Monday, December 9, 2013

An Unsurmountable Journey?

Do you want to know what I've learned the past few days since my last post?

I do have a family that I talk to, that listens and that knows all the struggles that I have faced over these past several years. I do not have words to express what your comments and emails have meant to me. Some of you I've talked to almost daily for months, even years at this point. Some of you I don't know very well...and you may have posted anonymously...but your comments have struck me with how very lucky I am to have the amount of support and love, that I do. I wanted to say that before I say anything else, because really, it's what makes me strong enough to carry on.

My husband is traveling almost the entire month of December. So between that and my struggle with the approaching holidays, we decided that we'd decorate minimally this year. Just our end tables and mantle. It's enough. We didn't completely shut out Christmas, but it's not overwhelming. Here's a picture of our mantle after we finished.




Yes, we have 5 stockings. One for T & I, and one for our three fat cats cause we're crazy cat people. 

After my post on Thursday, I did hear back from Dr. G at CCRM. He still wanted to continue on with another mock cycle and try to get my lining to at least 6mm. I continued to question him about the lining and potential for scar tissue, but he brushed that aside for now. He asked that I have an ultrasound and lab work to see where I was. 

So I was right. I am ovulating normally. The "cyst" that the CCRM nurse asked me if I had thought about having drained a few weeks ago, was not a cyst (I knew this) it was a follicle. I had been using OPK's and BBT these past few weeks and I knew I ovulated and knew my temps were rising and falling as they should based on a normal luteal phase. However, I still wasn't having a period. My ultrasound confirmed all of this. I was at a baseline stage. My lining was (still) thin and my ovaries were  quiet. No cyst. My estradiol was also lower than it's been in 8 months. It was 75. My progesterone was still elevated at 1.43, but that seems to be my new baseline normal. 

I decided that I could no longer wait and see, nor was I willing to continue to fork out thousands of dollars on mock cycles that I knew weren't going to produce a thick lining. Call it a gut feeling. 

I saw my ObGyn on Friday. Spoke with him about everything that's been going on. He agreed that my ovaries seem to be working, my cycles seem to be normal, but my lining seems stuck. He said that he does believe I should investigate what's going on and he offered to do a saline infusion sonohystogram.  

While I have been worried about what CCRM would think about me doing this without their orders, at the same time, I had to find out. My heart has just felt that something is wrong. 

Unfortunately...I was right. 

The saline sonohystogram did not go well. My uterus would not even allow fluid inside which indicates that the walls of my uterus are adhered together. Which indicates severe Asherman's Syndrome. My ObGyn told me that his recommendation is that CCRM preform an operative hysteroscopy to attempt to remove the scar tissue. 

CCRM called me (finally) this afternoon to discuss my results from Friday's monitoring visit. They wanted me to try a special mock cycle. Once I told her about the procedure I had today, she said that definitely changes things and I could hear the compassion in her voice. She felt sorry for me. 

I'm currently waiting on my OB's office to send over the report from today so that Dr. G at CCRM can then tell me what I need to do. I'm hoping he'll be willing to do the surgery that I need. What I do know is I want them to try and fix this before telling me that I need a surrogate. 

My husband is traveling right now. It was a rough day for sure and I wish I'd had him to come home to. I also had an MRI this morning that showed a labrum tear in my right hip. I had the same thing in my left hip 6 years ago. I have hip dysplasia (yes, like a dog) that makes me very susceptible to these type of tears. Awesome, huh?

It means I was told I needed 2 surgeries in a 4 hour period. One that will have me on crutches for 3 weeks and one that will determined whether I will ever have children. 

So when I came home to an empty house tonight, I ate breakfast for dinner, drank TWO glasses of wine, took a long hot bath and have been sitting in bed since 7:30 pm. What I keep looking at is what's on the mantle in our bedroom, that is directly in front of my bed. It's a wonderful reminder of what I do have. Even if he is far away right now...


(My brother-in-law made this for us as a wedding present)


(My company Christmas party, Friday night)

I'm going to end this with another thank you for all of your kind and compassionate words of encouragement. I am not giving up and I am not done. I will move mountains to have a baby and this has not changed my determination. I have 6 embryos counting on me. 






22 comments:

  1. I sure do love you, my dearest friend.

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  2. You amaze me with your strength. I am so sorry this is how your day went. I'm sorry this is happening at all. I am so glad you went with your gut. I don't know anything about ashermans syndrome. What causes that scar tissue & then causes it to fuse together? I hope hubby is home soon to give you the biggest hug ever. Sometimes three glasses of wine are in order! Big hug from me.

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  3. awwe girl I am so sorry you have had a bad day. :/ Just remember that Luke 1:37 says that with God ALL things are possible and at any moment things could turn around :) Keep believing! Keep hoping! I'm saying lots of prayers for you

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  4. I'm so sorry for your struggles. Just wanted to let you know that about a year ago I had a failed hysterosalpingogram (hsg)...due to cervical stenosis (my cervix fused shut after my d&c). I then had to have an operative hysteroscopy, where they were able to open my cervix, and found that there was no additional scarring....so technically not asherman's syndrome, but similar. I remember doing a lot of research about asherman's and I think the biggest takeaway is to be very comfortable with the surgeon (and make sure they know what they are doing)...basically trust your gut (which you already do!). Sending good vibes your way...

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  5. I am so glad that you went ahead and had your OBGYN do the sonohystogram. I am sorry it is such a battle sometimes to get the answers you need. I am hoping this all puts you on the path that leads you to having your baby!

