Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Aftermath and Regroup

Last week was probably one of the lowest moments of the last three years.

I want to apologize for not responding to all of your comments. I read each and every one (out loud even to my husband) and cherished them more than you will ever know. It amazes me still, that I am part of a community of women that support each other so fiercly, even though many of us have never met face to face, and share such love and kindness in moments of joy and despair.

We may all have different roads, but we are on the same journey and no one and I mean no one, understands any of this the way we do. Infertility is an awful disease. But because of it, I have so many of you in my life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

One of these days we should all have a great, big infertile "play date" reunion. Wouldn't that be amazing? Imagine the tears and laughs we could share. I dare to dream.

Last week was difficult to even get out of bed. Shower. Even move. But I did. Kind of. T was out of town last week, which was hard on us both. I think the news of the negative beta effected him harder than anything we've been through to date. That, my friends…was the worst and broke my heart. He's always been so strong and so supportive, but to see him grieve and struggle with what this meant for us, was torture. He was so sure, so confident that it was going to work.

Last Thursday was our anniversary and he flew back in town that morning. Neither of us went to work and took the day off just to be together. We had lunch, had our wedding bands engraved (each with a little something that we say to each other) had a couples massage, shopped and ended the night with a fantastic dinner and MUCH needed bottle of wine.


It was not a sad day. I've never felt more loved and more connected to my husband than I did on that day. We have not been blessed with a child yet, but I most certainly was blessed with love from one hell of a good guy.

We spent the weekend in Gatlinburg, Tennessee for a friends wedding. We drove, so it was actually a nice little road trip for the two of us. We talked a lot about what to do and where to go from here…

Yesterday we had our regroup with Dr. G. I won't lie. This was a really tough phone call. Mostly, because he gave us two options and I was only expecting one.

We discussed my failed cycle, my questions regarding the protocol and changes from the protocol. (i.e.. not doing the Neupogen Uterine Wash) All his responses made sense. Basically he was afraid that it was too late to do the wash because if my progesterone would have risen due to being on the stims for longer, then the whole cycle would have been cancelled. I get it, but at the same time, I went into this cycle hoping for an "all guns blazing" and it never really felt like it quite got there.

He said everything had looked good (despite the thin lining), even better than it ever had for me in the past year, so he was very disappointed as well that it hadn't worked.

He then offered to do another cycle. Transferring one or two embryos and planning on doing the uterine wash earlier. This was what I was not expecting. I had trouble even getting the words out and my husband had to finish for me.

We declined.

We have 5 beautiful embryos. I just can't waste them on me. Not now. Does that mean if we are able to have a successful pregnancy with a gestational carrier that I won't try again with my uterus with any embryos we have remaining? Absolutely I would. But right now? I just can't. And that was very, very difficult to walk away from.

Dr. G confirmed that the fastest, most successful way for us to have a baby, is through a carrier. Today I received all the gestational carrier information from CCRM on what our next steps need to be.

So here we are. Looking forward, not backwards.

Now I'm off to catch up on all the blog happenings I've missed this past week! xoxoxo


28 comments:

  1. You are my hero. You are so strong. And in the face of such a tough hand, you still manage to have fun with T and look forward. I'm sorry last week was so rough. Hugs!

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  2. When people have emailed me or texted me wanting to know how you're doing I tell them that you're okay... not good, not by any means, but not broken either (though I know you feel that way). I tell them that you're one of the strongest women I've ever known. I tell them you're so strong, and so determined... you'll find a way through this.

    I really believe that... that you and T will find a way through this mess. I'm not a glass half empty kind of girl, it's just not my nature, and hell, infertility has kind of made me think half empty looks a lot more like three quarters empty. But I really, really believe that you two are going to be okay, that your child(ren) will come, and that better days are ahead for your family.

    Love you!

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  3. I don't have any idea at all how it feels to go through everything you have been through but my prayers continue for you and your future family. Hugs!

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  4. I am so so sorry this last cycle didn't work. It is understandable that last week was so horrible for you.
    I understand your frustration with the doctor in why didn't he do this or that… I hate those feelings and questions, when you really needed everything put into that cycle.
    I completely get not wanting to put any more embryos into you! That is exactly where we are at too, and I really hope that I have the opportunity to try in the future, but if not I have got to try with someone else's body first at this point.
    I am so so glad you and your husband had such a nice day together! Treat yourselves and do what you need to do for yourselves.
    Always thinking of you! Sending you a big hug! Wishing you all the best moving forward :)

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  5. I LOVED reading about your fabulous anniversary. It sounds perfect and I'm so glad you had such a wonderful day. There can't be a couple that's more deserving. Although it was a surprise to you that your Dr. offered another cycle I think if I was in your shoes I would have made the same decision. It's the faster route and you are absolutely right that you can try again with the remaining embryos at a later time. I'll be keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers as you start down this new path and hope with all my heart for great success and happiness in your very near future.

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  6. You sound so strong despite so much heartache. How wonderful for the two of you that you got to spend your anniversary together. Yes, you are lucky to have the love of a wonderful man. I hope you can find some sense of peace as you make a plan to move forward even though it includes giving up something that is wanted so so much. Thanks for the update...

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  7. Your anniversary sounds fabulous and I am so glad you were able to have a celebratory day in the midst everything else going on. Stay strong and good luck with all of the surrogate paperwork/selection/etc. This can't be easy. I've found through everything that I am SO thankful (like you) for my husband. I wouldn't have survived the months since we lost our daughter without him.

