Hmmm...blog much?

Certainly doesn't seem that way anymore, does it? Well, time to change that. Time to jump back in the game. You know why? Because I miss it. I miss the interaction. I miss the love, the support and the community.

And...because I feel like now that my littles are 4 years old, maybe I can start to refocus on things that I used to be able to enjoy when free time was a thing. Not that free time is really a thing still, but I feel like I'm in a place where I can finally MAKE time. So...here I am.

Lets start with an update on my trio.

Casey: Where do I start with this guy. He's all energy, all boy and all snuggles wrapped up in this amazing tiny human body. If I tell him no, he very dramatically pouts, but the second I start to move away from him he melts into a giant mama's boy puddle. He'd give up pretty much every toy he has if it means he can still come in my room at night. No bribe is working on that kid. He cuddles and likes to play with my ear while he sleeps which is bizarre, but whatever comforts you little man. He plays hard and loves even harder. It's what I love most about him.

Britton: Oh my sweet, little slightly high strung, big brown eyed boy. I'll admit, he loves his mama, but this one is a daddy's boy. Though the second I "pretend pout" he's all about giving his mama some hugs. He loves a mix of everything. His favorite color is rainbow. He loves music...from Andy Graham to George Strait to the Beatles. He's by far our best eater of the group. He's also so polite it literally makes my heart burst. Oh. And he toots literally all day every day. I don't even know how it's possible to toot THAT much.

Liddy Rose: This girl is ALL girl. Her favorite color is pink. She loves all things Disney princesses, unicorns and rainbows. She's literally the best hugger on the planet and has the sweetest little voice I've ever heard. She rarely gets in trouble and when she does it breaks her heart. Like shatters it. So, she just doesn't. She nursed for 3 years and even though I finally weaned her, it wasn't by her choice and she would still be doing so if I let her. She's a mama's girl through and through. I hope it lasts for ever. Though I know her independent, opinionated mind will definitely give me a run for my money come those pre-teen years. She loves to go to the theater, we've seen Frozen 2 three times, and Little Women. Her favorite princess is Sleeping Beauty. She also has such a beautiful connection with my mother's spirit. I can't even describe it any other way.

These three keep me on my toes, they keep me busy and they keep me laughing. People ask me all the time, how do I do it? How do I not? I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I was born to be their mom. And the journey that got me there is still not lost on me. I think about it every day. I think about how lucky and blessed we are because of them. I also think about the women that still struggle. .All the time. Women still reach out to me for support and guidance and I love that. It makes me feel needed. Like I have something to offer. I want to figure out a way to help. Make a mark in this infertility world. It's time I figure out how to do that.

I'll wrap this post with a few visual updates of our crew from 2019!

Major Update

As I posted back in 2017, we made the decision to donate our remaining 3 embryos that were still frozen at our clinic in Colorado. We went through so much, and trust me, that's a pretty mild statement, and couldn't imagine destroying them or "donating them to research". We wanted them to have a chance at life. Problem is, we were and are done having children. Having three amazing kids all 3 years old, is amazing, hard, filled with joy and also challenges. We are at peace and completely in love with our family of five.

Our family is what it is because of some very special people. Our egg donor. Our amazing, surrogate, Kelly. Doctors and nurses, literally across the country. So how could we not pay some of that forward? It honestly, wasn't a difficult decision for us. In the fall of 2017, we officially donated our embryos to our clinic in hopes that someone else that was dreaming as hard as we did for their own miracle, could potentially have that opportunity, because of us.

This is completely anonymous. Apparently, we will never know anything about the family or children that come from these embryos. Even though they will be 100% biological siblings to our boys and biological children to my husband, we knew that in our heart, this was still absolutely what we wanted and needed to do.

Luckily, our clinic does allow us to find out if the embryos are adopted, and if they are successful. Last week, I got that answer.

While one remains on ice and is awaiting adoption. Two were transferred to a patient, and they both stuck. And even more amazing...one split. This person or couple, now has triplets. Just like our miracles turned into three. So has theirs.

