Monday, August 11, 2014

Delicious Ambiguity

This summer has been full of emotions. Some good. Some bad. Some are somewhere in the middle. 

We finally had our first and only transfer cycle, and of course...it failed. We immediately began conversations with our potential gestational carrier. I feel so very blessed that she came into our life at the exact moment I needed her and I'm extremely thankful for how she came into our life. I'm also relieved that I was able to quickly shift our heartbreak from our FET to something positive...to something filled with hope. 

However, the surrogacy process is not quick. There are many steps and procedures that are completely out of my hands. While I am still very hopeful and excited for this direction, I have felt a bit of that disappointing sadness seep back into my heart. We were so busy May, June and July that things just never settled down enough for me to really feel all the emotions that come with the loss of the ability to carry our child. 

I feel like I'm stuck in this odd place of limbo. I'm in this state of knowing that we've let go of "trying to conceive" and moved on from fertility treatments, yet we are turning to someone else, a different direction in order to bring our baby home. It's been so long since we weren't trying that even knowing we aren't...brings sadness and a sense of "giving up". 

I've been very open about our struggles to most of our family, to friends and to strangers. Especially in the last year or so. Generally, I have received nothing but well wishes, love and support. While a small few have asked things like "why don't you just adopt?” It was the question this past Friday that really hit me...

"You really want to have a baby that bad?"

Does it all seem too desperate? All the treatments we've done...IUI's, IVF, Donor Eggs and now, hopefully Surrogacy. Does it seem like we've gone too far?

My uterus was damaged during a routine surgery. It wasn't my fault. We have put all of our savings and retirement into this...to just walk away? Leave those embryos that we hoped for and love so much, and just what?? Adopt? Live childfree? Are those supposed to be easy options? Because they aren't. One is starting an entirely new process from scratch. The other means leaving a hole in my heart forever. 

So to answer her question...yes. I want a baby...a family, that bad.

I don't expect everyone to understand, to agree or to even necessarily accept what has brought us to this moment. Just as I will never judge or criticize anyone the right to decide how best to live their life and to create their family. 

I wish that I had started when I was younger. But we started trying the same month I turned 34...and was never supposed to be "too old". I wish I had started fertility treatments sooner. I wish that I had made my doctor PROVE that the pregnancy was in my uterus last year before performing the D&C that cost me my ability to carry. 

But I didn't. And this is what we're left with. It's not necessarily how we thought we'd have a family or even hoped, but do you think for a second that when our baby is placed in our arms that it will matter how he or she got there? 

We are here. And I have no regrets. I'm just trying to hold onto my hope and do the best I can to not give up. 




29 comments:

  1. Sweetie, you are strong and you are beautiful. I think that everyone that has kids should want to have a baby that badly. Unless you don't have the desire to have children, what is more important than a child. If you don't want them that badly, you shouldn't have them. Even if you are never faced with that decision, the answer should always be yes. You are an inspiration. XOXO hugs. Can't wait to hear more about this journey.

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  2. Oh Suzanne, you my friend, are so amazingly strong. If the desire to have a child means moving mountains, then that's what we'll do. I don't think it should be perceived as desperate, but then again not everyone can understand the journey of infertility and what it costs us (literally, emotionally, and physically).
    You just keep doing what you are doing and it will be worth it. Lots of love to you!!! xoxo

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  3. You are amazing and so strong. I don't think you need to justify to ANYONE anything about your desires to have a baby. So glad you're continuing on this process, even if its with a surrogate. I am confident that you will have your child, the one that was meant for you, in your arms someday!

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  4. I think whoever said "you want a baby that bad?" was being completely insensitive. I can't really figure out a way that that person would have meant that in a nice way. They just don't get it.

    Of course you want a baby, that bad. I do too. Most people don't have to explore that feeling in the way we have. Sometimes I think that that is one of the few good things that has come from infertility - that I will appreciate and not take for granted my child, if I'm so lucky to ever get one. By the way, I believe that what most people causually define as luck is actually a situation where preparation meets opportunity.

    You my friend, are preparing. And your opportunity is near. I think good things are in your future.

    Even though this GC path is tedious and time consuming, I have a wonderful feeling that this will be the path that brings you to meet your son or daughter.

    Hang in there, friend.

