My little girl - Finally an update on her

I haven't posted a ton about my pregnancy. I guess life has been so focused on the boys at this point, that most everything revolves around them. I take care of myself and I'm enjoying the pregnancy as much as I can, but they are here smiling at me every single day, so it's hard not to talk about them, them and well, more of them.

So...here's a bit of an update on HER. Her name is Liddy Rose. We didn't keep it secret as we did the boys. It's a name we always liked and decided on it as soon as we knew this was a little girl. We wanted something that was an updated version of my mother's name but not the same. Her name was Linda.

I've been monitored very, VERY closely this entire pregnancy. I am or have been at a high risk for placenta issues; placenta previa (don't have), placenta accreta (or percreta), preterm labor and incompetent cervix (don't have). So this entire pregnancy I've had cervical checks, monthly ultrasounds and multiple visits to the MFM. Not that I mind the extra monitoring, I don't, for even a second with all we went through to have this little miracle right here in front of us, and only a few months away from being able to hold her in our arms. 

The issues that have come up are marginal cord insertion, which they aren't concerned about, especially since it can cause growth restrictions, but for her, it has not in the least. So it's just something they watch. 

Echogenic bowel. So if you remember, the boys BOTH had this as well from 20 weeks on. This is supposed to be rare. It also can be a soft marker for downs syndrome, cystic fibrosis or a virus such as Toxoplasmosis or CMV. We've gone through multiple screens for down syndrome and we're at very low risk. Trevor was genetically tested at CCRM and is not a carrier for CF, so again, an extremely low risk there. I was tested for the above mentioned viruses and I was negative. So just like Kelly and the boys we have this fluke that we just watch that it seems will be nothing, just like it was nothing with the boys. I certainly am less freaked out about it after going through this before and knowing it really can mean nothing at all. But so strange that all three of my children have this odd little fluke in utero. 

I also failed my 1-hour glucose test. I was pretty nervous going into the 3-hour but I got word yesterday that I passed! To add that complication to the mix would have been pretty stressful. But because Liddy is measuring at about 75th percentile, I was thinking it really was a good possibility that I would fail. 

I also have regular Braxton Hicks, sometimes every few minutes. However, I was monitored in L&D one night and they aren't effecting my cervix at all. I just need to try and take it easy when I can. Hard to do that with all I have going on, but, I'm doing my best. Luckily, sitting or lying down tends to make them stop. 

Lastly, placenta accreta. They've been monitoring me for this since week 20. I've seen the MFM twice and their is an area of concern, but they aren't ready to call it accreta yet. However, at 34 weeks I'll be seeing him again and they'll be looking for a more concrete decision on that area and how to proceed. If it is an accreta or potential accreta, I'll be having a c-section and most likely a hysterectomy. IF they do the hysterectomy, I've requested that they remove my ovaries as well. My biggest concern obviously, for all of this is the recovery. Not only will I have a newborn, but I'll also have 5 month old twins. To think about how long I'll be down and not able to truly care for them hurts my heart. But, I also want Liddy to be delivered as safely as possible for her and me. I've asked that my ovaries be removed in that instance because of my family history. My mother's ovarian cancer was very aggressive and resistant to chemotherapy. I've also found links to endometriosis and that specific cell type of cancer. If they are in there removing parts, I'd rather go through a bit of menopause vs. risking the chance of my babies having to lose their mother and my husband losing his wife. My mother died only 14 years older than I am right now. This is something I was planning on doing in about 5 years regardless. I've put a lot of thought into this and while I know that it's a big decision, we've been beyond blessed in ways that can not be measured this year. I could not feel more complete with our little family. 

So I'm going into this with no birth plan. I've waited too long and worked too hard to stress over how she comes into the world. The fact that she does in fact come into the world safely is my plan. 

 

My due date is January 4th. We kinda hope she's born in December just so we can say all our babies were born in 2015. How crazy. But whenever she arrives, we will be over the moon. It's a happiness that I wish for anyone and everyone that wants so badly to hold their child in their arms. We are in a far different place than we were just one year ago. 

