My poor little bum

Got a whopping shot of methotrexate this morning and it HURT! My rear end is still throbbing 12 hours later. Unfortunately, I'm sitting on it for the next four hours on my flight to Los Angeles.

My doctor called me over the weekend to discuss the jump in my hCG levels. I also found out that my pathology report showed no pregnancy in my uterus. We could have continued to check my hCG levels for another week, but at this point, I'd rather get this over with. So it's done. Might I mention how difficult it was to swallow a birth control pill knowing it had nothing to do with prepping for IVF and strictly to prevent pregnancy. Sad. Moment.

I emailed CCRM this morning to let them know what's going on. I've kind of held back on a lot of this until I knew for sure. I was really worried with their strict standards what methotrexate would mean.

Seems I was right to be worried. While most RE's (and my obgyn) say three months of no TTC, CCRM says SIX! My heart hit the floor. That's February. Which means the soonest I could even possibly be holding a baby is November, 2014.

There is a chance (like probably a snowballs chance you know where) that it could be sooner, my RE at CCRM is out till Wednesday. Six months is what the nurse thinks the wait is...but I'm guessing she pretty much knows. She did say that we can do the mock transfer and biopsy during the waiting period so I guess at least come February, we can officially move right into my transfer cycle.

But still...big freaking bummer.

Of course, my silver lining in all of this and the one thing that is keeping me sane and hanging in there, is my donor's fresh cycle is still full steam ahead. I was told they expect her to start birth control pills around 8/29 and a potential egg retrieval around 10/6.

At least I'll can hopefully know that I have some cute little frozen embies sitting on ice biding their time for my body to be ready for a little cozy time.

This week I plan on enjoying the southern California weather, the great restaurants and a little me time when I'm not working.

I go back Saturday for a recheck of my hCG...hopefully this finally gets things moving in the right direction.

It was ALMOST a really good day

This is the news I mentioned last week that I was hoping to be able to share.

We have a donor. We knew last week that she would be posted yesterday on CCRM's database and that she was a good match for me. I just had to select her before anyone else did.

What we knew going in...she has blonde hair, hazel eyes and similar facial structure as me. She's a bit taller than me at 5'7"...I'm 5'5", but she's thin, so all in all, a little height advantage never hurt anyone. Especially considering T doesn't bring a lot to the table there either! I have blue eyes, but T has hazel, so again. That's okay.

She's married and has a child and admitted that her initial motivation for donating her eggs was financial, however, she's learned so much about the struggles that women have gone through to have a child in all of her screening processes, that she feels it's a real joy to be able to help someone else be able to experience being parents. I can respect that.

When we clicked the "accept" button we had to wait for a confirmation email from my CCRM nurse. I was refreshing my email every few minutes for over an hour...BRUTAL!

Finally, the email came in...and we got her. I've already gotten a call from the pharmacy to pay for her birth control pills, so it's starting!!

Now...back to me and my mound of issues. My hCG today was 179. That's right, it's up from last week. So most likely, this pregnancy is somewhere it shouldn't be and I'm going to be getting a big old shot of methotrexate next week.

What does this mean for my donor starting her cycle? Nothing. CCRM is doing a freeze all. So we're fertilizing her eggs and T's sperm as soon as she's put into calendar which will be over the next several weeks and then we'll freeze everything until my body is ready. Who the heck knows when that's going to be.

So...good news...mostly. I feel relieved. I feel excited. And I feel sad.

I'm so happy that this may bring us our baby...our family. But...it's also saying good bye to a child that has little pieces of me in their appearance. All I can hope is by carrying this child and loving this child, little pieces of me, will make up the person they become.

Treat it like gold

This post is going to be a bit happier, or at least a lot less mopey. I had a bit of a low point last week because all of this just hit me. It has seemed that even when the crap stuff hits us, it seems to just get worse and worse. I was struggling with that last week. Kind of a WTF kinda week, ya know?! Many of you were spot on with your comments and they were extremely encouraging, so thank you.

I'll start with Friday night. Like I said last week, I've been very withdrawn around my friends. Even friends with no kids, because I've felt this feeling of shame because a lot of them knew of our issues. It's silly, I know. So we decided that it was past time that we had a night out. We met up with some very good friends of ours and went out for dinner, then listen to a bit of live music and even ended the evening at a karaoke bar. NO, I did not sing. I was DD, but still enjoyed a cocktail or two earlier in the evening. We had a great time and while, yes, as I always fear, I was asked about our treatments and how things were going...but she was very sweet.  Here's a funny pic of T & I sharing a drink.

Saturday we spent the day cleaning (okay, that part is less fun), went out for lunch and then grilled steaks and watched a movie. Perfect night.

Sunday, we FINALLY got out to play a little golf. This was the first time all year, sad considering the great weather we've had this summer. But with the IVF and then pregnancy/miscarriage, my body hasn't really been up for it. We took it easy and only played nine. I will admit, I'm a little rusty since last summer. Hopefully in the next couple months we can get out and enjoy a little course action a few more times.

So I'll go ahead and admit that T and I are big fans of margaritas. Our blender is on the outs. Well, done is probably a better word. We still had a large credit at Crate & Barrel from our wedding over 2 years ago, so we splurged on an appliance we've talked about wanting for quite awhile. 

