Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Cheers...this is a first

Bad news always happens right before the holidays. At least for me it has.

My mother died on November 18th, 2008.

Our first ultrasound with our first pregnancy ended also, on November 18th, 2011. (Please note, that November 18th has officially been erased from my calendar)

I was told that IVF would never work for me, that donor eggs were my only option in December, 2012.

And on December 20th, 2013 after going through more pregnancy loss and finally using donor eggs...I was told that my best bet for ever having a child would be through surrogacy.

So to say that my holidays have been filled with heartache and loss is stating the obvious. Our New Year's toasts have always been something to the effect of...

"Well it can only get better in 20__" or "It certainly can't get any worse than 20__". And each year, it seemed we were wrong. So on New Years Eve, 2013, we just said..."Cheers 2014, to being married to the love of my life...and it all working out".

Our 2014 started off rocky. We knew we faced an uphill battle. Surgery, our one and only FET, and if that failed...finding (and being able to afford) a gestational surrogate.

There was pain in 2014. Unimaginable amounts of hurt that I'll never forget. I've always tried to put on a happy face. To have faith and hope. But I've been broken too.


June, 9 2014
The day our transfer failed

The day that our FET failed and my husband broke for the first time in our 3 year journey, I really felt true loss. Because we both knew that to have a child...my body had to be left behind. Our child or children would not have my mothers smile, or my eyes. And I...would never know pregnancy.

A few days later...K and I seriously began conversations about surrogacy. Things began to shift at that moment, and they haven't stopped. I will always be infertile. It's not a war I'll ever win. I'll never be "out of the trenches" as we say. 

But that's okay. I have faith that I will have my little family. Every day, I hope and pray that this pregnancy will be healthy and happy and it won't matter how they arrived...because when he or she is here, I get forever. I get to be a mother. I get to tell my child how many people were involved in making them happen. I want them to grow up knowing...how much they are loved by so many people. 

For the first time...a year didn't end with a whole new set of shitty news. It ended with the simple words, "pregnant". It ended with two amazing pink lines. Whatever I did to deserve this kind of happy. I'm forever grateful.

So Cheers, 2015...to dreams coming true.


December 24, 2014
Positive Beta Day


*We had a 3rd beta on Monday at 20dp5dt. It was 18,315. Our ultrasound is in 5 days. I do not know how much I'll share from that ultrasound. This blog has become very public with friends and family and we may keep a little to ourselves other than a "thumbs up". So just be prepared. 

But to my infertility blog friends...all you have to do is ask. xoxoxo





33 comments:

  1. Suzanne I've been thinking of you and here you are giving an update. Im so glad the bad news trend has been broken. There's not one day I don't pray/think of you and hoping for a happy lovely ending. Counting down the days til the ultrasound.

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  2. Dear Suzanne,
    Thank you so much for the update. I have been thinking of you often. I am in tears seeing your two pictures and I am praying that they only get more and more joyous.
    Karen

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  3. What amazing news! Cheers to a great start on 2015.

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  4. I LOVE the difference a year can make. 2 positive lines represents SO Much hope. I LOVE your husbands hand raise in victory in the happy picture!! I can't wait for your ultrasound <3

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  5. Love this post...cried with sadness (memory of our own journey) and joy! All my blessing to you for 2015

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  6. Your picture made me nervous and as I read on I was praying for you. This is will be the best year ever!

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  7. I cannot find the right words to explain just how thrilled I am for you and your husband! 2015 will be a great year!

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  8. It's your year; I just know it. It's time for you and T to finally, finally be the ones. Counting down the days with you.

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  9. This is finally your year!!! I couldn't be happier for you! You should join Emily from Eat Love Procreate Facebook group. It's private so you can share little things with us there that you don't want to post publicly here

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  10. my heart aches with happiness for you and T. There aren't enough words to describe how thrilled I am! You so deserve this. Come join Em's group on Facebook!

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  11. Suzanne, tears are literally streaming down my face right now. I feel your pain but also your excitement that this is your time. I am so happy for you guys, you deserve this so, so much. I have been praying for you constantly and will continue to do so! Can't wait to hear that everything is looking great on Monday :)

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  12. Suzanne, I've cried at many of your blogs, but this is the first time I've cried in happiness for you for what's to come. FINALLY!!! You deserve this.

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  13. This is so amazing! So wonderful!
    I definitely want an update on you ultrasound coming up please!!
    2015 is going to be so wonderful!

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  14. So excited that you had a happy end of 2014. Now onto 2015 when you will become a MOM! As someone who is adopted -- sort of the same but different -- i know FIRST HAND that you do not have to grow inside your mother's belly for her to be your MOTHER. This is going to be your best year yet!

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  15. I have been reading your blog for almost a year now, and I know your heartache, but I have never known what to say to it all. I know there is not much someone can say to make things feel better, even for just a short moment. So, reading this post, makes me smile a huge smile! Infertility sucks! So to get to read a positive post filled with so much love and excitement, makes a fellow infertile feel... hopeful! I wish you all the luck in the world! And congratulations!!!
    ~Jenna~

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  16. Congrats! It's a tough road, but you deserve every positive moment from here on out!

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  17. Happy tears :) I can "feel" how sad you are in that first pic and I can see how happy you are in the 2nd pic :) What joy on both of your faces!! Truly brings tears to my eyes after all you have been through because I understand. Your story was not an "easy fix". It's so, so, so much more than that...you've been through it ALL and I am elated that 2015 will bring your miracle baby(ies!) into this world! Yay!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxo(can you tell I'm a little excited for you guys??!!!)

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  18. ... and you deserve it all, my friend. You have suffered, you have lost, and yet you have a heart of gold. This is your year. Thank you, Jesus.

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  19. I'm so glad that the 2014 holidays were better for you this year. You and your husband deserve all of the happiness in the world. Fingers crossed for a good ultrasound and a healthy pregnancy!

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  20. Amazing news! Cheers and all the congratulations in the world! This is he year you become a mom.

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  21. Chills from this post. So happy for you!!

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  22. I am beyond thrilled for you and your hubby. Unfortunately, I can relate to loosing Mom. Its been 3 months to the day since I lost mine. But having this baby to look forward helps. Will be following your journey. I love the photo of you smiling. http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/

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  23. I can not WAIT to see that thumbs up!! Praying for you, K, and the baby(ies!). Sending you love and support.

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  24. Congratulations, Suzanne! I am so happy for you :)

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  25. I am so glad you finally got good news! I can't wait to hear how the u/s goes next week! I'll be sending tons of prayers your way!

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  26. Oh this is such wonderful news!! I'm praying that the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly with ZERO complications!! Sending you lots of hugs! xo

    waiitingforbabybird.com

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  27. Such amazing news- so excited for you !!! :)

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  28. He makes all things new!!! Love seeing Him restore life back to y'all! So excited!

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  29. Excellent news! So very happy for you. Cheers to 2015 being your best year!

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  30. When I saw that sad face, I was so worried! I'm happy that this post ended with two smiley ones! Xo

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  31. Oh my goodness, Suzanne!!! I have been away from this part of the world for way too long, but I am so excited to come back and check in on you and see this post!!!!! I am so, so, so incredibly excited for you!! I am so very excited to hear about all of these exciting things to come! THIS made my day!!!

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