How far along:  The above picture was taken today - 30 weeks

Total weight gain?  This is a point of stress for me. I've gained 37 pounds this pregnancy. Seems like an awful lot for a singleton. My doctor doesn't seem to concerned, but with 10 weeks left, I'm a bit nervous!

Maternity clothes?  Yes. I can wear my pre-pregnancy leggings, but everything else is maternity.

Stretch marks?  Still none... just biding my time though.

Sleep:  Ha. This is a funny one. Between 3 month old twins, going pee every hour and being overall uncomfortable, I'm pretty sure sleep is just a thing of my past. And that's okay!

Best moment this week:  Passing my 3-hour glucose test after failing my 1-hour. Whew!!

Miss anything?  Sushi and red wine. But giving it up has been absolutely worth it a million times over.

Movement:  Lots and lots of this! And it's really kicked into high gear these past few weeks. I love every little kick!

Food cravings:  Pasta, french fries, apples and ice cream. Probably why I'm up 37 pounds.

Anything make you queasy or sick?  Haven't felt queasy since the first trimester, thank goodness.

Gender:  A little miss.

Labor Signs:  Braxton Hicks seem to be a regular thing for me. Mostly when I'm up walking around a lot or cleaning, etc. When I sit or lie down, they stop.

Symptoms:  Just back pain and pelvic bone pain. I'm seeing a chiropractor and massage therapist to help. I'm sure it's because not only am I carrying this baby inside me, but also carrying two on the outside, so this is no surprise. Also have a bit of heartburn and I'm stuffy a lot at night.  

Belly button in or out?  It's WAY out. I always had a borderline outtie...so it's been out since about 20 weeks.

Wedding rings on or off?  Still on

Looking forward to:  My 34 week ultrasound with the MFM to really have an indication of what kind of labor this will be. 

 Her sweet profile

It appears our baby girl will hold her own against her brothers. Check out her biceps!

I think she looks like Casey.

Luckily, we got the majority of her nursery done before we left for Texas. Only had a few finishing touches when we got home. Funny. We use her nursery a lot right now when we are both changing or rocking the boys. It comes in pretty handy having two! (Liddy's room is Stella the cat's favorite place to be)

The 4 photos make up the Wizard of Oz Quote:

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Skies are Blue

And Dreams that you Dare to Dream

Really do Come True"

She

My daughter

Last Friday we got the results of the Panarama test that looks for risks of chromosome abnormalities. The great thing (and most important thing) is the test came back "very low risk". This was a huge weight off my mind. All I've been able to think about is how bad my eggs have always been. During IVF, past pregnancies, etc. Not to mention the fact that I'll be 38 in a few weeks. So this news was music to my ears. 

Then the nurse asked if we wanted to know the gender. Of course we did...and I waited during that brief pause, knowing no matter what, it didn't matter...then the nurse said...it's a girl...and I broke down in tears.

A few minutes later we were getting an ultrasound and I saw my daughter...my healthy little girl. Not only that, but she gave us the most beautiful view of her. And here I am, 12 weeks and 1 day, and finally, well almost, feeling like this might be real and actually happening. In six short months, I may be holding my three precious babies in my arms. The thought fills my heart with so much love and it's difficult to hold back the emotions that come with that. 

I'm not sure how I could possibly deserve this, and every day I worry about what's to come, is this really too good to be true? All I can do is take it day by day and hope that my three little miracles will all arrive safely into this world. 

My unborn boys are big brothers. It's still crazy to even say that out loud. We have been sharing with our closest friends and family the past week or so and the responses have been amazing. So much love, happiness, tears and of course, a little shock too! We know it's going to be hard...but, it will be so worth it. 

The boys will be 30 weeks on Thursday and will have an update on Friday with how they are doing. Time is flying by and we will also be a month out from when we leave for Texas. I'm so anxious and ready to be there. To see Kelly and her family. And to meet these little guys. So much happy right now, I just pray for it to continue. 

