Monday, August 25, 2014

Still a Waiting Game

Infertility has proven over these past 3 plus years that it's a game of patience. Of resilience. Of faith.

Yet these are all very difficult to maintain at times. Some days I feel like a fighter. Like nothing will stop me from reaching this goal, my DREAM of being a mother. Then there other other days that I feel...fragile, scared and full of doubt.

My headspace has been pretty down recently. I'm having a hard time remaining confident. Surrogacy revolves around someone else. Letting go of controlling. Trusting. Being respectful of their life and hoping that at some point, things will come together for all of us.

It's hard though, to feel like all of your hopes and dreams are in the hands of someone else. No matter the trust and the confidence that you feel in that person, the emotions can sometimes be overwhelming. The "what if's?" start to take over. When that happens, the grit and resolve that I've have left, starts to slip away.

My potential GC has shown nothing but excitement these past few months since we first started communicating. My heart has felt that this is right. However, she has mountains of changes in her life right now and that has to be her priority. Part of what I have been so drawn to with her was the fact that she really is an amazing mother to her children. So I absolutely and 100% support her. I remind myself daily that she has her life that takes up so much of her time (as it should), but for me, this is my life...so there aren't many minutes (seconds) in the day when my world isn't revolving around our embryos and bringing home a baby.

Still...timing is critical. We have to purchase a health plan for her during open enrollment on November 15th. If we don't have medical clearance with CCRM prior to that, we'll be purchasing the health plan blind and just crossing our fingers that she's approved after the fact.

While November 15th seems like it's plenty of time...there are steps that have to be done:

1) Medical records have to be received at CCRM (it takes them 2-4 weeks to review and approve a ODWU visit).

A biggie is out of four pregnancies she had one labeled as "induced at 37 weeks due to pregnancy induced hypertension". This was her second pregnancy. All others have been completely normal, natural deliveries. 

2) She currently has an IUD in place. CCRM requires that she have TWO periods after removal prior to her ODWU.

3) Once the ODWU happens it takes up to 2- 3 weeks for all results to come back and to be given approval to move forward.

4) Legal contracts must then be negotiated and signed.

5) Only then will CCRM put her into calendar.

By my calculation, even if the IUD is removed this week, it could be November even before she could even get to the ODWU part and that's if we're lucky. So the scenario of us buying the insurance policy without medical clearance seems like a real possibility.

And that's okay. We will do whatever we have to do to make this work. It's our heart, our soul, our dream.

I just wish I could snap out of the funk that's clouding all positivity in this process. But that would require that I believe all of this is going to be okay, and I'm not quite there yet.

20 comments:

  1. I so admire your perseverance Suzanne - it is your heart and dream and I'm so thankful you are persistent with it. Timing is crucial, and I'm trusting the perfect timing for all of this to fall into completely alignment! xoxo

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  2. This stuff is so hard when we are depending on our own bodies but having to depend on someone elses takes things to a whole different level. I know the waiting seems to be taking forever but everything will come together just as it should and when your baby arrives it will be at the perfect moment :) Thinking of you! oxox

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  3. You are amazing. You will emerge from this one hell of a strong, competent mother. I'm praying for the next few months to go smoothly, and for everything to be ready to go by November.

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  4. Ughhhh. Now I really get it. I'm in a funk for you... CCRM and their crazy schedules... gahhhh.

    Hoping with you that the IUD is removed, that cycles continue regularly, and that CCRM learns the term "rush" so that everything will be sorted out in time.

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  5. Hang in there. Hope everything goes smoothly with the IUD removal and that things can progress speedily after that. I know that everything that stands between you and your child right now must seem like a mountain, but when you finally become a mother it will the view with be beautiful and you will be that much stronger.

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  6. Phew. That schedule would throw me into a funk, too. I hope it all proceeds smoothly, even if it seems tight now. But I mainly hope that one day, you'll hold your baby, look back and know it was all worth it.

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  7. Waiting is such a tough thing to do and I can't imagine having to wait for someone else as well. I hope that this wait doesn't linger and it moves fast for you guys. And that once it starts to move it all progresses quickly and you guys will be holding your baby soon. XOXO Thinking of you!

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  8. Patience, we know it's needed and we still seem to be on the edge of our seats. I hope everything aligns for you Suzanne.

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  9. Suzanne, you are one tough cookie! That all has to be so overwhelming, and I know it would drive me insane to hand over control of something so important to someone else. It sounds like you are confident in her, though, and I so hope that things fall into place in a way that allows this process to go smoothly for you. I'll be thinking of you!

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  10. Praying everything works out for you and runs smoothly!

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  11. One of my favorite quotes is "you gotta keep on keepin on", it's from Joe Dirt and it's such a true statement, you have to keep up the fight and keep up the patience, a lot easier said than done I know, but it's gotta be done! Prayers for you!

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  12. whew! You are an amazing woman! Have faith and just take one step at a time. Try not to look to far into the future of all the unknowns and "what if's" but just focus on what you need to do right now :) God will help you and guide you and make a way for you even when it looks like there is no way! Love ya! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  13. There are a lot of factors that have to be considered and a lot of steps that you have to take. I think the waiting til the big day is the hardest part, but each step will get you closer. I hope that you have the approval from CCRM asap, so you know exactly where you stand when you buy the insurance.
    I love that you feel this is right! I am so excited for you and hope this all goes smoothly and in the perfect time frame for you and your GC.

    It is hard to believe everything will be okay until you KNOW it will be okay. I know for me, up through the transfer and even after the transfer, I often had thoughts that it isn't going to work (sometimes I feel like I have this black cloud over me all the time when it comes to pregnancy), but then I remind myself, that my GC is good at this, we have known good embryos, it should work. Maybe this will help you too? It's hard!
    You will be in my prayers and I am so excited for you!!!

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  14. Oh the waiting. It's always been the part I struggle with the most. Please know I"m thinking of you, even in this in between time. And every small step forward I am celebrating with you!

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  15. You amaze me with your grace and patience through this process.

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  16. You are so strong. You WILL BE the best mom. I believe that for you my dear friend. XO

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  17. You really are so strong. It would be so hard to let go of all the doubts... probably impossible! I think you are doing a great job of staying positive and going with the flow

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  18. A lot to wrap your brain around for sure. I hope you gain med clearance to select the proper insurance with ideal timing, but if not, it will work out in the end. I'm happy to hear your GC is so enthusiastic! Don't let the long timeline rule your thoughts or overwhelm you. November will be here before you know it, and I'm praying so hard that you'll have something to truly celebrate this holiday season. One foot in front of the other my dear! You will get there, and will have an army of supporters cheering you on the whole way!

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  19. I wonder how someone in your shoes could drum up copious amounts of positivity at this stage. To me, the fact that you are doing what you need to do to keep things going forward is the ultimate act of hope and positivity. If your mood wanes along the way, I would have to say 'fair enough'. You have been through so much already, and as much as you want to believe everything will go swimmingly, you are far too wise to all that can go wrong. Nevertheless, you continue putting one foot in front of the other, which is frankly remarkable. I admire you so much, Suzanne.
    I do hope you find yourself in a better headspace, because it's hard to get through the day when you're down (or at least, it's hard for me). It makes it hard to smell all the roses along the way, and that is what brings quality to life. But if you can't find positivity, please don't be hard on yourself for it. You are doing SO WELL.

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  20. You're being cautiously optimistic and that's the best anyone could ask of you considering the setbacks you've endured. I've got everything crossed for you that this is going to work out. XOXO

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