This summer has been full of emotions. Some good. Some bad. Some are somewhere in the middle.
We finally had our first and only transfer cycle, and of course...it failed. We immediately began conversations with our potential gestational carrier. I feel so very blessed that she came into our life at the exact moment I needed her and I'm extremely thankful for how she came into our life. I'm also relieved that I was able to quickly shift our heartbreak from our FET to something positive...to something filled with hope.
However, the surrogacy process is not quick. There are many steps and procedures that are completely out of my hands. While I am still very hopeful and excited for this direction, I have felt a bit of that disappointing sadness seep back into my heart. We were so busy May, June and July that things just never settled down enough for me to really feel all the emotions that come with the loss of the ability to carry our child.
I feel like I'm stuck in this odd place of limbo. I'm in this state of knowing that we've let go of "trying to conceive" and moved on from fertility treatments, yet we are turning to someone else, a different direction in order to bring our baby home. It's been so long since we weren't trying that even knowing we aren't...brings sadness and a sense of "giving up".
I've been very open about our struggles to most of our family, to friends and to strangers. Especially in the last year or so. Generally, I have received nothing but well wishes, love and support. While a small few have asked things like "why don't you just adopt?” It was the question this past Friday that really hit me...
"You really want to have a baby that bad?"
Does it all seem too desperate? All the treatments we've done...IUI's, IVF, Donor Eggs and now, hopefully Surrogacy. Does it seem like we've gone too far?
My uterus was damaged during a routine surgery. It wasn't my fault. We have put all of our savings and retirement into this...to just walk away? Leave those embryos that we hoped for and love so much, and just what?? Adopt? Live childfree? Are those supposed to be easy options? Because they aren't. One is starting an entirely new process from scratch. The other means leaving a hole in my heart forever.
So to answer her question...yes. I want a baby...a family, that bad.
I don't expect everyone to understand, to agree or to even necessarily accept what has brought us to this moment. Just as I will never judge or criticize anyone the right to decide how best to live their life and to create their family.
I wish that I had started when I was younger. But we started trying the same month I turned 34...and was never supposed to be "too old". I wish I had started fertility treatments sooner. I wish that I had made my doctor PROVE that the pregnancy was in my uterus last year before performing the D&C that cost me my ability to carry.
But I didn't. And this is what we're left with. It's not necessarily how we thought we'd have a family or even hoped, but do you think for a second that when our baby is placed in our arms that it will matter how he or she got there?
We are here. And I have no regrets. I'm just trying to hold onto my hope and do the best I can to not give up.