This thing is a beast. Incredibly stoked about this new toy and we christened it with fresh raspberry margaritas on Sunday night. I also made potato soup in it last night in preparation for my lazy couch day after the D&C. 

The D&C was crazy early this morning. We had to be there at 5:30 am!! (so please excuse the sleepy eyes)

Everything went well. There was a small amount of tissue that was removed and I am hoping and praying and well, begging that was the extent. We should have the pathology report by the end of the week. We were at the Women's Hospital and they were so kind there. T took this picture and I thought it was beautiful. I hope it's a sign to have just a little more faith...and we will get there.

If not, we will probably have to consider the methotrextate which probably will result in a slew of expletives, feet stomping and screaming because I was told that we would most likely even have to put off the mock cycle and endometrium biopsy for a full 3 months if we go that route. That would mean any kind of donor transfer could be close to 6 months away. This. Would. Suck. 

If anyone hasn't been reading my blog for a long time, I'll give the quick version of my apprehension to having the D&C. When I had my blighted ovum a few years ago, I had a botched D&C. The pathology report came back and there was no pregnancy. So six days later I was being wheeled into an emergency operating room 700 miles from home for a D&C under ultrasound with a pathologist in the room to confirm a pregnancy or they were removing my tube. Not cool. Luckily, it had been in the uterus, but I was of course nervous of scar tissue from having back to backs. Going into donor eggs, that was a concern again. 

I looked my doctor in the eye this morning and told him I know there is a fine line between being to aggressive and not aggressive enough. I asked him to find that line and treat my uterus like gold. 

I am home now and doing well. I have less bleeding than I've had in over 2 weeks (odd, huh?) and only minimal cramping. 

I also have these big, fat babies to keep me company. 

Dexter (yes, he's named after a serial killer)

The baby.

Stella

The princess.

Sidney

The boss.

Time for the healing to begin. Starting now.

Where is the fast forward button for my life?

I've tried so hard to remain positive this week. To keep my head up. To look forward to our next steps. To know that donor eggs is really a great shot for us and hopefully I can put the heartache that my own eggs have caused me, in the past. 

We've been looking at donors, and I've been in contact with my nurse at CCRM quite a bit the past week. I may have more news on that process next week...

First, we really have to get through this miscarriage. For whatever reason fate decided to put this pregnancy in my path at this particular time...I may never know. Is it to prove I'm strong enough to handle anything? To be resilient to whatever challenges I face? Is it to make sure I won't break? I'd love to know the answer to those questions. Haven't I proved all of those things these past 2 and a half years? Haven't I already been dealt a pretty shit hand? I've rebounded from everything life has dealt me and I still move forward. 

But at what cost? 

I can barely handle being around my super fertile friends and even family members. Not because I'm angry at them for so easily having what my body can't seem to achieve, though it may seem that way from others point of view. I'm just sad...for me. It's hard for me to really be present in their lives because it hurts so much. This is the only way I can protect my heart...what's left to protect of it anyway. 

I can't have children. That's something that has gone through my mind a lot recently. That simple statement. I can't have a child. 

That doesn't mean I can't have a child through extraordinary means. I certainly HOPE that's not the case. I hope with all that I have left in me that donor eggs is our answer. But this miscarriage has broken just a tiny bit of my soul. I've fully come to terms that my eggs are bad, that apparently at the ripe old age of 36. I've waited too long. 

I often wonder if my friends, family and even my husband see the woman I'm becoming. If they see me in the way that I feel. Bitter and broken. If they do, how can they possibly see me in the same light as they once did? I can't imagine that my husband thinks I'm that fun-loving, always smiling girl that he's spent the last 12 years with. There's not doubt that this has all changed me. On some levels...maybe for good. Maybe I'll appreciate motherhood in ways that women that have not gone through infertility cannot. Maybe I will be a stronger woman because of all this. But what if I don't become a mother?? Then what? Do I just become this empty shell of a person I used to be? Before infertility. 

I'm so sorry for my sorrowful post today. I was so excited a few days ago about what was to come...and maybe still will...but I face a road still marked with challenges. 

My beta went back up to 104 yesterday. I need a D&C. Unfortunately, you can't see anything in my uterus or tubes at this point because my levels never progressed past 110. They don't believe it's ectopic because my pain has subsided substantially since last weekend. He also wants to do a D&C, because he knows that I don't want the dreaded methotrexate unless it's absolutely necessary. That would set me back 3 months...at least. Knowing CCRM...they would make me wait longer. Whatever it is...something is hanging on in my body and producing hCG. I can only hope that this is all that is needed to resolve this. So I can really move forward. My biggest fear is obviously the thought of scar tissue and damage. This will be my third D&C in less than two years.

Right now I just feel this ever present, refusing to leave reminder of what could have been. I feel like fate is laughing at me right now. 

I hope that next week brings a happier post. One that this is all behind me. One that brings new hope and exciting news. I'm hesitant even to say that at this point...I certainly don't want to jinx anything else. 

For now...I'm going to continue on and get through this as I have everything else that infertility has thrown at me and even as tears stream down my face, continue to be "fine".