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  8. Happy Anniversary! Thank you for this post . . . hearing about your weekend and your relationship with your husband and that things can be beautiful even through the sorrow gives me hope. I am praying for you as you start your journey to find that special woman who will carry your child. It may not be the way you thought it would be . . . but when you are holding your child, I hope the hard road that you (and also me) have traveled will start to fade into a distant memory. It's all so very worth it. Keep. Moving. Forward.

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  9. I can only imagine how difficult that moment on the phone was. I'm proud of for not getting lured in and sticking to your plan. I know you'll have your baby in your arms one way or another!

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  10. You are so brave, strong and determined. That's amazing that you at T have the strength and relationship to discuss what's next. I'm afraid, I get overwhelmed and shut down. You're inspiring. A gestational carrier will bring you a baby, though I'm certain you will be mourning carrying a child, and I'm sorry for that. God bless you, lovely woman. ������

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  11. First of all let me say how happy I am that you have such a wonderful husband by your side. Without their support where would we stand? I'm glad you two were able to enjoy ur anniversary and rejuvenate a little. My heart still aches thinking about everything you've been through. You definitely deserve a trophy! (We should create trophies and recognition for women and men experiencing infertility.) my prayers are still with you Suzanne. May the lord heal your wounds.

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  12. I'm glad you guys got to celebrate your anniversary, especially getting your rings engraved. I'm thinking about you, dear. Wouldn't that be wonderful to have this massive get-together? I would love that. Sending you love and strength.

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  13. You are so strong, Suzanne. It must have been so hard to say no, even though I totally understand why (as much as anyone who hasn't been in this position can). I hope that you'll have a baby in your arms sometime next year, and that then you'll feel like you made the right decision.
    And I'm so glad you have this wonderful husband. Seeing them suffer is so painful - it was one of the hardest things for me after the twins died. T will be a wonderful father someday.

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  14. Your anniversary celebration sounds like something beautiful, and possibly just what you needed at that moment. I'm sorry that the doc threw a wrench in with a second option, but like you said, something you may consider after you have a child in your home already.

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  15. wow! Love the Lord's timing that you got to have a 'getaway' and a road trip - I'm glad you were able to celebrate your anniversary and most important spend it together. I know that was a tough talk with the doctor, but I'm glad you were able to regroup and make a plan!! We are here with you, believing and praying, every step of the way. Hope that the carrier process is a peaceful process for you - I know every day you are one step closer to being a mom xoxo

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  16. Praying for peace and clarity as you begin the GC process. Your anniversary sounds wonderful!

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  17. What a hard time this must be for you two, and yet you are able to connect and comfort each other. That's amazing.Not all couples have that, and it seems like you are aware of this and grateful for your connection.
    I'm glad you had a plan in mind in case this FET didn't work because I think you might feel really lost right now if you didn't. It sounds like the GC plan is a very sound one. I can appreciate not wanting to try any further FETs yourself for the time being. Like you said, if you already had a child (or children) you might feel in a better spot to take that chance. But right now, it's time to make you two parents, and find the best, most likely and fastest way to do that.
    My thoughts are with you.

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  18. I'm so glad to hear a hint of happiness amidst all of the heartache as of late. You and T really have something special, and it's such a blessing to be that in love and be there for each other.

    It's still a lot to wrap your brain around, but silver lining is that you can move forward with the GC now, knowing you really and I mean REALLY tried to do all you could first. No second guesses. No regrets. Fastest and most successful route to parenthood sounds like the winner! I am uber excited for you two to embark on this final stretch to parenthood!

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  19. I'm happy to see an update from you. I've thought about you often, but wanted to give you a bit of space as you grieved. You are an amazing, strong woman. I'm so glad you were able to enjoy your anniversary with your husband. It sounds like you had a very good day together. It is also neat you were in Gatlinburg! That is just over 3 hours from me! We go up there often for weekend getaways. It is so beautiful and so relaxing up there.

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  20. I am so heartbroken for you, but am amazed at what strength you have... I'm so glad you are looking towards the future and taking the next steps forward. And what an awesome and supportive hubby you have! You are both in my prayers!

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  21. That decision wasn't easy to make. But you did it and you are moving forward. You are strong, even in the midst of this crisis. I am glad you had such a nice anniversary. You both deserve it after all you have been through.

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  22. Oh Suzanne- I honestly don't even know what to write/say to you. YOU, my friend, are so incredibly strong. You are brave and courageous and you are doing everything you can to bring a baby home- you are an inspiration and I admire all you're doing. My heart is with you always. XOXO

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  23. I'm awed by you. You've been going through such a challenging time and dealing with it all with such grace every step of the way. I hope things get easier from here... Happy Anniversary

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  24. You.Are.Amazing! Your strength, courage, endurance and positive outlook is inspiring! You will be a mom one day. I am believing, hoping, and praying with you and for you. xo

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  25. Suzanne, thinking about you so much and sending you strength for this journey ahead. You are amazing and strong and we all love you. These children who are coming are going to be so lucky to have you as a mom.

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  26. I wish that I could do something to take your pain away, but since I can't please know that I am here thinking of you and your husband. I will be praying through this selection process. You are in one word, amazing... Stay strong.

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