Monday, July 14, 2014

Hope vs. Fear

I've really been struggling with my blog recently. I don't know what to write about. I'm in this strange space between walking away from one road and only just beginning to peer down another. I also keep thinking about my blog title...and web address. I guess I always assumed the baby bump we were after, would be mine.

Our IUI cycle did not work. I didn't really expect it to and I've been okay with that. No tears, no sadness, but still grateful for the information that I gathered from seeing my lining respond better. But there are still so many more issues for me than just my lining. The fluid was still in my uterus, I still have DOR, and I still have endometriosis. Lets be honest, it would have taken the perfect storm for a conception.

I'm excited though. Progress is being made and actions are being taken on our road to find a gestational carrier. It's an overwhelming process. So many things have to fall into place. So much testing and screening has to be done. Lets be honest, CCRM doesn't make anything easy.

Lately, the things going through my head are:

I don't know the motivation behind the incredible women that donate their eggs, and lend their uterus and bodies to another couple. It's hard to imagine. I'm sure there are many reasons. Sure, there is financial gain, but it takes more than that to embrace the burden, the risks and the psychological aspect of what comes with third party reproduction. Is it because they saw someone they love go through the heartbreak of infertility? Are there people in this world that truly just have that much love in their hearts that they want to be a part of another person's miracle?

It's a gift and selfishness that many women can't comprehend. I've had friends that have told me that they could never do it. Yet these women that can are out there. For whatever reason, willing to help someone they've never met to have their (my) dreams come true.

Trust. It has to be there from the beginning. On both sides. I have to trust that she will love and care for our baby for 9 months. She has to trust that we will be amazing parents. I hope that when we find our carrier, that we have a connection. Whatever that relationship is in the future, I will always have her in my heart.

The space in my head is filled with so much emotion. Here I am, ready and willing to accept the help of another woman to have my baby. To lay aside my pride that I will not be the one to carry my child and still embrace what I hope is the path that was meant for me. We've fought long and very hard these past 3 years and have had doors, road blocks and challenges thrown at us at every turn.

So for now, just think of me? Pray for me? Send me whatever good vibes into the universe that you can?

If nothing more, that in these next few months, the challenges and roadblocks that we face are minimal and few?

Today I have a lot of hope. And it scares me.


23 comments:

  1. Sweet Suzanne, I am praying that this new path does not come with any unecessary hardships for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I (fortunately) never had trouble getting pregnant, but I had a lot of problems staying pregnant. Of my four pregnancies, two resulted in live births. One at 34 weeks and one at 37 weeks after 7 weeks of bedrest. I know how hard it is to contemplate the reality that you might never have a baby. And for those of us who want one, that is almost too much to bear. So I would donate my eggs in a heartbeat if I could (sadly I'm 43 so I don't think anyone would take them) and I would be a gestational carrier as well, though again I would be a high risk pregnancy so no one would want me. But have hope. There are a lot of people out there like me. Who understand what you are going through and would just help out if they could.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Al though I could only imagine what these women might be thinking I am sure they have the same worries. My co-workers family actually has a family biz for gestational carriers. She says her cousin gets emotionally involved in the pregnancy. Praying that you find the perfect gestational carrier that you find comfortable with. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm pulling for you and saying all the prayers I can! Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are so brave my friend. To embark on this new, unknown path takes a lot of courage. I'm so proud to call you my friend. You have all of my prayers and positive thoughts for smooth sailing. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You more than have my prayers and have since day 1. You're an amazing, wonderful, and strong woman and I'm glad right now you're at a place of hope. I know this journey has been just one nightmare after another, but I also know the minute your beautiful baby is placed in your arms it will be worth every second of this hell. I continue to follow and support you, I pray for you and I think of you often. *hugs* to you and to T.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sending you so much love and hugs as you head down this path.

    ReplyDelete
  8. As pregnancy can sometimes improve endometriosis symptoms, I've read about some women will serve as GC for that purpose. Hoping you find a great match

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't know whether what I have to say is something that you would want to hear at this stage in your journey, but while I am not a surrogate it is something that I have begun to consider more and more seriously in the last 2-3 years since my daughter was born. I enjoyed being pregnant, and was lucky enough to have almost no side effects, including a relatively easy birth. I would love to be pregnant again, but the chances of me having a child of my own are small. I've also had too many friends struggle with infertility. If there is something that I could do to help out, if not them then someone in their position, some day, this would truly be a special opportunity.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You will make amazing parents. I will hope and pray for a much smoother journey from now on. You have been through so much already. Thinking lots of you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ditto to everything Jessah said. You are SO brave! Can't wait to hear some good news soon!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sending up so many prayers for you. I know how scary hope is, but I'm believing that your hopes will one day be realized. Praying it is sooner rather than later.

    ReplyDelete
  13. The joy of the Lord is our strength!!!! He doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of hope!!!! SO glad you are feeling it from Him and the only way it can be explained in a situation like this is from HIM! Praying for you - that He would provide the perfect gestational carrier.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I will definitely continue to send you many good vibes! I hope you continue to blog because I would miss you if you weren't around. I hope your search for the GC goes well. Maybe you could tells us about how the process goes to find one? I know someone who used a GC in India for their twin girls.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Suzanne you are so courageous and so deserving of your rainbow baby. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday Turn to us when your hope and positivity are failing and we will hold onto it for you. Remember you are never alone and we are always here for you no matter what thoughts and feelings you are having. You are such a beautiful person and I know in my heart that your dreams will come true.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh Suzanne, I am thinking of and praying for you every single day. You are such an inspiration. You are so strong, courageous and you are so filled with hope and faith... even if you don't always feel or see it... it's there. My heart is with you, always. XO

    ReplyDelete
  17. I think it is wonderful that you are feeling hopeful. These women who donate eggs and are surrogates ARE incredible. I wish now that I could do that for someone someday - sadly my body wouldn't allow me to do either! I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and keep that hope!

    ReplyDelete
  18. It takes a lot of courage and strength to get to this point. Most women don't dream of someone else carrying their child. It's just not something you think of when you decide to start a family. It's something I've been thinking about more lately, since my last appt. I still haven't wrapped my head around it and honestly, I don't want to! Not yet anyway.

    I know you will find an amazing GC. Just hang in there! The right person is coming!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am praying that God's mercy, grace, and favor surround you like a shield. I trust and believe that you will be a perfect mother as the perfect carrier is brought into your life by God. Sending you hugs! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Praying that this new path with a GC is much smoother than you can even imagine. I know it's hard to trust that with all you've been through, but this is the final stretch. Hold onto that hope and don't be scared to let it fill your heart. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  21. Nice post,, i'm very enjoyed to visit this site :D

    ReplyDelete
  22. i like a background nice to visit and great walk :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hugs and all the positive vibes sent your way, Suzanne!

    ReplyDelete