We've been looking at donors, and I've been in contact with my nurse at CCRM quite a bit the past week. I may have more news on that process next week...
First, we really have to get through this miscarriage. For whatever reason fate decided to put this pregnancy in my path at this particular time...I may never know. Is it to prove I'm strong enough to handle anything? To be resilient to whatever challenges I face? Is it to make sure I won't break? I'd love to know the answer to those questions. Haven't I proved all of those things these past 2 and a half years? Haven't I already been dealt a pretty shit hand? I've rebounded from everything life has dealt me and I still move forward.
But at what cost?
I can barely handle being around my super fertile friends and even family members. Not because I'm angry at them for so easily having what my body can't seem to achieve, though it may seem that way from others point of view. I'm just sad...for me. It's hard for me to really be present in their lives because it hurts so much. This is the only way I can protect my heart...what's left to protect of it anyway.
I can't have children. That's something that has gone through my mind a lot recently. That simple statement. I can't have a child.
That doesn't mean I can't have a child through extraordinary means. I certainly HOPE that's not the case. I hope with all that I have left in me that donor eggs is our answer. But this miscarriage has broken just a tiny bit of my soul. I've fully come to terms that my eggs are bad, that apparently at the ripe old age of 36. I've waited too long.
I often wonder if my friends, family and even my husband see the woman I'm becoming. If they see me in the way that I feel. Bitter and broken. If they do, how can they possibly see me in the same light as they once did? I can't imagine that my husband thinks I'm that fun-loving, always smiling girl that he's spent the last 12 years with. There's not doubt that this has all changed me. On some levels...maybe for good. Maybe I'll appreciate motherhood in ways that women that have not gone through infertility cannot. Maybe I will be a stronger woman because of all this. But what if I don't become a mother?? Then what? Do I just become this empty shell of a person I used to be? Before infertility.
I'm so sorry for my sorrowful post today. I was so excited a few days ago about what was to come...and maybe still will...but I face a road still marked with challenges.
My beta went back up to 104 yesterday. I need a D&C. Unfortunately, you can't see anything in my uterus or tubes at this point because my levels never progressed past 110. They don't believe it's ectopic because my pain has subsided substantially since last weekend. He also wants to do a D&C, because he knows that I don't want the dreaded methotrexate unless it's absolutely necessary. That would set me back 3 months...at least. Knowing CCRM...they would make me wait longer. Whatever it is...something is hanging on in my body and producing hCG. I can only hope that this is all that is needed to resolve this. So I can really move forward. My biggest fear is obviously the thought of scar tissue and damage. This will be my third D&C in less than two years.
Right now I just feel this ever present, refusing to leave reminder of what could have been. I feel like fate is laughing at me right now.
I hope that next week brings a happier post. One that this is all behind me. One that brings new hope and exciting news. I'm hesitant even to say that at this point...I certainly don't want to jinx anything else.
For now...I'm going to continue on and get through this as I have everything else that infertility has thrown at me and even as tears stream down my face, continue to be "fine".