'm bummed that 3 cycles were wasted with a thin lining. I wish that my doctor would have monitored me earlier. But I'm armed with information and I know more about my body than I think I ever have or ever thought I would know. So doc...get ready for me!!! 

This weekend we are heading to Kansas City to visit family. Actually, we leave this afternoon. (well, if the line of storms rolling threw don't derail that plan and delay our flight) Trevor had a chat with his Dad, letting him know that while we're very happy for his step-sister (we found out she was pregnant last week), we are struggling. His Dad completely understood, and I think a little sensitivity will be given. I was unsure about opening up, but I believe that it's better for them to understand our feelings than for anyone to feel slighted. Hopefully, this will make for a nice family weekend all around! 

As far as my cycle goes, we're heading into my fertile window. Currently I'm CD 11. Temps have been remaining steady (since I started taking them again, so that I can confirm ovulation) but I'm still not using the monitor. I started my OPK's and so far, BFN. We're thinking we'll be getting busy under his Dad's roof...exciting, HA! We've already started the EOD thing. We'll start ED once I get a positive OPK. This will be my first month of not doing a P4 test (well at least with my OB) but I think that's fine. Every month, even before the Clomid, ovulation was confirmed. I've also had a little more CM this cycle, and since I'm typically at zilch, I have to wonder if it's the lack of Clomid, the estrogen supplements I've taken this first part of this cycle or a combination of both! Either way, I hope that means my lining is fattening back up! 

Who knows, maybe I can go in, meet this doc, and in the next few weeks, he can tell me you're preggers, go home! Wishful thinking, but hey, it could happen.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Back to normal life...and my husband.

First of all, I had a wonderful weekend. Truly great weekend with a good friend. We talked, laughed, shopped, and simply had a blast. I did, however, really miss my husband and was so happy to get back to him last night. As awesome as LA is to visit, I'm not sure I could keep up with that life style.

The most impressive thing about the weekend...for the first time since my d&c, I haven't taken my temp or used my monitor since last Thursday! So, the monitor is basically out the window this month, and I'm okay with it! I'll start OPK's in a few days, I think, oddly enough, I actually have to look at my calendar to see what CD it is. Who am I, right now?!

We leave town again on Thursday to visit T's family in Kansas City, so short work week. We'll be taking advantage of the change of scenery since this weekend should be "go time".

Sorry for the short update, but it's time to get to work!!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Off to La la land...

Guess what I'm doing this weekend?! I'm NOT even talking about TTC. I'm heading to LA to visit a friend. She knows nothing of my journey, has no children and is going through a divorce. She's in her mid-twenties and I can't think of a better person to be around considering my current circumstances. And she's not pregnant!

Since I'm only on CD 4, my plan is to drink red wine, eat some delish grub, sit my cranky butt on the beach and RELAX. (and hopefully get a little less cranky!)

The husband is going on his annual guys camping trip, so he's taken care of. So my friends, please have a wonderful weekend. I plan to.


Monday, August 6, 2012

You have to be f%*#ing kidding me?!

Well not only did AF decide to start slowly making her way into my life, yet again, right on schedule, but within an hour, I found out that one of my weekend getaways is pretty much ruined. (okay, it's one of the family ones, but regardless) T's step-sister is expecting number 2.

You have to understand what this means I'll be up against in 2 weeks. Trev's dad will be NON-stop going on and on about how awesome and wonderful it is. An entire 3.5 days of this. I had already geared myself up to the 2 preggo ladies I'll be seeing in the next few weeks, this was the last thing I needed. I hate feeling this way, but I think today was just extra emotional when AF arrived confirming what I already knew. We even discussed me canceling my flight and staying home so I didn't have to deal...until I realized that's cycle day 11-14. The last days of this month that I want to be away from T. So either I suck it up, or I forego this month. There is an obvious answer, but still sucks and I'm not looking forward it.

This awesomeness = 2 blog posts in one day.

