Infertility has proven over these past 3 plus years that it's a game of patience. Of resilience. Of faith.
Yet these are all very difficult to maintain at times. Some days I feel like a fighter. Like nothing will stop me from reaching this goal, my DREAM of being a mother. Then there other other days that I feel...fragile, scared and full of doubt.
My headspace has been pretty down recently. I'm having a hard time remaining confident. Surrogacy revolves around someone else. Letting go of controlling. Trusting. Being respectful of their life and hoping that at some point, things will come together for all of us.
It's hard though, to feel like all of your hopes and dreams are in the hands of someone else. No matter the trust and the confidence that you feel in that person, the emotions can sometimes be overwhelming. The "what if's?" start to take over. When that happens, the grit and resolve that I've have left, starts to slip away.
My potential GC has shown nothing but excitement these past few months since we first started communicating. My heart has felt that this is right. However, she has mountains of changes in her life right now and that has to be her priority. Part of what I have been so drawn to with her was the fact that she really is an amazing mother to her children. So I absolutely and 100% support her. I remind myself daily that she has her life that takes up so much of her time (as it should), but for me, this is my life...so there aren't many minutes (seconds) in the day when my world isn't revolving around our embryos and bringing home a baby.
Still...timing is critical. We have to purchase a health plan for her during open enrollment on November 15th. If we don't have medical clearance with CCRM prior to that, we'll be purchasing the health plan blind and just crossing our fingers that she's approved after the fact.
While November 15th seems like it's plenty of time...there are steps that have to be done:
1) Medical records have to be received at CCRM (it takes them 2-4 weeks to review and approve a ODWU visit).
A biggie is out of four pregnancies she had one labeled as "induced at 37 weeks due to pregnancy induced hypertension". This was her second pregnancy. All others have been completely normal, natural deliveries.
2) She currently has an IUD in place. CCRM requires that she have TWO periods after removal prior to her ODWU.
3) Once the ODWU happens it takes up to 2- 3 weeks for all results to come back and to be given approval to move forward.
4) Legal contracts must then be negotiated and signed.
5) Only then will CCRM put her into calendar.
By my calculation, even if the IUD is removed this week, it could be November even before she could even get to the ODWU part and that's if we're lucky. So the scenario of us buying the insurance policy without medical clearance seems like a real possibility.
And that's okay. We will do whatever we have to do to make this work. It's our heart, our soul, our dream.
I just wish I could snap out of the funk that's clouding all positivity in this process. But that would require that I believe all of this is going to be okay, and I'm not quite there yet.