I literally cannot believe it's been over a year since my last post. Life has been, well, a blur. A busy, chaotic, blur. And it's been amazing. I'm forever grateful for my three miracles.
I do have an update that relates back to all my infertility though, and for the sake of keeping all my information up to date and accurate to help anyone else out there searching, I'm going to lay it all out here.
My little miracle pregnancy that happened while my gestational carrier was half way through her pregnancy with my egg donor babies, happened in April, 2015. I gave birth at the very end of 2015. Since then, I fed my daughter until her 3rd birthday. I had no periods until I stopped breastfeeding her. I thought that was because of breastfeeding. And I think mostly, it was.
At my annual this year, I had a few complaints. Bloating, feeling down, hot flashes, difficulty sleeping, etc. I receive an ultrasound yearly to do a little looksie at my uterus and ovaries due to my increased risk of ovarian cancer. What they found was my lining looked very thick. Odd, since that was the opposite of my infertility days. They scheduled a d&c to take a look and to remove any thick tissue that could become cancerous. What they found, was that it was the opposite of thick. It was actually scar tissue from top to bottom. So basically, my uterus looks as bad if not worse than it always had. My doctor told me if he had seen my uterus before my pregnancy, he too, would have suggested the use of a gestational carrier.
He also ran a few tests. We tested my FSH. Just to go back a few years it was always between 10 and 18 between 2013-2015. It's now 51. Which confirms that I am in perimenopause. I mean, I'm 41. So it's on the young side, but with my diminished ovarian reserve. This is what we expected, no?
What this did tell me. Was to be grateful. Truly, from deep in my soul, grateful for my miracles. All of them. But especially of Liddy. Because she did come to me from my crappy eggs. And my equally crappy uterus managed to carry her practically full-term (only 3 days shy). In he end, my body did what I dreamed it would. And I'm at peace that this old body of mine, at least from the reproductive point of view, is hanging up it's hat for good.
Because. Miracles. Happened.
Thursday, January 17, 2019
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Our end is here
Maybe not the right title. Then again, maybe it is.
I blogged awhile back about our hope to donate our embryos. While I would have loved to potentially have an open relationship with whoever adopted them, the time and energy to move them, and find someone, was just more than I can do with how much we have going on in our life. At the end of the day, I'm thrilled that they won't be destroyed, but are continued to be looked after by the best lab in the country and are currently on a list for hopeful would-be-parents that are at the end of their infertility journey and this is their only remaining option. While I definitely had a good cry over this, it was right for us. They have a chance of life. And that gives me peace.
I know donating embryos that we worked so hard for is very difficult for some people to imagine. But remember, our family is here because of not one, but two incredibly amazing people that donated themselves or pieces of themselves to make us parents. Third party reproduction is how we came to be a family of 5. So if I can give my remaining three embryos a chance at life, and help other couples the same way I was helped, how is that not a win-win for me in a really amazing way? Dr. G at CCRM also said that while the program is anonymous, he is also willing to inform me when they are adopted and let me know if there is a successful pregnancy. Again, this makes me happy. Just knowing.
I also, obviously don't blog like I used to. I don't text and email with friends the way I used to either. Life is chaos. Crazy, amazing, busy, and exhausting, but wonderful chaos. So something has to give. I have to be present in the moment with my three babes, because unlike the folks that spread their children out by, you know, a year or so, I have to do it right the first time, have no regrets. No do overs.
So I miss talking to all of you. I miss the updates, I miss the comments, and just the relationships I shared from this journey. I think of all of you so often, and I'm thankful that I still get to follow along with a lot of you on social media. I will not close this blog. I've had too many people find it helpful. A lot of my issues were rare and didn't have a lot of information out there. It makes me happy to be a resource to others. And I still welcome the emails that occasionally come to me from women that are in search of answers in DOR or Asherman's Syndrome, Donor Eggs and Surrogacy.
From time to time, I will try to post updates about our little family. I'm proud of them. So I enjoy sharing how we're doing. I also have topics from time to time that I may post about. It just may not be often. (i.e. extended breastfeeding and sleep consults are kind of in the works right now, so may make a good future post.)
I know donating embryos that we worked so hard for is very difficult for some people to imagine. But remember, our family is here because of not one, but two incredibly amazing people that donated themselves or pieces of themselves to make us parents. Third party reproduction is how we came to be a family of 5. So if I can give my remaining three embryos a chance at life, and help other couples the same way I was helped, how is that not a win-win for me in a really amazing way? Dr. G at CCRM also said that while the program is anonymous, he is also willing to inform me when they are adopted and let me know if there is a successful pregnancy. Again, this makes me happy. Just knowing.
I also, obviously don't blog like I used to. I don't text and email with friends the way I used to either. Life is chaos. Crazy, amazing, busy, and exhausting, but wonderful chaos. So something has to give. I have to be present in the moment with my three babes, because unlike the folks that spread their children out by, you know, a year or so, I have to do it right the first time, have no regrets. No do overs.
So I miss talking to all of you. I miss the updates, I miss the comments, and just the relationships I shared from this journey. I think of all of you so often, and I'm thankful that I still get to follow along with a lot of you on social media. I will not close this blog. I've had too many people find it helpful. A lot of my issues were rare and didn't have a lot of information out there. It makes me happy to be a resource to others. And I still welcome the emails that occasionally come to me from women that are in search of answers in DOR or Asherman's Syndrome, Donor Eggs and Surrogacy.
From time to time, I will try to post updates about our little family. I'm proud of them. So I enjoy sharing how we're doing. I also have topics from time to time that I may post about. It just may not be often. (i.e. extended breastfeeding and sleep consults are kind of in the works right now, so may make a good future post.)
