Thursday, December 5, 2013

Holiday Funk

More than anything I have wanted to write a post that was not all doom and gloom. I even feel depressed looking back through my last few posts, I can only imagine what everyone else thinks reading about all of my boo hoo crap.

But the thing is...nothing is changing. Nothing is getting better and absolutely nothing is being done about it. My anxiety is through the roof right now. My holidays are shot. At least Thanksgiving was and I'm dreading Christmas. I was angry and bitter and just wanted to be at home rather than with my family who knows very little about my infertility. They know I had a miscarriage in 2011...but that's it. For whatever reason, that I can't even explain, while I can be very open to friends, acquaintances and strangers about my infertility, I can't seem to open up to them. No desire at all. And sadly, I found very little be thankful for other than this man that is always by my side that seems to keep picking me off the floor and holding me tight because he honestly doesn't know what else to do. 

I still haven't had a period. Nothing. I thought I potentially ovulated because of an OPK and temp shift but 3 weeks later, still nothing. Of course, at the same time I thought I could be ovulating, my lining was a 2. So what's there to shed anyway? CCRM continued to tell me, wait another week, then call. After multiple weeks of this, I let them know on Tuesday that I still didn't have a period and the nurse responded with the following:

"I'm so very sorry. I suggest that you set up a phone regroup with your doctor in order to ask your questions. We can get you scheduled NEXT Thursday."

I then emailed my doctor because he's always so prompt with responses. Usually within a day. That was Tuesday night...still nothing. 

I KNOW that CCRM knows that they're doing. I KNOW that they are the best and I KNOW that they can make miracles happen. But I can't help but feel a bit pushed under the rug. My first phone consult with them was last February. My one day work up was in June. Granted I had the ectopic pregnancy that month, but that was resolved in August. I also know it takes time for your body to get back on track. Even still, I've had enough ectopics, chemicals and D&C's to know...that 4 months is a bit excessive. 

My gut, my every instinct is telling me that something is wrong. I've told them this. Multiple times over the past month but I've got nothing. Just a wait and see. 

I spend my every waking minute literally shaking and on the verge of a panic attack. I started sobbing on my way into work this morning. I need someone to take me seriously. To listen to me. I am frightened that my beautiful embryos will go to waste. That I will never know them beyond their current frozen state.

I'm mostly afraid of what becomes of me if that happens. Will I always want to run for the hills every holiday because the thought of being around family literally makes me ill right now? Will I never get over this sharp pain of constant loss that is attacking my heart right now? 

I really wanted to write something witty and clever and enjoyable so that all of you that are so kind to me, won't look at my blog as the girl that can't seem to get it together, but I am lost right now and have no idea where to turn or what to do. 

22 comments:

  1. Oh, Suzanne, my heart hurts for you. I know I'm not much help, but if you ever want someone to vent to, I am always here. I don't understand why CCRM is pushing you to the side, but I hope there is a reason and they can get back to you soon because this isn't fair to you! Trust your gut and be your own advocate because you are a smart woman!

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  2. I am so sorry you are suffering so much right now. You know I have been worried about you and wondering how you are. Anyone in your shoes would be feeling the same way right now, so don't worry about venting to us. That's what we are here for!

    As far as your intuition telling you something is up, I agree with the commented above that you have to be you own advocate. Women's intuition is a powerful thing! You need more answers and I just wish you didn't have to fight so hard for them.

    Please tell me if there is anything I can do for you. I am always here to chat

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  3. No one expects you to feel any way other than what you're actually feeling. Your blog is the place to put those feelings on paper and seek support. That is what we're here for.

    There are so many difficult aspects of fertility treatments, but I think some of the absolute hardest times have been just waiting for a new cycle to begin at times. I realize I haven't had the same exact issue with that pesky p4 that seems to linger, but just in waiting for the body to normalize after losses and get back to normal (if that's really possible)...some of the hardest times ever! It took us four months to go through our cycle which produced an ectopic and to resolve it. I thought it would never end!

