Monday, July 29, 2013

Reality sucks

It's been a very long seven days for us. I feel so bad for being MIA for so long after such a grim post. The constant emails, comments and texts I received were so kind and everyone filled me with love. Knowing that I'm not alone. As bad as things my feel and seem...there are so many amazing women with their own struggles and their own stories of loss and infertility challenges that spent a few minutes out of their day sending prayers, thoughts and support.

Last week was a struggle. Emotionally, the loss hit us immediately. We couldn't believe after everything that we'd gone through, that this could end so quickly and harshly. My bleeding got pretty heavy by mid week. When I went in for my hCG level on Monday, it had been 81. So decreasing, slowly, but surely. On Thursday, I thought for sure it would be much lower as much as I was bleeding.

It was not. It was 110. My heart sank. My doctor started talking potential d&c and I needed to postpone my work trip to California this week. Until we know this is resolving...I'm going no where.

Even better...my husband had a weekend trip with his best friends from high school college (that he never sees) planned for 4 months. I couldn't imagine this weekend without him, but wanted him to go. I've never felt such a battle of the head vs. heart before EVER. In the end, I forced him out. Told him there was nothing he could do here...I have more than enough friends that are close if something happens, to go and try and get away from all this, even if it's for a moment.

I spent from Thursday night until Monday morning in bed. (except one lunch and dinner outing) I would walk up, feed the fat cats, grab some water and Cheez-its and back to bed. I watched movie after movie, read a few books and just laid there. It was exactly what I wanted to do this weekend. Nothing.

T arrived home last night and brought pizza and salad, and we had dinner in bed. I'm so glad he's home, but don't regret for a minute making him go. I think it was good for both of us.

My hCG level yesterday was encouraging. It's down to 65 now. I was in a lot of pain over the weekend. Mostly on the right side in my back, so I had been concerned. The bleeding has mostly stopped. My hope is that when I go back later this week, for an ultrasound and more labs...this will be almost over.

It's time to move on. Again.

27 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry.. My heart hurts for you both. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Yes, reality sucks big time! I am KMFX that you're hcg drops accordingly so you don't have go undergo a d&c. Suzanne, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's a road that NOBODY wants or deserves to go down. It sucks royally!!!! Many x's and o's to you and your dh. <3

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  3. Blughh. I hate this. Hate it all. Praying that everything will resolve quickly, but mostly I'm praying for your heart. Hang in there. Lots of love!

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  4. uhhh. When we had our miscarriage I remember being shocked that it takes awhile (for some reason I had never processed that). I was so so sad but reached the point of just wanting it to be done so I could move on and have closure. I will pray that your levels drop quick and that this door can be closed :( I hate it so much and brings me back to those horrible weeks of processing it all.

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  5. Ugh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine the pain of waiting this long for the number to go down so you can move on ... :( Horrible ... People like you don't deserve this. I'm so sorry.

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  6. So much peace and love being sent your way.

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  7. I kept thinking about you the entire weekend with my hubby :( I'm still thinking about you and always will!! - missingemma

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  8. Sweet Suzanne, praying for comfort and a peace that passes all understanding. Thinking about you tons!

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  9. I want to give you the biggest hug right now. I am so sorry that it is going like this. You are one really brave woman. I admire your eternal strength. I hope you can feel all the love I've been sending your way!!

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  10. Hi Suzanne, I am new to your blog but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. You and your husband seem like wonderful people and you deserve good things. Hoping the future gets brighter for you soon.

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  11. :(. Suzanne, my heart is so sad and hurt for you. I'm praying that you fin the strength to move on soon... I'm thinking of you and am really wondering these days how life can just be so cruel. xoxo

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  12. what an incredibly tough break for you and your husband. Seriously, it's getting a kick in the teeth when you are down already. I'm really glad you take care of yourself this weekend and just did exactly what you wanted to. There is no recipe for getting through these very difficult life events, so we only have our wisdom to guide us, and I'm just really heartened to know that you used yours this weekend.
    I hope you can avoid the d&c. It's good that the beta is dropping now.
    I hope for brighter days for you, Suzanne. Much brighter days.

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  14. I am so sorry that you are going through this... You are in my prayers!

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  15. Oh Suzanne, so sorry to hear this. Reality totally sucks sometimes. I'm glad you stayed in bed and took time for yourself. That sounds like exactly what you needed. Thinking of you and sending so much love and hugs your way.

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  16. My heart aches at the thought of your pain. Im truly sorry that you are going through thise. Hoping that your HCG drops and your dont have to undergo a d&c. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  17. Also sending you hugs. I can only imagine your pain. Totally support a weekend of personal bed and cheezit time!

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  18. Oh Suzanne, I am so sorry you are going through this. How strong of you to encourage your husband to go on his trip. I hope things get better for you soon... life is not fair.

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  19. My heart is aching for you Suzanne. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this :( I'm glad you were able to have a low key weekend and just take time for yourself. You're in my prayers!

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  20. You know one of these days, we are going to be swapping stories about our pregnancies instead of our pregnancy losses darnit! I know it must have been hard to have T gone, but in some ways I'm sure it was also best, and I know he loves you even more for the strong woman you are to handle much of this on your own and push him to go.

    Will be praying for those hCG levels to DROP and for you to have closure. Loss is so very hard, but my wish for you is that you can find some silver lining unexpectedly in all of this...even if it's just an even greater peace with moving toward donor eggs...if that is still your plan. For now, just be you with T, hold him close and know that you two will get through this. You are seriously going to hold the world's record for strongest couple EVER after this. No doubt you will make the best PARENTS ever as a result!

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  21. I'm very sorry about your loss. I went through something similar. The two of you seem like a such goodhearted couple. I wish the best for both of you.

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  22. I'm glad you were able to take some time to relax this weekend. I hope things get resolved quickly so you can have closure and continue to heal. I have been thinking of you and am still sending lots of love your way.

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  23. I am so aorry! I pray your levels will continue to drop. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

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  24. Hiyah! Just thinking of you. Not sure if you get emails from Circle + Bloom or not, but I got an invite to a free webinar that focuses on preventing miscarriage and thought you might be interested in attending also. It's on 8/14 at 12 pm Pacific. No clue if it will be good or not, but here is the link in case you want to do it... http://heidibrockmyre.com/staypregnant/

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    1. Thank you so much for sending me this!! I have Circle + Bloom in my iTunes but I don't get the emails. I just signed up! I'll be in LA that week, so I'll have to carve out a little hotel lunch break for that. I can only imagine sitting among a bunch of coworkers bawling my eyes out. Good heavens.

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    2. Awesome! Hopefully we'll get something from it!

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  25. I'm glad you posted an update. You've been on my mind and in my heart last week. I so wish you are T didn't have to go through this....it is not fair. AT ALL. Spending the weekend in bed is probably just what I would've done as well. Hugs.

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