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
two
I never thought anyone would make my heart flutter the way my husband does.
And then I met my sons. Their giggles, laughs, kisses and even there general every day shenanigans
simply light up my world.
The past two years have been a blur. I still can't believe that they are mine. That for the rest of my life, I get to see who and what they will become. I'm honored to be there mom.
And I'm thankful for the women that gave them to me. Goose, our egg donor and of course, Kelly, who carried them when I couldn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of these women and say a simple prayer of gratitude for the amazing gift they have given me.
Britton is our shy, sweet, meticulous little problem solver. He's 28 pounds of love. Casey is the 29 pound instigator of all things trouble. And has the laugh and smile to go with it, to make it absolutely impossible to be stern.
And then I met my sons. Their giggles, laughs, kisses and even there general every day shenanigans
simply light up my world.
The past two years have been a blur. I still can't believe that they are mine. That for the rest of my life, I get to see who and what they will become. I'm honored to be there mom.
And I'm thankful for the women that gave them to me. Goose, our egg donor and of course, Kelly, who carried them when I couldn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of these women and say a simple prayer of gratitude for the amazing gift they have given me.
Britton is our shy, sweet, meticulous little problem solver. He's 28 pounds of love. Casey is the 29 pound instigator of all things trouble. And has the laugh and smile to go with it, to make it absolutely impossible to be stern.
These boys are my world. And on Saturday, they turn two.
Happy Birthday Britton & Casey!
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
My Breastfeeding Journey
When I was trying so hard to become pregnant for all those years, I never really gave a ton of thought to breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to try it. But I really didn't set a lot of expectations. One way or another.
Then Liddy arrived and it just "took". There was no painful latches, cracked or bleeding nipples. It just worked. When she was a month old, I developed a yeast infection nipples which, wasn't a ton of fun, but we treated it, and moved on. I made it to 6 weeks, then 3 months, then 6 months of exclusively breastfeeding. Quite frankly, I was amazed at myself.
So we kept going. I decided, might as well shoot for a year. A year came, and a year went. And the breastfeeding continued. She's never slept through the night. She doesn't even sleep in her crib. She doesn't soothe herself to sleep, and usually has to be nursed to sleep at night. And you know what? I'm okay with all of that. She is healthy and happy. I love seeing her sweet, sleeping face lying between us at night. There's a day where she won't sleep with us and I know I'll miss it. So for now, it's our normal. It's not for everyone, but it works for us.
So many people have said their babes kinda just weaned themselves around year one. Liddy is pretty adamant about her mama and her mama's "babas". Well, lets be honest, we kinda go together, so not sure which she's really more into. But here we are, knocking on the door of 18 months old and I don't see any signs of her being ready to wean.
I've had in my mind that we'd be done sometime in her second year. I've never imagined that I would be a mom, nursing a toddler. But here I am. But I guess I'm just letting her take the lead on this one. I asked her last night, what she would say if I said "no more babas"? She burst into tears. Point taken, Liddy.
This is all new and different for me. I don't have friends that nursed this long and while no one has said anything to me (friends or family) in a negative way, I know they are somewhat surprised that it's still going.
My breasts went from a 32D to a 32G by week 12 of my pregnancy and they have pretty much stuck there. So, trust me, if she were done, I wouldn't argue. I'll probably be knocking on the door of a plastic surgeon begging for a reduction when it's all over with.
She's the only baby I will ever carry. The only baby I'll ever get to breastfeed. Shouldn't I just try and have as few of regrets as possible during this most precious time in her life?
Then Liddy arrived and it just "took". There was no painful latches, cracked or bleeding nipples. It just worked. When she was a month old, I developed a yeast infection nipples which, wasn't a ton of fun, but we treated it, and moved on. I made it to 6 weeks, then 3 months, then 6 months of exclusively breastfeeding. Quite frankly, I was amazed at myself.
So we kept going. I decided, might as well shoot for a year. A year came, and a year went. And the breastfeeding continued. She's never slept through the night. She doesn't even sleep in her crib. She doesn't soothe herself to sleep, and usually has to be nursed to sleep at night. And you know what? I'm okay with all of that. She is healthy and happy. I love seeing her sweet, sleeping face lying between us at night. There's a day where she won't sleep with us and I know I'll miss it. So for now, it's our normal. It's not for everyone, but it works for us.
So many people have said their babes kinda just weaned themselves around year one. Liddy is pretty adamant about her mama and her mama's "babas". Well, lets be honest, we kinda go together, so not sure which she's really more into. But here we are, knocking on the door of 18 months old and I don't see any signs of her being ready to wean.
I've had in my mind that we'd be done sometime in her second year. I've never imagined that I would be a mom, nursing a toddler. But here I am. But I guess I'm just letting her take the lead on this one. I asked her last night, what she would say if I said "no more babas"? She burst into tears. Point taken, Liddy.
This is all new and different for me. I don't have friends that nursed this long and while no one has said anything to me (friends or family) in a negative way, I know they are somewhat surprised that it's still going.
My breasts went from a 32D to a 32G by week 12 of my pregnancy and they have pretty much stuck there. So, trust me, if she were done, I wouldn't argue. I'll probably be knocking on the door of a plastic surgeon begging for a reduction when it's all over with.
She's the only baby I will ever carry. The only baby I'll ever get to breastfeed. Shouldn't I just try and have as few of regrets as possible during this most precious time in her life?
My littles are quickly approaching 18 months and 2 years old. I know I don't blog often anymore. With three toddlers, the time is just not there anymore. But, I do hope for updates over the next few months, so stay tuned!
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