I've really been struggling with my blog recently. I don't know what to write about. I'm in this strange space between walking away from one road and only just beginning to peer down another. I also keep thinking about my blog title...and web address. I guess I always assumed the baby bump we were after, would be mine.
Our IUI cycle did not work. I didn't really expect it to and I've been okay with that. No tears, no sadness, but still grateful for the information that I gathered from seeing my lining respond better. But there are still so many more issues for me than just my lining. The fluid was still in my uterus, I still have DOR, and I still have endometriosis. Lets be honest, it would have taken the perfect storm for a conception.
I'm excited though. Progress is being made and actions are being taken on our road to find a gestational carrier. It's an overwhelming process. So many things have to fall into place. So much testing and screening has to be done. Lets be honest, CCRM doesn't make anything easy.
Lately, the things going through my head are:
I don't know the motivation behind the incredible women that donate their eggs, and lend their uterus and bodies to another couple. It's hard to imagine. I'm sure there are many reasons. Sure, there is financial gain, but it takes more than that to embrace the burden, the risks and the psychological aspect of what comes with third party reproduction. Is it because they saw someone they love go through the heartbreak of infertility? Are there people in this world that truly just have that much love in their hearts that they want to be a part of another person's miracle?
It's a gift and selfishness that many women can't comprehend. I've had friends that have told me that they could never do it. Yet these women that can are out there. For whatever reason, willing to help someone they've never met to have their (my) dreams come true.
Trust. It has to be there from the beginning. On both sides. I have to trust that she will love and care for our baby for 9 months. She has to trust that we will be amazing parents. I hope that when we find our carrier, that we have a connection. Whatever that relationship is in the future, I will always have her in my heart.
The space in my head is filled with so much emotion. Here I am, ready and willing to accept the help of another woman to have my baby. To lay aside my pride that I will not be the one to carry my child and still embrace what I hope is the path that was meant for me. We've fought long and very hard these past 3 years and have had doors, road blocks and challenges thrown at us at every turn.
So for now, just think of me? Pray for me? Send me whatever good vibes into the universe that you can?
If nothing more, that in these next few months, the challenges and roadblocks that we face are minimal and few?
Today I have a lot of hope. And it scares me.