Monday, November 18, 2013

A day to forget

November 17, 2008

Message from mom..."hey, it's me, bye".

6 pm: Home from work, we spoke on the phone. Her cancer had returned a month ago, only 6 weeks after her first round of treatments concluded. She was on a very aggressive chemo that unlike the first round, she's much weaker, she needs blood transfusions and her breathing is more labored. We talked about Thanksgiving. She had been wanting so much to come to Indianapolis again. I was ordering a hospital bed for her, so she could sleep better while she was here. I told her, "Mom, I'll come there, you know I will". She said, maybe that's a good idea. She cried. I know it isn't what she had hoped for. I told her I'd take care of everything and could tell she had talked enough already and we hung up. I thought to myself...I didn't say I love you...should I call back? No...she needs her rest.

I fell asleep early that night. Even forgetting to take my phone upstairs.

November 18, 2008

T wakes me up around 7 am, he has almost 10 missed calls on his phone.

I rush to call my step-dad. My mom is gone. I collapsed on the floor and T runs to me, knowing what this means. I guess I should be thankful. The calls all came in after she was gone. There was nothing I could do. Maybe she wanted me to have that last night's rest.

A blood clot. It was not the cancer took her, but the effects of the chemo that got her first. After a summer of treatments, she said we'd get to say goodbye 1000 times. She was wrong. There is never a day that goes by that I won't think of the words left unsaid. That I won't relive the moment I chose not to call her back and say, "Mom...I love you".

I've never been much of a saver. I don't have years of birthday cards that she (or anyone) gave me. But I do have the last birthday card she gave me. I read it every so often. This specific card, was perfect and I will treasure it, always.

A Letter for My Daughter 
On Her Birthday

Dear Suzanne,

Think of a mitten and a hand 
or the way tea fills the curve of a teacup. 
In the same way, there is 
a place in my life
shaped like you.
Before you came, 
I did not even know it was there. 
But afterward, I knew
I had always had it, 
this quiet and waiting space 
in the middle of my heart
that you, and 
only you, could fill.
And even more than the day 
you came into my world...
I love you. 

Always.
Mom

November 18, 2011

I've had my doubts about this pregnancy. The lack of symptoms and the brown spotting that had lasted for more than a week. Yet, the past few days, the spotting had stopped and the morning sick was starting. I started to believe that maybe it was possible...but this particular day, at my ultrasound appointment, I found out how cruel the world truly could be. My pregnancy was not meant to be. There was no fetal pole. No yolk sac. No heart beat.

Now I go back to the card that my mom gave me. Because now when I read it. I not only long for her. But I long for what else this card stands for. There is a place in my life...in my heart that only a child can fill. Yet here I am. Without a child. Without my mother. On what's been one of the worst days of my life.

November 18th. I do not care for you. 






25 comments:

  1. I am so sorry and hope today passes quickly and uneventfully for you.

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  2. suzanne. I'm so sorry that this day pains you as it does. I pray that you take some time today to feel your mothers love. That is the only thing that can console your heart with this pain. hug T a little tighter tonight, I will do the same with my Hubby. Because we truely do not know how much time each of us has here on this earth. Big hug from me. xoxo

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  3. Oh Suzanne, I'm so sorry, friend! What a TERRIBLE way to lose your mom... and then to lose your baby. I'm pretty sure today would be a day I knocked out on ambien every year. : ) Thinking of you today! Hope it is over as quickly and painlessly as possible! Love you!

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  4. Reading this makes my heart hurt so badly for you. It is literally hard to breathe normally after reading this. I share your pain. I am hugging you from here. I wish I could snap my fingers and make a beautiful healthy baby appear for you and T to fill that giant gaping hole in both of your hearts. I know it seems there is nothing to rejoice in right now, but I really feel in my heart your dream of motherhood is going to come true, one way or another.

    Please be kind to yourself today and this week. You have every reason to be sad, but just don't forget that you deserve to treat yourself with kindness. You are doing everything you possibly can to help things go right, and eventually it WILL pay off! Love you so much girl!

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  5. This is all just so heartbreaking!! I wish I had some words to offer that could take away some of your pain... I hope you can feel your Mothers love and support today (and every day) Take care of yourself xo

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  6. wishing you lots of comfort on this hard day... hugs!

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  7. Sending prayers your way today Suzanne. What a tough day, but hope you can rest in all the sweet memories you got to have with your mom. I'm so sorry for this tough day and week ahead

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  8. I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling today. I hope that you find something that brings you comfort. Your mom will always be with you..

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  9. Thinking of you today, sweet friend. xo

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  10. I'm so sorry. :( You are in my prayers

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  11. Thank you for this post because there are so many times where I fail to say "I love you" or the call was dropped before I got to say "good bye" and I just shrug it off. Never again will I "shrug it off". My heart aches for you and I'm praying that you will have peace.

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  12. (excuse me while I wipe my tears). What a big hole such a loving, adoring mother leaves. And what a big hole infertility makes. And somehow, you manage to remain whole yourself. It's clear that this hurts very much, and yet, you still somehow keep trying. You are a very strong, resilient woman, dear Suzanne. I admire you very much.

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  13. Oh, sweet Suzanne, I am so sorry this day holds such hard reminders for you. I literally just bawled my eyes out reading this. I wish I could reach through the computer, give your a HUGE hug, pour you a glass of wine, and turn on a hilarious chick flick.... like Bridesmaids or something.

    Thinking of you xoxoxoxox

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  14. wishing you some peace on this difficult day

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  15. My mom died suddenly in 2006 and I still remember the phone conversation we had the night before she died like it was yesterday. Anniversaries can be so very hard, but the anniversary of losing your mother is terrible, and even more so when you are struggling with infertility. I'm thinking of you, hoping you find peace on this difficult day.

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  16. I'm so sorry, Suzanne. This is such a heartbreaking story. My mom died on November 24, and although the details were different, I didn't really get to say goodbye to her, either. When I arrived at the hospital she still recognized me though she was barely there. The next day, she didn't wake up, and the day after that she was gone.

    Her card is so beautiful! I so much hope you will one day have a child to fill that special place in your heart.

    Sending so many good thoughts your way, especially today.

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  17. sending you big hugs right now, xo

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  18. Ugh I'm so sorry Suzanne! I hope this day goes by as quickly as possible for you but I also hope you have felt peace and comfort and love throughout the day! Your mom knows of your love as well as your future baby that will fill your heart one day! I am sending you the biggest hug through the computer. You are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

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  19. Praying for you, your mom, and that future baby.

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  20. I'm so sorry for your loss. Here's to hoping that November 19th is a great day to start healing. xo

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  21. I wish I had any words that would be of true comfort, but I really don't know what those words would even be. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. It is truly unfair how much some people have to face at one time. I'm thinking of you and praying. Big, big hugs.

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  22. Just thinking of you today. Hoping you made it through yesterday ok. xo

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    1. Oh man. I made it through, but it was a doozie of a day. More because of my IF issues than anything. :-/

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  23. I am so sorry to hear this. :( I am sure that your mom knew how much you loved her. Don't beat yoursef up for not saying those words. They're just words. She knew how you felt about her. I am thinking about you during this hard time and praying that you find peace.

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  24. I am so sorry I'm behind on my blogging, I know your mom was with you that day and watches over you constantly. I tend to think of people who've passed on like they are my own guardian angels watching and protecting me. *hugs*

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