My Tuesday ramblings

Slowly, but surely, my hCG is dropping. Not sure why I was so much more worried about this second round of blood work since my shot of Methotrexate, but I was. I didn't want to hear that it was still bouncing around or lingering. I did NOT want to hear that I needed a second shot of that nastiness.

After a brutal night of waiting, because OB's just do not get results to you as quickly as an RE does, I found out that my hCG dropped from 80 to 36. It's dropping over 50% every week. My doctor was very pleased with this.

Obviously, I want it at 0, like, yesterday. The good news is things are moving, and moving in the right direction.

Minus some really nasty allergies (on my part) the hubs and I had a really nice weekend. Friday night we sat outside at a local restaurant with a great bottle of wine. Saturday we did little errands and had a nice dinner at home that was delish...thanks to him...not me. Sunday was cleaning and relax day before starting another week.

I also received the sweetest little surprise in the mail from a dear, sweet blog friend, Aubrey. Even as she approaches her own cycle, she took the time to send out such sweet goodie bags. She really helped boost my spirits and remind me how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing women. While I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy, I am thankful that so many of you have come in to my life. Go wish her your best and safe travels as she goes out to Denver for her IVF. She's one strong lady.

I have so many lovely friends that have so much on the line these next few weeks. Some blog friends, some real life friends, some friends from forums. Some with only one chance at IVF and feeling so much pressure to make sure this is exactly right. Some facing the most difficult of odds and in the hardest 2ww of her life. Some facing the birth of the child they hoped for month after month. Some hoping that just the right birth parents realize that the perfect parents for their unborn child, is right here, just waiting for them. Maybe it's your last FET or IVF cycle before plan b? plan c? Others are embarking on a new journey of donor eggs, hoping this is the magic wand of fertility or just waiting to get through that awful first trimester so that you can finally relax...a little. Some ladies are holding their newborn babies right now, still adjusting to the fact that something they waited and wanted for so long, is REAL and staring back at them.

Whoever you are right at this moment. My heart is with you. I know I sometimes obsess over what is going on right here and right now, but as I sit and wait out this most current challenge, I've had this overwhelming sense lately of what's going on around me.

So my wish today. That every one of you reading this blog post is well on your way to happiness.

This gift

I recently came across this song that has had a real impact on me. I can imagine that anyone that is or has dealt with infertility would feel deeply connected to the words. Especially as I become closer and closer to the point of accepting such an amazing "gift" of life from a perfect stranger that is forever going to have a special place in my heart for what she is doing for us, whatever her reasons may be. 

"This Gift"

This gift will last forever

This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is waiting to be found

Your heart's in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require leaving
This gift will fall right in your hand
Just try to understand...

If you long enough
And you don't give up
If you're strong enough
And you don't give up
And you...

You'll be no harbor to the sorrow
Just let it go.

Don't hang your head in sorrow
Don't give up just before you win
Don't wait around for tomorrow
Open up your arms and let it in

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Just you believe it now 

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Your heart's in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require believing
These things just fall right in your hand
Just try to understand

If you long enough
And you don't give up
If you're strong enough
And you don't give 

This song was recorded for the motion picture "The Odd Life of Timothy Green". I wouldn't say it's an oscar winner, but it is a story about a couple with infertility and was very sweet and the emotion in the beginning was very...real. This song plays during the final credits. 

Also, I want to thank Emily for her cleverness. I think our donor shall from here on out be known as Goose. So many places we can go with that!! Who can forget Goose from Top Gun, the loyal co-pilot, as our donor will be in a way, co-piloting this journey. Then you have the nursery rhyme "Mother Goose". Last but not least, you have the goose that laid the golden egg. 

All very appropriate. 

"Slower than molasses in December"

(Thanks N...I couldn't resist borrowing that for my title)

My hCG is dropping. It went from 179 to 80. That's one shot of methotrexate and 10 days later. Yes, I would have love to have been a wee bit closer to 40, but it's dropping. That's what counts. I'll go back next Monday for another check.

The waiting continues.

My donor cycle is getting real. So real that I received the giant bill that I have to pay CCRM before she starts her stims in a few weeks. Nothing realer than having that slap ya in the face! It's one thing to have saved for so long, it's another to actually write that check and see it all disappear from our bank account. All our hopes and dreams just out there.

I've felt pretty good lately. Not overly excited, per say, but not necessarily sad either. More at peace than anything. Could be that I've been so sick that I'm just in kind of a zombie like state, so we'll revisit that statement next week when my body is back to tip-top, fighting shape.

Kinda of in blogging limbo right now with not a ton of stuff  going on. For now, I'll share this...because CCRM keeps their donors identities completely anonymous, we only see childhood photos. I'm obviously not going to share her photos online, but I recently came across the pictures we sent the CCRM staff so that they could help us with the matching process. Here's a glimpse at what a little me looked like back in the day.

I'm also trying to decide on a good name for my donor so I can stop calling her "the donor". Suggestions?

Well, when you put it that way...

Maybe our doctor's offices should always tell us a worse case scenario. Then, when they come back and tell you different, you have a bit of excitement!

That's what happened last night. My RE had been on vacation when the nurse told me she thought it would be a six month wait after the methotrexate injection. I received an email yesterday letting me know that I only have to wait three months! FINALLY...a wee bit of good news! I'll take what I can get at this point.

Not only that, but I can do the mock cycle and endometrium biopsy as soon as my hCG levels are <5. This means, potentially, if the levels are finally beginning to fall, by the time my 3 month wait is over, we can go right into a transfer.

I would LOVE to have my transfer before the end of the year. It just seems like it would be pure torture to have these embryos on ice with no where to go.

My trip to Southern California had been going fine until I started getting sick. So here I am, boarding a redeye later this evening with some sort of nasty cold. My fellow passengers are going to adore me.

Doesn't matter, no one is raining on my parade, at least today. I have good news, albeit small and I'm thrilled.

Next hCG is on Saturday...hoping it's going in the right direction.