Thursday, February 20, 2014

CCRM…the update

I don't even know where to start. I'm so behind on an update that I should be embarrassed!

A lot (or at least it seems like a lot) has happened since my last post. I mean, if we were all confused before, you should hold on to your britches, because it certainly doesn't get any clearer. In typical fashion, everything has been nothing short of a hot mess.

My last recap said that I would start the mock cycle/hysterscopy regardless of "another" period. So last week, 4 days after my last progesterone pill, I was told to go in for an ultrasound and blood work to determine when I could come out for the HSC since I hadn't had a period. For whatever reason, CCRM refused to acknowledge the 5 days of bleeding I had while on the Prometrium as a period.

Well as usual, I know my body best. On cycle day 9 (from what I called CD 1) and only 4 days after stopping the progesterone and 14 days after my 3-week course of Estrace, I was ovulating. My labs were the following:

e2 - 1150
LH - 14.3
p4 - 2.5

Ultrasound showed a follicle on both sides, the one on the right being close to 26mm. Unfortunately, my lining was 3.8mm. (It's like my ovaries and my uterus are on completely different schedules)

My nurse at CCRM called to tell me that everything would have to wait for my next period. She couldn't understand why I would be ovulating. I told her the same thing happened last year on BCPS. I may have DOR, but people, I canNOT be suppressed. My ovaries just keep on going. Much to my displeasure at the moment.

I asked her what was the reason for the HSC being done on cycle day 5 - 13? I had thought that it was because it could 1) interrupt a pregnancy or 2) there needed to be a thin lining. I told her that per CCRM's instruction after my operative HSC, that we could have "relations" until after next period. So ultimately, there was no way I was pregnant.

Lets face it, if I can't get pregnant while having sex, we certainly aren't getting pregnant when we're not…

And obviously, my lining was thin.

After my begging and pleading, she said that she was going to talk to Dr. G about going forward with the HSC. After all, flights were booked, plans were made, even a little mini ski vacation was in the works. We were going to Colorado no matter what at this point. I was going to make darn sure that CCRM did something. I received a call back that night letting me know that Dr. G had said "lets do it".

On Sunday, we headed out to Denver. We spent the day in Boulder, drinking Bloody Mary's, shopping and enjoying the 60 degrees and sunshine.

Monday morning we got up extra early and headed up the mountain. I haven't been skiing in several years and I forgot how much I enjoy it. I cannot describe our time in Breckinridge any other way than for the first time in a long time, I felt pure joy. I wish I could have that feeling more often. Days where I don't think about infertility or the challenges we have faced these past three years.  

My appointment at CCRM is going to be more difficult for me to explain. While we did not receive bad news. I walked away pretty defeated.  

The good
The structure of my uterus is back to normal
There is no more scar tissue

The bad/unknown
My lining is still very thin throughout my uterus

While I knew my lining was thin last week in the ultrasound, for whatever reason, hearing him talk about it was pretty hard on me. I must be clear though. Dr. G was fairly optimistic. We'll be starting the mock cycle with my next period. Which should be in the next week. I know they are throwing the kitchen sink at my uterus to get it thicken up. What bothers me, is I ovulated on my own and after all that estrace and progesterone, it was no thicker than it was before the surgery. I know I'm not out, but I can't help to feel like this is a bit of foreshadowing for what's to come. Call it a gut feeling or a feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to fall…or maybe I'm just in need of a really big win to start believing again.

I know that many of you will tell me that things are looking up. We're going in the right direction. And You're absolutely right. On one hand, I know this. He could have come in and said, sorry, no go. We're done. He didn't. Like I said. It's very difficult for me to explain my feelings on this.

We flew back to Indianapolis yesterday and I was still struggling with my feelings of hopelessness. I had a bit of a melt down in the car on our way home from the airport. What absolutely blew me away was walking into my home to a package from Just Another Infertility Blog. I cannot begin to articulate how much she helped me by her kindness and thoughtful gift. A million thank you's to her. 