People have asked how we feel about this. We feel joy. Pure joy. And maybe a little bit of compassion for these parents that are about to have their world rocked by three at once! Because let me tell you, we know, it's going to be amazing chaos. And exhausting chaos. In the best possible way. We have our children. We are blessed by three of the sweetest, most hilarious little humans we could ever wish for. They are ours. And together, we are perfect, just the way we are.

I hope those triplets have a full and happy life. I'm guessing their parents will, that's for sure, albeit they are going to be really tired for the foreseeable future.

Oh, and we did snicker at the thought "what if we'd have transferred the one that split"? Geez. Never mind, on second thought lets not think of that.

Instead, lets focus on what's right here, right now, in my heart and in my arms. And all mine.

My new reality into perimenopause

I literally cannot believe it's been over a year since my last post. Life has been, well, a blur.  A busy, chaotic, blur. And it's been amazing. I'm forever grateful for my three miracles.

I do have an update that relates back to all my infertility though, and for the sake of keeping all my information up to date and accurate to help anyone else out there searching, I'm going to lay it all out here.

My little miracle pregnancy that happened while my gestational carrier was half way through her pregnancy with my egg donor babies, happened in April, 2015. I gave birth at the very end of 2015. Since then, I fed my daughter until her 3rd birthday. I had no periods until I stopped breastfeeding her. I thought that was because of breastfeeding. And I think mostly, it was.

At my annual this year, I had a few complaints. Bloating, feeling down, hot flashes, difficulty sleeping, etc. I receive an ultrasound yearly to do a little looksie at my uterus and ovaries due to my increased risk of ovarian cancer. What they found was my lining looked very thick. Odd, since that was the opposite of my infertility days. They scheduled a d&c to take a look and to remove any thick tissue that could become cancerous. What they found, was that it was the opposite of thick. It was actually scar tissue from top to bottom. So basically, my uterus looks as bad if not worse than it always had. My doctor told me if he had seen my uterus before my pregnancy, he too, would have suggested the use of a gestational carrier.

He also ran a few tests. We tested my FSH. Just to go back a few years it was always between 10 and 18 between 2013-2015. It's now 51. Which confirms that I am in perimenopause. I mean, I'm 41. So it's on the young side, but with my diminished ovarian reserve. This is what we expected, no?

What this did tell me. Was to be grateful. Truly, from deep in my soul, grateful for my miracles. All of them. But especially of Liddy. Because she did come to me from my crappy eggs. And my equally crappy uterus managed to carry her practically full-term (only 3 days shy). In he end, my body did what I dreamed it would. And I'm at peace that this old body of mine, at least from the reproductive point of view, is hanging up it's hat for good.

Because. Miracles. Happened.

Our end is here

Maybe not the right title. Then again, maybe it is.

I blogged awhile back about our hope to donate our embryos. While I would have loved to potentially have an open relationship with whoever adopted them, the time and energy to move them, and find someone, was just more than I can do with how much we have going on in our life. At the end of the day, I'm thrilled that they won't be destroyed, but are continued to be looked after by the best lab in the country and are currently on a list for hopeful would-be-parents that are at the end of their infertility journey and this is their only remaining option. While I definitely had a good cry over this, it was right for us. They have a chance of life. And that gives me peace.

I know donating embryos that we worked so hard for is very difficult for some people to imagine. But remember, our family is here because of not one, but two incredibly amazing people that donated themselves or pieces of themselves to make us parents. Third party reproduction is how we came to be a family of 5. So if I can give my remaining three embryos a chance at life, and help other couples the same way I was helped, how is that not a win-win for me in a really amazing way? Dr. G at CCRM also said that while the program is anonymous, he is also willing to inform me when they are adopted and let me know if there is a successful pregnancy. Again, this makes me happy. Just knowing.

I also, obviously don't blog like I used to. I don't text and email with friends the way I used to either. Life is chaos. Crazy, amazing, busy, and exhausting, but wonderful chaos. So something has to give. I have to be present in the moment with my three babes, because unlike the folks that spread their children out by, you know, a year or so, I have to do it right the first time, have no regrets. No do overs.

