Tuesday, July 8, 2014

37

Birthday's have never bothered me. Until this one. I've had a lot of apprehension these past few months dreading today. A number shouldn't bother me. Especially one like 37.

However, 37 has always been that number that they tell you is when your fertility takes a giant nose dive. Why would this matter for me? My fertility is way beyond just a number, right? Maybe it's just a reminder that 37 shouldn't be so old to feel this broken.

That didn't stop having a little song in my head from Don McClean this morning when I woke up with catchy new lyrics…"the day, my fertility declined".

Enough about my ho-hum birthday. I've had a lot going on these past few weeks. But for the first time in several years, blogging has become difficult. I feel a little stuck…and to be honest, a little left behind. This is a different direction that I ever expected to go and I'm still navigating the grief that comes with that and also the excitement of going forward towards something that can be successful.

I also decided after our failed FET, that I needed a distraction. The processes for Gestational Surrogacy is not quick by any means. I needed something to take my mind off of it as tiny little steps were being taken.

So we decided to do an IUI cycle locally. I had no plans to blog about it. And while I can't say for certain at this point, because I won't test until later this week, but my heart knows it didn't work, I mean, we knew the likelihood was a long shot, but still, it was a distraction.

A distraction I'm thankful for. We learned a great deal from this cycle and BFP or BFN, I'm so glad I decided to do it.

1) I had left over meds that I was able to use and not spend any money on, aside from the trigger shot.

2) While my left ovary decided to remain in retirement. My right ovary decided to come to the party. I had two follicles on low doses of Menopur and Gonal-f. That's the same amount of eggs retrieved on extremely HIGH doses of meds during my IVF.

3) And this is the biggie…my uterus joined this little party too.

My lining reached 7.8mm

Pretty amazing since CCRM told me that I would probably never reach a lining thicker than 5.9mm and I did the month following that conversation.

Does this change things? No. It doesn't. I contacted CCRM just to let them know because, quite honestly, I was shocked. Dr. G even offered to use THIS cycle and do an FET within days. We considered it, for a second (okay, actually that blew my mind for about 24 hours), but unfortunately, I was already surging and my progesterone was starting to rise, so we missed the window.

Dr. G offered to consider a FET from one of my "personal attempts" again, if my lining is able to do this again. However, I struggle with this concept. So I'm supposed to allow another RE to do the dirty work and then last minute ditch him, fly to CCRM for them to get the success rate? I know it's not about the doctors, it's about my best chance, but if CCRM isn't willing to cycle me, then I'm really not either. Plus…our decision has already been made.

We are looking forward to Gestational Carrier. There is movement on that side of things, and I'm too excited about that to look back.

What 7.8mm means to me, is that my lining continues to improve. So maybe one day...

22 comments:

  1. 35 used to scare me but now that I have been here for half a year I'm ok but a little more scared at the same time. I try to remind myself that people have babies at 40 BUT I don't know if I could do that. I'm not sure when your exact birthday is but happy birthday to you! Maybe that BFP for you is just around the corner but if not I'm praying things go as smoothly as possible with the GC.

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  2. Boo for birthdays and numbers and all of it. I will have a mini-midlife this year... I feel it coming and I'm still three months away. But it's guaranteed to be a doozy all because THIS will be the year I was supposed to be DONE with babies. Ha. I look back at my 20 year old self and laugh... I had it all together, or so I thought.

    I hate that this birthday is filled with sadness and thoughts of declining fertility and dead ovaries and all of that YUCK! I'm still believing that despite all of the brokenness, this is going to be a BIG year.

    "I'm too excited about that to look back."- ditto

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  3. I understand all too well the lack of excitement for birthdays these days...

    Holy cow, 7.8?! That's something to celebrate :)

    As always, I think of you often and hope that your road to baby through a carrier brings you what you so deserve.

    Happy Birthday Suzanne! xoxo

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  4. I hope you have a good birthday even though you aren't looking forward to it!

    I know how you feel about feeling left behind. That's how I feel right now. Just waiting for nothing it seems like. I feel like everyone else is moving forward and I'm just standing here still waiting. Blah! I've been looking for my distraction too! I think I've found it, at least for the time being.

    I'm really glad to hear your lining joined the party! It gives me hope! :)

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  5. Way to go lining! I totally get being excited about new information, even if the cycle itself fails. Praying things keep moving forward with the GC!

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  6. I'm a numbers junky.... Your birthday is 7/8 and your linings a 7.8. Hmmmmm.....

    You are a sweet friend and I want nothing less for you than to be happy. You deserve it. Happy Birthday to the girl who doesn't look a day over 25!

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  7. I have to admit i am a lurker and never really commented before.
    But i have been following ur journey for quite some time. Just be ur beautiful self....enjoy ur 37th year. And ur bloody damn well right that its just a number! I got around discovering my unexplained infertility at the age of 27...3 yrs since then and i am still on this side of the road. And oh....i have amazing linings on all cycles...still no baby. So basically it doesnt matter at all. Just hang in there....consider it as a rough ride u ought to ride out. Keep smiling....

