I do have a family that I talk to, that listens and that knows all the struggles that I have faced over these past several years. I do not have words to express what your comments and emails have meant to me. Some of you I've talked to almost daily for months, even years at this point. Some of you I don't know very well...and you may have posted anonymously...but your comments have struck me with how very lucky I am to have the amount of support and love, that I do. I wanted to say that before I say anything else, because really, it's what makes me strong enough to carry on.
My husband is traveling almost the entire month of December. So between that and my struggle with the approaching holidays, we decided that we'd decorate minimally this year. Just our end tables and mantle. It's enough. We didn't completely shut out Christmas, but it's not overwhelming. Here's a picture of our mantle after we finished.
Yes, we have 5 stockings. One for T & I, and one for our three fat cats cause we're crazy cat people.
After my post on Thursday, I did hear back from Dr. G at CCRM. He still wanted to continue on with another mock cycle and try to get my lining to at least 6mm. I continued to question him about the lining and potential for scar tissue, but he brushed that aside for now. He asked that I have an ultrasound and lab work to see where I was.
So I was right. I am ovulating normally. The "cyst" that the CCRM nurse asked me if I had thought about having drained a few weeks ago, was not a cyst (I knew this) it was a follicle. I had been using OPK's and BBT these past few weeks and I knew I ovulated and knew my temps were rising and falling as they should based on a normal luteal phase. However, I still wasn't having a period. My ultrasound confirmed all of this. I was at a baseline stage. My lining was (still) thin and my ovaries were quiet. No cyst. My estradiol was also lower than it's been in 8 months. It was 75. My progesterone was still elevated at 1.43, but that seems to be my new baseline normal.
I decided that I could no longer wait and see, nor was I willing to continue to fork out thousands of dollars on mock cycles that I knew weren't going to produce a thick lining. Call it a gut feeling.
I saw my ObGyn on Friday. Spoke with him about everything that's been going on. He agreed that my ovaries seem to be working, my cycles seem to be normal, but my lining seems stuck. He said that he does believe I should investigate what's going on and he offered to do a saline infusion sonohystogram.
While I have been worried about what CCRM would think about me doing this without their orders, at the same time, I had to find out. My heart has just felt that something is wrong.
Unfortunately...I was right.
The saline sonohystogram did not go well. My uterus would not even allow fluid inside which indicates that the walls of my uterus are adhered together. Which indicates severe Asherman's Syndrome. My ObGyn told me that his recommendation is that CCRM preform an operative hysteroscopy to attempt to remove the scar tissue.
CCRM called me (finally) this afternoon to discuss my results from Friday's monitoring visit. They wanted me to try a special mock cycle. Once I told her about the procedure I had today, she said that definitely changes things and I could hear the compassion in her voice. She felt sorry for me.
I'm currently waiting on my OB's office to send over the report from today so that Dr. G at CCRM can then tell me what I need to do. I'm hoping he'll be willing to do the surgery that I need. What I do know is I want them to try and fix this before telling me that I need a surrogate.
My husband is traveling right now. It was a rough day for sure and I wish I'd had him to come home to. I also had an MRI this morning that showed a labrum tear in my right hip. I had the same thing in my left hip 6 years ago. I have hip dysplasia (yes, like a dog) that makes me very susceptible to these type of tears. Awesome, huh?
It means I was told I needed 2 surgeries in a 4 hour period. One that will have me on crutches for 3 weeks and one that will determined whether I will ever have children.
So when I came home to an empty house tonight, I ate breakfast for dinner, drank TWO glasses of wine, took a long hot bath and have been sitting in bed since 7:30 pm. What I keep looking at is what's on the mantle in our bedroom, that is directly in front of my bed. It's a wonderful reminder of what I do have. Even if he is far away right now...
(My brother-in-law made this for us as a wedding present)
(My company Christmas party, Friday night)
I'm going to end this with another thank you for all of your kind and compassionate words of encouragement. I am not giving up and I am not done. I will move mountains to have a baby and this has not changed my determination. I have 6 embryos counting on me.