Monday, December 23, 2013

Where do I start?

I wish I could say that I came to Denver and they looked at my uterus and saw a magic fix. I wish a lot of things.

I wish that maybe we hadn't waited until I was 34 to get married and start trying for a family

I wish that I had never had a D&C in August, especially since the pregnancy wasn't in my uterus.

I wish I had never gotten pregnant this summer. It's only caused more and more heartache and loss.

That's an awful thing to say, isn't it? But I feel like now that one time miracle, has taken away the chance of me ever carrying a child.

CCRM was great. As they were last time I was here, the doctor was very thorough with my hysteroscopy. The one in June was quick and fairly painless. The one today took longer and hurt quite a bit more. All I could think during, was I just wanted him to see everything he needed in order to figure all of this out, I would have gone through any amount of pain at that point.



The first problem was my cervix. It was basically sealed shut with scar tissue. So his belief is that the SIS my ObGYN did never made it into my uterus. He was able to finally break through and get his scope where he needed it.

The next problem was the scar tissue at the top of my uterus. It was NOT adhered shut as my ObGYN believed. This was the good news.

The last problem was my endometrial glands (basal layer) were damaged, most likely during my August D&C. These glands are basically what help make our lining nice and pink and cushy.

The plan is surgery. (I already knew this, right?) I head back out to Denver (okay, actually I haven't left yet, I'm sitting at the airport with a 3 hour delay--scratch that…it has taken me 3 days to finish this post) for surgery on January 10th. They will remove all the scar tissue and place a balloon in my uterus to keep it from collapsing. After a week, this will be removed and I will begin estrogen therapy for 2 months. After that, I will then do a mock cycle to again, attempt to grow my lining.

The tricky part is the glands. It's not something that can be fixed. We are just basically hoping with everything we've got that with the removal of the scar tissue, that the glands will start "working" again. If the first mock cycle doesn't work, we will do one more mock. If that doesn't work….

Game over.

My only option will be a gestational carrier.

It was crystal clear how much my doctor did not want to tell me this news. He apologized over and over again. He showed me the hysteroscopy film from June, when everything looked great. It was a far cry from where it was today. I understand now, that he just didn't anticipate that much damage from August to now. I'm glad I pushed, but in the end, finding out a month ago wouldn't have changed the outcome. I wish I hadn't had to force his hand, but that's something that I have to put behind me and focus on making this work.

On to what made my trip to Denver extra special. Meeting Nicki for the first time was truly a gift. I can never repay her enough or even comprehend how happy it makes my heart that she would, on a moments notice, book a flight to sit with someone she had never met before at a doctors office. Okay, I'll admit it, we also sat at a wine bar talking, laughing and crying for hours. She's simply amazing and my life is better to have her in it. Thanks N, you are the BEST!


All of your comments recently really meant a lot to me. I've never felt so loved and supported in my life. To know how passionate some of you felt regarding my care really warmed my heart in a way I can't even describe. I may not have responded to each and every comment, but please know what every one meant to me.

Finally, I just want to tell all of my wonderful friends that are reading this blog that I truly wish you all have very Merry Christmas. Whether you're still struggling and waiting for your miracle, or you are dealing with a loss and trying to start again, or if you've finally after years of trying, finally had your dreams come true…I'm thinking of all of you this holiday season.



Much love,

Suz

25 comments:

  1. So sad Denver didn't go as planned. Wishing for many blessings for you in the coming new year.

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  2. It is absolutely crazy to think that the D&C caused all this... I hate this for you! I know if still seems like a really long road, but I'm not giving up, and I know you're not either.

    Have you ever read Annie over at Sweetest in the Gale? I'm pretty sure she had this procedure done too... I remember her talking about a balloon. This is her blog andsweetestinthegaleisheard.blogspot.com and this is her email sweetestinthegaleisheard@gmail.com I think she's traveling right now for the holidays, but if you have any questions about the procedure, I'm sure she'd be happy to help. She's super sweet!

    I really hope that you and Trevor can have a good Christmas! Thinking of you often! LOVE YOU!!!

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  3. Sorry it didn't go like you wanted, but I think it's the sweetest thing a friend you never had met before went with you! Hope everything goes well in January and you have a very Merry Christmas!!!! xoxo

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  4. I was thinking about you all day today so I'm so glad to see a post from you!

    Oh Suzanne, I am so sorry about all of this. I hate that you have to go through so much more than what you've already been through. I am really praying hard that the surgery in January is all you need to make this work. Will you be in CO for long??

    Please know I am thinking of you all the time! XOXO

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  5. Oh my gosh... I am so sorry you have to deal with so much! It still sounds like you are in good hands at CCRM and the plan they have will give you the best possible chances. I was always nervous about my lining because it would never get above 7 mm, but I conceived with just under 7. I hope the surgery works and your glands are able to heal.

    How wonderful that you met your friend! If you ever come to Canada, I would love to meet up!

    I've been thinking about you and I am so glad to hear from you. I wish you the best possible holiday season and that 2014 will be better for you. xo

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  6. I had a hysteroscopy & laparoscopy in November 2012 and I had the balloon put in also- I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have about the procedure!

