Friday, May 8, 2015

This Mother's Day...

This day has so many meanings for me. So much heartache, so much hurt, so much joy and so many memories. Most importantly, for the first time, it's a day of "what's to come".

Mother's Day will forever be bittersweet to me. Even when I hold my babies close, when they bring me flowers and pictures that they made in school, the day will be a reminder of what's been lost.

My joy and my memories of my mother are always in my heart. But there are times that I feel selfish...I want her here. I want her helping me plan for my babies.  I want her to help me with the nursery. I want her to be the first one to hold them after Trevor and I. I want her helping to take care of them when they are sick. To be standing next to me cheering the loudest when they have a soccer game or a school show. I want her to meet Kelly. To meet THEM. I want them to know her. I feel like my boys are missing out on a grandparent that would have been on the floor rolling around with them and playing in the dirt outside with them. She would have been that kind of grandmother. This all makes me so very sad.

But...for me, I will get to finally be a mother. This isn't my first Mother's Day. Next year will be the official "first". But this year, I get to see that light. See that I finally will get to be called the most wonderful title that anyone woman could ever be graced with. Mom.

I'm also still hurting for my friends that are still waiting for that moment. For that light to shine on them. I want them to keep believing. Keep hoping. Keep being brave. It's what will get you through. I want to wrap them all in my arms and hold them tight. I want the pain to go way and I want them to finally have their dreams come true. This is my wish for you.

And to all my wonderful friends that are finally going to be celebrated after way too many treatments and years of struggles. Enjoy. Enjoy every single minute of YOUR day. I will be thinking of you on Sunday. I'll be smiling in honor of your joy.

Most especially, Happy Mother's Day to Kelly. For being a super mom every single day to her four children. And for being the best SurroMom that I could even have imagined for my little guys.


9 comments:

  1. You're mom would be so, so, so proud of you! I mean, how could she not be? I hope this Mother's Day, while its not technically your "first," that you will feel hopeful. And loved. Both by your mother who loved you deeply and your boys who can't wait to meet you!

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  2. I wish I could hug you. It's not the first time I've wished that. I'm so, so happy for you will get to be a mom after all these years. I'm also so sorry about your mom not being here. I know that's really hard and my thoughts are with you tomorrow. *hugs*

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  3. I wish your Mom was here too...but I'm sure she's watching all of this happen and smiling :) You are the light. I see the light when I read your posts and it helps me that there is hope. Everything you have been through has brought you to these babies...I am beyond happy for you and what your future holds...lots of love to you tomorrow Momma :) xoxo

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  4. Al though she's not here with u I'm sure she is watching over ur two sons. U are a mommy to be and there for u should be celebrated on mothers day. Extremely happy for u!!

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  5. I can't imagine how hard it must be without your mom but I am sure she is looking over your little ones. OX

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  6. I am so sorry your Mom is not with you, but I'm so happy you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is going to be so amazing once your babies are here. They will be a little piece of heaven in your arms :)

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  7. I'm glad that this mother's day feels different for you. The sadness about your mother not being alive continues, and I am sorry she is not with you as you become a mother yourself. And I am so glad that your life has opened up in such a way that you have gained a new family with Kelly, and that you will soon be welcoming your sons.
    I think your story gives heaps of hope to other women who struggle to become mothers. You have never given up, even when the odds were stacked against you. Your resilience is inspiring.

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  8. I think mother's day is bittersweet for many people. I am so sorry the boys won't have their grandmother here with them to see them grow up, but I have no doubt they will feel her presence and feel as if they know her through all the stories you will tell. xo

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  9. I think mother's day is bittersweet for many people. I am so sorry the boys won't have their grandmother here with them to see them grow up, but I have no doubt they will feel her presence and feel as if they know her through all the stories you will tell. xo

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