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  8. I sooooo get those crappy feelings of being the last woman standing. Even if there are still 10 women TTC behind you, the fact that others in the journey the longest with you seem to be moving ahead still cuts like a knife. It breaks my heart that you feel this way, because I've been there and know how deeply it hurts.

    I really really hope you can move on with a renewed sense of hope if this IUI cycle doesn't work out though. There is always someone worse off...someone who has zero embryos & cannot even entertain the idea of using a GC, etc. I know it's not a short road and definitely not inexpensive, but I also know you don't give up too easily and will have a HUGE army of friends supporting and loving you every step of the way. We will be here for you no matter what it takes on your journey to become a mommy. Love you so much! Hang in there! Oh, and I always thought the next decline in fertility after 35 was 38. I'm sticking with 38!

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  9. Happy Birthday! And a 7.8 lining? That's awesome! Praying and sending lots of hugs your way!

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  10. I had my first baby at 44. I certainly hope (and believe) that 37 is your year, but I also scoff a bit at how people say 37 is the beginning of the end! It seems slightly misogynistic to me. 37 is the new spring chicken! :)

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  11. Happy Birthday. There is always hope on any cycle. Please remember that. We had several failed ivf's and ended up getting pregnant on our 7th iui at the age of 38. You truly never know which one will be the one :) Hang in there.

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  12. Happy birthday Suzanne - I know this isn't the way you wanted to spend it - but, I hope you are able to find some joy in today!! The joy of the Lord is our strength - even in the difficult times!!! Hope that the process with the G.C. moves faster than you hope! Hugs for you friend

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  13. I'm glad you're looking forward. You're getting so close. I just know it. Happy birthday my dear. Hang in there a bit longer.

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  14. I can't blame you for feeling left behind, I am so sorry that here you are still trying and hoping. I think it's AWESOME that your lining has thickened up so well, because it shows there's still hope. I'm glad you're also moving forward on the GC and doing whatever it takes to get you that baby in your arms. You're an amazing and wonderful woman and I can't wait until you become a mom. *hugs* Happy Birthday!

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  15. First happiest of birthdays! And second, my gosh you amaze me Suz, you just simply amaze me! Your last sentence s left a lump in my throat... Maybe someday. Because you know what? You still have it! You still have hope- and that means so much!! You have not given up- you are so incredibly strong. You are an inspiration! XO

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  16. Wow girlie! Sounds like one heck of an IUI cycle! Good for you going after it. It must be so encouraging that your uterus is healing a building more and more of that lining with each cycle. Happy birthday lovely. I know birthdays are hard when you're just not where you want to be in life. But - we celebrate you because you are amazing. Xoxo

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  17. Happy birthday! Age is just a number don't pay to much attention to that. Physically you look gorgeous and no number is going to tell you otherwise. (: it's amazing what The Lord can do...a great lining on an IUI cycle. Speechless. Suzanne I stopped saying one day or someday and started saying the time has come. If you believe it he will bring it to light. Not someday but today! Keeping you in my prayers.

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  18. Happy Birthday girlie! I am going to be 31 so I can't say I know how you feel in regards to age. I fear sometimes that I will be applying for my AARP card before I apply for my baby's social security card but I keep reminding myself that God isn't interested in my age and He doesn't see me as old or my eggs as old so neither should I. I am super stoked that you had an amazing lining and even if your heart doesn't believe this cycle worked, I will believe for you and pray that you are. How awesome would that be?! Don't give up or lose your spunk and hope. Love ya girl! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  19. I'm so happy that you are looking forward. And how awesome that your lining is cooperating again! Someday, somehow, you will hold your baby, or babies. We'll be with you along the way.
    And, of course - happy belated birthday!

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  20. Hi Suzanne from Australia. I'm a bit late to this post, I just found your blog. I am also struggling with a thin lining and am considering using Trental and Vitamin E as the usual meds don't work for me. Would you mind adding a detailed list of the meds you used to thicken your lining? And good luck with the surrogate :-)
    Bridget

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    1. Hi Bridget!! Thin lining is the worst. I've dealt with some doozies over the past 3+ years, but I definitely think the thin lining issue has been the most frustrating.

      The Trental and Vitamin E, I took and I was given that from my CCRM doctor as well as Dr. March who is one of the best doctors for Asherman's Syndrome in the states. He also recommended the G-CSF uterine flush prior to IUI or FET as well. I was told to take fish oil, L-Arganine, Viagra Suppositories, Red Raspberry Leaf, Vitamin C and Vitamin B. The best my lining has responded has been on stims. A combo of Gonal-F and Menopur. So that's something else you may want to try. I did low doses and got my best response yet. Please feel free to email me at suzkwilliams@yahoo.com if you want to chat more or have more questions!!

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    2. BTW...I also made a tab on my blog with a list of my meds. I hope it helps!

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