Birthday's have never bothered me. Until this one. I've had a lot of apprehension these past few months dreading today. A number shouldn't bother me. Especially one like 37.
However, 37 has always been that number that they tell you is when your fertility takes a giant nose dive. Why would this matter for me? My fertility is way beyond just a number, right? Maybe it's just a reminder that 37 shouldn't be so old to feel this broken.
That didn't stop having a little song in my head from Don McClean this morning when I woke up with catchy new lyrics…"the day, my fertility declined".
Enough about my ho-hum birthday. I've had a lot going on these past few weeks. But for the first time in several years, blogging has become difficult. I feel a little stuck…and to be honest, a little left behind. This is a different direction that I ever expected to go and I'm still navigating the grief that comes with that and also the excitement of going forward towards something that can be successful.
I also decided after our failed FET, that I needed a distraction. The processes for Gestational Surrogacy is not quick by any means. I needed something to take my mind off of it as tiny little steps were being taken.
So we decided to do an IUI cycle locally. I had no plans to blog about it. And while I can't say for certain at this point, because I won't test until later this week, but my heart knows it didn't work, I mean, we knew the likelihood was a long shot, but still, it was a distraction.
A distraction I'm thankful for. We learned a great deal from this cycle and BFP or BFN, I'm so glad I decided to do it.
1) I had left over meds that I was able to use and not spend any money on, aside from the trigger shot.
2) While my left ovary decided to remain in retirement. My right ovary decided to come to the party. I had two follicles on low doses of Menopur and Gonal-f. That's the same amount of eggs retrieved on extremely HIGH doses of meds during my IVF.
3) And this is the biggie…my uterus joined this little party too.
My lining reached 7.8mm
Pretty amazing since CCRM told me that I would probably never reach a lining thicker than 5.9mm and I did the month following that conversation.
Does this change things? No. It doesn't. I contacted CCRM just to let them know because, quite honestly, I was shocked. Dr. G even offered to use THIS cycle and do an FET within days. We considered it, for a second (okay, actually that blew my mind for about 24 hours), but unfortunately, I was already surging and my progesterone was starting to rise, so we missed the window.
Dr. G offered to consider a FET from one of my "personal attempts" again, if my lining is able to do this again. However, I struggle with this concept. So I'm supposed to allow another RE to do the dirty work and then last minute ditch him, fly to CCRM for them to get the success rate? I know it's not about the doctors, it's about my best chance, but if CCRM isn't willing to cycle me, then I'm really not either. Plus…our decision has already been made.
We are looking forward to Gestational Carrier. There is movement on that side of things, and I'm too excited about that to look back.
What 7.8mm means to me, is that my lining continues to improve. So maybe one day...