Two Miracles and a Rainbow

*A request to anyone that reads this blog and knows me in real life. I am not ready to share this news with friends and family. So please, please respect that and let me tell this story in my own way and in my own time. Thank you! 

This has been a difficult post to write. We've been through so much heartache and loss and I had moved on from ever believing something like this would be possible. And we were and are okay with that. We have two perfect boys arriving in August. The way they were conceived and are coming into this world is an absolute gift. I can't even comprehend how lucky we are that we have them. And not just them...but Kelly. Kelly and her family are forever a part of our family now. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Maybe this happened because my heart literally soars when visiting Texas. Seeing my babies and spending time with her amazing kids. Maybe that sent my ovaries (and uterus) into overdrive. So I will forever believe that Kelly is giving me my twins, my little miracles, but she also may be giving me my rainbow baby.

Several weeks ago...I got this...

I struggled with how and when to share this news on my blog. I feel guilty for one. Guilty for all of a sudden going from infertile to three babies. That seems way to lucky. Too good to be true. I had given up on dreams of a large family. I was thrilled with the twins because at least my children would have a sibling. This...is beyond what all my post-infertility dreams could imagine. But with that, comes the guilt because there are so many friends that I want and need to have this kind of miracle. I hope and pray for them every single day and will never stop until everyone gets the joy of holding their child. I know how much I ache for that...and I know how much many of you still ache for that as well. All I can say is miracles really do happen. So please, please see this news of mine as hope that no matter how bad things are, no matter how hopeless things seem to be...you can and will beat the odds. 

I also have a history of loss. With two ectopics under my belt, a chemical and a blighted ovum...I needed to be sure before really coming out with this pregnancy. I had four betas early on...all doubled appropriately. But the blighted ovum back in 2011 really did a number on me. With that pregnancy my betas were great. But when we got to the ultrasound at 6w3d...there was nothing but an empty sac...no baby, no heartbeat. I was 34 years old then. Now I'm almost 38. I couldn't fathom this being a healthy pregnancy. 

Last Wednesday at 6w2d I had my first ultrasound. And this is what we saw...

A baby. An actual baby. In MY uterus. And best of all. It had a heartbeat of 120. I had never heard that sweet sound coming from my body before. It was amazing and emotional. Not just for me and my husband, but for the doctor that has so kindly treated me so well through all my years of monitoring me for CCRM, doing IUI's and now this...Midwest Fertility I'm happy to say, is probably one of the most compassionate and kind clinics I've had the pleasure of being a patient at. And even with a natural pregnancy, they didn't even question following this pregnancy and absolutely embracing me. These are the people that know me. That saw me for every blood draw for CCRM, for every heartbreaking ultrasound...but never got the credit...good or bad for my treatments. But they are probably the clinic that I will hold closest to my heart for the way they have treated me. They cried tears of happiness for me these past few weeks. I love them for that. 

This past week, I got hit with symptoms. PREGNANCY symptoms. I've never had these before! My boobs are killing me and wow I am nauseous literally 24 hours a day. It sucks!! And I love it!! I can't believe it and I'll take every crappy moment!! For moments like today...

When I got to see "Baby C" and how much he or she grew! At 7w3d the baby is measuring three days ahead with a heart rate of 164. The doctor said everything looks perfect. He's so shocked!! I mean...seriously...who isn't!? He said that if this all works out, I will be one of his most favorite stories ever. This is supposed to be impossible. This is supposed to be a less than 1% chance. We used donor eggs. We used a surrogate. I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. I have Stage III Endometriosis. And the biggest kicker of all, as if those weren't enough...I have Asherman's Syndrome. I'm no where near out of the woods. But I couldn't wait any longer to share this with the people that have supported me from day one. 

