Autumn Mug Swap was the past few weeks. One of the sweetest gals and a fellow CCRM'er and advertising worker bee, Jessah, put this fabulous idea together and I was thrilled that we were matched. She made my day when I received so much more than just a mug (I've been in a whirl wind lately, and wasn't nearly as creative).
Sipping on my tea, as I write this post. Thank you Jessah...you are amazing.
We also celebrated T's actual birthday and spent a weekend in St. Louis. Where my mother lived for most of her life (and I lived for 11 years). I have so many friends there and this is where T and I met, but I don't get back as often as I'd like. It's very emotional and I usually struggle crossing the bridge into downtown, seeing the arch, without shedding a few tears. The memories are countless.
I was kind enough not to make T blow out 40 candles. He made it through and seems to be handling his new decade with grace, just like I knew he would.
This past weekend as many of you probably have heard about, there were deadly storms that ravaged the midwest. They swirled all around us, but we somehow, only got a little light rain and wind. But I did happen to look out my bedroom window and see this. I hope it's a sign, because I really need one.
Finally, Monday afternoon, I came home and found this on my doorstep. My best friend and her daughter, left this for me. Thank you, J, for giving me the opportunity to have cupcakes and wine for dinner and know that I was loved a little extra that day.
So back to Monday's testing. I can't make sense of anything anymore and to be honest, I know I've had low moments these past few years, but I'm struggling right now. Maybe more than ever.
I don't know how to pray for this dream I've had my whole life, but seems that all odds are stacked against me
I don't know who I will be, if this doesn't work out and my life becomes one that is childless
What kind of wife, friend, sister...will I be if that happens?
Where do I get the strength to move forward even though I know, I'll never be able give up?
I'm 36, but I've aged the past few years. I feel decades older
Because the last several years have broken my heart again and again.
I'm angry at the world for all the loss that I have endured. But then I think of Holly, Conceptionally Challenged, The Unexpected Trip and my dearest N and the grief they are facing in this moment and I'm angry and sad for them as well.
E2 - 911 (9-1-1 is right!! WTF)
P4 - 1.64 (elevated...nothing new)
Lining - 2.2mm
Right Ovary - 20mm follicle/cyst (no one knows which since we don't know where I am in a cycle)
CCRM - Keep waiting for a period
Me - I'm concerned about lining damage from my D&C. My gut says there's more going on here and I want to know what. What about a hysteroscopy? What about a low dose stim cycle to get me going? What about something...anything??
CCRM - We don't want to put you through that yet.
Me - Puh-LEEEZE...put me through it!!
CCRM - Call us next week if you don't have a period.
Me - Flip off my phone and throw it on the bed.
This entire year has been nothing but waiting. Waiting for my body to recover from surgery, from a chemical pregnancy, from crazy hormones, from an ectopic pregnancy, and now a chronic thin lining.
As some recently said..."we need a win". Yes. We really, really do.
Lastly, I know that there has been a lot of heartache going around, but there are also miracles to celebrate. Congrats to one of my favorite ladies...Aubrey your news has me celebrating and hoping that above all of the hell we go through to make our dreams come true, it's possible to make it out to the other side. Congrats my wonderful friend.
I'll end this on another positive note...my most recent fortune cookie. It was funny how all 3 people at our table got the perfect fortune for each of us. Mine especially.