Friday, August 2, 2013

Where is the fast forward button for my life?

I've tried so hard to remain positive this week. To keep my head up. To look forward to our next steps. To know that donor eggs is really a great shot for us and hopefully I can put the heartache that my own eggs have caused me, in the past. 

We've been looking at donors, and I've been in contact with my nurse at CCRM quite a bit the past week. I may have more news on that process next week...

First, we really have to get through this miscarriage. For whatever reason fate decided to put this pregnancy in my path at this particular time...I may never know. Is it to prove I'm strong enough to handle anything? To be resilient to whatever challenges I face? Is it to make sure I won't break? I'd love to know the answer to those questions. Haven't I proved all of those things these past 2 and a half years? Haven't I already been dealt a pretty shit hand? I've rebounded from everything life has dealt me and I still move forward. 

But at what cost? 

I can barely handle being around my super fertile friends and even family members. Not because I'm angry at them for so easily having what my body can't seem to achieve, though it may seem that way from others point of view. I'm just sad...for me. It's hard for me to really be present in their lives because it hurts so much. This is the only way I can protect my heart...what's left to protect of it anyway. 

I can't have children. That's something that has gone through my mind a lot recently. That simple statement. I can't have a child. 

That doesn't mean I can't have a child through extraordinary means. I certainly HOPE that's not the case. I hope with all that I have left in me that donor eggs is our answer. But this miscarriage has broken just a tiny bit of my soul. I've fully come to terms that my eggs are bad, that apparently at the ripe old age of 36. I've waited too long. 

I often wonder if my friends, family and even my husband see the woman I'm becoming. If they see me in the way that I feel. Bitter and broken. If they do, how can they possibly see me in the same light as they once did? I can't imagine that my husband thinks I'm that fun-loving, always smiling girl that he's spent the last 12 years with. There's not doubt that this has all changed me. On some levels...maybe for good. Maybe I'll appreciate motherhood in ways that women that have not gone through infertility cannot. Maybe I will be a stronger woman because of all this. But what if I don't become a mother?? Then what? Do I just become this empty shell of a person I used to be? Before infertility. 

I'm so sorry for my sorrowful post today. I was so excited a few days ago about what was to come...and maybe still will...but I face a road still marked with challenges. 

My beta went back up to 104 yesterday. I need a D&C. Unfortunately, you can't see anything in my uterus or tubes at this point because my levels never progressed past 110. They don't believe it's ectopic because my pain has subsided substantially since last weekend. He also wants to do a D&C, because he knows that I don't want the dreaded methotrexate unless it's absolutely necessary. That would set me back 3 least. Knowing CCRM...they would make me wait longer. Whatever it is...something is hanging on in my body and producing hCG. I can only hope that this is all that is needed to resolve this. So I can really move forward. My biggest fear is obviously the thought of scar tissue and damage. This will be my third D&C in less than two years.

Right now I just feel this ever present, refusing to leave reminder of what could have been. I feel like fate is laughing at me right now. 

I hope that next week brings a happier post. One that this is all behind me. One that brings new hope and exciting news. I'm hesitant even to say that at this point...I certainly don't want to jinx anything else. 

For now...I'm going to continue on and get through this as I have everything else that infertility has thrown at me and even as tears stream down my face, continue to be "fine". 


  1. My heart just aches that you have to go down this road again. I hate that I don't have the words to make it all better. And I won't say that I know exactly how you feel because everyone's journey is different. But you know that we are with you, and that you have the love and support of all of us every day no matter what. We will be strong for you. XOXO, my friend.

  2. Ughh, what is up with this beta?!? I'm so sorry Suzanne! So, so, so sorry! I'm still believing that things are going to get better, that fall is going to bring you a wondeful donor, beautiful eggs, healthy embryos... not giving up. But I hate this delay, this feeling of wasted time, this continued sadness.

    Hoping you have a relaxing weekend with the hubs! I'm not above sending cake to increase the chances of a good week!

  3. oh sweet Suzanne, Praying for complete healing, peace and that you are restored with faith and hope!!!!

  4. I ache for you, and this brings tears to my eyes because I know all too well the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling. This quote was the background on my phone for a really long time... your strength can never be measured, and although it's hard to pick up the pieces, it gets done and we move on to what's next. Thinking and praying for you during this difficult time :)

  5. I can so relate to your post title, "Where is the fast forward button for my life?" I've been asking myself that this whole summer. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Always waiting. I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through. Praying there are happier days ahead!

  6. Oh Suzanne, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this extended and painful journey. Hoping that your body will heal soon, and that you will find a way to move on towards building your family.

  7. As hard as it is to feel so separated from friends, family, and your "normal" life in general, I do think it's normal for anyone who has gone through what you've been through. You can only feel that horrible hurt so many times before your subconscious says, "Hey don't put me in that situation, because it just sucks!" Then, we just remove ourselves, because it's just too hard to constantly witness the cooing baby on the hip of a girlfriend. I am so in the same place right now.

    I can't answer any of those hard ?'s about WHY this happened. It's like REALLY, come on! What more do I need to learn Lord?! The only thing I can come up with is some strange but much needed peace, that now you'll be more confident that it's time to move onto donor eggs as you've discussed and contemplated so many times? I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by saying that. I am definitely no doctor. I can only analyze in my own mind what I could possibly take away from the experience of having this happen....coincidentally right before the hard decision of moving onto donor eggs. I hope that makes sense.

    Just know that we are all thinking of you and praying for you. You've been through A LOT, but I really think from here on out it can only get better. I just feel in my heart there is a rainbow in your very near future. Love you girl. Hang in there! Pulling for you always!

  8. Suzanne, I just want you to know that every day I'm thinking of you and saying a prayer and I'm so sorry for you having to deal with all of this. I ask why too and it's just not fair. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this, but I just remember there will be a day when I'm reading this blog and there's hope, and a baby, and planning, and happiness. I'm here for you now as you struggle to get there. *hugs*

  9. Oh huge hugs Suzanne. How frustrating that your hcg won't drop. There really are no words. I know that feeling of wanting to fast forward well. Know that I'm thinking of you and hoping and praying and I know things will get better in the future. So many hugs and so much love to you.

  10. You said exactly what I feel... When others are pregnant whether they're my friends or family, I get so upset. I don't get upset with them, but I get sad for me... Really sad. And the only way to protect ourselves is to stay away. And that is just sad in and of itself. Ugh. Thinking of you!!

    1. Hugs, Aubrey. I think you summed up most of what I wanted to say

  11. You are definitely not alone in how you're feeling! I think so many of us feel the exact same way that you do. It's so hard to be around pregnant people or people who have had no problems having families. Whether it's friends, family, or even just acquaintances, it's just a constant reminder of what we want so badly and would give anything to have. Hopefully we'll all join in their footsteps soon! You're in my prayers!

  12. I'm pretty positive everyone in our little IF community has these same feelings, so please know you are not alone. I've been there, more than once. Its perfectly okay and accepted to feel that way.... especially being in the place you are right now. It's so hard to explain to those who dont understand, but yes I often feel so happy for others, yet extremely sad for myself, for ALL OF US, for anybody in my position.

    As you know IF, brings on many stages and phases of, its okay to feel happy and hopeful one day, then sad and broken the next. Take care of yourself during this this time. Get a pedicure. Drink some cocktails. Get a massage. Date night?


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