    I know it's frustrating being stuck in limbo and especially not getting answers. It's hard to hear a doctor say "just wait". Maybe that is what your body is trying to tell you though....that it just needs a break and more time to get back to the place that it CAN be the BEST possible place for your embryos to grow. I know this sucks, and you are just wishing your body could act freaking normal right now and at least begin a cycle with your hormones low like they should be! I do believe it's bound to happen at some point though. I don't think you're just going to be stuck there forever. Your body is just being stubborn, but it WILL come around.

    Are there any herbs you can get from your acu to help? I know there are several that will help bring on menstruation. Have you tried starving out the remaining bit of progesterone with high doses of Vitamin C?

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  4. I am so sorry Suzanne, I can't imagine your pain but I am sorry that you are having to feel it right now. Please know that I will have you in my prayers. Keep calling and emailing, they need to talk to you about what is going on. Keep pushing!

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  5. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. This must be such a frustrating situation. I totally understand how it feels when no one is listening to you or hearing your concerns. I bet that feeling is magnified because you are so far away. I believe that you will be a Mommy and your body will get it's act together. I agree with Emily, maybe your acu can give you some ways to destress and get rid of the anxiety. Sometimes a little R&R helps me. When all else fails maybe some wine?

    As always, I'm rooting for you. i pray that you find peace in this long frustrating wait. You're body will find itself at it's best when you do.

    BIGGEST HUGS EVER!!!

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  7. I've had 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months (our 1st 2 pregnancies) and I'm right there with you. I can't stand seeing all the perfect little famlies everywhere right now while continuing to ache to have our perfect little family. I'm so ready for the holidays to be over. Hugs to you.

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  8. I'm so sorry you feel pushed under the rug. I can imagine your frustrations! Praying for you to get some answers and for you to feel better mentally and physically so you can try to enjoy the holiday some. Most importantly always go with your gut instinct! You know your body best!

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  9. Oh Suzanne, I so wish I had the words to make you feel better. I am so sorry that I don't :( I just want you to know that you are on my mind all the time. That you're in my heart and are in my prayers. It's so easy to say that CCRM knows what they're doing, that they make miracles happen, etc. But nothing, NOTHING, makes you feel better when you're going through what you're dealing with right now - I know just how much your heart is hurting and I wish so badly I could make it all better for you. As Kasey said, trust your gut - do what you think is the right next step. I am praying that you get more of a sense of caring and compassion and steps for a plan of attack when you re-group with your doctor. xoxoxo

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  10. Oh girl. I'm so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I'm glad you are honest and share it with us! We all still love you and hope the best for you! Praying Psalm 30:5 over you, weeping may come at night, but joy comes in the morning!!! xoxo

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  11. Oh sweet Suzanne! Never feel like you owe us something. This is your place to lay it all out there. I would be a pissed off mess if this were happening to me. I don't blame you at all for feeling this way. I'm so, so sorry. I truly believe your cycle will get resolved. Those beautiful embryos certainly are NOT going to waste. xoxo ...

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  12. Suzanne- I am so, so sorry. I'm sorry for your pain, for the wait, for the depression and the suffocating anxiety. I'm so sorry. GO WITH YOUR GUT. Keep fighting until you get answers. You will be a mother! Praying so hard for you sweet girl. I pray you feel His peace tonight.

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  13. Also- I completely understand about keeping your family in the dark. My friends/strangers know about my infertility and my mother knows nothing. She doesn't even know we're trying to get pregnant. I can't explain it either.

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  14. I wish so badly that I could give you a real hug today. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could yell at your uterus in person and tell it to GET ON BOARD! I wish I could help. Thinking of you constantly, sweet friend! I love you, Suzanne!

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  15. Oh girlie! I don't know you but I just want to give you a big hug right now and tell you that it sucks now. "Psalms 30:11-12 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness..."