Have you ever seen cuter socks!?!? 

A million more thank you's to all of you that have sent me emails and texts this last week. It warmed my heart that even without updating my blog, you all remembered me and what we had going on. Nothing has made me feel more special through all of this, than all of you ladies. 


  1. I think I understand. Everyone can tell me over and over again that day 3 embryos succeed all the time and that grading is subjective, but I still can't knock this feeling that our take home baby doesn't lie with those six embryos. And it sucks to feel that way! The good news is that your feelings (and mine) can easily be proven wrong! I'm sooo hoping that you're about to get a big old surprise in the form of an 8mm lining!

    So glad you got to spend some fun time in Colorado and the snow! We should all retire there, or at least go for a big, long, relaxing vacation.

    Much love and big hugs!

  2. It's so hard to know what to say... Except that I am thinking of you ALWAYS! And I've found that sometimes when you don't really have any hope at all- that's when things -
    Good things - happen. I'm so glad you were able to enjoy yourselves while out in the most beautiful state of CO. XOXO

  3. Continuing to believe with you and for you! Hope you feel peace and are able to stay positive! PS. I love that you got to go skiing and enjoy your time there some too! gorgeous pics!!

  4. Love the socks! Love all the pics! I am hopeful that this all is just the next step to you having a baby! Thinking of you!

  5. I'm sorry there was even more confusion, but glad Dr. G fit you in anyway (for lack of a good reason not to, I guess). And that you went skiing and had a wonderful time!
    A few scattered thoughts: if you ovulated on CD9, maybe that is too short a time for really thick lining? And if you feel that your ovaries and uterus/lining are out of sync, have you considered something between Lupron and acupuncture to "reset" this? (Sorry, I've been reading too much about acupuncture lately... feel free to ignore).

    Thinking of you and sending many positive thoughts!

  6. I will continue to pray for you guys. I don't have any great words of wisdom because I have not had the same journey but please know that I will be cheering you on from the sidelines. I'm glad that the baby home is all cleaned out and now it is time for the lining to catch up!

  7. I've been thinking of you friend. I'm glad Dr. G was able to fit you in and that he is optimistic. It's so nice to hear an update from you and I hope you keep us posted on how things progress. I know it is so frustrating when your body is not cooperating, but hopefully Dr. G can thicken your lining just enough! I will be sending you tons of good vibes...

  8. Good for you! Your story illustrates how important it is to be an advocate for yourself and not accept everything at face value. I'm so happy that you turned your trip into a mini ski holiday too!

  9. Perpetual thin lining girl here. I suffered for over a YEAR with thin lining and cancelled FET because of it. I understand what this particular defeat feels like. You have great frosties in the freezer without a home to place them in. You are patient and try and do the right thing in the right steps and it still slaps you in the face. In our case I told our RE that I was willing to do on last 'Hail Mary' FET cycle, but not the same protocol and a million pills (estrogen, Viagra, terbutaline, etc.) because they didn't work then and wouldn't work now. After our final attempt we were moving on to gestational carriers. We did a low dose of Gonal F stim and my lining was the best it ever had been at an 8.3 (from the 4 mm range). I know it's worked for other girls. I'm hoping perhaps if the usual meds don't work your RE is willing to think outside the box too. That Hail Mary cycle last September gave us our much needed success.

    1. Thin lining girl here again...I just wanted to apologize for even speaking up with suggestions and solutions. Obviously you didn't ask for them and frankly I'm guilty of trying to 'help' people when help hasn't been asked for. But instead, I'd like to just reflect on your post and say how beautiful it was that you got to spend a day on the slopes enjoying your day in Colorado that didn't have a thing to do with CCRM. And I know you must be someone special to have so many great IF friends surprise you over the years with special and thoughtful gifts. You and your IF friends are so lucky to have each other. For as much as I think I can relate to your current situation I think the kinder and right thing to do is say that I'm thinking of you and am hoping that you'll have a level of success with things in the future.

