It's been a very long seven days for us. I feel so bad for being MIA for so long after such a grim post. The constant emails, comments and texts I received were so kind and everyone filled me with love. Knowing that I'm not alone. As bad as things my feel and seem...there are so many amazing women with their own struggles and their own stories of loss and infertility challenges that spent a few minutes out of their day sending prayers, thoughts and support.
Last week was a struggle. Emotionally, the loss hit us immediately. We couldn't believe after everything that we'd gone through, that this could end so quickly and harshly. My bleeding got pretty heavy by mid week. When I went in for my hCG level on Monday, it had been 81. So decreasing, slowly, but surely. On Thursday, I thought for sure it would be much lower as much as I was bleeding.
It was not. It was 110. My heart sank. My doctor started talking potential d&c and I needed to postpone my work trip to California this week. Until we know this is resolving...I'm going no where.
Even better...my husband had a weekend trip with his best friends from high school college (that he never sees) planned for 4 months. I couldn't imagine this weekend without him, but wanted him to go. I've never felt such a battle of the head vs. heart before EVER. In the end, I forced him out. Told him there was nothing he could do here...I have more than enough friends that are close if something happens, to go and try and get away from all this, even if it's for a moment.
I spent from Thursday night until Monday morning in bed. (except one lunch and dinner outing) I would walk up, feed the fat cats, grab some water and Cheez-its and back to bed. I watched movie after movie, read a few books and just laid there. It was exactly what I wanted to do this weekend. Nothing.
T arrived home last night and brought pizza and salad, and we had dinner in bed. I'm so glad he's home, but don't regret for a minute making him go. I think it was good for both of us.
My hCG level yesterday was encouraging. It's down to 65 now. I was in a lot of pain over the weekend. Mostly on the right side in my back, so I had been concerned. The bleeding has mostly stopped. My hope is that when I go back later this week, for an ultrasound and more labs...this will be almost over.
It's time to move on. Again.