And honestly...it's overwhelming. We have twins coming in August. And if things continue to go well, I'll be half way through this pregnancy. I'm going to have three babies under six months old. It's crazy!! I have no idea how we'll do it. But even though I know there are going to be some hard times ahead of us...I'm so happy. We both are. Thrilled actually. That our family will be absolutely complete in every way we could have ever imagined. 

Cheers...this is a first

Bad news always happens right before the holidays. At least for me it has.

My mother died on November 18th, 2008.

Our first ultrasound with our first pregnancy ended also, on November 18th, 2011. (Please note, that November 18th has officially been erased from my calendar)

I was told that IVF would never work for me, that donor eggs were my only option in December, 2012.

And on December 20th, 2013 after going through more pregnancy loss and finally using donor eggs...I was told that my best bet for ever having a child would be through surrogacy.

So to say that my holidays have been filled with heartache and loss is stating the obvious. Our New Year's toasts have always been something to the effect of...

"Well it can only get better in 20__" or "It certainly can't get any worse than 20__". And each year, it seemed we were wrong. So on New Years Eve, 2013, we just said..."Cheers 2014, to being married to the love of my life...and it all working out".

Our 2014 started off rocky. We knew we faced an uphill battle. Surgery, our one and only FET, and if that failed...finding (and being able to afford) a gestational surrogate.

There was pain in 2014. Unimaginable amounts of hurt that I'll never forget. I've always tried to put on a happy face. To have faith and hope. But I've been broken too.

June, 9 2014

The day our transfer failed

The day that our FET failed and my husband broke for the first time in our 3 year journey, I really felt true loss. Because we both knew that to have a child...my body had to be left behind. Our child or children would not have my mothers smile, or my eyes. And I...would never know pregnancy.

A few days later...K and I seriously began conversations about surrogacy. Things began to shift at that moment, and they haven't stopped. I will always be infertile. It's not a war I'll ever win. I'll never be "out of the trenches" as we say. 

But that's okay. I have faith that I will have my little family. Every day, I hope and pray that this pregnancy will be healthy and happy and it won't matter how they arrived...because when he or she is here, I get forever. I get to be a mother. I get to tell my child how many people were involved in making them happen. I want them to grow up knowing...how much they are loved by so many people. 

For the first time...a year didn't end with a whole new set of shitty news. It ended with the simple words, "pregnant". It ended with two amazing pink lines. Whatever I did to deserve this kind of happy. I'm forever grateful.

So Cheers, 2015...to dreams coming true.

December 24, 2014

Positive Beta Day

*We had a 3rd beta on Monday at 20dp5dt. It was 18,315. Our ultrasound is in 5 days. I do not know how much I'll share from that ultrasound. This blog has become very public with friends and family and we may keep a little to ourselves other than a "thumbs up". So just be prepared. 

But to my infertility blog friends...all you have to do is ask. xoxoxo

Delicious Ambiguity

This summer has been full of emotions. Some good. Some bad. Some are somewhere in the middle. 

We finally had our first and only transfer cycle, and of course...it failed. We immediately began conversations with our potential gestational carrier. I feel so very blessed that she came into our life at the exact moment I needed her and I'm extremely thankful for how she came into our life. I'm also relieved that I was able to quickly shift our heartbreak from our FET to something positive...to something filled with hope. 

However, the surrogacy process is not quick. There are many steps and procedures that are completely out of my hands. While I am still very hopeful and excited for this direction, I have felt a bit of that disappointing sadness seep back into my heart. We were so busy May, June and July that things just never settled down enough for me to really feel all the emotions that come with the loss of the ability to carry our child. 

I feel like I'm stuck in this odd place of limbo. I'm in this state of knowing that we've let go of "trying to conceive" and moved on from fertility treatments, yet we are turning to someone else, a different direction in order to bring our baby home. It's been so long since we weren't trying that even knowing we aren't...brings sadness and a sense of "giving up". 

I've been very open about our struggles to most of our family, to friends and to strangers. Especially in the last year or so. Generally, I have received nothing but well wishes, love and support. While a small few have asked things like "why don't you just adopt?” It was the question this past Friday that really hit me...