    I love the wedding present your BIL gave you! I hope your hubby returns home quickly and safely to you. Treat yourself to whatever your heart's desire in the meantime ;)

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  6. Girl, so sorry to hear about the day. And, even harder that sweet husband isn't there to be with you! Thinking about you during this difficult time and stepping out in faith that Hope in the Lord never disappoints. He is the great physician!!!! xoxox Hugs from TX

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  7. Hi Suzanne - I happened across your blog when I was looking for success stories on a thin lining. I'm 36 and been TTC since Oct 2012 and got pregnant in April of this year. I was actually pregnant while sitting at my initial consultation at CCRM. My FSH is slightly high but honestly there is really nothing wrong. I've known since I went off the pill in May 2012 that something wasn't right. I never had light periods until I stopped the pill. Well fast forward to now, I've had 2 failed IUI cycles, assuming it's because my lining was 5.4mm and 5.8mm. I sit here right now wearing my Vivelle patch and hoping that next Wednesday I find out that my lining responded well to the them.
    I would have been due Christmas Day and I can't take more crappy news. It's my first holiday away from my family and as far as I'm concerned I should have been staying at home waiting for my first baby to arrive.

    While your story isn't the success I was looking for, your words are inspiring and quite frankly it's just nice to have a friend in the journey.
    Crazy enough I too am in advertising and I'm finding that the stress of my job might not be helping my situation.

    I will be thinking about your and following your journey. Good luck and here's to hoping that 2014 is the year for both of us!

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  8. Oh Suzanne. I wish I was there to give u a great big hug. And to have a glass of wine with you. I'm glad you went with your gut feeling and seeked for answers. Praying that CCRM can perform the surgery and allow you to have ur miracle baby. Lots of hugs!

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  9. Oh goodness! So much bad news in one day. Praying the surgery is a success and glad that you at least have some answers. Glad you went with your gut feeling!

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  10. I am so sorry you are alone at home after finding all of this out, but I am so glad you investigated further when that voice was telling you to do so. Just goes to show that dr.'s, even the best ones, don't know our bodies as well as we do sometimes. Just so happy you looked deeper. Prayers for the best possible outcome for both surgeries. Have breakfast for dinner and wine as many nights as you want!

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  11. I am so sorry about all of this....What makes me more mad was tha CCRM was just going to keep doing mock cycles and crap without further investigation. I am so glad you stood up and took charge and found out what was really going on!! My prayers are that everything that entails for this to be taken care of goes smooth, and you feel comfort and peace through the next few weeks....(hugz)

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  12. Ugh. That is a lot to take in during a short period of time. I am glad that you aren't giving up! And I love that you grabbed the bulls by the horn and got some stuff figured out. I am praying for you!!

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  13. Suz, your strength and determination WILL get you through this. Do not give up, my sweet friend. You have my prayers, always!! xoxo

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  14. I hate this so much! You, my friend, do not deserve ANY of this! I wish so badly that I could help, fix something, offer words of wisdom. I'm not giving up hope though Suzanne, so don't you give up either! Lots of prayers for wisdom and discernment! Love you, sweet friend!

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  15. Life doesnt make much sense today but we shud live in the hope that someday it will. I wish you the best for the coming year and hope 2014 would be fantastic. You guys look so great together and its a blessing in itself....

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  16. For goodness sake, Suzanne, you don't deserve this bull s***. I am so, very sorry. It's amazing what our guts tell us. I'm so sorry CCRM didn't listen to you. I'm so sorry this new syndrome arose. I'm so sorry you have to endure more time, surgery, questioning. Ugh, I'm just so deeply sorry. :( My prayers are with you.

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  17. i'm glad you went with your gut and went to your ob/gyn to get checked out. sometimes even the doctors we trust don't know what's best. hopefully you can have the hysteroscopy to have the problem fixed. Keep your head up, we're all with you! xoxo!

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  18. I am so proud that you followed your gut and didn't let the doctor brush aside your feelings and worries. One of the reasons I insisted on tests so early was because I just knew somewhere inside that something wasn't right. I'm sure that saved my husband and I months of frustration and unsuccessful trying. Praying that the surgery will bring you the answers you need.

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  19. I was so angry when I first read your post that I thought it best to delay commenting. I can't believe that you were dismissed so often by your ccrm doc, when in fact there was something significant going on with your uterus, something that 40 mock cycles would never have fixed.How's that for patient centered care? Argh!!!!
    And, if I may, I am so incredibly proud of you for listening to your gut feeling. You are a strong, very wise woman. You know yourself well, and you know what you need, whether it be a sonohystogram or 2 glasses of wine.
    I hope you can get a hysteroscopy booked soon and get that uterus in tip top shape. There are embryos awaiting to become babies.

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  20. Sorry to hear the news but at least you know what's going on now. As I read your post I am feeling so proud of you that you followed your instincts and kept pursuing an answer even if one doctor wasn't really listening!

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  21. I'm sorry to hear those crappy news! I'm so glad you took the matter into your own hands, but so sorry that the outcome was as you feared. And here I was unhappy with the tiny "unclear" bit on my own sonohysterogram from Monday... I so much hope you'll find a great doctor to sort this out!

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  22. oh you sweet, sweet doll. I'm so glad that you went with your gut and had the saline done! Sometimes we just KNOW. I hope that this can be fixed, or improved?? I'm not sure of the right word to use. I've been thinking about you a lot (not in a creepy, stalker way), but I your story just pops in my head daily and I say a little prayer.
    P.S. I love that I Do sign. How precious. What a cool gift to make someone

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