Dare I hope??

The past six months have been a whirl wind. Our transfer failing...beginning conversations with K. Meeting her. Then once we went to CCRM things REALLY flew by. That was only 2 months ago.

And here we are...just over 4 days away from our transfer. And not a transfer that I know the odds aren't good. Knowing that the chances of it not working are way better than the chances that it will. The odds are for once in four years...on OUR side. I'm still trying to process that.

K's final lining check was yesterday. It was 9.3mm and triple striped. I guess first I should fill you in on what happened after my post last week. Dr. G was concerned that her lining would get too thick. Who'd have ever thought that would be a problem I would face?! So they kept her on 1 patch, rather than the typical steady increase of patches. So she was on very low doses of estrogen along with her Lupron. Of course, then  I was worried that what if it didn't get thick enough now?? I mean there is always something to worry about, right??

Well, like I said, her lining was 9.3mm, her labs were good...and get this...she had 39 follicles!! Like, WHA???? So while "suppressing" her, she's still making the quantity of eggs that some of us only dream of. They were around 9mm in size. So at least we weren't at risk of them ovulating. Whew!! I emailed CCRM slightly concerned that this could potentially impact the transfer, but nope...there response was:

"Some people are just blessed with lots of eggs. :)"

Yes, indeed.

She has a progesterone check tomorrow, but all things are go for Tuesday!! I fly out to Denver on Sunday, I plan on spending the evening with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Then I'm picking Kelly up Monday from the airport and we'll spend the day getting pampered. Having lunch, pedicures and then dinner with Trevor when he arrives Monday evening.

Her transfer will be around noon-ish and K and I will be spending the next day and a half watching chick flicks and ordering take out. I'm pretty darn stoked.

Excited for this opportunity. Happy that we actually have a really good shot. And thrilled that K is in this with me. I couldn't ask for anything else...

Okay...maybe just one thing. :)

Thanks for all the sweet thoughts about my hip surgery. I'm doing great!! Bumbling around quite well actually!! 

Great News...Clouded with Doubt

I have really good news. News that I've been waiting on since last May when we decided to move forward with a gestational carrier and I was so lucky to have Kelly come in to our life.

We have a transfer date. And it's this year.

December 16th

That would put her beta on December 26th. If she tested early (which she already said she would) we would know by Christmas. I couldn't ask for anything that would mean more or make me happier than to find out that she's pregnant with our baby.

I want so badly to be jumping for joy right now.

She started BCPS on Sunday and starts Lupron next Wednesday. Our FET cycle has begun.

But...there is always a but...

She is having her repeat antibody screen drawn today. With these results, which we most likely won't have for another week...this whole cycle (actually it will go way beyond this cycle) will come crashing down.

My heart is terrified right now. I mean, this is EVERYTHING on the line with this one simple blood test.

So think of her today as she goes in for this test. Send prayers and good thoughts that this is just a tiny fluke and all continues to move along beautifully as it has thus far. Think of me as I try and keep my sanity for this next week.

Another Hiccup

One can only hope that this is all it is. Not sure my heart can handle it being anything other than another small bump in the road.

On Friday, at the very end of the day (typical of CCRM) I received an email with the final results of Kelly's blood work. I had thought this was all in, but apparently not. Or apparently they were waiting until I was really excited to throw us a curve ball. Either way, the email came in at 5:30 pm on a Friday and I had to wait until Monday to get any answers. Which in my opinion, is kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

Her antibody screen came back "inconclusive". Meaning, there were possible small amounts of antibody detected, but couldn't be identified. A few people have asked me what IS an antibody screening. Here's what the nurse said:

Antibody screening is a test to detect atypical antibodies in the blood that may have been formed as a result of a transfusion or pregnancy.  Patients who are attempting pregnancy have their blood typed and screened to diagnose and prevent hemolytic disease of the newborn (HDN), a type of anemia also known as erythroblastosis fetalis.  If antibodies are present, she cannot move forward as a GC due to the risk of complications with the baby.  There is no treatment.

So yes, my brain is spinning and my heart is on high alert. They want her to retest next week, which is exactly 4 weeks from her last test. The good news is, they are still allowing her to start birth control pills in preparation for transfer regardless. Dr. G thinks that "most likely" it was a reaction to some protein in her blood and will come back negative on the next evaluation.

She was last screened for this during her most recent (two) pregnancies. Both were negative.

Let us all hope this next test is negative as well.

This I know. I will fight for her. I don't know if this is something that all clinics are so black and white on when it comes to accepting a GC. It's not a test I remember ever having in all of my fertility screening. So why her? I get the risks, but is this not something that can be controlled? Watched? Is this something that CCRM is way more critical of vs. other clinics? I know that on somethings they can be.

If I have to move my embryos. I would do it. I hope it never comes to that. I hope that this is just me frantically worrying about the "worst case".

