My mother died on November 18th, 2008.
Our first ultrasound with our first pregnancy ended also, on November 18th, 2011. (Please note, that November 18th has officially been erased from my calendar)
I was told that IVF would never work for me, that donor eggs were my only option in December, 2012.
And on December 20th, 2013 after going through more pregnancy loss and finally using donor eggs...I was told that my best bet for ever having a child would be through surrogacy.
So to say that my holidays have been filled with heartache and loss is stating the obvious. Our New Year's toasts have always been something to the effect of...
"Well it can only get better in 20__" or "It certainly can't get any worse than 20__". And each year, it seemed we were wrong. So on New Years Eve, 2013, we just said..."Cheers 2014, to being married to the love of my life...and it all working out".
Our 2014 started off rocky. We knew we faced an uphill battle. Surgery, our one and only FET, and if that failed...finding (and being able to afford) a gestational surrogate.
There was pain in 2014. Unimaginable amounts of hurt that I'll never forget. I've always tried to put on a happy face. To have faith and hope. But I've been broken too.
June, 9 2014
The day our transfer failed
The day that our FET failed and my husband broke for the first time in our 3 year journey, I really felt true loss. Because we both knew that to have a child...my body had to be left behind. Our child or children would not have my mothers smile, or my eyes. And I...would never know pregnancy.
A few days later...K and I seriously began conversations about surrogacy. Things began to shift at that moment, and they haven't stopped. I will always be infertile. It's not a war I'll ever win. I'll never be "out of the trenches" as we say.
But that's okay. I have faith that I will have my little family. Every day, I hope and pray that this pregnancy will be healthy and happy and it won't matter how they arrived...because when he or she is here, I get forever. I get to be a mother. I get to tell my child how many people were involved in making them happen. I want them to grow up knowing...how much they are loved by so many people.
For the first time...a year didn't end with a whole new set of shitty news. It ended with the simple words, "pregnant". It ended with two amazing pink lines. Whatever I did to deserve this kind of happy. I'm forever grateful.
So Cheers, 2015...to dreams coming true.
December 24, 2014
Positive Beta Day
*We had a 3rd beta on Monday at 20dp5dt. It was 18,315. Our ultrasound is in 5 days. I do not know how much I'll share from that ultrasound. This blog has become very public with friends and family and we may keep a little to ourselves other than a "thumbs up". So just be prepared.
But to my infertility blog friends...all you have to do is ask. xoxoxo