So I miss talking to all of you. I miss the updates, I miss the comments, and just the relationships I shared from this journey. I think of all of you so often, and I'm thankful that I still get to follow along with a lot of you on social media. I will not close this blog. I've had too many people find it helpful. A lot of my issues were rare and didn't have a lot of information out there. It makes me happy to be a resource to others. And I still welcome the emails that occasionally come to me from women that are in search of answers in DOR or Asherman's Syndrome, Donor Eggs and Surrogacy.

From time to time, I will try to post updates about our little family. I'm proud of them. So I enjoy sharing how we're doing. I also have topics from time to time that I may post about. It just may not be often. (i.e. extended breastfeeding and sleep consults are kind of in the works right now, so may make a good future post.)

two

I never thought anyone would make my heart flutter the way my husband does.

And then I met my sons. Their giggles, laughs, kisses and even there general every day shenanigans
simply light up my world.

The past two years have been a blur. I still can't believe that they are mine. That for the rest of my life, I get to see who and what they will become. I'm honored to be there mom.

And I'm thankful for the women that gave them to me. Goose, our egg donor and of course, Kelly, who carried them when I couldn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of these women and say a simple prayer of gratitude for the amazing gift they have given me.

Britton is our shy, sweet, meticulous little problem solver. He's 28 pounds of love. Casey is the 29 pound instigator of all things trouble. And has the laugh and smile to go with it, to make it absolutely impossible to be stern.

These boys are my world. And on Saturday, they turn two.

Happy Birthday Britton & Casey! 

My Breastfeeding Journey

When I was trying so hard to become pregnant for all those years, I never really gave a ton of thought to breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to try it. But I really didn't set a lot of expectations. One way or another.

Then Liddy arrived and it just "took". There was no painful latches, cracked or bleeding nipples. It just worked. When she was a month old, I developed a yeast infection nipples which, wasn't a ton of fun, but we treated it, and moved on. I made it to 6 weeks, then 3 months, then 6 months of exclusively breastfeeding. Quite frankly, I was amazed at myself.

So we kept going. I decided, might as well shoot for a year. A year came, and a year went. And the breastfeeding continued. She's never slept through the night. She doesn't even sleep in her crib. She doesn't soothe herself to sleep, and usually has to be nursed to sleep at night. And you know what? I'm okay with all of that. She is healthy and happy. I love seeing her sweet, sleeping face lying between us at night. There's a day where she won't sleep with us and I know I'll miss it. So for now, it's our normal. It's not for everyone, but it works for us.

So many people have said their babes kinda just weaned themselves around year one. Liddy is pretty adamant about her mama and her mama's "babas". Well, lets be honest, we kinda go together, so not sure which she's really more into. But here we are, knocking on the door of 18 months old and I don't see any signs of her being ready to wean.

I've had in my mind that we'd be done sometime in her second year. I've never imagined that I would be a mom, nursing a toddler. But here I am. But I guess I'm just letting her take the lead on this one. I asked her last night, what she would say if I said "no more babas"? She burst into tears. Point taken, Liddy.

This is all new and different for me. I don't have friends that nursed this long and while no one has said anything to me (friends or family) in a negative way, I know they are somewhat surprised that it's still going.

My breasts went from a 32D to a 32G by week 12 of my pregnancy and they have pretty much stuck there. So, trust me, if she were done, I wouldn't argue. I'll probably be knocking on the door of a plastic surgeon begging for a reduction when it's all over with.

She's the only baby I will ever carry. The only baby I'll ever get to breastfeed. Shouldn't I just try and have as few of regrets as possible during this most precious time in her life?

My littles are quickly approaching 18 months and 2 years old. I know I don't blog often anymore. With three toddlers, the time is just not there anymore. But, I do hope for updates over the next few months, so stay tuned! 

She's ONE. (yes, I realize this post is almost TWO months late)

I'm long overdue on this post. It's shameful really. I never even did a ONE year post for Liddy. Actually, that's a lie. I started one like twice, but never finished and never posted it. But, the struggle is REAL to actually do anything other than keep three tiny humans alive. And I'm managing that, so we'll call it a win.

My little Liddy Rose. They don't get much sweeter, much happier, and more of a delight than this little one. Our world maybe filled with chaos and very little sleep, but wow, I wouldn't want it any other way, because my world would not be the same without her. Our trio was simply meant to be ours.