If any of you can shed more light, comfort or even concern on any of this...I am all ears. Please...give me something that can get me through the next week. (For anyone looking at it from the D (Rh) type aspect...she is Rh positive.)

xoxo
Suz (with bottle of wine in hand)

Comfy Cozy

I'll going to make this a short update and will write a longer post once I'm off of bed rest. Today was perfect. From getting up early and enjoying a nice breakfast with my awesome hubby, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. To walking around some cute shops, to acupuncture in my transfer room that completely relaxed me...

The transfer went beautifully. At least that's whet Dr. G said. Just need my lining to hold up! I'm back at my home away from home with my feet up, movies, books and PF Changs. What more could a girl want??

Other than holding this preciousness in about 9 months...

Hopefully this little guy/girl is as comfy cozy as I am right now!! 

Ups and Downs of Transfer Week

Well I've been on a crazy roller coaster this week.

First, on Friday, I found out that I had mixed up the meds I was supposed to take last week. Well, CCRM messed up too, to be clear. They told me over the phone to start Dexamethosone last Monday, well I didn't write it down and by the time I got home and looked at my meds that I had, the only one that started with a "D" was Doxycycline. So that's what I took. I take partial responsibility for sure, but when I looked at my pharmacy order later when the mistake was realized, it was never on there. So I'm going 50/50 on this one with them. So basically I ended my antibiotic 4 days earlier than I should have. They said it was fine, but still, you never want anything to be off on these cycles.

I was told over the phone on Friday (and emailed with instructions) to come in again on Monday morning for an ultrasound to check the fluid again and blood work. I made my appointment, and set off to enjoy my weekend.

Sunday morning I got a call from CCRM's lab asking where I was and if I was planning on coming in for my post-trigger blood work. "Excuse me?" I explained what I had been told and she said she'd check with a nurse on call and they both said Monday was sufficient. Fine. Dandy. Then I get another call from someone else at the lab asking the same thing. Now I'm freaking out. I left a message with the nurses and again, they still said we'll just see you tomorrow.

Okay, so little tidbit of info...I'm a little OCD. So all of this chaos…does not sit well with me.

Monday morning, I show up for my ultrasound and there is a LOT more fluid than there had been on Friday. Not only that, but they were measuring a 2mm lining!! My heart literally fell to the floor. I thought for sure they would cancel. They took us to a room, a nurse said that they would send off all the info and I'd hear from my regular nurse on Tuesday. I had labs done and left.

A bit later, they called with the progesterone results. It was 37. They wanted it higher than 5. So finally, something they were really pleased with. About an hour later, the nurse called again to say she decided to go ahead and page Dr. G about the fluid. He wanted me to come in on Tuesday for another ultrasound and to have the fluid aspirated by him. Gah.

So Tuesday…after not sleeping at all because not only do I have no lining, but my uterus is filled with fluid, I'm pretty much banking on this cycle being scrapped. We went to CCRM, started the ultrasound and were shocked. Like jaw on the floor shocked.

No fluid. Not. One. Drop. Lining was 6mm and there was a triple stripe. The ultrasound tech asked me if I was a different person. She kept asking if I had had a procedure to drain the fluid the day prior? Nope. And…nope. She then went and got another ultrasound tech to come in and confirm what she was seeing. All in all, it was probably the longest ultrasound I've ever had.

They tracked Dr. G down and he said, perfect, she's free to go, we'll see her Friday.

I know that I have many, many of you that are sending prayers, good thoughts, vibes and all kinds of other goodness my way, and I cannot thank you enough. It makes my heart swell to know how many people care about us. My brother-in-law and his wife live in Denver and took us to their church on Sunday night. It was very touching how we were prayed over by everyone there. Whatever the reason for the turn around, I can just say that I feel all the love and support around me. It it means everything.

I still have a thin lining. Nothing is changing that, but things at least look way better than they have in a long time. This still has a better chance of not working…but I actually have hope that maybe this time, I can be on the other side of the odds…the side that dreams do actually come true.

Think of me Friday...this is it! 

Love to you all...

*Several comments have questioned the earlier ultrasound. Just as a reminder I have had fluid in every ultrasound the past 6 months, including the previous 3 ultrasounds this cycle. 

Transfer day is SET!

We made it to Denver! It was pretty questionable with the storms that swept through the area on Thursday afternoon, but we managed to be one of the only flights that made it in without a delay.

Our appointment at CCRM was early yesterday morning and can I just say how awesome it was to be at MY clinic. T usually doesn't go to my monitoring appointments in Indianapolis, so I think he enjoyed being able to actually see what it is that they are looking for (and what I'm talking about) every time I say "thin lining", "fluid", etc. They also measured the blood flow in my uterus, and it looked fairly good. The left side could use a tad more flow, but we're working on that with the electroacupuncture. 

So my lining…that's really what we all want to talk about, right?? 

6.8mm!! 

Now I know…the majority of you ladies would probably be pretty upset over such a thin lining. But for me, 6.8mm is almost a 7mm. Dr. G even rounded up and called it a 7 later in the day. This is a major, major improvement for me. 