The TTC Merry-Go-Round

What a rough weekend...that's the best way to sum it up. AF hasn't arrived yet, but I'm 15 dpo and my temps took a nose dive yesterday which means it should come any moment, I'm guessing tomorrow, based on my last couple LP lengths. This upcoming cycle will be my 8th since we started trying after the D&C. I never thought we would still be in this position this many months later.

I had a great Friday night, I guess I'll start with that. Dinner out with my closest friend who knows this journey all to well. We drank a bottle of wine, and I don't feel even the slightest bit guilty. Mostly because I already knew at that point that this cycle was over and what better way to drown my sorrows. We also made plans for a NYC girls weekend which I'm super excited about.

Saturday, I made the mistake of not going with my husband to his volleyball tournament and stayed home all day. HUGE mistake. Being alone all day to stew with my thoughts over this past cycle (and past year) really brought me down and by the evening when T came home, I had a hard time snapping out of it. Not crabby or anything, just felt Yesterday was a tad better because we ran errands and hung out together, topping it off with an awesome homemade Mexican dinner. Good lord I love that husband of mine. He's so patient and understanding with my highs and lows right now and I have no idea how I'd get through this without him.

When ever this cycle does officially begin, it will be a non-medicated cycle. I hope to build my lining without using the Clomid and we'll just use OPK's and the Ovacue monitor to baby dance on our own. My first RE appointment (17 days, but who's counting) is on the 23rd and that will probably be a few days after O. I'm also taking this month off of acupuncture. It makes me feel so relaxed, but because I've had so many appointments causing me to leave work and expenses lately, I just want to wait and resume the acupuncture when any fertility treatments begin.

We also decided that we will not be putting TTC on hold or scheduling it around my sister's wedding next June. We're just going to go with whatever happens happens. We can't plan our life around her, anymore that she can plan hers around mine.

This month is insane for me. I've got some work trips, family trips and fun trips planned, but it's a lot of criss-crossing the country. I'm hoping all this will keep me so busy that TTC (at least mentally) can be pushed out of my head a bit. I need a break. I'm really tired of being so sad.

Schedule for the next month starting this weekend:

Los Angeles
Kansas City
New York
North Carolina

That is my next 4 out of 5 weekends!! Holy cow, what have I done?! ;)

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Big hopes = big disappointment

11 dpo, BFN. Since Clomid, my LP has been increased by 4-5 days, so I still don't expect AF until next Monday or Tuesday and I know a lot of people will say, you aren't out until that happens...but, I know from past experience that a BFP is typically visible around 10-11 dpo. Again, I also just don't feel it. My husband has been so positive these past 7 cycles since the miscarriage. I think he's never had any doubt that it would just happen. He really thought this cycle was it, so I think this hit him a little harder. Probably because it was our last chance in order to cancel the RE appointment.

My RE appointment is on August 23. Which means, there is still another ovulation between now and then. I will not do any meds this cycle. This will be strictly OPK's and temping for confirmation. By the time my appointment rolls around I'll most likely be approximately 3-5 dpo at that point. I'm hoping the plan will start off with an HSG. I'm also hoping that we start with IUI first. I think with my history of a LEEP procedure which means I don't have EWCM and because my lining was thin this past cycle, we do something other than Clomid. We'll see...this is all speculation at this point.

I also have a slight dilemma to consider and would love to hear what folks think. My sister just got engaged and is planning a wedding for next June. Normally this wouldn't be a consideration if I didn't live 750 miles away. I don't know if I can physically NOT TTC these next few months because of that. Especially now that I'm finally seeing an RE. I'm the matron of honor and I've always been extremely close with her. There is no way I'd simply miss the wedding. It's a conundrum for sure.

Good news:  I plan on spending tomorrow night drinking several glasses of good red wine with my bestie. I also plan on having some delish cocktails at my favorite mixology bar in Santa Monica next weekend.

I don't think August 23rd could come fast enough for me. This 3ww may be pure torture.