    This is one of my favorite promises in the Bible — that God turns mourning into dancing! He takes away the anguish of being clothed in sadness and replaces it with gladness.
    The enemy has caused circumstances in your life to cause mourning, shame, and sadness, but know that God will turn everything that the enemy meant for your harm and turn into something beautiful. I kept hearing this song in my head and I wanted to share it with you...it's powerful!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LcyQOLVS_U

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  16. Oh Suzanne, I am sorry! This is hard and I would NEVER EVER think "this girl can't get it together." I sometimes wish that all of us going through this infertility battle all lived in the same city, so we often didn't feel so alone and could be even better support and there for each other.
    I understand not choosing to share this struggle with others. Only my close family members know and ONE friend and of course all of my blogging friends. You are not alone and are so so normal, just like the rest of us. I am so so grateful for you! You are strong, so amazing, and I am praying for you- especially during this Christmas season.

    I am always available if you need someone to talk to, vent, yell, whatever! Big huge hugs! Hang in there.

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  17. Suzanne, I'm so with you on this… just know that I think of you daily, and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you aren't alone, ever. xoxo

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  18. Oh Suzanne, words cannot express what your must be feeling right now. Don't be afraid to vent on your blog, chances are there's plenty of us going through the same emotions. I wish I can snap my fingers so the witch would sing ur way and u can begin your journey again. I will keep u in my prayers so you can find peace and comfort during the holiday season.

    PS I completely get not wanting to be around family or ppl in general. I have to hide my true feeling around the two pregnant women in my family. Hope you feel better(:

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  19. Hi Suzanne, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It's not fair...none of it. I completely understand your non-holiday mood....I recently have been diagnosed with DOR, my sister just announced she's pregnant (after 1 month of TTC of course) and I'm having a tough time finding things to be merry about at the moment.
    Wishing you good news...sooner than later!

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  20. Suzanne, I'm so sorry you are still stuck in this crappy situation. The holidays sure don't help when you're feeling low and left behind while everyone else expects you to be happily decorating the tree.
    Trust your gut. My body certainly isn't perfect, but if I feel like something is wrong, that often is true. Push CCRM to take a closer look.
    Sending you a virtual hug and hoping that 2014 will bring wonderful news for you.

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  21. That's an overlearned pattern many of us have, isn't it. We feel like we SHOULD cheer up already, share the joy (or whatever). But it isn't always such a happy place where we find ourselves. And certainly not where you are at right now, despite your ability to experience deep gratitude for what you have. And so, I just feel compelled to say to you right now: It's ok to feel shitty. You've been going through hell. No one here is expecting you to post cheerful blog post. I can only speak for myself, but I prefer reading about what you are genuinely experiencing inside.

    And I want to also say that I'm sorry things are not progressing, in terms of your body getting back to a cooperative stance in the baby-making department.

    And finally, I think it is imperative that you listen to your gut. If you feel that something is wrong, and that waiting and seeing is not the right course of action, then SPEAK UP! You live in your body, and your doctors don't. There may be some after effects of the methotrexate. There may be something else going on. But if it's niggling at you, then keep asking for what you need.

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  22. Suzanne, I only post a tiny bit on the Babycenter DE IVF page, so I'm essentially a stranger -- so I apologize for kind of 'butting in,' but your posts always touch me, because you are so very kind and seem like a wonderful friend to your (many!) online and IRL friends. I can totally understand your feelings right now...and think you're being very strong in the face of big challenges. I think your 'panic attack' feelings are important -- and even if the big answers are still down the road for you, it's worth looking for some immediate support to feel better in the meantime. Maybe you and your husband could book a last minute getaway -- could you even go away for Christmas itself? There's nothing wrong with saying, 'we need a year off from tradition,' if it's all just too painful this year. Getting some medical and/or emotional support locally while you wait on CCRM might be helpful too...can you get in to see your regular doctor, a counselor, a pastor? Might not be able to address the fertility questions, but might at least help you to breathe freely and find some joy this holiday season...best wishes from a stranger who cares that you're feeling down... smts

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