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  7. I wish I could give you a hug. And I wish that 2014 will bring better news for you.

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  8. Much love to you, my friend. I hope you guys have a wonderful holiday!! I'm always a text away if you need anything. XOXO

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  9. I'm sorry the news was not all that great, but with that being said, you will be starting the new year off fixing it all with luck and hope on your side, as well as a lot of prayers!! Praying this is your answer to finally getting you your miracle!! Merry Christmas!! I hope you are still able to find joy I the season, as I know just how hard that can be!!

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  10. I'm sorry things didn't go so well, but you have a plan in place… and that somehow softens the blow a bit.
    I hope YOU have a wonderful, relaxing, peaceful holiday. Lots of love :)

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  11. My heart broke as I read the doctor's report..but with God ALL things are subject to change. Facts change but truth in Him remains. He can and will make all things new for you. Just put your hope and faith in His healing power. I'm praying for you and I'm praying that you will conceive and carry full term. Hugs! Merry Christmas

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  12. Been thinking of you non-stop and so glad to see an update. This is not the ultimate best scenario I know, but it's definitely not the worst. You still have options. I'm happy a specialist with perhaps more expertise is going to go in there and clean things up. The estrogen therapy will keep it from scarring post-surgery, and you'll have such a nice smooth surface to work with in there. They are virtually giving your lining the best clean slate they can, and I believe it can help! You've got to believe that too! Plus, you haven't even tried the big guns as far as using estrogen shots for your mock cycle, if that's what you guys try. There are so many things working in your favor from here on out. The human body is an absolutely amazing piece of machinery....yours included. I have every confidence in the world you're going to reboot that lining of yours and make it a very welcoming place for one of those beautiful embryos.

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  13. Suzanne, you are an amazing and inspiring person! I have so much love for you and you've been on my mind. Even with this news you didn't want to hear, you are moving forward and doing what you can. I know done days must feel hopeless and many days I know you must think why bother, but the surgery just had to work. After all you've been through, all you continue to go through, I believe you will end up with your baby(ies). When you do, it's all worth it. I am constantly thinking about you and praying. This will work out. *hugs* lots of love to you!

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  14. I am sorry Suzanne that your doctor didn't have the best info to share. I will be hoping and praying that your glands start working after you remove the scar tissue.
    I am so glad you got them to give you the attention you deserve. You are amazing and so strong!
    Wishing you a very Merry Christmas to you and wishing good, amazing things coming your way in the new year!!!

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  15. I've been following from a far, so sorry to hear about this news. So glad you followed your instincts and at least have answers. Wishing you the best with your up coming surgery

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  16. All of this from a D&C? Wow. I'm so sorry you received such difficult news. I will continue praying for you. Considering everything you have been through, I feel you still have a good attitude about it. I look forward to your next update. I will be praying for you in the meantime!

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  17. It hurt to read your post. It really did. To know that you were asked to have a D&C in August, and that by others urging you to do this, your uterus was damaged. I can't imagine how you feel, Suzanne. I'm very sorry that this is where things are at.

    I hope there is some comfort in the fact that there are steps to be taken before calling it quits on your uterus. There is some hope for healing of the endometrial glands. The surgery, the balloon, these things can help. A couple of friends had this procedure and they both got pregnant afterwards. One of them had a badly damaged uterus from a previous D&C, and now she has an almost 2-year-old. So, I think there is reason to hope.

    Have you also considered seeing a traditional Chinese Medicine doctor or Naturopath could help in terms of promoting healing in your body? It might not be something you are into, but I just thought I'd suggest it because it helped me get ready for my DE cycles.

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  18. I'm sorry that the news you received wasn't what you were looking for. I have been thinking about you. You are at the best clinic and I'm confident that they will be leading you in the best direction. I will be praying that 2014 brings you your miracle.

    You are so strong and I admire so much about you.

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  19. Oh Suzanne! I am so, so sorry. How tough and disappointing all of this must be. My heart is hurting. Sending you much love in this hard time.

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  20. Oh no honey. I'm sorry that you didn't receive more positive news. So hoping the surgery will help straighten things out. You're so strong. I'm inspired by your perseverance despite the setbacks. XOXO

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  21. Here's to 2014 being what you need it to be!

    If you ever need more support while in Denver, give me a hollar

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    1. Ugh...blogspot and iPhones don't mix well.

      I'm local and can never have enough friends to talk to. :)

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  22. 2014---here's to hoping that this is the last bend in the road for you before YOUR time. I deeply want that to be so for you. XO

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  23. These are definitely not the news you wanted to hear from your doctor. But everything has a brighter side. 2013 may not be your year; but who knows, 2014 might store something special for you. Just keep your spirits up and I’m sure things will get better. How are you now, btw?

    Elli @ CentennialObgynPA.com

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    1. It's been a long few months to say the least. I'm in the middle of a mock cycle now to see if my lining was damaged irreparably or whether surgery was able to fix it. If you go to my most recent posts, you'll see get a better picture of how things have been going. :) http://hope4babybump.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-update-before-update.html

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