Love

My heart is as full as it's ever been. I'm not even sure words can truly describe how I feel right now. While there is no doubt the outcome I'm hoping for, the love I have in my heart right now...is untouchable, whatever this next week brings.

First of all, for my husband, T. Because for four years (well, longer than that) he has stood by me, held my hand, wiped my tears and made me laugh. But most importantly, he has supported every decision and whole-heartedly embraced every direction that we've taken that has ultimately lead us here. I love you, T, infinitely, to the moon and back and then back again. You're my everything.

To Kelly for taking a chance on me. For communicating with a perfect stranger all those months ago. For the leap of faith and trust that she has given me in deciding to be a part of our world in one of the most special, kind and loving ways possible. These past few days have only solidified and confirmed how right this really is. She is not a stranger anymore. She's my friend. Undoubtably. And she's the woman that I'm so very hopeful will carry our child(ren). It was so very hard to leave her tonight. I hope she knows how much I care for her and our precious little embryos. I hope they decide to stick around.

I was asked if I felt a little sad yesterday being on the sidelines. The truth was, I wasn't on the sidelines. I was right there. Every moment. Not one time, did I wish it was me lying on that bed, receiving those embryos. It never crossed my mind. This was how it was supposed to be, and there was no room for sadness yesterday. The tears I cried were joyful and full of hope.

I also have so much love for this community. I would never wish infertility on anyone. However, would I be who I am today without it? Without YOU. The friends that I have made on this blog have given me a sense of peace. I would never change where my path has lead me, because I wouldn't have some of the most amazing friends and supporters that I could ever ask for. The amount of love that I received via comments, emails and texts moved me in a way I will never forget. I don't know why my journey to have a family has been so challenging. What I do know, is that I've been blessed that it has brought all of you into my life.

And to one of the biggest cheerleaders of all...Amanda I want you to know and ALL of you to know that the beautiful post she wrote yesterday had such an amazing impact on our transfer. Kelly was the first to read your post. She read it while lying in bed waiting for us to join her. With tears streaming down her face. Her first words to me when I walked in the room were "you have to read this". I did...and I cried. Then my husband read it, and he cried. To feel that kind of love and to share it in that moment prior to our precious embryos being placed into her uterus, well...how could I ever forget that? What would I ever do without you? I hope you know that I hope and pray for your baby every single day. I hope soon that baby is in your arms. Because trust me...you ARE one of the most deserving women and I am so proud to know you. I love you dear friend.

Jill, Jessah and my awesome sister-in-law, Autumn, you know what you mean to me and what you do for me. I wouldn't be here without you.

Something my mom used to say when her heart was happy was (and I have no doubt she's looking down with happy tears in her eyes right now):

"My heart sours like a hawk"

Guess what, Mom...mine too.