Monday, June 9, 2014

I'm only human...

I can take so much, before I've had enough…
but I'm only human
and I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human...
and I crash and I break down

It didn't work. 

We knew it was a long shot. But we had hoped that after all that it's taken for us to get to this moment, maybe this once the odds would land on our side. 

They didn't.

I started testing last week, and I knew. So many people try and say that they implant later with FET's…or you have to wait till your beta. Some people even said don't analyze the symptoms, but I never had any to analyze. I know that it's because everyone wants this for us, so they hang on to every little shred of hope. I'd by lying if I didn't wake up every morning these past few days, hoping they were right. 

They weren't.

Words keep going through my head that I can't seem to shake. It's words that have haunted me for years. Words that for some reason, I've always feared.

I cannot have children. 

I can't make a baby. I don't have enough eggs. I can't carry a baby. I have a broken womb. 

I cannot have children. 

Here I am, one month shy of my 37th birthday. The year that our "fertility takes a nose dive"…but my fertility left me a long time ago. Now it's time to face that, and what it means.

I won't lie and say that I'm okay. I'm really not. I've cried in the middle of a parking lot at a mall. I cried driving down the road. I've cried on my couch and while curled up in bed. I've cried on my husband's shoulder. Right now, my heart is broken because what I want most in this world is to complete my family with T…and no doctor, no specialist, no matter where we go or who we see, is going to fix me

CCRM has worked miracles for many couples with some of the toughest cases…but I'm not going to be one of them.

I cannot have children.

Yesterday I went to see "The Fault In Our Stars". I read the book, so I realized what I was doing when I decided to go see this movie (by myself). And yes…I pretty much cried for the entire two hour film. Some because of the movie, and some for me…

There is a quote in the movie that hit me: 

"Apparently the world is not a wish making factory"

No, Augustus Waters, it is not.

My infertility journey is coming to an end. There is nothing more that can be done for me. Or that I will allow. I cannot risk wasting another embryo on my body. We have to move on. There are only five left.

So this week we'll begin to look for our gestational carrier. Whoever she is, hopefully she makes all our dreams come true. I can only imagine what a special person she will be.

I'll be thinking about how my child will not have my eyes, or my mother's smile. How I'll never be the one to bring him or her into this world. 

We'll be grieving for the embryo that we lost. Our best. And he or she is gone because I couldn't provide a healthy place for it. 

On Thursday, we will celebrate our wedding anniversary. 3 years. I wish I could say it's been nothing but bliss. Infertility has kept a dark cloud hovering over our entire marriage. What it has been filled with is love. And support. Holding each other up, when we needed it most. Making each other laugh, even when we'd rather cry. 


He's my everything. Can you tell? 

We'll get through this.




I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it
But I'm only human

46 comments:

  1. My heart is broken with you right now Suzanne. You are right...so many people pulling for you and wanting it to work, because WE LOVE YOU! Right now must feel like the end of the world, and you have every right to feel that way. However, if I know one thing, it's how strong you are. I know you are just plain tired of being strong at this point, but as always you will get through this.

    Just think though...once you choose your GC and have that successful transfer and are expecting YOUR little girl or boy, everything is going to change. No more dark cloud hanging around. I have no doubt, there is still a lot of room left in your heart for hope and the excitement of your dreams to become a parent. All of the pain will be forced out by joy. Half of your child will always be T, and he/she is going to look to you as MOM and no one else. You ARE going to be an amazing mother to a very lucky child...or children! :)

    Allow yourself time to heal, and please let me know if you need anything at all. Love you to the moon and back. xoxo

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  2. There just simply are no words. I wish so badly that I could come up with something that would ease your pain, comfort your heart, bless your soul, but there simply are no words. No words to describe the loss of that embryo, no words to describe this journey, no words to describe what's ahead.

    Love you so much, friend. Abiding with you.

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  3. suzanne- i have never written, but your blog and experiences ring true for me- we have tried for three years, nothing but i refused to give up - i dont know how to keep you motivated and how to help pull you out of the darkness but you will be a parent. you will. just know that there are so many souls including me who are praying and pulling each day for you. you may not know me by name, but you know my journey, and i yours. and you are going to be an amazing mother and your husband an amazing father and these tears will seem so distant.

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  4. Suzanne, I am so sorry. Sending you so much love.

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  5. Suzanne, I just want happiness for you. I want that family, that baby for you. I can't express how much you don't deserve this reality. You deserve so much more. I'm just so very sorry.

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  6. I will repeat Amanda's words that there actually aren't words to express my deepest and most heartfelt condolences to you. I will be praying for you and your husband as you grieve this loss and the end of this part of your journey. May you find peace and comfort in God's embrace and in the embrace of each other and feel all the prayers and love being sent to you.

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  7. Suzanne, I am just so sorry. I wish there was anything else I could say, but I don't know what that would be. I am so angry at what you're going through and that someone like you would ever have to deal with all that you're dealing with. I will continue to keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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  8. I wish this was different for you. You fought so hard for this- did all of the right things. I wanted your pain and suffering to end with this cycle.

