I wasn't sure what CCRM would decide to do when they received the results on Friday. I assumed they would cancel, let me get my period and start over…
When my nurse called, and what was nice was she wasn't rushing to tell me the results and get off the phone, she talked with me for a bit. She complimented on how patient I've been for so long.
Dr. G wants me to still do the Integrin Biopsy this cycle. So on Wednesday, I'll begin progesterone and on April 4th, I'll have my OBGYN do the biopsy so that I can send that off to see if I will need Lupron Depot for two months. Once CCRM has those results, I will then schedule a regroup with Dr. G to discuss my "two" options:
1) Use a gestational carrier
2) Go forward with an FET knowing my chances of pregnancy are low
T and I had a long talk on Friday night about these options and the options we thought we'd have. We assumed there would be another mock cycle. This cycle, while an improvement on lining thickness (somewhat) was still not successful for multiple reasons. The lining throughout the cycle was homogeneous and cystic. I would never do a transfer with a lining like this, thinness aside.
I have 6 embryos. While maybe that's plenty for some people…it doesn't feel like it to me. There's no going back for more for me. So I have a deep feeling and need to make sure all scenarios are right in order to go to transfer. They are all I have. Maybe there is a low chance that they could implant. But how do I risk that, knowing if it doesn't work, I have even less to offer a gestational carrier…and what if it takes a transfer or two to get that right? We would be out. Done. I also know they would require that we use the best…first. So would we really be willing to risk the best on me?
Not with a lining that looked like this.
I want to share my embryo grade again with all of you. I know some of you know based on IVF cycles and transfers in the past, what these grades mean, more than I do. These were all frozen on day 5:
2/3 (I really don't understand this one)
This is what I have. All I have. I know the 4AA is the best…but what's the difference in that and the 3AA? And the real question is….how do I turn one of them into my baby? Will I care once he or she is in my arms, how they got there? Will the need to carry a pregnancy follow me forever? What would you do with these embryo grades with the odds that I have stacked against you?
I'll rewind for a second. I emailed Dr. G on Friday night about an option 3. Another protocol. I cannot possibly go into an FET on the protocol I was just on. Can we do another mock? Another protocol during the FET without testing it first? I know we have our regroup coming up and I will be able to ask all of these questions, but in the mean time, between now and then, I needed to know that another option is…or isn't on the table. It is. he is willing to do the low-dose stim protocol (Letrozole/Gonal-F). We would also most likely be moving to Delestrogen as well, if we were to use estrogen again. The patches…the Estrace…I'm saying good bye. (well, in about 2 weeks when this cycle is over, I'll officially say goodbye)
So our three options (really only two, because I'm taking out an FET on my current protocol). I still don't know if the next cycle would be a mock, or a real cycle. I think I need to wait and see what the biopsy shows and whether or not I'll need to go on the Lupron Depot.
However, should we decide to go into an FET, I will be going into it very skeptical and ready to cancel in a heart beat. I am too nervous about transferring with little to no shot of it working. Because the reality is…I just want a baby. And if I need someone else to carry it for me…I need all the embryos I can, to make that happen. So yes, moving straight to a GC…has come up. Because the option in the back of my head is…what if we move forward with the GC, could have a baby(ies) in a year, then with the other embryos I had left, would be more comfortable transferring them into my broken uterus?
Am I ready to give up my genetic connection to my child and the ability to carry them? I'm all over the place. What would you do?