I guess part of the step back was also the limbo I've been in. I needed a mental break before Goose's cycle began. Before my mock cycle begins. Just to be me. That helped...a little. But as you all know. Infertility is never not there. It's still on my mind, daily, hourly...you get it.
Last Friday was Goose's baseline. I was only going to hear from CCRM if the cycle was not going to continue. So I waited all day for the phone NOT to ring. It didn't. So we went on about our weekend and on Sunday, gave a little shout out to Goose as she started her stims.
Yesterday was her first monitoring appointment. I was told they would not update me, that I would need to call or email later in the afternoon (to allow for blood work to be back) and then they would respond. Remember, CCRM is two hours behind me, so with great torture, I waited until close to 4:30 to email my nurse. As soon as I hit send, I headed into my barre class for a distraction. I knew otherwise, I'd just stare at my phone for who knows how long it would take her to reply.
After my class, I had an email...and a missed call. Goose's appointment did not go well. They weren't specific on this, but said they were upping her meds and rechecking on Friday, but there was a possibility that this cycle would be cancelled.
I can only assume that after only 3 days of stims, she really must not have had many follicles for them to already be considering canceling. It certainly does not sound good.
I know that with my own eggs, it would be a different story. They would just keep pumping me with meds to get as many eggs as possible. With donor eggs it's different. They expect a lot. They won't go forward without a good number that they are happy with.
All in all, I'm numb. I'm shocked. I feel a bit blindsided. After all the bad news we've received these past few years, to my horrible IVF response, the last thing I expected was for my donor not to respond. Her tests were all fantastic and she has a child of her own. So it makes no sense. I have been so worried about my body once we transfer. I mean, it's always been me. Never once did this scenario cross my mind.
T is out of town, and what hurts was how shocked he was when I called him. He has always been the "it will all work out" mentality kind of guy. Lately, I think this constant string of bad news is starting to really effect that easy going, laid back attitude that I've always admired. Twice this summer, he took two photos on his phone that I went and looked at again because of how I felt/feel right now. Because to be honest...I'm really scared that this all means that someone/somewhere is telling us we aren't meant to be parents.
He took this one downtown Indy over lunch on June 19th...a few days after our failed IVF
He took this one on his camping trip on August 9...when we found out our pregnancy was ectopic.
Do I really believe the that a higher power or the universe is really giving us the middle finger?? No. At least, not really (okay, maybe today I feel like it a little). But it certainly does present a bit of irony.
Oh Suzanne! Boo! Boo, boo, BOO! I'm so sorry my friend! I can't believe she's not responding well! CCRM's process is so strict, I thought for sure her response was as close to a guarantee as possible! Really hopeful that you get some great news tomorrow!ReplyDelete
I am fully confident, however, that the Lord (nor the universe) is giving you the middle finger! Hang in there! Thinking of you always! Hugs!
:( Dangit. I'm so sorry Suzanne. I don't think this is a sign youtwo aren't meant to be parents. You deserve and are meant to be a mother. I am praying that Goose responds better for the rest of the cycle. Though delays are suffocating, I'm glad CCRM won't allow Goose to produce too few eggs for you, though! You deserve handful of beautiful eggs. :)ReplyDelete
Thank you...still trying my best to hold out SOME hope!Delete
First, when I saw both of those pictures, I saw a cross in the clouds - not a middle finger :) So... there's that. Think of it that way... that God is looking down on you (even though it might not feel like it). I'm so sorry to hear about Goose's first monitoring appointment. What the heck?! I wonder how many follicles CCRM wants to see for a donor? I'm praying, praying, praying that the next call you receive will be a fantastic one... maybe she's just a slow responder. xoxoxox Thinking of you!ReplyDelete
Oh Suz...so sorry about this! How disheartening! I don't understand why this would happen with her great test results and all of that. Ugh. Hoping that she's just responding a tiny bit slow and soon she'll have tons of follicles.ReplyDelete
Oh wow, I am so sorry to hear this... I can only imagine the emotions you are going through. I really don't think that someone above is telling you you aren't meant to be parents, but I can understand why it feels that way at times. I know you will be a Mom someday, and you will be a GREAT Mom!ReplyDelete
I will be praying that Goose responds better to the stims soon and she was just a slow starter. Sending you a huge hug my friend!! xo
I think that the one above the buildings looks to be pointing to heaven. However the bottom one is 100% an F-you cloud. lol.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry about the bad news, but hopefully the upped medication will turn things around! You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!
