Finally, At Peace

Thanks so much everyone for the kind words of support on my last post. It felt so great to have so much positive reassurance. I will admit, I can send myself into a tailspin over just the smallest decisions, so a decision that cost as much as this one, really was not good for my poor delicate heart.

However, I've felt a kind of peace these last few days that I've not had in a long time. I don't know if this IVF cycle will work. However, I also can't say that going to CCRM would work either. I finally feel like I'm able to lay it all on the line and handing my trust over to my doctor and his staff, and it's been a great weight off of my shoulders. So I know that for now, for this particular cycle, this is the very best decision for both of us.

A few of you asked about Trevor and how he felt and if he was supportive. The man doesn't have a unsupportive bone in his body. He's been a rock star about all things fertility. He's agreed with me, shared his thoughts and talked out ever scenario, every step of the way. While he did like CCRM and their stats, he also does like the idea of doing at least 1 round, in Chicago. Logistically it's easier and I believe as I learn more about this process, and how the hormones will affect my body, easier, is probably better. If I become an IVF pro, maybe more complicated will make sense at that point.

I do have one exciting (to me) update. I spoke with my doctor in Chicago about my protocol. While he plans to do the antagonist protocol with fairly high dosages of meds, CCRM was planning on doing an aggressive EPP protocol with testosterone. My doctor in Chicago has agreed to let me add the testosterone to my protocol with him. Small battle one. I've heard really good things and he did say that it has shown a small improvement and is something they do when they are pulling out all the stops. (Um, like me? Lets remember, I have some pretty bottom of the barrel AMH numbers) He said it would cost me an additional $700 though.

I tried to not choke on that, not because of the cost, but because $700 in the grand scheme of things, is kinda peanuts.

Well, here we go...I've officially started my journey into IVF. I'm 2 days into my birth control pills. I will start my injections on April 23rd, with an estimated retrieval on May 4th.

Here's to hopefully keeping the hormones in check and not turning into a raging bitch over the next 2 months!!

This was technically my sisters last hurrah, as it was her bachelorette party, but I'd also like to think of it as mine as well. Here's a picture from our great weekend at Wrightsville Beach!!

Anyone ever heard of a "pickle back"? Well, I hadn't either. This was me about to experience on for the first time. VERY strange, yet, not as bad as I was expecting. It's a shot of whiskey followed quickly by a shot of pickle juice.

Kindness Does Matter

To me. It matters a lot.

Many of you that have followed me for a while will remember my struggles with my first jackass (ahem...RE). In the end of that "relationship" I was nearly broken feeling completely abandoned and even berated. Since then, I've been bouncing from consultation to consultation, trying to find the right doctor to treat DOR and unfortunately none of those options have been local.

So back in early February we had decided on Chicago. Then after MUCH research, many opinions of other gals on threads and blogs, I had my consult with CCRM. That went really well too. While most women go to CCRM as their last choice, we decided, maybe it should just be our first choice. The only problem is, the first round of IVF can tell you so much. I haven't had a first round yet. I've had 2 IUI's with a fine response, at least for the low dose of meds I was on. Our question is now...do we spend the money on CCRM right off the bat? We'd be months away from getting pregnant, IF it even works. I had been already to start IVF with Chicago in March.

So much has happened in the last month since my laporoscopy. Well, I can tell you what hasn't happened...my period has NOT happened. I went in for blood work and another ultrasound yesterday and my beta is finally down to 5. The ultrasound showed my lining being very thin and Chicago told me I was ready to start bcps TOMORROW. Potential retrieval date of May 4th (ish).

Whoa. Step back. Here I was convinced I was going to just go out to Denver soon, go through all the rounds of testing, then figure out the whole schedule of events from there...but here's Chicago saying we're ready to go...now.

This was music to my ears. I have to say, I was intrigued. Then my nurse, who mind you, has been MY nurse for 2 months. She's checked in on me, called me, emailed me, sat by the phone and even waited for my call one day, seriously, she answered on the first ring...they never actually ANSWER the phone.  Then she told me, we're going to do this. We're going to take good care of you. She said, you were born the same year as my daughter, I'm going to take care of you as if you were.

