Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Where do we find the strength?

Everyone left so many kind messages the other day. I wish I could say I spent the day being completely selfish with just me and my memories of my mother. It's what I tried to do. Unfortunately, CCRM had other plans. More on that in a bit. Few things I want to catch up on first.

Autumn Mug Swap was the past few weeks. One of the sweetest gals and a fellow CCRM'er and advertising worker bee, Jessah, put this fabulous idea together and I was thrilled that we were matched. She made my day when I received so much more than just a mug (I've been in a whirl wind lately, and wasn't nearly as creative).


Sipping on my tea, as I write this post. Thank you Jessah...you are amazing.

We also celebrated T's actual birthday and spent a weekend in St. Louis. Where my mother lived for most of her life (and I lived for 11 years). I have so many friends there and this is where T and I met, but I don't get back as often as I'd like. It's very emotional and I usually struggle crossing the bridge into downtown, seeing the arch, without shedding a few tears. The memories are countless.


I was kind enough not to make T blow out 40 candles. He made it through and seems to be handling his new decade with grace, just like I knew he would. 


This past weekend as many of you probably have heard about, there were deadly storms that ravaged the midwest. They swirled all around us, but we somehow, only got a little light rain and wind. But I did happen to look out my bedroom window and see this. I hope it's a sign, because I really need one.


Finally, Monday afternoon, I came home and found this on my doorstep. My best friend and her daughter, left this for me. Thank you, J, for giving me the opportunity to have cupcakes and wine for dinner and know that I was loved a little extra that day.


So back to Monday's testing. I can't make sense of anything anymore and to be honest, I know I've had low moments these past few years, but I'm struggling right now. Maybe more than ever. 

I don't know how to pray for this dream I've had my whole life, but seems that all odds are stacked against me

I don't know who I will be, if this doesn't work out and my life becomes one that is childless

What kind of wife, friend, sister...will I be if that happens?

Where do I get the strength to move forward even though I know, I'll never be able give up? 

I'm 36, but I've aged the past few years. I feel decades older

Because the last several years have broken my heart again and again. 

I'm angry at the world for all the loss that I have endured. But then I think of HollyConceptionally ChallengedThe Unexpected Trip and my dearest N and the grief they are facing in this moment and I'm angry and sad for them as well. 

Labs:

E2 - 911 (9-1-1 is right!! WTF)
P4 - 1.64 (elevated...nothing new)
Lining - 2.2mm 
Right Ovary - 20mm follicle/cyst (no one knows which since we don't know where I am in a cycle)

CCRM - Keep waiting for a period

Me - I'm concerned about lining damage from my D&C. My gut says there's more going on here and I want to know what. What about a hysteroscopy? What about a low dose stim cycle to get me going? What about something...anything?? 

CCRM - We don't want to put you through that yet. 

Me - Puh-LEEEZE...put me through it!!

CCRM - Call us next week if you don't have a period.

Me - Flip off my phone and throw it on the bed.

This entire year has been nothing but waiting. Waiting for my body to recover from surgery, from a chemical pregnancy, from crazy hormones, from an ectopic pregnancy, and now a chronic thin lining. 

As some recently said..."we need a win". Yes. We really, really do. 

Lastly, I know that there has been a lot of heartache going around, but there are also miracles to celebrate. Congrats to one of my favorite ladies...Aubrey your news has me celebrating and hoping that above all of the hell we go through to make our dreams come true, it's possible to make it out to the other side. Congrats my wonderful friend. 

I'll end this on another positive note...my most recent fortune cookie. It was funny how all 3 people at our table got the perfect fortune for each of us. Mine especially. 










23 comments:

  1. Try to hang tight Suzanne. I know it's not the same exact situation, but Aubrey's entire experience with CCRM didn't exactly fly by and neither will Jessah's cycling there. CCRM seems to take their time approaching each individual's circumstances a little differently. I know it must be madding to keep waiting, but in the end if it will bring you SUCCESS, then it's worth it! So many RE's out there rush into each next step, without really dissecting each piece of the puzzle, and I really think you are in good hands. Just let them lead the way. It's their job to stress about it and figure it out FOR YOU. Let them do that.

    "Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." - Author Unknown

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    1. YES! Love this... remind yourself that Aubrey probably thought her first cycle was a disaster... not what she bargained for with CCRM, but it's working out. Smart docs out there... we've got to trust them. Hang in there!

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  2. First of all, you look decades younger... so let's focus on that! : )

    I HATE that there is so much waiting for you... I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting so I know how that feels. But I'm waiting on money not my body... if I was ready to go financially and my body decided to throw a giant hissy fit I would be PISSED and equally sad/frustrated as you are. I hate this for you so much it hurts.

    I'm hopeful that CCRM is right, that a period is just around the corner and that you can call them before next week with the happy news! Love you, friend! On my knees for you because I know that He loves you and cares!