Glad you saw the humor and irony in the pic. While I'm not a big sign person (of this nature), I couldn't help think of these pics after yesterday's news!Delete
ugh, that stinks about your donor eggs... when will you know if they cancel her cycle? Friday? Praying for some good news for you...ReplyDelete
I wish I understood the reasons for all the crazy twists and turns on this crazy journey called Infertility. It's so completely unfair. I've got every appendage crossed, hoping that Friday will bring you better news and that additional stims will work. I don't doubt for a second that you and T will be parents. Hugs to you, my dear friend. XOXOReplyDelete
Thank you...for everything. xoDelete
You are wrong. You are most certainly supposed to be parents. Your kind and caring soul was born to be a mom, a caregiver, a nurturer. This will work. I know it. If not with goose then someone else. You deserve some good news. The universe has got to send you a break. CCRM is just trying to find you the best possible opportunity to grow your family. Biggest hugs. I know waiting is hard.ReplyDelete
Ok, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to laugh at the clouds, but I'm sorry...I just have to. I mean, sometimes all you can do is laugh! Seriously!? Oh, and I don't believe much in those signs anyway. I saw a license plate the day I found out I was pregnant before that said "GOT JOY" and I was like....oh clearly this is God telling me it will be ok! Ha!ReplyDelete
Anyhoo, about Goose... Is she a "proven donor" or first timer? I have heard of donor's even messing up their meds before, so who knows what the heck might've happened. The waiting for phonecalls, no matter whether it's a cycle with your own eggs or someone else's, is always the hardest part of this crazy roller coaster. I hope you get some answers soon!
It's absolutely appropriate to laugh at those clouds. Trust me, I do NOT believe in signs of this nature. Yesterday's news just happen to make me think of this and kinda have a WTF moment.Delete
She has her own children but has not donated before. So they consider her "proven". Should know if it's getting cancelled by end of day tomorrow. Going to be a long, long day of staring at my phone!!
I see. Well, try to have peace today knowing that if for any reason this cycle is cancelled, it's got to be for a reason that will benefit you in the end. If CCRM is adamant about cancelling this early, it's because they don't want to take any chances and want to make sure you have the perfect donor cycle. Better to cancel now than to pump her full of meds (which YOU are paying for) and then say, "OK she really is NOT responding optimally now"....further into it and then back to square one. I think it's a good thing they are not afraid to make big decisions this early on if that's what they decide to do. That's why they are in the driver's seat. Try to just trust them and trust that this is unfolding in a certain way for a reason. Thinking of you today. It will all work out!Delete
I was 100% those were crosses and was surprised you thought it was a middle finger... I hope you see the cross and tap in to God's love for you! I'm sorry to hear about goose, thinking about you!!!ReplyDelete
Thank you. :)Delete
Oh Suzanne, I'm sorry you got that news. But have faith maybe she is a slow responder an upping her meds will get her where she has to be. I will keep praying for you my friend. You deserve an will be a fabulous mother one day.ReplyDelete
Thank you. I'm hoping that's the case. The call should come in any minute and I've been a nervous wreck all day. This is when going to a clinic 2 hours behind is not very convenient!Delete
Oh crap! I'm sorry to hear the donor's response is not good right now. That is disheartening, and that is not what I want for you. Can't this just be easy now that you've taken the decision to go for DE? Apparently not.ReplyDelete
I'm really sorry, and I still hold so much hope for you.
Apparently not, indeed. It's the same thing my husband and I keep saying to each other. Waiting for CCRM to call now, could be any minute. What a nervous wreck I've been today!Delete
Suzanne. I've not been keeping up on blogs much either. Just trying to take of myself. I'm so sorry to hear about your donor. That would've blindsided me too. Aren't they supposed to be fertile myrtles? Thinking of you all the time and hoping the universe stops giving you the finger! Hugs.ReplyDelete
I've backed off on some threads as well, since it's so easy to get caught up and spend so much time on them. I'm glad you keep your blog updated since I am absolutely following you.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry about Goose. I hope things turn around soon, 'cause this is really turning into some sick joke. I just know this will all be worth it in the end and I'm praying for you guys. *hugs*
Stunning, Fantastic its looks so astounding. Much obliged to you for sharing this article and keep doing awesome.rug retailer in dubaiReplyDelete