Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Where do we find the strength?

Everyone left so many kind messages the other day. I wish I could say I spent the day being completely selfish with just me and my memories of my mother. It's what I tried to do. Unfortunately, CCRM had other plans. More on that in a bit. Few things I want to catch up on first.

Autumn Mug Swap was the past few weeks. One of the sweetest gals and a fellow CCRM'er and advertising worker bee, Jessah, put this fabulous idea together and I was thrilled that we were matched. She made my day when I received so much more than just a mug (I've been in a whirl wind lately, and wasn't nearly as creative).

Sipping on my tea, as I write this post. Thank you are amazing.

We also celebrated T's actual birthday and spent a weekend in St. Louis. Where my mother lived for most of her life (and I lived for 11 years). I have so many friends there and this is where T and I met, but I don't get back as often as I'd like. It's very emotional and I usually struggle crossing the bridge into downtown, seeing the arch, without shedding a few tears. The memories are countless.

I was kind enough not to make T blow out 40 candles. He made it through and seems to be handling his new decade with grace, just like I knew he would. 

This past weekend as many of you probably have heard about, there were deadly storms that ravaged the midwest. They swirled all around us, but we somehow, only got a little light rain and wind. But I did happen to look out my bedroom window and see this. I hope it's a sign, because I really need one.

Finally, Monday afternoon, I came home and found this on my doorstep. My best friend and her daughter, left this for me. Thank you, J, for giving me the opportunity to have cupcakes and wine for dinner and know that I was loved a little extra that day.

So back to Monday's testing. I can't make sense of anything anymore and to be honest, I know I've had low moments these past few years, but I'm struggling right now. Maybe more than ever. 

I don't know how to pray for this dream I've had my whole life, but seems that all odds are stacked against me

I don't know who I will be, if this doesn't work out and my life becomes one that is childless

What kind of wife, friend, sister...will I be if that happens?

Where do I get the strength to move forward even though I know, I'll never be able give up? 

I'm 36, but I've aged the past few years. I feel decades older

Because the last several years have broken my heart again and again. 

I'm angry at the world for all the loss that I have endured. But then I think of HollyConceptionally ChallengedThe Unexpected Trip and my dearest N and the grief they are facing in this moment and I'm angry and sad for them as well. 


E2 - 911 (9-1-1 is right!! WTF)
P4 - 1.64 (elevated...nothing new)
Lining - 2.2mm 
Right Ovary - 20mm follicle/cyst (no one knows which since we don't know where I am in a cycle)

CCRM - Keep waiting for a period

Me - I'm concerned about lining damage from my D&C. My gut says there's more going on here and I want to know what. What about a hysteroscopy? What about a low dose stim cycle to get me going? What about something...anything?? 

CCRM - We don't want to put you through that yet. 

Me - Puh-LEEEZE...put me through it!!

CCRM - Call us next week if you don't have a period.

Me - Flip off my phone and throw it on the bed.

This entire year has been nothing but waiting. Waiting for my body to recover from surgery, from a chemical pregnancy, from crazy hormones, from an ectopic pregnancy, and now a chronic thin lining. 

As some recently said..."we need a win". Yes. We really, really do. 

Lastly, I know that there has been a lot of heartache going around, but there are also miracles to celebrate. Congrats to one of my favorite ladies...Aubrey your news has me celebrating and hoping that above all of the hell we go through to make our dreams come true, it's possible to make it out to the other side. Congrats my wonderful friend. 

I'll end this on another positive most recent fortune cookie. It was funny how all 3 people at our table got the perfect fortune for each of us. Mine especially. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

A day to forget

November 17, 2008

Message from mom..."hey, it's me, bye".

6 pm: Home from work, we spoke on the phone. Her cancer had returned a month ago, only 6 weeks after her first round of treatments concluded. She was on a very aggressive chemo that unlike the first round, she's much weaker, she needs blood transfusions and her breathing is more labored. We talked about Thanksgiving. She had been wanting so much to come to Indianapolis again. I was ordering a hospital bed for her, so she could sleep better while she was here. I told her, "Mom, I'll come there, you know I will". She said, maybe that's a good idea. She cried. I know it isn't what she had hoped for. I told her I'd take care of everything and could tell she had talked enough already and we hung up. I thought to myself...I didn't say I love you...should I call back? No...she needs her rest.