    Mourning this loss on top of the others you have faced is unthinkable. I am so glad you have such a supportive hubby, you can tell the bond is so strong that holds you together.

    I'll be thinking of you often. Lean on us. We're here for you.

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  9. ahh. I agree with Julia. She once blogged about "compound" lost. This on top of everything forsure equals a lot of tears :( I hate it so much for you. YOu are such a beautiful person and have fought so hard. I know it doesn't help now but I am so happy you are not giving up on being a mommy. I 100% know the feeling of "LIFE IS NOT FAIR" and being so close to throwing in the towel, but until the desire to not raise a child leaves, we cannot stop. All my love to you sweet friend.

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  10. Oh sweetie I am heart broken for you. I'm praying so hard for comfort and peace for you. I can not imagine what you are feeling right now. Please know that they are so many people lifting you up in prayer right now. You are in my thoughts friend.

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  11. I am so very sorry for all of your pain.

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  12. I wish there was something I could say to make this better. This is cruel and unfair, you deserve better. My prayers are with you Suzanne.

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  13. Love you and wish with all my heart I could make this pain go away. You are, bar none, the strongest person I know. Here for you now and always. Take good care of your sweet heart. The journey is not done -- I'm sure of it.

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  14. Suzanne, I don't even know what to say. "I am sorry" isn't enough. I want to hand you my heart so you can feel for yourself how absolutely and truly sorry I am that this didn't work. I am just heartbroken for you and angry, very angry. I just don't understand. I don't know why. I have to believe there's a reason, not that any of this makes it easier. I just know you will get that child and when you do, all of this will be worth it. Today none of that helps, today you are hurting. I am so, so sorry. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. *hugs*

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  15. Oh Suzanne. I'm so very sorry to hear this. You're right, we all wanted this for you - still do. We will be here to support you on whatever journey it takes to bring your little one(s) home.
    But for now, take good care of your and T's broken hearts, and grieve all these painful losses. Of this particular embryo, of the possibility to carry your child, of all those experiences. I can't even wrap my head around it.
    Thinking of you lots.

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  16. What a sad end to this journey. I hope you are able to find another road that leads to fulfilling your dream of parenthood.

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  17. I am so so sorry....If I was not broken myself, I would carry for you in a heartbeat, for free, whatever it took...I hate this for you, I utterly hate it~!! Please know you are close in my heart an in my prayers right now...

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  18. Suz - I am so sorry. How incredibly painful this has been. - Thin Lining Girl

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  19. We love you and T so much! Sending hugs and strength your way. I'm so sorry. It should not be this hard. It's not fair. And it's not your fault. Keep fighting my dear friend. Some wonderful woman is going to make your dreams come true.

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  20. Oh, no. No. I am so, so sorry. I know there are no words to make you feel better, and I can't say that I understand how you feel because no one can possibly know unless they've been there. But you are such a good writer and have put yourself, your pain, and your journey out there for all of us that I think I can safely say we all feel your heartbreak as if it were our own. I know you have a lot of mourning to do, but I am sure that you will get your baby one day and you will feel the joy of motherhood. You will. You will be in my thoughts. XO

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  21. I cried with you when I read this post. Those words....I cannot have children...are like daggers through the heart.
    I am very sorry for this loss; the loss of this embryo, the loss of your dream to be pregnant and give birth to your child, and the loss of an important dream/goal. This is such an unimaginable outcome, and yet you are here and somehow still standing.
    I think of all the blog posts and comments you have written on my blog; I look at all the amazing women you have attracted here and who are committed friends to you; I think of your amazing relationship with your husband; I think of the resilient spirit you have; and if I put all that together, I believe there will be much brighter days for you, and I believe that you will become a mother, one way or another.
    But right now, I am grieving with you. You deserve so much more. This is incredibly unfair. I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

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  22. Oh Suzanne, my heart goes out to you. It's not fair. It's so fucking not fair. Wishing you and your husband peace and strength as you grieve and navigate your next steps. xoxo

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  23. I am so, so sorry. Life seems so cruel sometimes. We spend our childhood/teen years/early adulthood dreaming about what our future will look like, and it's devastating when we realize that won't be our reality. I hope your sadness is soon replaced by joyfulness, and that things work out in a way that make you truly happy.

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  24. Oh Suzanne... there are no words... my heart broke for you when I read this. I hope from the bottom of my heart that this roller coaster is over for you soon and that you get the happily ever after you deserve. It may not be the one you envisioned but I hope you are happy.

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  25. I'm soo sorry to read this!!! I know there is nothing that can be said to make this better. You are a strong woman, stronger than any woman should have to be. Im sorry your body is failing you! But I still have hope for your family! It will happen!! Best of luck finding the perfect gestational carrier!!

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  26. Oh Suzanne... i am SO so sad reading this and am so sorry that this didn't work. I am praying for comfort for you and your husband and lots of praying that you find an amazing gestational carrier.

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  27. I'm so very sorry to hear this news. I've been checking in frequently - hoping, wishing for a positive report from you. Sending calm and peace your way.