Guess what, peeps. That was what I've needed to hear. From someone. Anyone. I broke and I literally wanted to crawl through the phone and into her arms. So yes. I'm going to change my mind AGAIN, cause well, it's what I do, and we're getting started with IVF. I start my pills tomorrow.

I'm going to spend my weekend on the beach with a bunch of girls for my sisters bachelorette party and just relax and breathe a little.

I'm excited and I'm nervous. I know that my protocol is the antagonist. I've heard a lot on either side. Some people say that's not right for DOR or that you shouldn't be on bcps, but I'm going to trust my doctor and that he knows what he's doing.

Lastly, I've been loving all the support from all of you gals. You are all awesome. Some that have been with me for a while and all of the newbies. I love all of your comments. Seriously. Thank you. I could never do this without you all.

xo
Suz

Numb. Over this Cycle. Blah.

Do you ever feel like you're right on the cusp of starting something really big, but you just can't get there. Literally, the starting line is right in front of you and it's like something is pulling you back.

This past month, I've felt "numb". I can't explain it. Technically, I had some sort of pregnancy this cycle, even though I never saw a BFP, my blood test said it was there. I haven't cried. Not once. A few months ago I couldn't make it through the day without bursting into tears. Whether it be in the car, sitting at my desk at work, at home...

Now nothing. It's like I don't feel anything. I'm on cycle day f'ing 54. FIFTY FOUR! They stopped doing betas once my numbers went under 10. So I have no idea where I am. They said I would start a period this week and I have absolutely no signs that is the case. It's frustrating.

I just want to move on. To something. Anything.

CCRM had asked me if my cycles were regular I could go ahead and schedule my one day work up. Um...no, at present time, they are not. So I'm still sitting here...waiting.

My last actual fertility treatment was in November when I did IUI #2. That feels like a million years ago. In diminished ovarian reserve time, it probably is. I've been told I'm in the 4th quarter, with absolutely no time outs, that I need to get moving.

Yet, here I sit. Still.

A Few Deep Breaths...

After talking ourselves blue in the face, countless lists of pros and cons and sleepless nights, we have decided to go with CCRM. It's more expensive. It's the place where many people go as a last resort. Are we really ready to go here right off the bat?

The answer is yes. The chances of success are 20%, but that's twice as much as our chances in Chicago. We don't want to do a round in Chicago, only to have a failure and regret not going with CCRM from the beginning.

This was a very hard decision for us. Unlike many women going to CCRM, we don't have an IVF to compare to. We don't know how I'll truly respond to stims. We only know that I responded "okay" to low doses for my two IUI's last fall, and can only assume I will be a poor responder due to my <.16 AMH level. There is just so much of an unknown for me.

I've gone to countless websites and driven myself mad over the positive AND negative comments for CCRM. At the end of the day there are going to be both, I know this and need to embrace the decision we've made and know that no matter what happens, it's the best and the right one for us.

We do know that we can only do a maximum of two round there. The cost is so high, that we can't do IVF after IVF just to have failure after failure and then turn to donor eggs. We will have to draw the line somewhere and for us, that's at two. Obviously, this can be revisited if I have some crazy successful rounds that just for some reason don't result in a pregnancy, but the odds of that are, lets be honest, not really good. But hey, throwing that out there as a disclaimer regardless.

On to the when. That's a fucking sore spot. I'm on cycle day 49. My beta on Monday was 9.25. So to summarize:

March 12 - 10.6
March 14 - 10.2
March 18 - 9.25

What does this tell me? My body is basically giving me the middle finger on moving this cycle along so I can get started. Seriously, in no rush whatsoever. I was told I don't need to repeat betas again since they are in fact coming down and that I should expect a period next week. At the rate these are dropping I'm going to call bullshit on that and say a period is at least two weeks out.

Oddly enough I have had some ovary type pinching pains on one side today and my temp dropped a bit. I used a Wondfo OPK and the test line was darker than the control line but the CBE OPK was negative. I was given the old "tsk tsk" on Baby Center to just stop monitoring and sit this out, ovulating or not.

So big sigh. Here I sit.