"You really want to have a baby that bad?"

Does it all seem too desperate? All the treatments we've done...IUI's, IVF, Donor Eggs and now, hopefully Surrogacy. Does it seem like we've gone too far?

My uterus was damaged during a routine surgery. It wasn't my fault. We have put all of our savings and retirement into this...to just walk away? Leave those embryos that we hoped for and love so much, and just what?? Adopt? Live childfree? Are those supposed to be easy options? Because they aren't. One is starting an entirely new process from scratch. The other means leaving a hole in my heart forever. 

So to answer her question...yes. I want a baby...a family, that bad.

I don't expect everyone to understand, to agree or to even necessarily accept what has brought us to this moment. Just as I will never judge or criticize anyone the right to decide how best to live their life and to create their family. 

I wish that I had started when I was younger. But we started trying the same month I turned 34...and was never supposed to be "too old". I wish I had started fertility treatments sooner. I wish that I had made my doctor PROVE that the pregnancy was in my uterus last year before performing the D&C that cost me my ability to carry. 

But I didn't. And this is what we're left with. It's not necessarily how we thought we'd have a family or even hoped, but do you think for a second that when our baby is placed in our arms that it will matter how he or she got there? 

We are here. And I have no regrets. I'm just trying to hold onto my hope and do the best I can to not give up. 

I'm only human...

I can take so much, before I've had enough…

but I'm only human

and I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human...

and I crash and I break down

It didn't work. 

We knew it was a long shot. But we had hoped that after all that it's taken for us to get to this moment, maybe this once the odds would land on our side. 

They didn't.

I started testing last week, and I knew. So many people try and say that they implant later with FET's…or you have to wait till your beta. Some people even said don't analyze the symptoms, but I never had any to analyze. I know that it's because everyone wants this for us, so they hang on to every little shred of hope. I'd by lying if I didn't wake up every morning these past few days, hoping they were right. 

They weren't.

Words keep going through my head that I can't seem to shake. It's words that have haunted me for years. Words that for some reason, I've always feared.

I cannot have children. 

I can't make a baby. I don't have enough eggs. I can't carry a baby. I have a broken womb. 

I cannot have children. 

Here I am, one month shy of my 37th birthday. The year that our "fertility takes a nose dive"…but my fertility left me a long time ago. Now it's time to face that, and what it means.

I won't lie and say that I'm okay. I'm really not. I've cried in the middle of a parking lot at a mall. I cried driving down the road. I've cried on my couch and while curled up in bed. I've cried on my husband's shoulder. Right now, my heart is broken because what I want most in this world is to complete my family with T…and no doctor, no specialist, no matter where we go or who we see, is going to fix me. 

CCRM has worked miracles for many couples with some of the toughest cases…but I'm not going to be one of them.

I cannot have children.

Yesterday I went to see "The Fault In Our Stars". I read the book, so I realized what I was doing when I decided to go see this movie (by myself). And yes…I pretty much cried for the entire two hour film. Some because of the movie, and some for me…

There is a quote in the movie that hit me: 

"Apparently the world is not a wish making factory"

No, Augustus Waters, it is not.

My infertility journey is coming to an end. There is nothing more that can be done for me. Or that I will allow. I cannot risk wasting another embryo on my body. We have to move on. There are only five left.

So this week we'll begin to look for our gestational carrier. Whoever she is, hopefully she makes all our dreams come true. I can only imagine what a special person she will be.

I'll be thinking about how my child will not have my eyes, or my mother's smile. How I'll never be the one to bring him or her into this world. 

We'll be grieving for the embryo that we lost. Our best. And he or she is gone because I couldn't provide a healthy place for it. 

On Thursday, we will celebrate our wedding anniversary. 3 years. I wish I could say it's been nothing but bliss. Infertility has kept a dark cloud hovering over our entire marriage. What it has been filled with is love. And support. Holding each other up, when we needed it most. Making each other laugh, even when we'd rather cry. 

