Sunday, July 21, 2013

It was almost perfect

The timing of it all. The fact that we got pregnant at all. But really, none of that makes me feel better.

I got my hopes up. I believed for a nano second that maybe we were going to really have a baby. That it could happen. And that it would be mine. My DNA. My egg.

I was looking forward to donor eggs. I was excited to get started. What would be the point to give me a BFP now...only to take it away so quickly. Why even take me down that road?

These are my questions to the universe today.

I woke up in the middle of the night in the wee hours of Saturday with sharp pains in my uterus. I got up to go to the bathroom and there it was a tiny bit of blood. I knew then that this was over.

I was able to go in for labs yesterday. My hCG was 94. Down from 98 on Wednesday.

Confirmed.

What's been the hardest part is that T was so hopeful. Even with the cramping and spotting (which got heavier yesterday) he didn't want to believe it. He wanted to be positive. There was no way this was happening to us again.

But it has, and we're just hurt right now. And angry. I'm angry. I'm mad that I believed. I'm mad that our donor egg cycle has just been delayed for nothing. I'm mad that a had a biological child dangled in my face only to be snatched away.

Infertility isn't fair. Nothing about it is fair.


32 comments:

  1. See, this is where I start questioning God and saying WTF? Why make her go through this? For what?

    I am just so sad and pissed off for you. I just don't get it. It's certainly not fair!

    I know how badly you want to stop wasting time and realize your dream in the healthiest way possible. I really hope you can find closure with lightning speed and that you can move forward towards the choice that you feel is right following all of this. Sending you the biggest hugest ((HUGS)) in the entire world right now. XO

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  2. Oh Suzanne, you're right... This is SO unfair... Every single part of it
    :(. I'm thinking of you! xoxo

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  3. I'm greatly sorry, Suzanne. I hate that you are going through this. I know there's nothing I could say to make you feel better. Wish I was there to give u a big hug!!

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  4. Oh sweet Suzanne, this is so hard. Thinking about you lots! I wish I had some words to comfort you, but please know that I'm thinking about you!

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  5. Oh Suzanne... I am so so sorry...This is all so unfair!! I am thinking about you... :(

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  6. Oh no. Oh how I wish this wasn't true. I am so sorry for your loss dear woman. I am so, so very sorry for you both.

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  7. Suzanne, this is so fing unfair!! I am pissed and hurt for you. Why a BFP at all only to have to deal with this? I am so sorry and heartbroken for you. It is unfair, really, really unfair that you have to deal with this, to go through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. I was standing in line for an ice cream cone when I saw this title in my blog roll and I had to get out of line and sit down. This is heartbreaking. I don't get it. I just don't understand. You don't deserve any heartbreak let alone this one. My heart is breaking for you and I hate this. I pray for peace. I pray for understanding and acceptance. God Suzanne, this is not fair. I am so deeply sorry.

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  9. This is so so angering. I agree that is just feels like a dangled carrot. My heart is so heavy for you and I'm so sorry. Infertility is the cruelest thing I've ever known-mean, teasing, unfair. You are in our thoughts and prayers-like Emily mentioned-lightening speed recovery and getting the hope and strength to keep fighting this horrid fight. :(

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  10. Bless your heart, Suzanne. Ugh, this is soooo unfair. I hate this for you. I don't get it. I don't understand why these horrible things have to happen. I am so, so sorry.

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  11. NOOOOO!!!! Oh Suzanne!!! Tears, and tears, and more tears! I am just so very sorry! I'm at a loss for words! Broken hearted with you! I love you sweet friend!

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  12. It's a fucked up world we live in. It's not fair and I'm angry for you.

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  13. I wish this journey of infertility made sense, but it doesn't. I am so very sorry to hear your news! Be gentle to yourself!

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  14. Oh no Suzanne, my heart is hurting so badly for you right now. I can't for the life of me understand why this whole infertility process is so awful. You are so right, it makes no sense why you would get a BFP now, with your own eggs nonetheless, only do have it taken away almost as quickly as it came. I really wish that you didn't have to go through this :( I am praying for you daily

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  15. Suzanne, I'm so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say to help the pain and anger that you and T are feeling. My heart for you both. Hope you find healing together from this horribly unfair situation.

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  16. My heart sank when I saw the title. So sorry that you have to go through this. My prayers are with you and your husband.

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  17. I am SO very sorry to hear this :(

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  18. Huge hugs. Suzanne. There are no words and it's absolutely unfair. Thinking of you.

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  19. I just found your blog through another blog I've been following. I wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your husband seem like wonderful people, and there are no words to express how unfair this is. I'll be hoping you have good things ahead.

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  20. I am so sorry that you are oing through this. All infertility is unfair, but this is an especially rude version. I am sorry

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  21. Oh no. I'm so very sorry to hear this.
    Sending many good thoughts your way.

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  22. I am so so sorry for your loss. I feel sick to my stomach... so unfair. You are such a strong woman. I am praying you get your much deserved rainbow. Take care.

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  23. SO SORRY! My heart is breaking for you right now. I really wanted you guys to be that couple that you always "hear about" that as soon as they did ___ they got their own BFP. Sending you hugs!

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  24. Suzanne, I cried reading your post and I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. It isn't fair and I wish there were answers to all the questions. I also wish you a fast recovery and peace as you move forward. I truly hoped this was going to be your happy ending, but I have to hope that you will still get your happy ending, just a little more delayed. My heart is broken for you. Big, big, hugs and you will be in my thoughts.

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  25. Suzanne! No, no, no...

    My mom (who follows your blog as well) called me this morning specifically to tell me what had happened. Yep, we care that much about you. And I just felt so sick to my stomach, so angry, so crushed at the unfairness of it all. Why, why, WHY???

    Know that my heart is with you...broken in pieces.

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  26. Grrrrr. So so so angry. I'm sorry, friend. Wrapping you up in prayers and love. It's just not fair.

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  27. I am so sorry. You are right. Infertility is not fair.

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  28. Infertility definitely is not fair and its completely unjust as well. Im so sorry your going through this right now and sending warm prayers and well wishes to you both.

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  29. Oh no, no, no, no. Oh I'm so sorry Suzanne. My heart sunk when I saw this. It's completely, totally unfair. I'm thinking about you.

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  30. Oh suzanne, I'm so sorry. You're right infertility is extremely unfair. I just dont freaking get it, WHY?????????????? Sadly, I have no words of encouragment. Just know you're not alone, and I'm thinking about you. XOXOXOXO ♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡

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  31. I am so angry as well and upset and like everybody said, this is so so unfair! You should not go through this!! I still don't want to believe this! You are in my thoughts and i so hope that you get lucky!!! - Missingemma

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