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  5. I don't think it's anybody's business why you want a baby or how far you'll go to get one. But the beautiful thing is that this child will never ever doubt for a second that they are wanted and loved and cherished. Yes, you wanted him or her that badly. And no, some people would not be willing to go that far. Which makes you and your husband and this child all that much more special.

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  6. People who had no trouble conceiving, can't begin to understand how much the rest of us do want a baby. Even so, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Those are yours and your husband dreams, and you need to pursue them anyway you can. It doesn't matter if you or someone else carry that baby. In the end, you'll be the one who will be taking care of that baby/child for the years to come.

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  7. I can't say I'm surprised that someone said that to you. I remember when we first began our fertility treatment I got the same question.You are an admirable woman, don't let anyone say otherwise. Children are truly a miracle and some don't realize that.

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  8. I admire that you are contending for your babies and family! It says so much about you - we have to ignore what people tell us, they have no idea what we are going through! Keep on believing and fighting for those babies! Keep asking, seeking and knocking on that door!! xoxo

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  9. oh girlie! You are so strong, brave and courageous and each of us walk different paths that God leads in life. Not everyone will understand your path because those paths were not designed or created for them...they are specifically for you.

    I am still continuing to pray for your healing because no matter what, I know that God wants you healed, restored and made whole just like He created you from the beginning. (Psalm 30:2; 1 Peter 2:24)

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  10. I agree with the above comment. Shouldn't all people that want children want them THAT badly? If not, why have them? Because you sort of like the idea?

    Hoping that this new route brings you your bundle of joy.

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  11. *hugs* People are such idiots with their comments. I will promise you this, at the end of the road and the only end I see for you is one with a baby, this will have all been worth it. When you hold your son or daughter for the first time and just look at him/her, you will know. All of this, every tear, every frustration, every fear, every last one is worth it. I can't wait until that moment for you.

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  12. I really can connect to this post. During our "premarital counseling" the guy asked if we would adopt if we had issues (none had any clue we did) and I shrugged my shoulders and said "of course!"

    Fast forward to now. I almost shake my head in shame at that naïve/unknowing person I was then. I too am guilty of "just adopt already" type comments BEFORE I "got it." The desire to carry a pregnancy, to have some genetic tie (from you or your husband) to your OWN baby is NOT to much to ask for. You have gone WAY to far and like you said, you have hope on ice. I already know you are going to be one of the best freaking moms in the world because of all the love you have put forth to bring him/her into existence. They don't get it. People that have fought long and hard and have felt so close do. Most people get pregnant easy so they don't understand the longing that comes with such delayed hope. <3 I love that you are addressing this!

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  13. Amen! The person who made that insensitive comment to you clearly doesn't understand, even if they are well intentioned. I'm happy to hear the resolve in your voice. No second guessing. You've come this far and you are almost there! This baby is going to bring you so much joy, and you are going to be amazing parents!

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  14. I get it. We wanted a baby that bad. I was 42 when it finally happened, and worth all the $$$$ and heartache. Keep going. We all get it.

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  15. Yes, it is totally okay to want a baby THAT bad. Own it and no regrets. That was a judgmental question even if they didn't mean it that way. You and your husband will be forever wonderful parents beyond anything this person could imagine who asked such a question. Your embryos are so lucky because their future is so bright to have a mom and dad waiting and wanting them for so long that you took roads less traveled that perhaps others were brave enough to take. You are a brave mom and I really want to just tell you how much this woman admires you and your fortitude. Nothing about your path to being a family has been easy. -Thin lining girl ;)

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  16. I understand the feelings you are experiencing, the sadness of not ever carrying your own baby. As amazing and beautiful it is to have such a sweet, sweet, woman to offer to be your gestational carrier that brings so much hope, it still hurts at times still when you are reminded that you can't do what so many take for granted.

    I think you have to do what is best for you and your husband. Whoever asked you why don't you just adopt has no idea how that really is changing your focus in kind of a different road. In my opinion, it is kind of like starting over; you have to change your thinking once again of how you thought you would have your baby.

    I know adoption is an amazing way to grow a family, but your heart has to be in a position for it, and your heart is with your gestational carrier carrying for you, so follow your heart! ...and I pray that it will all work out and your baby will get here soon!!! Once he/she/they are here, it will be so so worth everything you have been through!!!