I fell asleep early that night. Even forgetting to take my phone upstairs.

November 18, 2008

T wakes me up around 7 am, he has almost 10 missed calls on his phone.

I rush to call my step-dad. My mom is gone. I collapsed on the floor and T runs to me, knowing what this means. I guess I should be thankful. The calls all came in after she was gone. There was nothing I could do. Maybe she wanted me to have that last night's rest.

A blood clot. It was not the cancer took her, but the effects of the chemo that got her first. After a summer of treatments, she said we'd get to say goodbye 1000 times. She was wrong. There is never a day that goes by that I won't think of the words left unsaid. That I won't relive the moment I chose not to call her back and say, "Mom...I love you".

I've never been much of a saver. I don't have years of birthday cards that she (or anyone) gave me. But I do have the last birthday card she gave me. I read it every so often. This specific card, was perfect and I will treasure it, always.

A Letter for My Daughter 
On Her Birthday

Dear Suzanne,

Think of a mitten and a hand 
or the way tea fills the curve of a teacup. 
In the same way, there is 
a place in my life
shaped like you.
Before you came, 
I did not even know it was there. 
But afterward, I knew
I had always had it, 
this quiet and waiting space 
in the middle of my heart
that you, and 
only you, could fill.
And even more than the day 
you came into my world...
I love you. 


November 18, 2011

I've had my doubts about this pregnancy. The lack of symptoms and the brown spotting that had lasted for more than a week. Yet, the past few days, the spotting had stopped and the morning sick was starting. I started to believe that maybe it was possible...but this particular day, at my ultrasound appointment, I found out how cruel the world truly could be. My pregnancy was not meant to be. There was no fetal pole. No yolk sac. No heart beat.

Now I go back to the card that my mom gave me. Because now when I read it. I not only long for her. But I long for what else this card stands for. There is a place in my my heart that only a child can fill. Yet here I am. Without a child. Without my mother. On what's been one of the worst days of my life.

November 18th. I do not care for you. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

We've got another hiccup

My mock cycle has officially been called a big fat bust.

I guess it's time to lay out all the details of the past few weeks. Who knows, maybe one of you ladies can offer up some advise.

October 2 - still no period 8 weeks after my methotrexate shot. Lining was 2.5mm

October 5 - PIO shot to attempt to induce a period

October 11 - Started Vivelle patches

October 17 - e2 levels were 300, patches seem to be absorbing and I'm slowly increasing to 4 per day

October 25 - e2 levels were 1354, however, my lining was 3.48mm. Immediately added in 3 estrace (vaginally) per day

November 1 - e2 levels were 3400...lining was 2.1mm

Mock cycle cancelled and I was instructed to take another PIO shot. I was told that even spotting would be considered cycle day 1 due to my super thin lining. We'll then start the mock cycle over. At this point, I've not had a period since June 14th (my period prior to my ectopic pregnancy). I'm very skeptical that I'll have one since last time I took a PIO shot, I also did not get a period.

I think I've mentioned before that my biggest fear these past several months was that I would have these perfect embryos...and no where to put them. I'm terrified that this premonition is coming true. What would we do if my lining is just kaput? Surrogacy is a whole different ballgame that we can't afford. Should I even be thinking this yet? The last time my lining measured a decent thickness was November 2012. Granted this past year has been frocked with surgery, crazy hormones, a wonky IVF and an ectopic pregnancy, so I realize, there's not been a whole lot of opportunities to monitor my lining...but still.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned. I really, really am.

On a more fun note, I've been a little MIA with comments and replies lately and I apologize. I've been completely overwhelmed planning my husbands surprise 40th birthday party this past weekend. We had folks fly in from all over and house guests for the 4 days...all while keeping it secret!

(not to mention sneaking in ultrasounds and blood work and ramped up on hormones!!)

Well, I'm exhausted, but it was a success!! He loved it and was thrilled to have his family and closest friends to celebrate with him.

40 (almost) and still smiling!! 

Who ever heard of handing out nerdy glasses at a bar?? Regardless, I had fun with them! 

Thursday is his actual birthday and I plan on a really quiet night, just him and I on the couch as he enters a new decade!!