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  28. Oh how I hate this post. I hate loss. I hate losing something. I hate having to go through the grieving stages - it's so hard. I hope you take time for yourself - to grieve - it's only healthy and necessary. It might be a week, it might be a year. I'm grieving with you - but with hope - because I know that this story will have a rainbow at the end of it. It's obviously not how you would have written it, but I trust in God that it will be good. He is near to the brokenhearted and He is catching every tear - should, scream, kick, cry - do it all - He understands! Love you friend

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  29. I am so sorry Suzanne. Praying for both of you during this time and I pray that your positive outcome happens sooner than later. You are in my thoughts.

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  30. It feels like there's nothing I can say that won't sound insignificant in talking about your pain. If there were anything I could do to take it away from you, I would. It's so totally unfair. All I can tell you from going through seven tortured pregnancies is that pregnancy itself is not all it's cracked up to be, and some of us just can never have that blissful experience we imagine. But I believe that when you're holding your sweet baby -- and I so believe in your quest, I so believe you will get there -- you won't care how s/he came out. Keep fighting, Suzanne. Take a new path, but keep fighting. You're so much stronger than you think.

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  31. You are such a strong woman to have written such a heartbreaking post. You wrote so beautifully and without a sense of anger. I'm sitting at work crying my eyes out right now. I can feel the pain in your words. I wish there was something I could do from afar to take this pain, disappointment, and sadness away from you. I am so so very sorry, Suzanne. This is not the post I wanted to read from you today, just as I'm sure this is not the post you wanted to ever have to write. Please do not lose faith in God. I know it might be hard to see Him right now, but He is still with you. I will be praying for you and your husband as you search for the perfect gestational carrier. I pray she will bless you with a child. I pray God will give you peace and comfort during this time of grieving and loss. May He wrap His arms around you and catch every single one of your tears. You will be a Mom, Suzanne. Oh how badly I want you to be a mom. . . Sending lots of hugs your way. Chin up.

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  32. I'm crying for you. I'm soooo sorry.

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  33. Suzanne I am so so sorry. I too cried when I read this beautiful heartbreaking post. I am devastated for you that this wasn't "the one". Take care of each other and on your anniversary try to celebrate your love not your losses. I know this is not the end of your journey, it's just a turn in the road. You will be in my thoughts.

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  34. Commenting for the first time just to say how sad I am to hear this news. My thoughts are with you as you figure out your next steps to mommy-hood.

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  35. My heart is so broken for you. You will continue to be in my prayers.

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  36. Hi there, just found your blog through a fellow blogger, Dear Baby Bell... I just wanted to take a moment to extend some thoughts and prayers your way. Although our journeys are different, as infertility sisters we can
    relate in so many ways. My heart breaks for you and your husband. Happy to be newly following you along on your journey.

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  37. I'm new to your blog and so sorry to be visiting under these circumstances. I can feel your sadness and pain through every word. I know heavy loss but not like this. I can imagine how this news would leave you. I will pray that a GC will bring you the happy ending you are longing for.
    MissConception

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  38. Oh Suzanne- I am so sorry! I had so much hope this would be it. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...
    I hope that you find your gestational carrier at the perfect time for you! This may sound silly (I wouldn't believe it if someone told me this a year ago) but I'm sure there is someone out there (like my cousin for me) who would be willing to be your gestational carrier out of the goodness of their heart. It is obvious that you are so amazing and there are so many people who love you, so that is why I say what I say.
    Take time for yourself to grieve, heal, whatever you need. Sending you a big hug! xoxo

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  39. Hi Suzanne-
    I have been reading your blog off and on for awhile and silently cheering you on from the sideline. I don't have anything profound to add that others have not already expressed, but wanted you to know that I'm just another person out there who is standing beside you.

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  40. Oh Suz. I hate this so much. So so so so so very much. I wish I had the words to somehow make everything a little better. I hate that I don't have the words. I hate that your journey continues... I hate that you're dealing with this. I just want everything to be better. I want to take this all away from you :( Hang in there and know that I'm thinking of you my sweet friend. XOXO

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  41. I am so sorry! You are so brave to have tried as hard as you did. I hope you find a gestational carrier soon and that you can start to rebuild your broken hope for the future. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep on hanging on.

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  42. I'm so sorry that you're journey to a family has been a tough one. I really do. It took us 14+ years and an egg donor to finally bring us our twins. You deserve to cry and to mourn what you have gone through. What I can tell you though, if surrogacy is what ultra marl brings you your family, I won't matter how you go there to that point. They will be YOUR babies. I'm so hopeful for you that you still have that as an option. Hugs and prayers your way.

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  43. I'm here from Amanda at Genuine Greavu. I want you to know that I'm so sorry and there's one more person praying for you.

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  44. Love, love, love to you. There is nothing more I can add to these comments, except to say, my heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry.

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  45. i am finally catching up...and, i'm beyond saddened. i'm sending you all the love you can handle!

    hang tough, love! xo


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