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  17. I would have made that person feel uncomfortable by simply saying "Obviously I do." in the same tone they asked the question. You have been through too much to have to answer to insensitive people. Yes, you want a baby that bad. And that is perfectly OK. If they don't understand that is their problem and not yours.

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  18. Here's the thing, had you known waaayy back last summer that you would be here, with AS and an empty bank account, you might have chosen a different road. Maybe not, but either way, hindsight is 20/20. You didn't know you'd need a GC, when you decided the pursue donor eggs, but now you've got these embryos, embryos with little bits of T in them... are you supposed to throw those away just because you can't carry them? You created those embryos with the belief they would be your children... they ARE your children. Whoever said that obviously doesn't understand that. My heart aches for my babies in Florida. I get it, Suz, I get it.

    So yeah, maybe you would have chosen adoption had you been presented with the future last summer... it would certainly have been cheaper that what you've gone through, which is ridiculous. But maybe not, maybe adoption was never the path for you. I certainly wish I could know which path would bring me my baby, but maybe it's for the best. If you were faced with all of this knowledge ahead of time, fear could have overwhelmed you (it would have overwhelmed me)... maybe you just see the next step, and then the next, and then the next.

    Love you, friend!

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  19. Hugs to you friend. I hate how people drop the "Why don't you just adopt?" line like you are picking out a new puppy or something. Adoption has to be in your heart and it can't be a last resort type decision. So many couples choose adoption because it is 100% what their hearts have led them too. Just from reading your words over the past year or so, I can tell you are not at that point. Your heart is still in this fight for YOUR baby. You are so strong and such an inspiration to so many women. Please do not ever forget that. I know I myself have read your blog posts as tears rolled down my cheeks numerous times. There were so many times I thought to myself, "I wish I could have half of her strength. Just half." Chin up girlie. This fight isn't over and I'm still cheering for you from afar!

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  20. Unless someone is in the journey themselves they can not possibly understand what this means to you. More recently I have heard the "what about adoption" speech and people don't understand that it's not that easy. As far as I can tell it's more expensive than IVF that's for sure. I also feel that adoption has to be something you feel called to do in your heart, not just because. It's perfectly ok to want a baby "that bad". At the successful end of this long journey, when you are holding your precious baby in your arms, it will all be worth it! Hugs!

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  21. I, for one, am so glad that you haven't given up... That you have come this far and that you do want a baby THAT bad. Because that desire for a baby is exactly what keeps you going. I've often said that I didn't know where my strength came from to just keep going and it's now that I can see that the strength came from my desire to be a mom... A desire that God put in my heart as he has put in yours, too. XOXO

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  22. Unfortunately people are very insensitive. People who have never been down the road of IF don't understand. I find some people who have been down that road still don't understand. I think it's amazing you guys are continuing on this path. It takes a really strong person to go there. I wish you all the luck in the world with your GC and I hope the process starts to speed up. The waiting is always the worst! Hugs!

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  23. Good for you for not giving up. I also want a baby that bad. You just gotta surround yourself with people who will support you no matter what. People will always judge, but so what? You know what's best for you. Fight for what you want!!

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  24. I completely understand. Wanting something "that bad" just means that is who you have been called to be - beautiful parents. Rooting for you and cheering for you as you wait for your dreams to come true. XOXO.

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  25. I think this is one of the unfair side effects of IF. Getting pregnant and bringing home babies comes so easily to so many people that they simply cannot understand what we'd sacrifice to achieve this. Yes, we do want it that bad. Much love and luck to you on this new and unexpected part of the journey.

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  26. Rock on, sister! I think you're doing amazing. And, when that baby does come to you, is sitting in your arms, you won't care how it happened or remember the people who said unkind things.

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  27. Some people will never ever understand what you're going through...but some of us will certainly understand your desire THAT much. I do and I suppose some will think I'm selfish for wanting it again. I also wanted to add that I think you're incredibly brave to begin the process of surrogacy. I am considering this option as well and when I get choked up about not carrying the baby, I turn my memory to a photo I saw on a blog of the mom helping to deliver her own baby as the surrogate pushed. Truly truly incredible and that could be you soon!

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  28. Of course you want a baby THAT BAD and you shouldn't have to apologize for that. Keep the hope my friend. Hoping this is the last mountain you have to climb. Hugs!

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  29. Whew. I can't believe someone actually said that. I'm so excited to see how this GC journey plays out for you. Wishing you nothing but the best that this WILL work!

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