IVF...will it or won't it?

Happen that is. Cause we're about to find out.

Today is cycle day 1. Finally, moment of truth will be on Thursday, when I go in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. We'll finally know if we get a real chance at IVF this summer. If it doesn't happen this month, it won't happen until August, as come rain or shine, vacation is scheduled and I doubt I'll be doing IVF in Anguilla.

I've been fairly confident about the cysts this past week. I don't know why, but I feel like they are gone. My ovary hasn't been sore like it was last cycle. I'm hoping that I'm right. 

What has me a little freaked is that they plan on checking my FSH. That hasn't been checked since December (15.5) and January (18.4). I think I like being blissfully unaware of any increasing levels. Sure, it could have gone down, but lets be honest, we all know we're only as good as our worst number. So I'd rather just stick with the 18.4 and not let it go any higher. 

I hope that my FSH result (if it is higher) doesn't result in a cancellation of the IVF cycle. I would be devastated by that. I've read that it doesn't really have any impact on any given month whether your FSH is high or low, again, it's based on your worst number, so I hope that's true and that my doctor feels the same. 

For now, I can only sit back and try and relax and know it's really out of my hands. Nothing I can do will change any of the results in 36 hours. 

So Thursday = D-Day. 

Stay tuned.

A temporary back-up plan

I'm getting so nervous, excited, anxious and scared about my baseline next week. Are there cysts? Are my hormones regulated? Can I finally begin?

Then, begins a whole new level of worries. Will I respond? Will I have enough follicles to go forward with the egg retrieval? Will they fertilize? Will I have embryos to freeze? Will this all result in a successful pregnancy? 

The chances of that successful pregnancy are only 10 percent. TEN out of 100. Yet, here I am, hoping that I can be one of the lucky ones. 

With all of the costs that we're incurring on fertility and thinking about how much costs could continue to add up...it's so hard to think about spending money on anything frivolous. However, it's been a long tough year. 

How many times have you toasted on New Year's Eve with your husband, saying to hell with the year prior, this new year, is OUR year. Then the next year, you're saying the same thing all over again. With every passing month in the world of infertility, the reality gets harder and harder. My hope may not shine as brightly as it once did, but it's still there. I do still believe that I'll be a mother. I don't know when, or how, or if we'll be living in a card board box by the time it happens, and if that's the case, by god, I'll make that the best little card board box home you have EVER seen. 

In the meantime, we can't keep going through this month after month with the continued disappointment without still living our life somewhat. 

So, I'm so happy to say that for our 2 year anniversary, my 36th birthday, our 12 year (dating) anniversary and unfortunately, our 2 year anniversary at TTC we will be here...

So no matter what this IVF cycle brings, whether it's celebrating or drowning our sorrows, I will be doing it in Anguilla. Can't much beat that.

Lessons from Mom

Mother's Day is a double edged sword for me. It's a reminder that I am not and may never be a mother. It's also a reminder that my own mother is gone.

My mom was an amazing woman.

She was quirky, intelligent, quick witted, compassionate and above all else, she loved her daughter.

My mother was an extreme liberal and she would debate for hours over politics and religion. Probably one of the main reasons I'm so passive when it comes to these topics. She was proud to be considered a tree-hugger, granola or dirty hippy.

She loved music and loved to sing. From the Beatles, to Peter, Paul & Mary, to Harry Chapin and Iris Dement, just to name a few. From as far back as I can remember she sang to me, while gently rubbing or tickling my arms and back or playing with my hair to put me to sleep. I might mention that she did this every time I saw her until she died. My poor husband has since inherited the nightly ritual. (minus the singing part) She sang Return to Pooh Corner, Puff the Magic Dragon and Where Have All the Flowers Gone...those songs are now on my iPod and when I want to feel close to her, I listen to them.

My mom was also an artist. She loved drawing and painting. She owned a framing business and worked with all the local artists in the St. Louis area.

Her friends told me so many times after she died how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. I loved hearing this. What maybe she didn't know because I never told her was how proud I was of her. 

She faced her cancer with such bravery and grace that I am still above all else proud of her. I'm honored to say that she was and always will be, my mom. I was most definitely the lucky one to have her in my life.

I wish she hadn't been taken so quickly. There were so many things that I wanted to say to her and didn't. I will always have those regrets.

I will always long to have her to talk to, as we did every day on my way home from work. She would have been my biggest supporter through the past 2 years. She would have researched, pushed, cheered and cried the hardest.

My mother taught me so many things and I hope one day I'm giving the gift of passing on these lessons to my own child. Here are a few...

Be strong

Be kind

Be independent

Be HAPPY

Smile
Hold your head up high, not matter what
Know your own worth

Carry yourself well

Love yourself, only then you can truly know how to love someone else

Be your own advocate, if you don't, who will?

Educate yourself

Pick your battles wisely

Stand up for what you believe

Travel the world

Relax

Have patience 

Laugh lines are the best kind of wrinkles, they show how well you've lived

Grow old gracefully

Die with dignity 

"A lady always knows when to go"

I AM the woman I am today because of my mother. Had it not been for her, I would not have the strength or the character to have gotten through my infertility struggles. 

When she was happy, she used to quote one of her favorite movies, Little Big Man. "My Heart Soars Like a Hawk" 

I hope that one day I do find that kind of complete happiness. 

(Picture taken during Chemo treatment, 5 months before she died)

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

All the stuff in between

Wow. I can't believe that my last post was over 9 days ago. Maybe I took my little break a little to seriously. I haven't necessarily been out living it up. I've actually been pretty chill these past 2 weeks.

I think I left off probably headed to some mexican restaurant to enjoy a much needed margarita...

I did that.

This is a Fire & Ice margarita with jalapeño infused tequila, hibiscus, basil, habanero reduction and a tres chiles ice ball. It was as delicious as it sounds.

Then I decided why stop there...so I went to another mexican restaurant.

How can you possibly beat chips and guacamole with a margarita in a mason jar. You really can't.

Then...we moved on to Sunday Funday Bloody Mary's.

These are my specialty...so yes, I made this one.

Following my weekend of cocktails, we decided to jump back on the health wagon and started juicing.

I can say that we've had some hits and some misses. This one, was a hit.

Then I decided to start adding molasses to my apple cider vinegar water. (Still determined to do whatever necessary to get rid of my pesky cyst.

This was just god awful. I don't recommend it. The water turns the color of poop water and I gagged the entire time I drank it. I did however, manage to choke down a whole bottle. Once.

Husband has been trying to perfect the art of deviled eggs. This attempt was rather successful. 

If you're wondering, those are dill pickles and sirracha sauce. YUM.

All of this triggered the need to get my mini-garden going. Please note, I live in a condo and my "garden" lives on my balcony. 

Mint (for Mojitos)

Jalapeños

Basil

Cilantro

Tomatoes

Green Peppers for our cats because they are fat and are on diets and yes, they eat green peppers. 

All of this manual labor sparked the need for a overdose of bubbles in my bath.

Note my tiny toes trying to creep into the picture.

Okay and I found this piece of art that should I ever get to the point of a nursery and for now, we'll just hope that time is coming, I will be recreating this...

because I really, truly do love this.

Then I received a package in the mail from a dear friend with this sweet note attached.

Cysts begone indeed. 

And this!! She sent me her fertility yoga discs which I immediately started this morning because....

last night I got THIS! Which means...MY CYCLE IS BACK TO NORMAL because today is cycle day 14 and appears to be O day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today is a sunny, happy day which equals a summer dress to celebrate. 

Don't mind the (see I told you she was fat) cat.