    2. Thank you so much for your post. I'm certainly not feeling confident in my mock cycle. We've tried Estrace and Vivelle Patches. Next is the Viagra and a pill for blood circulation that I can't remember the name of, that will start soon. If it doesn't work, I will push for something different for the next mock. Especially if they are only giving me two cycles before saying I have to use a GC. I'm going to ask about the Gonal-f. I think it's awesome that your lining responded so well with that. I had thick lining once in the last 2 years (at least that I know about from being monitored) and it was 9mm. That was in November, 2012. I've never known anything more frustrating that exactly what you said, having embryos but now where to put them. It was my greatest fear before we even started our DE cycle, it blows my mind that it's come true. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and I'm so grateful for your success story. xoxo

  10. I'm sorry! You need to catch a break. I'm cheering for you. Hang in there.. Drink a goblet of wine.

  11. Finally caught up....and all I can say is, ugh! Here's to hoping your body decides to start reacting the way the your doctor is begging it to. Glad you got to enjoy some time in Breck! Did you stop by the ice castle?!

  12. You guys are handling all of this the best way possible...taking a little time for yourselves. It's those forced moments of lifting yourself up by your bootstraps and saying "F U infertility, you will not steal all of our joy!" that will help you survive this journey.

    Side memo to your uterus: Listen up uterus of Suzanne! We know you have been uncooperative as of late and drumming to your own beat, regardless of what your friends, the ovaries are doing. While we understand your frustrations with all of the procedures and mixed signals, we have now given you the very best care and the very best chance to put your best uterine lining forward. It's high time you step up and show us what you're truly capable of during this mock cycle. She has set the stage now, so NO excuses! It's showtime!

  13. I can totally connect with so much you wrote about in this post, especially the feeling of defeat, despite there not being any new big awful news. You were hoping your lining would be all nice and thick, and it wasn't. And I can see why that would feel like a punch in the gut. I'm really sorry it wasn't what you had hoped for. Like Conceptionally Challenged, I can't help but think that there is no way it could have been thick after bleeding the previous week, but I'm no RE.

    I'm really glad that your doctor was able to still do the HSC at the scheduled time, instead of waiting again. And so great that you two could enjoy a day of skiing. That pure joy of swishing down the slopes: there is nothing like it. Glad you could let your spirits be lifted by that experience.

    I keep you in my thoughts, dear woman, and continue to believe in the day your luck will change.

  14. Glad your uterus was clear and good to go. Now just to get that lining to grow. Hope the mock cycle goes well, crossing my fingers for you!

  15. Have your doctors ever discussed or looked into using Neupogen to thicken your lining? I am not exactly sure how it's used for that purpose, and I know Neupogen is used more by RI's, but it may be worth looking into. It's expensive, but I'd be happy to donate you some (if you do end up going that route), as I have a lot left over that insurance covered.

    I'm glad you got some good news even if it wasn't ALL good news, and I'll be praying that the bad news is resolved. I am glad you at least had a good time skiing! Thinking about you!

  16. You look super happy in those pics and I'm glad!! You are not allowing IF to determine your emotions. I know it's difficult when things don't seem to go the way you expect them to. But if things always went our way we wouldn't know the true value of things. It's difficult to see something uve been wanting be far from reach but u are closer than u think. Ur in my prayers sweetie. One day we will get our miracle babies.

  17. It's so nice to see you and T so happy. Glad your trip (at last the part in Breck) brought you so much joy! And that you have a sweet blogger friend thinking about you. I understand feeling discouraged. Hang in there. Hugs!

  18. Adorable socks! It's so wonderful that you have so any blog friends thinking of you and wishing you well. I'm glad you were able to take time for yourselves and enjoy some skiing. I'm sorry you didn't get the best news, but I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best!

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