But the thing is...nothing is changing. Nothing is getting better and absolutely nothing is being done about it. My anxiety is through the roof right now. My holidays are shot. At least Thanksgiving was and I'm dreading Christmas. I was angry and bitter and just wanted to be at home rather than with my family who knows very little about my infertility. They know I had a miscarriage in 2011...but that's it. For whatever reason, that I can't even explain, while I can be very open to friends, acquaintances and strangers about my infertility, I can't seem to open up to them. No desire at all. And sadly, I found very little be thankful for other than this man that is always by my side that seems to keep picking me off the floor and holding me tight because he honestly doesn't know what else to do.
I still haven't had a period. Nothing. I thought I potentially ovulated because of an OPK and temp shift but 3 weeks later, still nothing. Of course, at the same time I thought I could be ovulating, my lining was a 2. So what's there to shed anyway? CCRM continued to tell me, wait another week, then call. After multiple weeks of this, I let them know on Tuesday that I still didn't have a period and the nurse responded with the following:
"I'm so very sorry. I suggest that you set up a phone regroup with your doctor in order to ask your questions. We can get you scheduled NEXT Thursday."
I then emailed my doctor because he's always so prompt with responses. Usually within a day. That was Tuesday night...still nothing.
I KNOW that CCRM knows that they're doing. I KNOW that they are the best and I KNOW that they can make miracles happen. But I can't help but feel a bit pushed under the rug. My first phone consult with them was last February. My one day work up was in June. Granted I had the ectopic pregnancy that month, but that was resolved in August. I also know it takes time for your body to get back on track. Even still, I've had enough ectopics, chemicals and D&C's to know...that 4 months is a bit excessive.
My gut, my every instinct is telling me that something is wrong. I've told them this. Multiple times over the past month but I've got nothing. Just a wait and see.
I spend my every waking minute literally shaking and on the verge of a panic attack. I started sobbing on my way into work this morning. I need someone to take me seriously. To listen to me. I am frightened that my beautiful embryos will go to waste. That I will never know them beyond their current frozen state.
I'm mostly afraid of what becomes of me if that happens. Will I always want to run for the hills every holiday because the thought of being around family literally makes me ill right now? Will I never get over this sharp pain of constant loss that is attacking my heart right now?
I really wanted to write something witty and clever and enjoyable so that all of you that are so kind to me, won't look at my blog as the girl that can't seem to get it together, but I am lost right now and have no idea where to turn or what to do.