Here's what's new with her:

She weighs 19 1/2 pounds and is in the 50th percentile. She started walking around 11 months, and since she's been watching her brothers for so long, once she started, she was really good at it! She currently has 3 teeth, with 2 more about to pop through. She was definitely on the later end on getting teeth, but so was I apparently. Her feet are tiny, well, she's pretty little in general, so I guess that makes sense. She still wears a lot of 6-12 months. Most 12-18 month brands are huge on her. She's just now fitting into some size 3 shoes. Interesting considering how long she's been walking and how hard it is to find shoes with soles smaller than a 4. She says moo, mama, dada and (kinda) tickle. It comes out "ticka ticka ticka" whilst proceeding to tickle us or her brothers. Oh, and she roars. She LOVES books. Probably more than the boys do. At least, she has more patience to sit and finish a book. She still naps 2x a day and sleeps sorta, at night. Mostly in our bed and she nurses 3-4 times per night. Usually for comfort. It's what works for us, so I go with it. She's a happy, healthy baby. She eats fairly well. Maybe not quite like her brothers do, but I can't complain.

I had a lot of emotions going into her 1st birthday. This little girl still astounds me every single day and I struggle to really believe that she's mine. I have from the very beginning. I don't know how or why I was blessed with such an amazing miracle, but from the bottom of my heart I am grateful, every single second of every day.

Here are a few snaps from her "Winter ONEderland" birthday party.

My dearest baby girl. You are so so loved. 

Thankful.

I think back over the years of Thanksgivings where I put on a smile, but my heartache never allowed me to fully be "thankful". Of course, I was thankful for Trevor, my family, my friends...but so much was missing. My mom...this was her favorite holiday and she died just one week prior. I also had our first miscarriage on the anniversary of her death. The memory of what we went through that Thanksgiving with two separate D&C's in the same week, is still very vivid.

Last year, our Thanksgiving was amazing. It was just the four of us, with Liddy's arrival just weeks away. And yes, I was thankful beyond measure and so hopeful for our family of five. This year, my heart literally burst with pride and joy. I will always miss my mom on Thanksgiving. But I also try and remember her by carrying on little traditions that were so dear to her heart.

I continue to be grateful for all who made it possible for the blessings we've received. Our egg donor Goose. And especially, my sweet, sweet forever friend and extension of our family, Kelly, her husband and children for carrying our boys. I still hope that one day soon we can do for someone else what they have done for us.

Our Thanksgiving was not without chaos. What day isn't in our household? We had one sick little one. Luckily, it was a 24 hour bug and Casey was back to his old self by Friday.

We're less than 2 weeks away from Liddy's 1st birthday and I have so many emotions right now. Knowing all my babies will be a year and won't be babies anymore. It definitely is tugging at my heart. I'm exited for their next stages, but sad to say goodbye to what's been an amazing year of firsts for us.

A quick update, Liddy AND Britton are walking. Luckily Britton walked a few weeks before her, so he won't have to live with his baby sister walking first for the rest of his life! It was awfully close though. Casey is running. They are all so happy and have such unique personalities.

So yes, I'm thankful. And blessed. And love every crazy, chaotic, insane, and beautiful moment.

Britton

Casey

Liddy

Little Liddy

My little girl is 10 months old. Well, technically a little over that now. But I'm not exactly on the ball these days. Is there any wonder? Cause if there is, there shouldn't be.

Liddy lights up my world. It breaks my heart just a little to know my baby is just a few short months away from being one. And then...my babies won't be babies anymore.

Things to know about Liddy:

She loves her brothers. Most of the time. Except when:

1) They take her toys
2) They knock her down
3) They hog "mama time" (this is a biggie)

She's happy most of the time. Except when:

1) Mama isn't holding her
2) She can't see Mama
3) Mama's boob isn't out

She sleeps. Well, rarely.

She naps at most an hour, two times a day if we're lucky. She nurses till 8:30(ish) and goes down in her crib. Sometime between 10pm and 1pm, she wakes up and nurses again. Goes back to her crib. Wakes up again around 4:45am. Nurses again. Between 5:15 and 5:45, she's wide awake.

