I want to apologize for not responding to all of your comments. I read each and every one (out loud even to my husband) and cherished them more than you will ever know. It amazes me still, that I am part of a community of women that support each other so fiercly, even though many of us have never met face to face, and share such love and kindness in moments of joy and despair.
We may all have different roads, but we are on the same journey and no one and I mean no one, understands any of this the way we do. Infertility is an awful disease. But because of it, I have so many of you in my life.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
One of these days we should all have a great, big infertile "play date" reunion. Wouldn't that be amazing? Imagine the tears and laughs we could share. I dare to dream.
Last week was difficult to even get out of bed. Shower. Even move. But I did. Kind of. T was out of town last week, which was hard on us both. I think the news of the negative beta effected him harder than anything we've been through to date. That, my friends…was the worst and broke my heart. He's always been so strong and so supportive, but to see him grieve and struggle with what this meant for us, was torture. He was so sure, so confident that it was going to work.
Last Thursday was our anniversary and he flew back in town that morning. Neither of us went to work and took the day off just to be together. We had lunch, had our wedding bands engraved (each with a little something that we say to each other) had a couples massage, shopped and ended the night with a fantastic dinner and MUCH needed bottle of wine.
It was not a sad day. I've never felt more loved and more connected to my husband than I did on that day. We have not been blessed with a child yet, but I most certainly was blessed with love from one hell of a good guy.
We spent the weekend in Gatlinburg, Tennessee for a friends wedding. We drove, so it was actually a nice little road trip for the two of us. We talked a lot about what to do and where to go from here…
Yesterday we had our regroup with Dr. G. I won't lie. This was a really tough phone call. Mostly, because he gave us two options and I was only expecting one.
We discussed my failed cycle, my questions regarding the protocol and changes from the protocol. (i.e.. not doing the Neupogen Uterine Wash) All his responses made sense. Basically he was afraid that it was too late to do the wash because if my progesterone would have risen due to being on the stims for longer, then the whole cycle would have been cancelled. I get it, but at the same time, I went into this cycle hoping for an "all guns blazing" and it never really felt like it quite got there.
He said everything had looked good (despite the thin lining), even better than it ever had for me in the past year, so he was very disappointed as well that it hadn't worked.
He then offered to do another cycle. Transferring one or two embryos and planning on doing the uterine wash earlier. This was what I was not expecting. I had trouble even getting the words out and my husband had to finish for me.
We have 5 beautiful embryos. I just can't waste them on me. Not now. Does that mean if we are able to have a successful pregnancy with a gestational carrier that I won't try again with my uterus with any embryos we have remaining? Absolutely I would. But right now? I just can't. And that was very, very difficult to walk away from.
Dr. G confirmed that the fastest, most successful way for us to have a baby, is through a carrier. Today I received all the gestational carrier information from CCRM on what our next steps need to be.
So here we are. Looking forward, not backwards.
Now I'm off to catch up on all the blog happenings I've missed this past week! xoxoxo