I wish that maybe we hadn't waited until I was 34 to get married and start trying for a family
I wish that I had never had a D&C in August, especially since the pregnancy wasn't in my uterus.
I wish I had never gotten pregnant this summer. It's only caused more and more heartache and loss.
That's an awful thing to say, isn't it? But I feel like now that one time miracle, has taken away the chance of me ever carrying a child.
CCRM was great. As they were last time I was here, the doctor was very thorough with my hysteroscopy. The one in June was quick and fairly painless. The one today took longer and hurt quite a bit more. All I could think during, was I just wanted him to see everything he needed in order to figure all of this out, I would have gone through any amount of pain at that point.
The first problem was my cervix. It was basically sealed shut with scar tissue. So his belief is that the SIS my ObGYN did never made it into my uterus. He was able to finally break through and get his scope where he needed it.
The next problem was the scar tissue at the top of my uterus. It was NOT adhered shut as my ObGYN believed. This was the good news.
The last problem was my endometrial glands (basal layer) were damaged, most likely during my August D&C. These glands are basically what help make our lining nice and pink and cushy.
The plan is surgery. (I already knew this, right?) I head back out to Denver (okay, actually I haven't left yet, I'm sitting at the airport with a 3 hour delay--scratch that…it has taken me 3 days to finish this post) for surgery on January 10th. They will remove all the scar tissue and place a balloon in my uterus to keep it from collapsing. After a week, this will be removed and I will begin estrogen therapy for 2 months. After that, I will then do a mock cycle to again, attempt to grow my lining.
The tricky part is the glands. It's not something that can be fixed. We are just basically hoping with everything we've got that with the removal of the scar tissue, that the glands will start "working" again. If the first mock cycle doesn't work, we will do one more mock. If that doesn't work….
My only option will be a gestational carrier.
It was crystal clear how much my doctor did not want to tell me this news. He apologized over and over again. He showed me the hysteroscopy film from June, when everything looked great. It was a far cry from where it was today. I understand now, that he just didn't anticipate that much damage from August to now. I'm glad I pushed, but in the end, finding out a month ago wouldn't have changed the outcome. I wish I hadn't had to force his hand, but that's something that I have to put behind me and focus on making this work.
On to what made my trip to Denver extra special. Meeting Nicki for the first time was truly a gift. I can never repay her enough or even comprehend how happy it makes my heart that she would, on a moments notice, book a flight to sit with someone she had never met before at a doctors office. Okay, I'll admit it, we also sat at a wine bar talking, laughing and crying for hours. She's simply amazing and my life is better to have her in it. Thanks N, you are the BEST!
All of your comments recently really meant a lot to me. I've never felt so loved and supported in my life. To know how passionate some of you felt regarding my care really warmed my heart in a way I can't even describe. I may not have responded to each and every comment, but please know what every one meant to me.
Finally, I just want to tell all of my wonderful friends that are reading this blog that I truly wish you all have very Merry Christmas. Whether you're still struggling and waiting for your miracle, or you are dealing with a loss and trying to start again, or if you've finally after years of trying, finally had your dreams come true…I'm thinking of all of you this holiday season.