T and I spent the rest of the morning working at a cute little coffee shop cafe in downtown Denver. I went to my acupuncture appointment and I really liked her. I had never had electroacupuncture so I really was unsure what it would be like. I liked it so much, I went back again today. 

My nurse called me later in the afternoon with the news. 

My transfer is scheduled for next Friday, May 30th. 

I had initially thought they would want to keep me on the stims to try and continue to thicken it. However, Dr. G does not think my lining will get much thicker. I think his worry is that if we try to get to greedy with my lining, it will start to go backwards. 

So tonight I trigger with HCG and tomorrow I start progesterone. I have another ultrasound on Monday. 

So where am I at with all this? 

I'm happy. I mean, I honestly didn't think I'd make it to an actual transfer. It's been over 2 years of fertility treatments and I've never once had a transfer. It's even been a year and a half since my last IUI. This is my first ART attempt since 2012!! Doesn't that seem crazy? 

My nurse said that she's seen people get pregnant with a 7mm lining. I know my chances aren't as good as someone with a nice cushy, thick lining, but this is our shot. Finally. And I'll take it. 

So for the next week we plan on enjoying all the awesomeness that Colorado has to offer. We're spending time with our family and friends. Some of which are so incredibly amazing that have welcomed us into their home for TEN days. I could never, ever thank them enough for being so kind. 

So FRIDAY!!! YAY! (It's muted excitement…but excitement nonetheless) We're transferring our 4AA embryo. 

Here goes, you know, everything.

Mock Cycle Verdict

I wasn't sure what CCRM would decide to do when they received the results on Friday. I assumed they would cancel, let me get my period and start over…

When my nurse called, and what was nice was she wasn't rushing to tell me the results and get off the phone, she talked with me for a bit. She complimented on how patient I've been for so long.

Dr. G wants me to still do the Integrin Biopsy this cycle. So on Wednesday, I'll begin progesterone and on April 4th, I'll have my OBGYN do the biopsy so that I can send that off to see if I will need Lupron Depot for two months. Once CCRM has those results, I will then schedule a regroup with Dr. G to discuss my "two" options:

1) Use a gestational carrier

2) Go forward with an FET knowing my chances of pregnancy are low

T and I had a long talk on Friday night about these options and the options we thought we'd have. We assumed there would be another mock cycle. This cycle, while an improvement on lining thickness (somewhat) was still not successful for multiple reasons. The lining throughout the cycle was homogeneous and cystic. I would never do a transfer with a lining like this, thinness aside.

I have 6 embryos. While maybe that's plenty for some people…it doesn't feel like it to me. There's no going back for more for me. So I have a deep feeling and need to make sure all scenarios are right in order to go to transfer. They are all I have. Maybe there is a low chance that they could implant. But how do I risk that, knowing if it doesn't work, I have even less to offer a gestational carrier…and what if it takes a transfer or two to get that right? We would be out. Done. I also know they would require that we use the best…first. So would we really be willing to risk the best on me?

Not with a lining that looked like this.

I want to share my embryo grade again with all of you. I know some of you know based on IVF cycles and transfers in the past, what these grades mean, more than I do. These were all frozen on day 5:

4AA
3AA
4AB
3BA
3BA
2/3 (I really don't understand this one)

This is what I have. All I have. I know the 4AA is the best…but what's the difference in that and the 3AA? And the real question is….how do I turn one of them into my baby? Will I care once he or she is in my arms, how they got there? Will the need to carry a pregnancy follow me forever? What would you do with these embryo grades with the odds that I have stacked against you?

I'll rewind for a second. I emailed Dr. G on Friday night about an option 3. Another protocol. I cannot possibly go into an FET on the protocol I was just on. Can we do another mock? Another protocol during the FET without testing it first? I know we have our regroup coming up and I will be able to ask all of these questions, but in the mean time, between now and then, I needed to know that another option is…or isn't on the table. It is. he is willing to do the low-dose stim protocol (Letrozole/Gonal-F). We would also most likely be moving to Delestrogen as well, if we were to use estrogen again. The patches…the Estrace…I'm saying good bye. (well, in about 2 weeks when this cycle is over, I'll officially say goodbye)

So our three options (really only two, because I'm taking out an FET on my current protocol). I still don't know if the next cycle would be a mock, or a real cycle. I think I need to wait and see what the biopsy shows and whether or not I'll need to go on the Lupron Depot.

However, should we decide to go into an FET, I will be going into it very skeptical and ready to cancel in a heart beat. I am too nervous about transferring with little to no shot of it working. Because the reality is…I just want a baby. And if I need someone else to carry it for me…I need all the embryos I can, to make that happen. So yes, moving straight to a GC…has come up. Because the option in the back of my head is…what if we move forward with the GC, could have a baby(ies) in a year, then with the other embryos I had left, would be more comfortable transferring them into my broken uterus?

Am I ready to give up my genetic connection to my child and the ability to carry them? I'm all over the place. What would you do?