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  3. Oh Suz, I know all too well how frustrating the waiting is - I really, really, do. But I REALLY believe that CCRM knows what they're doing. I do, I do, I do. I am SO hopeful for you and you are in the.best of hands. Try to find hope in all of the little things everyday (as difficult as I know that is). Think of that beautiful rainbow you saw.... And more than anything, know that you're in my heart and are on my mind every day! xoxo

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  4. Waiting is never the easy part. You would think after a while we would be use to it. I'm praying for you, Suzanne. Things need to start looking up.

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  5. Praying for you! Never lose hope! Someone once told me that it is never really over until you give up. Never give up on your dreams. God is a big God and is not bound by what usually happens...he can stretch the limits and cause unheard-of events to occur :) Keep hoping!

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  6. Thinking of you girl! So glad you had a getaway to STL (love that place) and that rainbow, so beautiful, wow!! You are such a strong woman and so inspiring to all of us. When we don't know what to pray, sometimes it's nice to say 'Jesus'. There is so much power in His name. He knows that we are at a loss sometimes, He just wants us to communicate with Him, even if that is just whispering His name xoxo

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  7. I hate that your path has been so hard. You are so sweet and I just wish life was easier for you! I know your story will have a happy ending, your Mom is helping you and you have so many people praying for you. Hugs!! xo

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  8. I hate that you have to wait and wait, cycle after cycle. It's not fair and I hate it for you. I wonder what is going on with that lining? But I have seen, witnessed, had it happen first hand - how the female body will suddenly and unexpectedly do what the he$$ it's supossed to do like someone flipped a switch and was planning it all along. Hang in there. Keep that faith that you always amaze me with. Everyone is right, you have some smart docs out there in Denver. xo hugs!

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  9. I love the fortune you received!
    I am so sorry this is a rough time for you! I know that you will one day have a greater, fuller joy because of all you have been through!
    You are in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Jennifer. Want to wish you lots of good luck too. I know this road is never easy for any of us. I saw your blog is private now, so I wanted to take this second to tell you that I will not stop cheering you on!! xoxo

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  10. Ohhh sweet Suzanne. I wish you didn't have to be in this waiting period. :( I pray the wait is over soon. You have some beautiful blasts waiting for their home. :) xoxo

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  11. You have been waiting and waiting and waiting for so long. I'm so sorry that the forecast calls for more waiting, with dark clouds of FEAR and APPREHENSION. I want it to be different for you, Suzanne. I want the clouds to part and the sun to shine. And I think it will, but I just don't know when.
    Hang one and don't give up, dear woman. I believe wholeheartedly that you will be a mother.

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  12. I know this sucks beyond belief. I just wanna hold you and hug you with how unfair all of this has been, however, CCRM has had such great success, try to continue trusting them. The waiting SUCKS, but the minute you get the BFP you know it's worth it. Just hard now when you don't know when that will be and shit keeps happening. I'm praying for you!!!! *hugs*

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  13. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I believe even more after Aub's pregnancy and my real-life friend D got pregnant...we are at the best clinic. Trust in that. I do believe your dream of becoming a mom will come true. We have no other choice but to believe and keep fighting. Hugs.

    I'm so glad you liked your mug and package. Hopefully it brings you good luck and reminds you that you're not alone on this fight.

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  14. That's a beautiful rainbow! I so much hope it is a sign for you.
    I'm so sorry about the waiting, and waiting, and waiting. I feel like in my professional life time just flies by, but in fertility-related things everything takes forever. Can't we switch those timescales?
    It also sounds like things didn't turn out well for your dear friend, and I'm so sorry to hear that. You and her are in my thoughts.

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    1. Also, have you considered a sonohysterogram? My MFM recommended this to us before trying again, to make sure there is nothing impeding implantation left in the uterus... but then, my situation is quite different, not sure if this would apply in your case.

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  15. Hugs and prayers Suzanne. The waiting is the worst. I felt like years of my life went to waiting, hoping, and feeling like I was just wasting time. So hard.

    I love your fortune! I got a fortune that said "Your dreams are finally about to come true" not too long before our final IVF and I felt like I'd been waiting for a good Chinese food fortune for years. Seriously. I think it's a sign. :)

    Love and hugs and so many prayers for you.

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  16. Sending you love Suzanne. I'm sorry the last few weeks have been so hard. Ali

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  17. Yes, we certainly need a win for Team Suzanne. Cheering you on until then...

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  18. "Because the last several years have broken my heart again and again...." These words resonate with me deeply.

    It's so frustrating to wait. It feels like the clock is ticking by so quickly, and so slowly all at the same time.

    Hugs.

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  19. Hi Suzanne!! I think of you often too!! We are on the battlefield together. I hear you in regards to "waiting."SERIOUSLY ENOUGH waiting!! Anyway, thank you again so much for the journal. I'm reading the book of Job in the Bible and write one verse in it a night.

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