He's my everything. Can you tell? 

We'll get through this.

I can do it

I can do it

I'll get through it

But I'm only human

It Was Finally Our Day

We're back home!!

I have to say…leaving was very emotional for me. So many wonderful things happened while we were in Colorado, that it was very hard to say goodbye.

My post last week recapped all the medical drama with ultrasounds, meds and fluid. This post, I'd like to recap all the great moments we had.

On Memorial Day, we took a day trip with our friends and family to the zoo in Colorado Springs.

Not sure this needs anymore explanation!! 

I also received this beautiful bouquet of flowers from my sweet friend, Amanda. Those of you who follow her blog, know her kindness and love is an inspiration. I especially loved that since we weren't staying at a hotel, she took a little extra initiative and conspired with my husband to make sure these got to me. Love her. Love her. Love her. They were beautiful right up until the day we came home.

One evening we were able to spend with some friends that I grew up with. We realized that we had known each other for 30 years!! These wonderful people were dear, dear friends of my mothers and it meant so much to be able to see them. It's such a lovely experience to be able to still have contact with people that were such an important part of your life when you were a child and to have them give such warmth and well wishes during a time when I needed it most. 

T's brother and his wife moved to Denver recently and we were able to see them most every day that we were in town. They're building a great life there and we're so happy for them. Reminds us how much we wish we lived closer to one another. They got up extra early on Friday to have a special "pre-transfer" breakfast with us. I could never thank them enough for being so supportive and loving to us during this time. 

I also was able to spend some quality time with my sister-in-law. We see each other over holidays, but it's not often that her and I get to really enjoy some good girl time together. We enjoyed long walks, mani/pedi's, shopping, talking and well, eating. I know how busy she is and was so grateful that she made us (ME) such a priority last week. I hope she knows how much I love her and how happy I am to call her a sister. 

We were in Denver for a solid 10 days. That's a long time away from home. It's also a long time to stay in a hotel room, especially when we're dealing with trying to work while in Colorado and being on bed rest and the cost of that kind of extended stay, etc. When we told our close friends that we'd be out there, there was no hesitation. Obviously, we'd stay with them. They're generosity and kindness to us during this time still overwhelms me. They have 3 children that are in their last few weeks of school, yet they welcomed us into their home, allowed us to disrupted their lives and routines and made us feel as comfortable as we would have been in our own home. There are no words for how thankful I am to have them as friends. People like this are rare these days. And not only them, but their children as well. Children that were so concerned about how much I "moved" while on bed rest and just curled up by my side for two days. These children melted my heart.  It's only been a day and I miss them so much. 

Finally my husband…what would I do without him? He's so kind, caring and best of all…he loves me to the moon (and back about a gazillion times). 

Hope he realizes that as much as he loves me, I love him about triple that. 

As I said before, the doctor said that the transfer went beautifully. Our 4AA thawed like a champ and if a miracle is possible, could be OUR baby. There's nothing I want more. Even with our low odds, I cling to hope that this is possible. 

Here's a few more pics documenting transfer day...

 

I even wore my mom's bracelet and ring all week for good luck. 

I tend to have a lot of anxiety. To the point that I sometimes have panic attacks or "nervous tummy syndrome"…as my bestie's daughter would say, "tummy pooptitis". Never fails. Important phones calls, doctors visits, ultrasounds, everything sends me into a nervous tizzy. 

Last week in what should have been my most nerve-wracking moments of my 3-year-trying-to-conceive history, I was the most relaxed and calm I've ever been. I credit all of the people above for giving me that wonderful gift. If anything, I was very emotional during the transfer...to have finally made it to that moment.

Our beta is scheduled for next Monday (6/9). I know that the trigger shot is still in my system, so at this point, I'm unsure if I'll try and test that out, or if I'll wait it out till Monday. 

TBD…

But we finally had our day, our moment…in one week, we'll see what comes of it...