The timing of it all. The fact that we got pregnant at all. But really, none of that makes me feel better.
I got my hopes up. I believed for a nano second that maybe we were going to really have a baby. That it could happen. And that it would be mine. My DNA. My egg.
I was looking forward to donor eggs. I was excited to get started. What would be the point to give me a BFP now...only to take it away so quickly. Why even take me down that road?
These are my questions to the universe today.
I woke up in the middle of the night in the wee hours of Saturday with sharp pains in my uterus. I got up to go to the bathroom and there it was a tiny bit of blood. I knew then that this was over.
I was able to go in for labs yesterday. My hCG was 94. Down from 98 on Wednesday.
What's been the hardest part is that T was so hopeful. Even with the cramping and spotting (which got heavier yesterday) he didn't want to believe it. He wanted to be positive. There was no way this was happening to us again.
But it has, and we're just hurt right now. And angry. I'm angry. I'm mad that I believed. I'm mad that our donor egg cycle has just been delayed for nothing. I'm mad that a had a biological child dangled in my face only to be snatched away.
Infertility isn't fair. Nothing about it is fair.