So. Mama is exhausted. Daddy is exhausted. We're going on over 15 months of not sleeping through the night. And it's catching up to us. We're cranky, irritable and just generally not much fun right now. And while many have suggestion for us to let her cry it out. Her tendency to make herself vomit within 5-10 minutes of that and the fact that I know, she's crying for ME, and I refuse to diminish in even the slightest way, that beautiful demeanor she has, we've decided that's not for us. So, we continue on. In hopes that in the coming months, she'll begin to wean herself from a feeding or two.

Eating. She kinda eats. More likes sucks on her food and then spits it out. She likes pouches that she can hold and suck on. She's still obsessed with oatmeal baby cereal. Probably because it's laced with breastmilk, but if I want to get food in her belly, I know that's the sure-fire way to do it. Oh, and those little freeze dried yogurt snacks. Her eyes literally light up when I hold up the bag.

She weighs 18 1/2 pounds. (ish) She wears size 3 diapers and size 6-12 month clothes or 9 months, depending on the brand I guess. The 12 month clothes still swallow her. She also wears a size 2 shoe. So apparently she got my little feet.

She loves to push things. Anything. Toys, laundry baskets, diaper pails. You name it. She'll push it. She gets that from Casey. She loves her mama. Her whole world lights up when I walk in the room. And yes, my heart melts into a giant puddle. She likes to play quietly and independently. I love it when she does this. She can be very meticulous with whatever she's playing with. It's so sweet. She likes to drum on her brothers heads. She's standing for 10-20 seconds. Has been doing this for several weeks now, so I know it's only a matter of time before she walks. Heaven help us.

Breastfeeding is still going well. I still pump 2-3 times at work 3 days a week and nurse her the other 4 days and at night. For someone that never thought I'd enjoy breastfeeding, I never want to stop. I can't even think about stopping. So I won't. Moving on.

We recently did one year photos for all three. I thought it made most sense to split the difference between their birthdays. Not to mention October is the perfect time of year. I'll post them in the next few weeks when we get them back. I will say, getting images of 3 babies, happy AND still, is well, challenging. Hopefully there are a few that are good!

I'm busy planning her 1st birthday and I can't wait. It's going to be perfect! Will definitely be sharing all the details on her as the time comes.

The boys just turned 15 months, so I'll have another update in the next week! Stay tuned!!

Here are some recent Liddy 10 month photos!!

 

time flies

It's hard to believe that a little over a year ago, I was childless after so many years, so many treatments, so many bumps (well more like giant boulders) in the road. Today, I sit in a very different place. One that I never imagined. Ever. Even when I hoped that something, anything would work. Never did I believe or even think that I'd be in this moment, with three amazing children that are ours.

It's something I've been reflecting on a lot recently. Maybe it's missing my mom, her 60th birthday was just last week. Maybe it's seeing that my babies, aren't exactly babies anymore. Maybe it's just finally having a moment to look back and see what all transpired this past year.

Honestly, there are so many days that I almost forget that we shed blood, sweat and tears for these little miracles. There here, and we're living this chaotic and awesome life together as a family. But I'm reminded by little things here and there. And I'm glad that those reminders are here. It reminds me to cherish every moment. To be grateful for every day I'm given. To love these three by be present in their lives as much as I possibly can.

Speaking of kiddos. They are AMAZING!

Britton and Casey are 14 months old, Casey has been walking for over a month and Britton, well, isn't. But hey, he's my sweet old soul that likes to do things at his own pace. March to your own beat, B. I love you for it. Their wellness exam is end of October, but all I know...is Casey weighs way more than Britton! He was 25 pounds 6 ounces a few weeks ago. Britton, I'm pretty sure is around 22-23. Gulp.

Liddy is 9 months and is cruising like crazy. At this rate, I'm not sure who's going to walk first, her or Britton.  At her recent wellness visit she was 18 pounds 7 ounces and 27 1/2 inches long. She was in the 50th percentile for height and weight. Her head on the other hand, was in the 95th!

They make my world go round. And every day, I just remain thankful for all the people that went into making my family a reality. Goose (our egg donor), Kelly, CCRM, Midwest Fertility...my friends and family and most especially T. What would I do without these little monkeys!?